If you test, she will come

I had heard of this phenomenon that if you (an IFer) take a home pregnancy test (HPT), AF will arrive shortly after.  I can say now that it happened to me.

I took my first ever HPT a cycle ago.  In over five years of TTC, I had never made it long enough to test.  I broke my rule of waiting until P+17 this time because it was a crazy cycle, and I needed to rule out things. I was pretty sick during the "fertile" time of the cycle and had pathetic mucus, so all signs pointed toward a double peak (assuming ovulation had not actually happened yet).  I've been charting for a looooong time and have never double peaked even amid significant stress, but there's a first time for everything.  :)  So I waited for the second mucus build up to start and did not take my HCG, which I normally take after peak day.

Ten days after the first peak, I had good mucus for two days.  I thought it was my second peak. That was followed by spotting...which didn't make any sense.  Another interpretation could have been that I did ovulate during the first peak, and this second patch of mucus was implantation mucus.  We had used P+2, so it was a possibility.  When the spotting continued for the third day, I was scratching my head.  I needed to rule out something.  Anything.  Taking my temperature wouldn't have helped at that point because I was post-peak regardless (either P+3 or P+14).  So I did the only other thing that I could think of that might shed some light on things—take a HPT.  DH came along to the store for moral support.  I found one of the $0.88 ones that I had heard about from NFP circles.

The before picture.  Prior to opening the box, I didn't even know
what the test would look like.  This was foreign territory.

I read the directions about twenty times because I didn't want to mess it up.  I was nervous, even though I was 99% sure it would be negative.  It was.

My first ever real BFN.

AF started the next day.  What a messed up cycle.  Dr. K thought the two days of good mucus post-peak was just premenstrual mucus/fluid that some women have.  I didn't know you could all of a sudden develop premenstrual mucus, but I guess you can...?

In that same cycle review, I mentioned that I have pain again during my period.  Boo.  :(  I've had a couple cycles lately with premenstrual spotting (three or more days of spotting before AF), and Dr. K had thought that was due to inflammation because my hormone levels were above normal. Does pain + inflammation = endo??

Well, we're going to find out.  In a week.  It all came together really quickly.

Next Friday, I'm having a laparoscopy with Dr. E, who did my last surgery 21 months ago.  Surgery #3.  Honestly, I hope it IS endo and that it can be cleaned out with just a regular laparoscopy.  Last time Dr. E had the option to switch to the robot during my surgery if she needed it (and she did). This time there will be no switching, so if there is too much endo or it's too hard to reach, I'll need a second bigger surgery with the robot (and a two week recovery).  If this is endo again, I must have some crazy aggressive form that it keeps coming back.  :(

I really don't expect this surgery to help us get pregnant.  DH is more optimistic.  I feel like we're fighting an uphill, losing battle against endo and infection/inflammation.  It seems like we can never fix both at the same time. The infection/inflammation had been taken care of for several months, but who knows if I had endo sneakily growing back during that time.  And now if we remove the endo again, I don't know that the antibiotic that used to work will still be strong enough to beat the TEBB.  Dr. E will be doing cultures of my uterus during my surgery, so we'll see what the bug status is in there.  I hope I haven't picked up any new bacteria like last time I was cultured.  :(

I'm disappointed to be having surgery again.  Being pain-free would be really nice.  Maybe the third time's the charm and this will keep the endo away longer?  A girl can dream...  :)

Tomorrow I'm headed to the IF retreat Rebecca is running this weekend, so hopefully that will take my mind off of surgery.  I'm looking forward to some IRL conversations with other IFers.  :)

I almost wish I would have tested

Does IF ever make you feel like you want to crawl in bed, bury your head under your pillow, and not come out?  That's kind of how I've been feeling lately, hence the lack of posting around here.  Maybe it's an introvert thing or an attempt to hide from my problems.

DH had ample opportunity to think
this while I was PMSing...

A few weeks ago I wrote about the previous cycle where I experienced some unique symptoms in the 2WW which had me convinced I was pregnant when in fact I was not.   So I vowed the next cycle I would try to ignore everything in the 2WW until I hit P+17, the day I could theoretically take a pregnancy test (via blood test).  When that next 2WW arrived, my plan was going well because I didn't have anything that mimicked pregnancy symptoms.  Great.  :)  I did however have some of the worst PMS DH has ever seen, the kind which includes the Mrs. Hyde-esque if-you-disagree-with-polkadot-you're-wrong-so-prepare-to-face-her-hormonal-wrath" attitude. Why?  I only had enough HCG for one day's shot, which I took on P+4. I tried to order my refill three weeks before I needed it, but the pharmacy said it was on back order. They didn't call me to say they had a new supply in until P+13, but by then it was too late. I survived (and so did DH) but it wasn't pretty.

So there were no fake pregnancy symptoms.  Then I had brown spotting on P+12, and it lasted five days.  That was new for me.  I have never ever had that many days of spotting before AF, and I have only had a 16-day post-peak phase twice since starting TTC five years ago.  So where does my mind go?  That I must be pregnant. Or (far more likely) my progesterone is close to zero since I didn't take all my HCG.  I tried really hard to assume it was low progesterone.  As it turns out, it was neither, but that's a story for another paragraph.

Since my doctor was not going to be available on P+17, I thought I should ask for the necessary blood draw requisition form ahead of time.  I had the e-mail to Dr. K's nurse all typed up right before bedtime on P+15 (figuring they would send it on P+16 so I'd have it ready for P+17).  I hovered my mouse over the "send" button, but didn't click.  I had this feeling like it was a waste.  I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf and got their hopes up.  I closed the e-mail and left it in my drafts folder.  (It has since been deleted.)

On what would have been P+17, AF showed up for real.  It was definitely AF because it was moderate flow. The next two days I had light flow, and it tapered off from there.  I've never ever had that light of a period before. Usually I have at least two moderate or heavy days, not one.  I thought it was strange but was just planning to move on until I was doing a little light Fac.ebook reading.   One girl commented that her NaPro doctor considered early miscarriage to be a possibility whenever AF is unusual in any way for a couple TTC.  She also mentioned having a post-peak phase even just one day longer than usual adds to the suspicion.

Both of those were true for me...

I lost it. The tears were instantaneous.  The thought that I had possibly conceived and miscarried was totally overwhelming.  In the moment, I prayed something like, "Baby, if you exist in heaven, pray for me."  Of course it can never be proven one way or another so I won't know this side of heaven.  At that moment I started wishing I had taken a home pregnancy test.   I admit, the thought did cross my mind by the fourth day of spotting (P+15).  I figured that the HCG from P+4 would have been out of my system by then, so it actually may have been accurate (and not a false positive caused by the HCG injection).  If I'm being honest though, I'm not sure I would have truly believed whatever the result of the home pregnancy test would have been (either way), so maybe it's better that I didn't test.  Until proven otherwise, I go forward assuming that I have never conceived.

I thought Dr. K's cycle review might shed some light on things. It was definitely not what I expected.  My P+7 estradiol and progesterone values were above normal like they've been since eliminating the TEBB months ago.  In fact, my estradiol was higher than last cycle when I took all of my HCG on schedule.  I was scratching my head because I only took one dose of HCG this cycle and I had five days of premenstrual spotting.  But there was no way my progesterone could have gone from above 50 (normal P+7 is >13) to under 10 in just a few days (to cause the premenstrual spotting).  Dr. K's thought was that the premenstrual spotting was due to inflammation and is having me increase the turmeric from 2 times a day to 3 times a day.  I have never heard that premenstrual spotting could be caused by inflammation, but I guess you learn something new everyday in the NaPro world.

Dr. K also wants to repeat a semen analysis with culture.  That came as a shock and a disappointment.  I guess it has been 14 months since we did the culture that identified the bug we've been fighting since then.  I wonder if she thinks we have a new bug?  DH's sperm counts have always been normal.  I knew DH would not be thrilled to hear this, and he wasn't.  Last year's drama requiring two attempts just to get the culture done was no fun.  I decided to let his reaction guide what we would do next.  If he was not willing to repeat the test, we wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't ask again.  He was upset when I told him about it, but he didn't refuse it outright.  Perhaps part of that reason is that there is no lab within 60 minutes from here that is capable of doing a semen culture (and I don't even know if the nearest big city an hour away has a lab that could do it); the lab that successfully did the culture last year is in the city where my parents live, a plane ride away.  We're not visiting them again until Christmas, so that is the earliest we could do the test, giving DH some time to consider it.  He seems willing, which surprises me a bit, since we'd have to do the collection at my parents' house again.  We'll see how he feels as Christmas gets closer.

Given what happened this new cycle, I think the culture could prove to be very informative.  My TEBB returned.  Four days of it.  :(  (Dr. K doesn't know this yet.)  In the cycle review about a month ago, I had asked if we could take a break from the antibiotics that DH and I have been on the first 10 days of each cycle to see if it was the turmeric (and lemon water) that was responsible for eliminating the TEBB.  Dr. K was out of the office, so one of the fellows responded and said it was fine to skip a month.  Because I don't get the results of the cycle review until after CD1, I couldn't implement this until a month later (this cycle).  So we didn't take the antibiotics this cycle, and the TEBB returned.

I'm wondering if this is some sort of coincidence that the lack of antibiotics has nothing to do with TEBB's reappearance.  The first month we took the antibiotics:  no TEBB.  The second and subsequent months:  TEBB increased little by little.  When we added the turmeric (and lemon water and bromocriptine, if I'm listing everything) to the antibiotics:  no TEBB for five cycles.  Now turmeric et al. without antibiotics:  TEBB in full force.  The math just doesn't make sense, so I wonder if the TEBB was going to return this cycle regardless of antibiotic use...OR there's some synergistic effect going on that the antibiotics work together with turmeric et al. to prevent TEBB.  I'm really curious what is going to happen next cycle (and clearly there will be a "next cycle" because I have some raging infection/inflammation going on) when we add back the antibiotics.

There's never a dull day around here.  :P

I went there

Last cycle I went there.

I entertained thoughts that I really, really might be pregnant.

Normally I don't do this.  I realized whenever I'd enter into this quasi daydream of, "Oh, this could be the month!  Maybe this breast tenderness means there's a baby growing!" I found that it really didn't help my sanity and often made things worse, especially when CD1 inevitably came.  The anxiety it caused plus the mind games when I would get to peak+13/14/15 were enough to make me go crazy.  ("Am I pregnant?  No, I can't be.  Oh, but AF hasn't arrived so it's possible..."  Ad nauseam.  Pun intended.  haha)

I've posted this picture before...

Believe me, I know how tempting it is to analyze every little post-peak symptom and google them until I assume that I have to be pregnant because there is no other explanation.  But I decided a long time ago I would stop paying attention to post-peak symptoms—especially breast tenderness because I have that practically every cycle—unless I reach peak+17 because I just don't need all that drama.  I think it's saved a lot of mental anguish.  :)  In that respect, I daresay my usual 2WW is almost peaceful.  (Almost.)  ;)

So, why, you may ask, did I have myself practically convinced that I was pregnant last cycle?

This:

Peak+8 is most definitely the wrong time to have the stomach flu (gastroenteritis).  It started at 3 a.m. with nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea.  Repeat several hours later.  Then I was back to normal.  I honestly can't remember the last time I had any of those three symptoms.  You just can't ignore nausea and vomiting.

According to Dr. Google, diarrhea is actually a more common pregnancy symptom about eight days after ovulation (my estimate) than vomiting.  Did you know that?  I didn't.  Since I had eaten 95% of the same food as DH the two days prior to getting sick, it surely couldn't be the stomach flu.  And what kind of stomach flu lasts for five hours total?  When DH had the stomach flu a few months ago (probably from unwashed spinach), it lasted a solid 36 hours.

Dr. Google also told me about some women who had just a single day of morning sickness and nothing more.  I was drawn into the illusion of pregnancy hook, line, and sinker.  I started thinking of my favorite baby names and how I would tell DH.  There were a few more strange symptoms in the days after the stomach flu incident that I've never had before during the post-peak phase.  All of this really had me convinced.  A 15-day post-peak phase plus just a tiny bit of spotting in the morning on CD1 (and nothing the rest of the day) wasn't much help in the let's-bring-polkadot-back-to-reality department either.

When AF did arrive in full force on CD2, my little dream world came crashing down.  I didn't take her arrival well at all:  tears, more tears, a little anger, a one-sided dialogue of "but God, I thought I was pregnant..." and even more tears.

Dear body, please don't do that again post-peak unless it's the real deal.  None of this imitation stuff that just messes with my head.  :P

Hopefully this cycle I'll be able to go back to happily ignoring any and all symptoms during the 2WW...  :)

Reflections on four years

So it's getting to be the end of the cycle, and I'm trying not to think too much about it or worry, but you all know how that goes...much easier said than done.  I haven’t had any post-peak symptoms that are different from any other previous cycle, just some breast tenderness which I almost always have.  PMS was super mild this month.  Sometimes it rears its ugly head a day or two before I start the HCG, but not this cycle, which was nice.  I took my waking temperature two days ago for my monthly T3 monitoring, and it was kind of low, so I estimated I was about two days from AF arriving.  Also two days ago I had my usual what I call “cloud of sadness.”  Fairly often 24-48 hours before AF starts I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I can’t shake.  I wasn’t even thinking about IF or AF or DH’s continued unemployment or anything sad; I was just going about my day and then like with a snap of the fingers I felt instant sadness.  I feel like I did most of my crying already in the last two days, so if/when AF comes, I might be all cried out. (if that’s possible)  ;)  Right now I sort of dread going to the bathroom because I just don’t want to know if AF has started.  I guess I still have hope because it’s not over until the fat lady (AF) sings.  I wouldn’t mind taking a three-day nap so I could wake up and find out what happens and bypass all this time of limbo that is doing nothing good for my sanity.  :)

I do think I could win an award for the most delusional in-hopes-of-pregnancy moment.  It happened five days after my good mucus started. (Normally this would be prime time for ovulation.)  Almost exactly 24 hours after writing an i on the chart, I developed a headache, upset stomach, and fatigue to the point of falling asleep on a chair in the living room.  I couldn't really explain what caused any of the three or especially why they all happened at the same time, so where does my mind go?  I must be pregnant, of course!  But then I thought it has to be impossible to have any symptoms that early...right?  I consulted Dr. Google.  Unfortunately I found anecdotes from women who had symptoms a day after conception.  My delusional thinking didn't need any more support, but I had found it.  Now looking back at my chart, since I had another week of good mucus after that day, the chances that I actually ovulated that early are pretty much nonexistent.  You'd think after TTC for this long, I'd have learned to be a bit more rational in my thinking.  Or maybe I'm in complete denial of how crazy I've become and I need to be locked up somewhere...  ;)

I've been thinking recently about how we've been TTC for four years.  When the actual "anniversary" happened earlier this summer, I didn't realize it had come (and gone) until weeks later.  It was sort of an afterthought, "Oh, we've been TTC for four years now.  Hmmm.  That's a long time."  That's quite a different reaction than I had to the first and second TTC anniversaries where I watched the date approach for weeks ahead of time and when the actual day arrived I moped around sad and depressed.  Maybe over time has come more acceptance that this is how it is for us, so the milestones don't play as significant a role anymore.  That's not to say that the grief isn't still there--it definitely is--but that the sad times where I'm dwelling on IF and what it means to not have children seem to occur less frequently.  If it's possible though, I think the pain has gotten deeper over time, either because each cycle compounds the pain from before or because the longer we go it seems the less likely we may ever conceive (ignoring the fact that medically we have our best chance now).  I still struggle with the weight of this cross, and I still ask God to remove it if it be His will.  I know this is my path to heaven, but the human side of me wishes things were different.  I trust God that He's looking out for me though.  :) 

It's still hit or miss when others announce a pregnancy if I'll be able to share in their joy or just want to go cry in a corner somewhere because it's a reminder of my own wounds.  A friend recently shared her pregnancy news with me, and I was 90% happy and 10% sad.  She was extremely sensitive in the way she shared it because she remembered what it was like to be on the receiving end of BFP news that was not her own.  It took them ten months to conceive, which may not sound like that long, but she had been given a diagnosis years ago which meant she might not be able to conceive and if she did, she'd be at very high risk of miscarriage.  I remember her wedding last year distinctly because she's the only person I know who included most of the saints who are considered patrons of infertility in the litany of saints sung during the wedding Mass.  Most are not included in typical litany lists, so they stuck out to me:  St. Anne & St. Joachim, St. Elizabeth & Zechariah, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, and St. Anthony.  It just broke my heart to hear them asking for their intercessions as they were beginning their marriage, so I'm not surprised that I was able to (mostly) rejoice with her.  I don't handle all pregnancy announcements that well.  I think a lot of it depends on where in the cycle I am and when the last announcement was.  I can handle one BFP every once in a while much better than three in a week.

And speaking of BFPs...

Remember earlier this year I saw a BFP license plate and then saw an AF one in the same week?  Lately I've been seeing AF license plates rather frequently.  It's like they are following me around or something.  I knew there was someone at our parish who had one, but this past Sunday, there was not one, not two, but three (three!!) AF license plates all parked in the same vicinity.  Two were parked next to each other.  Seriously, what are the chances??  I just rolled my eyes...


But then I came home to see this sitting on the floor: 

Just some random letters on the flap of a box...

So that made me feel a little better...  If this end-of-the-cycle limbo doesn't drive me certifiably crazy, these random messages just might.  ;)

Saturday update:  AF is here.

Maybe next cycle

So I spent the last two days of the cycle like this:

I had no early pregnancy symptoms, so I convinced myself I wasn't pregnant.  I started to get a little hopeful when AF hadn't shown up when I went to bed on P+14.  (On HCG, my post-peak phase is 13-14 days.)

The next morning (P+15) I decided to take my temperature when I woke up. I know what my temperature usually is post-peak (due to monitoring it occasionally for T3) and that it drops significantly right before AF starts. I didn't want to deal with the drama of waiting anymore, so I figured my temperature would just give it to me straight. My temperature was the same as it was when I took it on P+4 (for T3).

That meant AF wasn't coming on P+15. I stared at the thermometer in disbelief.

I spent the entire day like the picture above.

When I woke up on P+16, it felt like AF had already started. I didn't want to get out of bed. I took my temperature again. It was 0.3 degrees lower than the day before. That's not much of a drop. Silly thermometer. I was confused why it wasn't lower.

I went to the bathroom to face the music...and there was no AF. I was in shock. I started to get excited.

Mid-afternoon came. Still no AF. I was more excited. I may or may not have visited the bathroom every two hours whether I needed to or not just to see if AF had come...

Finally right before dinner I saw some brown spotting. I was really bummed. And mad at myself for hoping. I still had a tiny irrational bit of hope because it was only spotting. But by bedtime it was clear that AF was here. I didn't take it well. I haven't cried that hard in a while. Rationally I know it's only the first cycle since surgery, but it doesn't erase the weight of all the previous cycles ending with a BFN.

DH is ever the optimist about us conceiving someday. Almost every time CD1 arrives, he says to me, "Maybe next cycle." He said it to me last night in an attempt to comfort me. I'm glad he could remind me that this is not the end of the world, even though things look pretty bleak on CD1.

The good news is that I had very minimal menstrual pain so far. There was just a little achy bloating on CD1 and that was it--a definite improvement from last month. Today was CD2, and I had no pain at all.

So now I wait to hear back from PPVI for my cycle review to see if Dr. K wants to try something else for the TEBB.

 ~ * ~

"...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." ~Revelation 7:17

Three years of TTC

We are on cycle #30 of TTC. It's been three years since we started. That's a lot of TTC. And a lot of BFNs.

In some ways, IF has become comfortable—not enjoyable, mind you. I know what to expect. I know when I'll be extra sad or sensitive. I know when I can handle baby-related news with the greatest likelihood of having dry eyes. But I'm weary. Living with prolonged grief is emotionally draining. This third year of TTC has been noticeably harder than the prior year, probably because we've checked more and more things off the treatment list that haven't worked. I can see some good fruits that have come from this suffering. I know it has brought DH and me closer. I can sympathize better with others going through IF (like some of my clients) or anyone facing a difficult cross. As painful as IF can be, I trust that God will bring a greater good out of all of this. I may not know what that good is this side of heaven, but I know there is value and power in offering up this suffering. Without taking a more "eternal" perspective, I think it would be so easy to fall quickly into despair.

A good friend shared her BFP news with me recently. She was technically IF (according to NaPro's definition of six cycles) but never mentally crossed over...she hadn't been TTC "that long." She knew of our IF from the beginning and was supportive, offering frequent prayers for us. I tried to be happy for her, and in some sense I was. I am glad she doesn't have to delve deeply into the sad world of IF—either the emotional side or the medical treatment side. But when she told me the news my first feelings were ones of hurt. She waited until nearly the end of her first trimester to tell me. Why did she wait so long? I had spoken with her more than once since she would have learned she was pregnant and specifically asked about the latest in her TTC attempts each time I spoke with her. I guess I could see not wanting to tell "people" (in a general sense) until after the first trimester in case there would be a miscarriage, but I thought I was closer to her than that. I wonder if this self-pity is a by-product of IF. In my head I sometimes think others should feel sorry for me because I'm IF, so I also feel sorry for me. Now here's another opportunity to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I have no idea what's it like to decide when to share news of a first pregnancy. I guess if it were me, I'd want prayers from at least a few others as soon as I found out...especially with an increased risk of miscarriage (which she has). Maybe she was trying to protect my feelings by waiting to tell me...although the manner in which she shared the news with me was not sensitive to an IFer, so I doubt protecting my feelings was the reason. If you're super excited by your pregnancy, that means everyone you tell is going to be super excited as well...including your IF-for-three-years friend. (I did manage a fair amount of excitement in my response.) Apparently I never shared with her how hard pregnancy announcements are...or I didn't repeat it enough times before she got pregnant.

With her pregnancy announcement, it really hit me how left behind I feel. Just since last summer, there have been six weddings among our friends. Five of those six are pregnant or recently gave birth. We were TTC before most of them even started dating. I try not to be jealous, but sometimes I can't help it. IF is so hard.

As for this cycle, against my better judgement, I have hope. ;) (although I completely forgot to take Clomid at the beginning of the cycle...oops) I used to think that the more hopeful I was in the 2WW, the worse I'd feel when CD1 arrived. I guess for the most part, it has been true. But last cycle, for whatever reason, I had very little hope that the cycle would end in a BFP—with a week of TEBB staring me in the face, clearly something is still wrong—so AF arriving wasn't a surprise at all...yet I still felt as sad (and cried as much) as any other previous cycle. So if I'm going to cry when CD1 arrives regardless of my hope level, I might as well be hopeful now.

Do I know if the IV antibiotics got rid of my TEBB? No.

Am I putting way too much stock in quasi-pregnancy symptoms? Yes.

I have no breast tenderness at all. This is a change from usual. I always have a little bit of tenderness post-peak. Well, I'm pretty sure I always have it. I stopped writing it down a long time ago. But I still pay attention even if it's not recorded on paper. This could be just my brain trying to over-analyze things in an attempt to convince myself I could be pregnant. It has happened plenty of times before, and I've been wrong every time. haha Hopefully all the fun 4th of July festivities will distract me. :)

End-of-the-cycle limbo

You know how when you get to the end of your cycle, especially the day your period is due because it came that day for the past five cycles like clockwork, and you just wish AF would hurry up and start already so you can get it over with?  But there's a tiny irrational voice in your head that says there could be a glimmer of hope because, well, just because. It's irrational so it doesn't need to provide a reason. "Just because" is perfectly legitimate.  But you suppress that voice because you have zero early pregnancy symptoms, and you just KNOW that AF is coming because it always came before, and no amount of hoping this late in the game is going to mean a baby is growing in your uterus.  And you think there's really nothing different or special about this cycle except for about two weeks' worth of the new drug Cortef but that couldn't possibly have an effect yet, and you note the eight days of TEBB this cycle would preclude any chance of pregnancy because normal charts don't have TEBB, let alone eight days of it. But then you look back on the past couple days and realize you maybe were more tired than usual, so the hopeful voice says, "See?  I'm not so irrational." But you explain the fatigue away because you didn't get a good night's sleep or two.  And every time you go to the bathroom—which is more often than usual because you make excuses that you need to go again even though it's only been an hour since last time—you tell yourself, "There will be red," but then stare in disbelief at the white toilet paper as if your mind is playing tricks on you, because how could it possibly still be white this late in the day?  And you try to go back to your normal daily activities, all the while wondering if this could be THE cycle, but with the constant thought, "I'mnotgonnathinkaboutit.  I'mnotgonnathinkaboutit."  And you sigh because even if AF doesn't come today, you're going to feel the exact same way tomorrow—only with stronger feelings:  more impatience with AF's delay and simultaneously more hope.  And because you took HCG this cycle, nothing can be known definitively for 2-3 more days, which might as well be an eternity.  So you are doomed to this mental state until such time as AF decides to show up so you can start crying your eyes out...or until the mythical day comes when you could take your first ever pregnancy test (blood test, of course, due to the HCG).

That's where I'm at.

St. Perpetua and St. Felicity, pray for us!

(I thought maybe by posting this it would make AF come, similar to the phenomenon that some IFers experience in that taking a HPT speeds up AF's arrival time.)

UPDATE:  AF is here.

P+17? Nope, CD1

The third cycle with HCG was a bust.  I did set a new personal record for post-peak phase length:  16.54 days.  Technically I could have gone to the lab to have my HCG level checked (pregnancy test) that morning before AF started, but Dr. A thought peak+17 might be a bit too early to test--HCG from the injection might still be hanging around.  Making it past lunchtime on peak+17 without AF starting was pretty exciting, though.

This cycle we're adding an antibiotic to see if it will eliminate some of the extra bleeding. Can I just say I would be ecstatic if I had fewer days of bleeding?  Obviously, if it helped me get pregnant, that would be great, but less bleeding would definitely be a welcome step.

The 2WW

I remember my first 2WW (two-week wait).  Oh, how sweet and innocent I was.  I was on cloud nine pretty much the whole time.  I was constantly praising God for everything, especially opening DH's heart to TTC.  I had so much hope—a hope that fully expected to be fulfilled.  (Having a 76% chance* of conceiving in the first cycle seemed like pretty good odds to me.)  About halfway into the 2WW, I started spotting.  I had never ever been so excited to see spotting.  "Implantation bleeding," I thought, "right on time."  I diligently kept track of other early pregnancy symptoms.  Toward the end it took a lot of willpower not to take a pregnancy test.  (But I was bound and determined not to test until P+17...no false negatives for me.)  I never quite made it to P+17.  I was crushed.

The second cycle I had 2WW amnesia, I think.  I let my hopes get just about as high as they were the previous cycle, not remembering how much the disappointment hurt when AF came.  Lots of people don't conceive on the first try, I told myself.  If 90% of couples* conceive by the third cycle, there's no need to worry.  Yet I still cried when AF showed up.

Since then my attitude during the 2WW has gradually shifted towards self-preservation: "I'd love to be surprised by pregnancy this cycle, but I'm not really expecting it to happen now."  Change in expectations means less disappointment, right?  Of course, there is always a tiny voice in the back of my mind thinking, "This could be the cycle!"  (This is followed by, "God, could this be the cycle?")  I try not to dwell on it until the end of the 2WW.  I actually look forward to the first week after ovulation.  No more pressure to use certain days.  Either I'm pregnant or I'm not—there is no way to tell, and nothing more can be done at that point (aside from trying to boost progesterone).  It's a nice little emotional break...provided PMS stays away.

But then there's the second week of the 2WW.  Just as I'm starting to mentally relax, I notice what could be an early sign of pregnancy.  Let the mind games begin.  Here's a little peek inside my head:

Fatigue:  Wow, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I really need a nap.  Ooooh, could I be pregnant?  Or might it have something to do with not getting enough sleep the last three nights?  Or perhaps it was that lunch I had an hour or two ago full of carbs—my blood glucose probably just took a nose-dive...I suppose that's it.  Doesn't everyone feel tired mid-afternoon?  But I didn't feel this tired yesterday...hmmm...

Breast tenderness:  I think they're a bit sore.  Am I imagining it?  Hard to tell.  Maybe I'm checking too often so that's why they're sore.  Oh, it's just another PMS symptom.  But taking HCG has eliminated my other PMS symptoms...and I never noticed it before TTC, so maybe I'm pregnant?  Well, I guess I really never paid attention to it before TTC...

Urinary frequency:  I have to go to the bathroom again?  Really?  It's only been an hour since the last time. (grumble)  Maybe this is pregnancy!  No, it's just those ten glasses of water I had today—I did drink more than usual.  Well, at least my kidneys are working.  But I've had that much water before and never had to go this often...

Nausea:  My stomach hurts.  It's not heartburn.  Ooooh, it's really nausea.  This is unusual for me.  It must be that I'm pregnant.  Or could it be related to eating way too much homemade ice cream approximately an hour ago?  I wonder.  But this really feels different from the past when I've eaten too much at once...

Vomiting (only twice since TTC):  I threw up.  First thing in the morning.  It's morning sickness!  Wait, maybe I'm just super nervous about that big meeting at work today.  Or it's because I am up much earlier than normal and haven't eaten yet...but, it's not THAT early, really...

Toilet paper status:  Is that spot red? (after scrutinizing the TP very closely for two minutes...)  No.  Great!  Is it brown?  Wellllllll....maybe?  Oh, it's just not the best lighting in here.  That's why I can't tell.  I should check again to be sure.  It's not really brown.  Maybe the urine is dark because it's concentrated, and it just sort of appears brown.  Or almost brown.  Does that count?  But even if it is brown, it could be implantation spotting.  (five minutes later...)  Oh, I felt something—is that my period starting?  I better go check again...  God, your will be done.  (Are infertiles the only ones to pray before going into the bathroom?)

ETA of AF:  Today is peak + ___ (insert number 13 or higher).  AF could possibly start today.  I should wear a pad just in case.  Oh, but this cycle could be the one.  Yeah, but it would be really bad if AF came today and I weren't prepared.  Fine, I'll wear a pad.  And I'll put three tampons in my purse.  But that doesn't mean AF WILL start...maybe I'll get to the end of the day and find out I didn't need one after all.  That would be nice.

Once upon a time I kept track of (i.e., wrote down) each and every symptom I observed during the 2WW.  (I wanted to be able to answer the CrMS pregnancy evaluation questions accurately.)  At some point a few months ago it became too difficult to constantly focus on them, so I stopped.  Now, if they happen, they happen.  No big deal, right?.  Except I still have those little dialogues in my head whenever I notice one or more of the symptoms.  I guess that hope is still there.  I hope it doesn't drive me crazy.


*couples with normal fertility using CrMS to conceive