Infertility Awareness Week

The post below is being published on multiple blogs this week. It was written by a group of ladies in the Catholic IF Facebook group.  It's a wonderful group, and if you'd like to join it, see the end of this post for information.

Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please…

• Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.
• Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.
• Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.
• Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.
• Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.
• Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.
• Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.
• Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.
• Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.
• Do not ask when we are going to “start a family.” (we started one the day we got married)
• Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.
• Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds; please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.
• Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

Resources:
Infertility Companion for Catholics
Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach
Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)

Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace
DM & AM @ Snapshots
K @ Lucky as Sunshine
L @ Infertile in Minnesota
Lora @ Abounding Love
Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption
Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12
Polkadot @ Making God Laugh
Rebecca @ The Road Home
Stephanie @ Blessed to Be
Stephanie @ Chateau d’IF
*A. @ All in His Perfect Timing
*Alison @ Matching Moonheads 
*E. @ God’s Plan is My Joy
*Jenny @ All Things
*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things
*M. @ Joy Beyond the Cross
*Morgan @ Life as We Know It
*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace

There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.

With open hands

That's what I was originally going to title this blog.  I went with "Making God Laugh" because I didn't have a picture of hands to go along with the other title, and you absolutely cannot have a nice blog without a good picture.  See, even if you don't have much that's useful to say, you should at least look good doing it.  Irony of ironies, I have the same boring header I had when I started this blog 3.75 years ago...so much for that decision based on appearances.  ;)

The phrase "with open hands" came from a talk I heard in college at our campus parish.  The speaker was discussing how we receive gifts from God.  He was trying to make the point that we are stewards but not owners, and God is free to take back the gifts at any time.  Here's the image he gave us:

Imagine each gift God gives us is a balloon.  The gift could be anything:  spouse, particular talent, job, health, etc.

Imagine standing with your hands out ready to catch the balloon.  Each of your fingers has a thumbtack on it.

The only way to catch and hold the balloon with thumbtacks is if you keep your hands wide open.

If you would try to grab the balloon or hold it tightly, it would pop.  If at a later point God wanted to take back the balloon, He would have to pry it out of your hands, and it wouldn't look as beautiful as when he originally gave it to you.

The speaker's point was that the proper posture before God is flat, open hands.  We gladly receive what He gives us, but we don't become overly attached or turn the gift into an idol or think we deserve the gift because it might be on loan to us for a limited time.  On the day God asks for the gift back, it will make it all the more difficult to let go of the gift if you sit there with fists clenched saying, "Mine.  Mine."

With that background, here's the story...

Two years ago on Holy Thursday I was sitting in a dimly lit church.  Evening Mass had finished a while ago, and there were only a handful of people remaining in adoration.  I imagined Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, pleading with God that there be another way besides the cross.

“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.”  (Matthew 26:39)

“My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!” (Matthew 26:42)

He prayed the same thing a third time.

So I thought, if Jesus prayed like that, I can too.  I started to pray with all sincerity and lots of begging, "If it is possible, let the cup of infertility pass from me; but not my will but yours be done."  I definitely put a lot more emphasis on the first part (infertility passing) than on the second part (your will be done).  :)  It might have turned into praying just the first part...

Normally I don't hear God speaking to me directly in prayer.  That night I did.  In the middle of my begging, I "heard" this in my head:  "I want your fertility.  Give me your fertility."

I immediately thought of the balloon metaphor I described above and how fertility was the balloon I was grasping onto with all my might.

If I wasn't already crying, by that point I was.  I'm not proud of it, but the first thing I said to God in response was, "I can't.  It's asking too much."  I wondered if that's how Jesus felt in the garden; if He knew the answer to His prayer was "no" but the thought of going through the crucifixion just seemed so overwhelming that he had to ask to be spared.  (Clearly the crucifixion is light-years different than infertility.)

I feared that if I gave my fertility to God and relinquished my "control," it would mean infertility forever and the death and burial of my dreams.

I left church that night with no resolution.  I kept thinking that I can't let go.  It's too painful.

I wish I could say this story has a happy ending—that I've been able to let go and give God my fertility.  There has been progress for sure, but I'm not completely there yet.  The thought of one day stopping all TTC meds doesn't distress me as much as it used to; I can see how there would be peace and acceptance in that decision.  If that day comes, I'm sure there will be a whole new level of grief to face, but along with that will come boatloads of grace...grace that I don't have today.

When I originally wanted to name my blog "With Open Hands," I knew that I did not have open hands, but hoped that it might continually inspire me to work toward it.  Even though I didn't use it for my title, it has been a motivator for me nonetheless.


**Special thanks to DH for humoring me when I said I needed him to model for me.

The saints on suffering 3

For more quotes, parts one and two are here and here.

"One must not think that a person who is suffering is not praying. He is offering up his sufferings to God, and many a time he is praying much more truly than one who goes away by himself and meditates his head off, and, if he has squeezed out a few tears, thinks that is prayer."  ~St. Teresa of Avila

"He who goes to meet the cross, goes in the opposite direction to crosses; he meets them, perhaps, but he is pleased to meet them; he loves them; he carries them courageously. They unite him to Our Lord; they purify him; they detach him from this world; they remove all obstacles from his heart; they help him to pass through life, as a bridge helps us to pass over water..."  ~St. John Vianney

"Whether, therefore, we receive what we ask for, or do not receive it, let us still continue steadfast in prayer. For to fail in obtaining the desires of our heart, when God so wills it, is not worse than to receive it; for we know not as He does, what is profitable to us."  ~St. John Chrysostom

"If you seek patience, you will find no better example than the cross. Great patience occurs in two ways: either when one patiently suffers much, or when one suffers things which one is able to avoid and yet does not avoid. Christ endured much on the cross, and did so patiently, because when he suffered he did not threaten; he was led like a sheep to the slaughter and he did not open his mouth." ~St. Thomas Aquinas

"Thank the good God for having visited you through suffering; if we knew the value of suffering, we would have asked for it." ~St. Brother Andre

"Do not give into fear in the face of the changes and chances of this life. Rather, as they arise, look at them with full trust in God, to whom you belong, who will enable you - through His powerful love - to profit from them. He has guided you thus far in life; so hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through every trial. Whenever you cannot stand, he will carry you in his loving arms. Do not be anxious about what may happen tomorrow. The same Eternal Father who takes care of you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day of your life. He will either shield you from suffering, or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then, and put aside all useless thoughts, all vain dreads and all anxious imaginations." ~St. Francis de Sales

"If at times it seems that the Lord is not listening to us, we must be careful not to lose heart. It may be that He wants us to shout a little louder into the ears of His goodness, to prove as a result the greatness of His mercy... When the Lord withdraws His consolations in prayer, He does not do this to discourage us or create a gulf between us, but to force us to come closer to His goodness, to practice perseverance and to give some proof of our patience." ~St. Francis de Sales

"The most beautiful Credo is that which comes from your lips in darkness, in sacrifice, in pain, in the supreme effort of an unbending will for good. It is this which, like a stroke of lightning, penetrates the darkness of the soul; it is this which in the flash of the tempest lifts you and leads you to God." ~St. Padre Pio

“Those who love God do not protest, whatever He may ask of them, nor doubt His kindness when He sends them difficult hours. A sick person takes medicine without asking the physician to justify its bitter taste because the patient trusts the doctor’s knowledge; so the soul that has sufficient faith accepts all the events of life as gifts of God in the serene assurance that God knows best.” ~Venerable Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

"Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about." ~Blessed John Henry Newman

"The cross will never oppress you; its weight might cause you to stagger, but its strength will sustain you."  ~St. Padre Pio

"Don't fear adversity because it brings you to the foot of the cross and the cross puts you at the gates of Heaven, where you can find the one who is the champion of death, and He will introduce you to eternity."  ~St. Padre Pio

"The Lord sometimes makes you feel the weight of the cross. Although the weight seems intolerable, you are able to carry it, because the Lord, in His love and mercy extends a Hand to you and gives you strength." ~St. Padre Pio

"In darkness, at times of tribulation and distress of the spirit, Jesus is with you. In such a state you see nothing but darkness, but I can assure you on God's behalf that the light of the Lord is all around you and pervades your spirit. . .You see yourself forsaken and I assure you that Jesus is holding you tighter than ever to His divine Heart." ~St. Padre Pio

“God values your readiness to face suffering and deprivation for love of him more than all the consolations, spiritual visions, and meditations which you may have.” ~St. John of the Cross.

"If you fall into some sin, humble yourself at once and rise again with a more fervent act of love. When something you do not want happens to you, offer it to God immediately by an act of conformity with His holy Will, and acquire the habit of always repeating in all adverse situations the words: 'Such is God's Will and such also is mine.' Acts of resignation are acts of love most dear and pleasing to the Heart of God." ~St. Alphonsus Liguori

"Many people would like to attain union with God but they cannot bear the contradictions he sends them. They hate the sickness which strikes them, or the poverty they suffer, or the insults they receive. Since they cannot be resigned, they never succeed in reaching total union with God." ~St. Alphonsus Liguori

“Holy Communion is the shortest way to Heaven. There are others, innocence for instance, but that is for little children; penance, but we are afraid of it; generous endurance of the trials of life, but when they approach us, we weep and pray to be delivered. Once for all, beloved children, the surest, easiest, shortest way is by the Holy Eucharist.” ~Pope St. Pius X

And some words from a non-saint...

"My child, God will not allow you to be tempted, tested, or tormented beyond your strength. His help will always be equal to the trial He sends. Give heed to His grace, for it already speaks to you, and respond to His inspirations. If God has more crosses in store for someone, He gives greater graces that the person may bear them. Crosses are the most precious gifts God can give His creature; and the creature's acceptance of them is the most pleasing sacrifice it can offer its Creator. If the crosses He intends for you are heavy, that means He has great plans for your sanctification. Do you want to prevent those divine plans being fulfilled?"  ~Alexander de Rouville (The Imitation of Mary)

Good news, sort of

I don't have a brain tumor!  Yay!!!  Thank you, God.  I am so relieved.  :)

Since I hadn't heard anything from PPVI, I sent an e-mail to Dr. K's nurses today asking if they had received the results from my MRI last Monday.  I also mentioned that I was "just curious if I have brain tumor."  I normally hate to bother them between cycle reviews, but I figured this was reasonable.  :)  I know they are super busy with lots of patients, but I didn't want to slip through the cracks and end up waiting until my next cycle review for the results and possibly starting a new medicine.

They either had the results ready or they were planning to call me anyway because just over an hour after I sent the e-mail I got a call from a PPVI nurse.  She said there was no evidence of a microadenoma (tumor), but they did find a "diffusely enlarged pituitary."  Dr. K didn't know what the significance of that was, so she contacted a neurosurgeon colleague.  The neurosurgeon said I should go see an endocrinologist in case the pituitary is causing other hormone problems.

Dr. K is starting me on the medication bromocriptine to try to lower my prolactin.  She'll recheck the level in a month to see how the medicine is working.  I'm hoping the side effects aren't too bad.  It's not known as the nicest medicine to be taking.  Common side effects are nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and headaches.

I called to make an appointment with an endocrinologist in the same building where I had the MRI.  I figured it would be easier because the doctor would already have access to the results.  The receptionist said Dr. K needs to contact them directly asking for a consult for me.  I protested that the MRI was the reason for the consult, and they had that already.  Didn't work.  :(  Can't blame a girl for trying...  So once the nurses fax over a request along with my prolactin lab value, I can make an appointment.  I've never been to an endocrinologist so I'm curious to see how this appointment goes.  I'm not looking forward to explaining that I'm taking T3 (thyroid) and hydrocortisone (steriod).

And DH's response to the above news?  "So you have a malfunctioning brain, huh?"  :)

And then he said, "Can we get a picture from your MRI?  I want to put it up as my background on the computer."

I, of course, consulted Dr. Google about the diffusely enlarged pituitary.  Hopefully it's nothing to worry about, but I did find some case reports where the patients were treated surgically.  I am not a doctor.  Let me repeat:  I am not a doctor.  No more internet searching for me until after meeting with the endocrinologist.  :)

I want to say thank you again for all your prayers!  They are much appreciated.  :)

Stations of the Cross - IF style

Last year I wrote reflections on a few of the Stations of the Cross. Now I did all of them. The text in italics is from a booklet used at our parish (author unknown).

Station 1: Jesus is condemned to death

Jesus, our brother, we stand in silence as you are condemned by Pilate. Standing in silence is not new to us. We have stood silent as you went hungry by our tables, as you were orphaned in our wars, as you walked powerless in our world. We always stand in silence for we, like Pilate, are bowed, broken and afraid. Break the chains of this silence which lies so heavily on our lives. Give us the courage to speak in your behalf.

Jesus was completely innocent, and yet He was sentenced to torture and a cruel death.  I am not innocent.  My sin is always before me, and while I know infertility is not a punishment for sin, it is a consequence of living in a fallen world, and it is my present reality.  In moments when I am tempted to think that I don't deserve to be infertile for whatever reason, help me, God, to remember that I am not innocent like Jesus was and give me the humility to accept my infertility.

~*~

Station 2: Jesus accepts his cross

Jesus, our brother, we watch you bear the cross and do not understand. Our hearts are hardened. Everyone tells us that suffering is evil and must be avoided at every cost. We flee sickness, sorrow and pain. Your carrying your cross says something different about suffering. Help us to follow you even when we do not understand.

There are many aspects of life that cause suffering for the infertile—BFNs, difficult or untreatable diagnoses, dashed dreams, lack of compassion from others, and watching others get pregnant easily.  My first instinct is to try to run from this cross.   But Jesus redeemed the world through the Cross, and He allows me to participate in that redemptive work through my sufferings.  St. Paul says, "...I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ..." (Colossians 1:24)  Jesus gave suffering value and power, so I will follow His example, take up my cross willingly, and offer my sufferings for the good of others.

~*~

Station 3: Jesus falls the first time

Jesus, our brother, you have fallen with your cross. We wonder if you have not fallen again today. Everywhere we see signs of weakness: in our church, in our nation, in our world. We see dissension, controversy, turmoil. We are scandalized. We do not understand. Our faith begins to falter. Help us to find you hidden in your weakness. Help us to find you beneath the cross.

By the time Jesus fell the first time, He had been deprived of sleep, food, and water; scourged; crowned with thorns; and physically abused.  With a heavy weight on His shoulders, it is not surprising that, after all that had been done to weaken His body, He fell.  There are many things in my life, both big and small, that weaken my resolve to carry the cross of infertility faithfully.  Reminders of what I don't have can be especially painful, like sitting next to family with a baby at Mass, passing by a pregnant woman in the grocery store, receiving an invitation to a baby shower, or seeing pictures of the children of friends married for less time than me.  God, help me to be grateful for all the blessings you have given me, and help me to get up after I feel crushed by the weight of infertility.

~*~

Station 4: Jesus meets His mother

Jesus our brother, we are moved by Mary’s love for you. We are amazed by Mary's love for us. It is hard to believe she has not lost confidence in us. But we know she has not. She saw beneath your grime and agony. She saw your hidden beauty. We trust she can do the same for us. We need to be understood these days. We so often feel alone.

My life isn't going according to my plan.  I would have had X (number of) kids by now if I had my way.  Mary's life did not go according to her plan.  Once she gave her fiat, she opened herself up entirely to God's will, but that did not mean she was spared from suffering.  The first two of her seven sorrows happened when Jesus was just a baby and continued throughout her life.  God, following Mary's example, help me to pray, "Not my will, but your will be done," and open my mind and heart to what You desire of me.

~*~

Station 5: Jesus is aided by Simon

Jesus, our brother, We have to admire Simon. He took up your cross and followed you. He had so little doubt, so little hesitation. We see you suffering in all around us, in the poor, in the powerless, in the misunderstood. We are so hesitant to come to your aid. We find so many excuses. We remain aloof. Grant us the wisdom and the courage to help the least of your brothers and so help you.

Infertility can be such a personal and private cross.  No two people facing infertility respond to it in the exact same way.  But crosses are not meant to be carried alone.  What I learn from carrying this cross may help me to better support a friend going through her own struggles.  God, let infertility teach me to have a more compassionate heart so that I might be Simon to others as they carry their own crosses and grant me the humility to accept help from others who offer to be Simon to me.

~*~

Station 6: Veronica wipes the face of Jesus

Jesus, our brother, you rewarded Veronica for her courage. You left your face upon her veil. You will reward us for our courage; you will leave the imprint of your face upon our lives. "By this will all know that you are my disciples: that you love one another." Help us forget our fears and reach out to serve our needy brothers and sisters.

One way to make the suffering from infertility more bearable is to make an extra effort to serve others. Veronica showed Jesus great kindness, and He rewarded her with an image of His face. When I reach out to others in service, the gift I receive is to see the face of Jesus in those in need. Jesus said, "...whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40)  God, give me the courage and motivation to serve others despite my pain.

~*~

Station 7: Jesus falls the second time

Jesus, our brother, you must have been discouraged by your second fall. We too, know discouragement. Our best efforts end in failure. Those we love do not seem to love us. Regardless of our efforts, life does not bring peace. What shall we do? We will imitate your example and try again, even in the face of futility.

How many times do I fall because of infertility? Doubt, despair, envy, pride...the list goes on. It's discouraging enough to fall once, but when it happens multiple times, it gets harder to want to get up again. Every new pregnancy announcement around me is a new chance to stumble. I should be able to handle each one gracefully by now—I've had plenty of opportunities to practice this—yet still I fall into envy. But if Jesus can get up again while still under the weight of the Cross, so will I try harder next time.

~*~

Station 8: Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem

"Weep not for me, but for you and for your children." ~Luke 23:28

Jesus, our brother, in the midst of your sufferings you had compassion for others and their pain. We are often so self-centered. We do not see the suffering of others. We want pity, kindness, and understanding. We are willing to give so little in return. Help us forget ourselves. Awaken us to the pain in the lives of others.

How often with infertility do I look inward and only see my own pain? It's so easy to slip into thinking that my suffering is worse than everyone else's around me; others can't possibly be hurting as much as I am. The challenge is to acknowledge the pain in someone else and respond in love, even when it's hard, like listening to a friend complain about how little sleep she's getting because she has a newborn. I thought I was doing well by biting my tongue—I would gladly get no sleep if it meant I had a baby, and I was itching to tell my friend that—but maybe imitating Christ would mean going a step further and showing her some understanding while forgetting my pain for a second.

~*~

Station 9: Jesus falls the third time

Jesus, our brother, your third fall is the beginning of your death agony. Our world is filled with dying people: in war, in famine, in hospitals, on highways. Many this day will die alone. May our prayers become comfort for the dying, especially those who must die alone.

How many times do I want to throw the cross of infertility away because it is just so hard?  How many times do I want to avoid suffering, when I should be trying to avoid sin? When life brings so much pain and sorrow, I have no where left to turn except the arms of Jesus.  The pain can help focus my gaze on the hope in what God has planned for me.  Despite my human weakness, I must remember that my joy comes not from what the world offers me, but from God.  I resolve to pick up my cross daily regardless of how many times I have stumbled in carrying it in the past.

~*~

Station 10: Jesus is stripped of His garments

Jesus, our brother, there is something fearful in thinking of you stripped before the crowd. Even the privacy of clothing is taken. You have given up everything for us. We give so little in return. May we have the grace to give, to give of what we have, to help our brothers and sisters suffering all around us.

I need to die to myself—to my wants and desires, to my selfishness and sin. Sometimes suffering is the main or only vehicle which allows that to happen. God knows all the suffering I endure related to infertility can refine me, but like gold that's tested in a fire, the process is not easy or quick or painless. St. Peter says, "...for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 1:6-7) God sends me graces so that through this suffering my soul might turn into something beautiful, if only I would cooperate.

~*~

Station 11: Jesus is nailed to the cross

Jesus, our brother, the pain of those nails was unjust. Your hands which did such good, your feet which walked on errands of mercy, are now punished. You received little gratitude for the good you did. Why should we expect more for the good we do? Help us give and ask nothing in return.

To the outside world, DH and I are a childless couple.  We could be contracepting.  We could be more interested in careers or spending time as a married couple than having children.  We could be doing IVF.  The assumptions and judgements sting, especially from fellow Christians.  Sometimes I wish I could just wear a flashing neon sign that says, "I'm open to life, and I'm following the church's teaching on how life should be brought into the world."  But I don't need approval or a pat on the back from others for trying to live a moral life, even in ways that remain hidden from others' eyes.  Let God's opinion be the only one that matters to me.  Let me be obedient and do good for Him and Him alone.

~*~

Station 12: Jesus dies on the cross

Lord Jesus, you have the greatest love for us. What can we say in the face of it? We can only try to imitate you, by responding to the sisters and brothers you have given to us to love.

It is easy to feel alone when you're infertile.  I try to open up to friends or family about what I'm going through and they dismiss my pain, so I retreat inward and feel isolated.  But I am never alone.  Jesus gave His life for me, and He, more than anyone, knows what it's like to feel alone.  He knows my pain and my isolation.  He is with me always.  If I am close to Jesus on the cross, I will be with Him rejoicing when Easter comes.

~*~

Station 13: Jesus is taken down from the cross

Jesus, our brother, you are laid in the arms of your mother. The agony is over. But the resurrection is not yet. Your Father's plan requires patience. So it is with us. We reach moments when only patience can carry us on. We know that something better will come. But when? Help us share your patience and the patience of your mother.

We know the ending—Jesus triumphs. But that doesn't mean our life looks like Easter all the time. Much of infertility looks like Good Friday. We've been TTC for so long. How many cycles will it take to conceive? Will we conceive ever? How long will we have the cross of childlessness? Will it be life-long? Patience is so important in learning to accept this cross. I have to trust God that His plans for me are for my ultimate good, even if it doesn't look like what I had in mind.

~*~

Station 14: Jesus is laid in the tomb

Jesus, our brother, the end of life is so definite. We fear it deep within. We do not want to die. Help us understand that our lives are but a prelude to a new life, a life with your Father.

It is so easy to live for this world.  I have my preferences and dreams of what I'd like life here on earth to look like, but getting what I want (i.e., children) doesn't get me to heaven.  I have to keep my eyes fixed on the eternal and remember that God desires my pursuit of holiness and love above all else, whether life is going according to how I want it to or not.

No news

I'm still waiting to hear the results from the MRI.  I'm not feeling very impatient about getting the results, but if a medication would be appropriate treatment, I would like to start taking it soon because I read that it can take 2 to 3 weeks for it to have an effect on prolactin levels. 

Hopefully I'll find out on Monday...  I'll post here as soon as I know anything.  :)