I went there

Last cycle I went there.

I entertained thoughts that I really, really might be pregnant.

Normally I don't do this.  I realized whenever I'd enter into this quasi daydream of, "Oh, this could be the month!  Maybe this breast tenderness means there's a baby growing!" I found that it really didn't help my sanity and often made things worse, especially when CD1 inevitably came.  The anxiety it caused plus the mind games when I would get to peak+13/14/15 were enough to make me go crazy.  ("Am I pregnant?  No, I can't be.  Oh, but AF hasn't arrived so it's possible..."  Ad nauseam.  Pun intended.  haha)

I've posted this picture before...

Believe me, I know how tempting it is to analyze every little post-peak symptom and google them until I assume that I have to be pregnant because there is no other explanation.  But I decided a long time ago I would stop paying attention to post-peak symptoms—especially breast tenderness because I have that practically every cycle—unless I reach peak+17 because I just don't need all that drama.  I think it's saved a lot of mental anguish.  :)  In that respect, I daresay my usual 2WW is almost peaceful.  (Almost.)  ;)

So, why, you may ask, did I have myself practically convinced that I was pregnant last cycle?

This:

Peak+8 is most definitely the wrong time to have the stomach flu (gastroenteritis).  It started at 3 a.m. with nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea.  Repeat several hours later.  Then I was back to normal.  I honestly can't remember the last time I had any of those three symptoms.  You just can't ignore nausea and vomiting.

According to Dr. Google, diarrhea is actually a more common pregnancy symptom about eight days after ovulation (my estimate) than vomiting.  Did you know that?  I didn't.  Since I had eaten 95% of the same food as DH the two days prior to getting sick, it surely couldn't be the stomach flu.  And what kind of stomach flu lasts for five hours total?  When DH had the stomach flu a few months ago (probably from unwashed spinach), it lasted a solid 36 hours.

Dr. Google also told me about some women who had just a single day of morning sickness and nothing more.  I was drawn into the illusion of pregnancy hook, line, and sinker.  I started thinking of my favorite baby names and how I would tell DH.  There were a few more strange symptoms in the days after the stomach flu incident that I've never had before during the post-peak phase.  All of this really had me convinced.  A 15-day post-peak phase plus just a tiny bit of spotting in the morning on CD1 (and nothing the rest of the day) wasn't much help in the let's-bring-polkadot-back-to-reality department either.

When AF did arrive in full force on CD2, my little dream world came crashing down.  I didn't take her arrival well at all:  tears, more tears, a little anger, a one-sided dialogue of "but God, I thought I was pregnant..." and even more tears.

Dear body, please don't do that again post-peak unless it's the real deal.  None of this imitation stuff that just messes with my head.  :P

Hopefully this cycle I'll be able to go back to happily ignoring any and all symptoms during the 2WW...  :)

Fun questions

For a little change of pace around here, below are my answers to Stephanie's questions:

1.) Why do you blog?  to connect with others in the Catholic IF world

2.) What is your favorite smell?  coffee

3.) What would you have as your last meal? Include appetizer, main course, and dessert.
Croissants and Caesar salad, chicken piccata, tiramisu

4.) If you could master any skill overnight, what would it be?  photography

5.) Who's your favorite Disney character?  Belle

6.) What movie did you most recently watch?  "Emma" (with Gwyneth Paltrow)

7.) What song are you currently listening to on repeat?  “One Thing” by Finger 11

8.) Cupcake or slice of pie?  pie

9.) If you could have a miniaturized animal as a pet, what would you pick? (For example, John tells me he wants a mini-bear.)  Panda bear

10.) If you just found out company was coming over in a few hours, what dish would you whip up for them?   chicken tortilla soup

I gave in

I succumbed to the temptation.  I joined Pinterest.  :)

plumpolkadot1

If you want to see my boards, click on the icon above.

These are the boards I started:

1. Encouragement from the Bible - any Bible verse that addresses suffering or provides encouragement (and was the cutest image I could find)
   
2. Christian encouragement - other quotes or sayings that could lift you up if you're feeling down
3. Saints quotes on suffering - mostly from saints but does include other famous Catholics
4. Catholic infertility - quotes related to the Catholic view of marriage and infertility (I'm really hoping to find more pins to add to this one, so if you know of any, please tell me where to find them.)
5. NFP Natural Family Planning - images, quotes, and articles on NFP (including the Creighton Model and NaProTechnology)
6. GF DF SF recipes - gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free recipes (or those that could be easily made that way) that I've tried
7. Infertility humor - memes, cartoons, etc.

I'm trying to limit my time on there, but I can see how people spend hours and hours looking for fun things to pin.  :)

Mixed messages

DH and I like to take day trips on Saturdays when the weather is nice.  On one such trip, we traveled several hours to reach our destination, so we saw a lot of cars that day.  All of the pictures below except the last one were taken on the same trip.

I didn't add them, but I see AF license plates just about weekly. They are everywhere!

It still hurts

We've been TTC for five years now.  That "anniversary" was earlier this summer.  My first thought is that IF still hurts.  Maybe you're thinking, "Well, duh."  The tears still catch me off guard from time to time.  Almost anything that reminds me of the joy of children and our lack thereof has the potential to trigger the waterworks and re-open the deep pain of longing and grief.  Even though the emotional pain hasn't gone away, I dwell on it less often than the earlier days of IF, so in that way it's not as all-encompassing as it used to be.  The number of days in a month that I shed tears related to IF is significantly decreased from previous years.  Whether this is a natural progression over time or not, there has been a lot of God's grace bringing me to this point because the "please-God-give-me-babies" crying tantrums were much more frequent in the past, and yet the desire for children is still as strong as ever.  Now it's tempered with an outlook that I am not in control, I don't get to know ahead of time when/if our family will grow, and it's possible it may be a long time before it happens.  And many days out of the month, I find there's peace knowing that's a possibility.  If God can bring me to some level of peace—me, the girl who added a prayer intention during her wedding Mass specifically asking God to bless her marriage with children because there weren't enough other places in the Mass where that same prayer was offered and surely God would listen to the prayers of everyone in attendance—God can bring anyone to that same peace. :)  (I distinctly remember my thought process in adding that intention.  It's as if I subconsciously knew we would face infertility, but I needed to feel in control that my dreams of children would come true.)

I still do have this fear of long-term childlessness, and I can't quite put my finger on why it bothers me from time to time (it comes and goes like the tears).  Maybe it's the fear that I'm going to spend many more years in a state of grief?  When the waves of grief come, the emotional pain can be intense.  But like I said above, those feelings happen less often these days.  Maybe I still can't let go of the desire for children.  Complete abandonment to God's will is really hard, especially when your dreams are involved.  I know I need to trust God that if He's asking us to live a childless life for a while longer or indefinitely, that it will be okay.  Maybe it's a good thing I don't know today how long we'll be childless—that could send me into despair quickly.  If I know God's in charge of my future, I'll just work on getting through today.  :)

Today's Gospel was quite fitting:  the story of Peter getting out of the boat and walking on the water to Jesus (Matthew 14:22-33).  Peter takes his eyes off Jesus for a second to look at the storm around him and fear sets in.  The same thing happens to me.  I take my eyes off Jesus to look around at all the happy families having babies and wish I could have that too.  Then I become sad (or any number of negative emotions) and start to whine to God about my life.  One look at a crucifix is usually enough to realign my gaze (and my emotions), but it's almost as if I can hear God saying to me (as Jesus did to Peter), "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I've been wondering this lately:  do I have to never get what I want? (i.e. children)  Is that what it is going to take for me to really trust God?  It reminds me of the story from Exodus of the Israelites in the desert after they had been freed from slavery in Egypt (Exodus 16-17).  Even though they should have been grateful to God for their freedom, they grumbled and complained.  God sent them manna and told them only to collect enough for one day.  He was testing them to see if they would trust Him that He was faithful and would give them more manna the next day.  They found other things to complain about, like being thirsty.  God gave them water.  They stayed in the desert for forty years, and God provided them manna for every day.  Is it going to take forty years for me to learn to trust God that life will be okay if my dream of children goes unfulfilled?  On the flip side, if He does bless us with children, will I rely on Him as much as I do now, because I have no other choice than to cling to Him in my suffering?

Even though we've been TTC for five years and during that time there have been plenty of people around us get pregnant, I still struggle with how I react to their news.  I mean, I'm better than I used to be, but there's still room to grow.  Sometimes when others announce a pregnancy or give birth, I feel joy for them.  I have managed (with plenty of grace of course) 100% joy/0% jealousy for some formerly IF ladies.  Sometimes I still struggle with jealousy and even envy and not just with my fertile acquaintances.  What kind of horrible person is ever envious, even a little bit, of an IFer getting pregnant?  I don't blame you if you want to run far away from this blog and never come back.  Sometimes the bitterness that has come with IF and tends to linger under the surface just brings me to tears because I hate that I feel that way.  I don't remember feeling bitterness in my pre-IF days.

Usually there's a protective layer around my heart.  The thickness of that layer changes along with my hormone levels.  It's much thicker during the "fertile" time (so far I'm only fertile on paper) and most of the post-peak phase.  It gets rather thin a few days before AF arrives and remains that way until AF has stayed for a couple days.

There are of course exceptions to this pattern.  I've had pregnancy announcements from fertile friends on CD1 that don't make me cry.  And sometimes the tears will come when I thought I was feeling pretty emotionally stable.  Take a Sunday from last cycle, for example.  It was mid-post-peak so I should have been fine.  But I was not fine.  I cried on and off during Mass as if it were CD1.  Maybe knowing we've been TTC for five years was the reason.  The music director played an instrumental version of a very fitting song too—I sort of think of it as my IF theme song.  I've posted it here before.

"Be Still My Soul" - Jean Sibelius

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears.
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and wind still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

(this version has verses 1, 3, and 4)


(this version by a boys' choir has verses 1, 2, and 4)

Still tweaking

1.  I would have thought that doing NaPro treatments for over four years would mean that we would be done with finding new problems and just be on maintenance treatment for the "old" problems.  That doesn't seem to be the case yet.  In NaPro there are usually three stages: find, fix, count (find the problems, try treatments to fix them, and then start counting good ("effective") cycles (up to 12-18) where your chart is pretty and everything seems to be normal).  In my experience, I've bounced back and forth between find and fix for a while, and then stayed in "fix" because the treatments weren't working (e.g. to eliminate TEBB) or the problem came back after having been fixed (endo—resulting in my second surgery last year).

I thought (naively?) that saying goodbye to TEBB and lowering my prolactin were the last things that needed fixing.  Apparently not, at least if you look at my chart.  I had one picture perfect cycle the first cycle without TEBB a few months ago.  Effective cycle count: 1.  The next cycle I had three days of premenstrual spotting at the end.  Boo.  Where did that come from??  Premenstrual spotting is usually caused by low progesterone after ovulation.  But that doesn't make any sense.  I'm on low-dose Clomid and post-peak HCG.  My P+7 hormone levels have been great for months and months and got even better when the TEBB disappeared.  But just in case my hormones drop too low too soon before AF arrives, Dr. K thought I could try taking more HCG.  So the following cycle I took HCG on four days post-peak (adding in P+3) instead of the three days post-peak (P+5, P+7, P+9) which I have done for the last four years.  Guess what happened to my P+7 hormones that cycle?  They were through the roof.  Like way too high.  And I didn't take my P+7 HCG before the blood draw.  Estradiol was 57 (goal >12; my previous high: 53), and progesterone was 96 (goal >13; my previous high: 73).  96!!  Yikes!  Dr. K was on vacation for that cycle review, so I had a substitute doctor review my chart.  He said to try P+3 HCG for one more cycle and see what the next P+7 values were before changing anything.  But the third cycle without TEBB looked good otherwise, so effective cycle count is at 2.  Or maybe it's back to 1 because of the premenstrual spotting the cycle prior?  Not sure if the effective cycles have to be consecutive...

2.  Now I'm in the fourth cycle in a row without TEBB.  Am I dreaming?  Is this possible?  :)  I love it!  But this cycle won't count as an effective cycle either, and it's not even over yet.  Why?  I had three days of random brown spotting around the time my mucus started.  On two of those days it lasted all day.  Gross.  Disappointing.  And bizarre—the brown showed up days after my period ended.  I'm hoping it's not a sign my endo is back.  Looking back on old charts, I noticed that, for the most part, I would have the occasional mid-cycle spotting about every three months or so...prior to my first surgery for endo.  After surgery?  Spotting disappeared for a long time.  It reappeared about when my pain returned 15 months later.  Again after my second endo surgery I had very rare mid-cycle spotting.  It's becoming a little more frequent lately.  I might have had a little pain during my last period, but it happened so fast that I really wasn't paying attention to see how bad it was.  I hope that I imagined it.  I really don't want my endo to be back.  :(

3.  My vitamin D is much better.  In May when I had it tested during my endocrinologist visit it was 79, a significant improvement from 39 last November.  I've been taking 8000 IU of liquid vitamin D daily since November, and I'm glad it's helping.

4.  Oh, and speaking of the blood work the endocrinologist ordered...  I called her office and asked the nurse to send me copies of all the results.  When I received them in the mail, I was rather surprised.  I wish I would have looked more closely at the order sheet that I dutifully carried from the exam room to the lab after finishing the appointment.  You will never guess what additional test she ordered without telling me?  A pregnancy test!!!  Ugh!!!  Talk about sneaking behind a patient's back.  :P  That day was CD6, and AF was completely normal (including a heavy day and a moderate day), so I had zero reason to think I was pregnant.  Did she ask me if it was a normal period?  No.  Charting didn't even come up.  I probably even had my chart with me.  (Gotta be prepared!)  ;)  So now in the time we've been TTC, I've had three blood pregnancy tests done, all three of which I was 110% confident would have been negative.  The first two were prior to each surgery...I understand they want to be extra careful so they check anyway.  I really hope I don't have to do any more fake blood pregnancy tests.

5.  And in completely unrelated news, there was an article floating around Facebook about the unhealthy things used to make disposable menstrual pads, which led me to search out more on the topic.  I wonder if any of those chemicals in the pads have a hand in the development or regrowth of endo...?  Even if they don't, all those chemicals near such a vascular area can't be a good thing.  The pads I buy are just the mainstream brands, nothing organic.  I mentioned a while ago that I haven't used tampons since my second surgery a year and a half ago because I heard stories from a couple ladies that their TEBB stayed away after ditching tampons.  While using only pads didn't make my TEBB go away, I didn't want to make things worse if I could help it so I have continued avoiding tampons.  I have noticed my periods are lighter (the heaviest days are not nearly so heavy) than when I used tampons, so that is a welcome change.  I have heard others make that observation as well.

Someone commented on the article that she makes her own cloth pads.  I was immediately intrigued.  If you had suggested cloth pads to me last year, I probably would have been like, "Eww.  No way."  I'm not sure what changed, but the idea sounds great to me now.  (DH's first reaction was, "Eww.  I am NOT washing those.")  I've searched a bit for fabrics online but I haven't decided on anything yet.  I do know I want organic fabric.  Cotton flannel or bamboo?  That is the question!  If I'm going to make pads to avoid the chemicals in the disposable ones, I'm going to go all out on these and make sure there are no chemicals.  I'm also debating between all white pads (boring but no dyes) vs. super cute patterns and colors.  I haven't found anything that says dyes are bad, and I do love cute things so I might be leaning that way...  Anyone else use cloth pads?

6. One of my favorite hobbies is sewing.  When I sew something for the first time, I usually create a Word document with step by step instructions and pictures on how to make it so I can use it for future projects.  For a change of pace, I've sometimes considered posting little sewing tutorials here on my blog for the different projects I've done, but I always decided against it because they were mostly baby-related gifts (burp cloths, breastfeeding wrap, etc.) and didn't really seem to fit on an IF blog.  I know all IFers have fertile friends and family that they might want to sew for, but I just decided not to post them.  A cloth pad tutorial would be much more appropriate for an IF blog, now wouldn't it?  ;)

IF womb blessing

You may have heard about the blessing of a child in the womb for pregnant women that the USCCB approved two years ago.  But did you know you can ask a priest for a womb blessing as an infertile woman?

Here's the story of what happened when I asked for a womb blessing.  I hope you are comfy because it's not exactly short.

Years ago a good friend of ours was ordained to the priesthood, and DH and I attended his ordination.  I had never been to an ordination before.  It was probably the most beautiful Mass I have ever witnessed.  It is just so moving to watch as someone gives his entire life to serving God and His Church.  I love our priests.  :)  In the years that followed I longed to attend another ordination, but it just never worked out.  Then two years ago in April I saw the announcement for our diocese's ordination so I put it on the calendar.  I was looking forward to it a lot.

The ordination was just as beautiful as I remember the last one, even though I didn't know this new priest personally.  If you've never been to an ordination, you are missing out.  They usually take place in May or June, so you can plan ahead for next year...way ahead.  :)

Since we didn't receive an invitation to the reception afterwards, we weren't planning on going to that...unless there was a general announcement at ordination inviting everyone.  And there was!  There were even printed driving directions for everyone.  I guess it was more of a diocesan event than a personal reception for the priest's friends and family.  (When my friend had his ordination reception years ago, we had received a formal invitation, but I can't remember if it was a joint reception with the other new priest ordained at the same time.  I suppose different dioceses do it differently.)

At the reception a line quickly formed so people could receive a blessing from the new priest.  Just like at a wedding where the newlyweds often don't get a chance to eat because they're busy greeting their guests, the priest didn't get much more than a bottle of water before the line formed.  This was expected of course, and they had a small kneeler set up in a corner where the priest was standing for this purpose.  I watched as people greeted the priest and kissed the palm of each of his hands.  How beautiful the hands of priests because they give us Jesus in the Eucharist.

When DH and I got to the front of the line, we could see that the priest had several different blessings spread out in front of him—one for individuals, one for couples, etc. Before we knelt down, I asked if he would bless my womb because of our infertility.  I thought he could just add a spontaneous sentence or two to the blessing he was already going to give us.  I had heard that you can ask any priest for a womb blessing if you're infertile—which is why I asked—and I assumed that meant the priest would just come up with some appropriate words on the spot.  He said he didn't have a womb blessing in front of him, but if we waited until everyone else had gone, then he would find one for us.  I was surprised and pleased that he would do that for us, given that there were a lot of people in line, and he probably wanted to spend time visiting with family and friends after finishing up the individual blessings.  He offered to give us the married couple blessing that he had on front of him, so we knelt down.  It was all in Latin, and I know only a handful of words, so I had no idea what he said.  It sounded nice though.  Everything sounds nice in Latin.  :)

We sat down on some nearby chairs to wait.  About an hour later the line was nearing its end, and most of the people had gone home.  Someone finally brought the new priest a plate of food.  A seminarian came over and started talking to the priest.  He stayed close to the priest and was doing something on his phone.  In between blessings, he would show the phone to the priest.  I thought maybe someone had sent a congratulatory message to the priest that he wanted to see...maybe on Facebook or something.  When the last person was blessed, I assumed the priest would sit down to eat, so we remained where we were.  I didn't really want to bother the priest since we could get a womb blessing from any priest...I just thought it would be extra special to receive it from a brand new priest.  Instead of sitting down to eat with his friends who had brought him the plate of food, the priest took the cell phone from the seminarian and walked directly over to where we were sitting.

He smiled and said they found a womb blessing for infertile couples.  (Apparently it was the seminarian on his phone who found it.)

I was shocked and really touched that he'd go through the effort of finding one for us!  I had no idea that one already existed.

He raised his hand and started to pray over us.  Again it was all in Latin.  I tried to listen for words I knew, which is not very many.  The only thing relevant I could think of was "fructus" from the Hail Mary:  "and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus" (et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus).  I think I heard the word fructus.  I do remember Abraham's name mentioned.  DH knows more Latin than me and thought part of it was about Israel.  For all I know, he could have recounted all the couples in the Old Testament that faced infertility in addition to the entire history of Israel's relationship with God.  It was a long blessing.  Really long.  It took five minutes maybe?  Maybe a bit shorter, but not much.  I was expecting a paragragh at most, so this was quite extensive.

I sincerely thanked the priest after he finished and asked on what website he found the blessing because I would love to see the English translation of it.  He said it was a PDF file, and he had the hard copy of the book elsewhere.  So I couldn't get a copy of it from him...  I knew some of you might want to see it as well, so my inquiry wasn't just for me.  :)  The priest then asked our names and promised to continue to pray for us.  I was so touched by his kindness that I could feel the tears coming.  I held them in until we left.  Since not very many (non-IF) people acknowledge the suffering that accompanies IF, it means a lot to me when someone does.

My plan was to ask a priest I knew if he would give me the text of the womb blessing.  I thought it wouldn't be too difficult of a request.  I was wrong.  I have asked multiple (I've lost track how many) priests if they can find the text of the blessing we received, and no one has had any success in finding it.  Apparently this blessing is not in the book of blessings that most priests have.  Unfortunately I can't contact the priest who gave us the blessing because he is taking time away from parish life to do some studying.

It recently dawned on me that it was the seminarian who found it, so maybe I should ask a seminarian.  I contacted a seminarian that I've met before, and I am waiting to hear back.

If any of you happen to have a copy of this blessing, please send it to me so I can post it here for everyone.  I am on a mission here!

The reason I did not post this earlier (say, two years ago when we received the blessing) is because I really wanted to include the text of the blessing here.  Even though I still don't have it, I have something else!  :)  There is a blessing for infertile couples that is approved for use in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Australia, and I acquired the text.  I put a link at the top of my blog with the entire text.  I also saved it as a PDF if you want to download it.

Here's a link to the IF blessing.

Ladies, I encourage you to ask your priest for a womb blessing!  It's not any kind of guarantee of course but we need all the blessing and prayers and spiritual help we can get!  You all know that IF is a such tough cross to carry, and this might make carrying that cross just a bit easier.