I Would Die For That

In true phlegmatic style, it's going to take me a few days to process my thoughts and emotions from this past weekend's infertility retreat.  I'm so glad I went.

In the meantime I wanted to share this music video for the song "I Would Die For That" by Kellie Coffey. We watched it during one of the retreat sessions.  If you haven't watched it, you need to.  If you want to help family or friends understand more about what it feels like to be IF, send them the YouTube link.

Before you press play, grab a tissue or ten.

Also, I'm asking for some prayers for tomorrow.  Dr. K wants a semen analysis with culture done to see if that will help identify any unwanted organisms that are hanging around (causing my TEBB). We are doing the collection tomorrow morning.  We have an appointment time when we are supposed to drop off the sample, so DH will be under some time constraints and lots of pressure. The sample has to reach the clinic within thirty minutes of collection, but thankfully the clinic is only five minutes away.  We did this once two years ago, and it was something I had hoped we would never have to do again, especially because DH's counts were all normal.  I understand this time it's not so much for the counts, but for the culture part.  We ordered the collection kit from PPVI with the pre-poked hole.  So I'm praying everything goes well...meaning we have something to drop off at the clinic and don't have to repeat it.

God knows your name

Once upon a time years ago I went to a seminar put on by the diocese.  I don’t remember the overall topic for the day, but there was going to be some discussion about infertility, so I decided to go. At the time of the seminar it was either a couple months before or a couple months after our wedding. (I don’t remember when exactly.)  I do know that at the time I didn’t know that we were infertile.  I thought the seminar would help me in my capacity as FCP working with infertile clients.  The seminar presenter was Jeannie Hannemann, the founder of the Elizabeth Ministry.

A little background…  The Elizabeth Ministry provides support to women during their childbearing years.  It connects women who have previously gone through difficulties such as infertility, miscarriage, death of a (born) child, bed rest during pregnancy, etc. with a woman who is currently facing the same issue.  The idea is that a woman who’s been through the same thing can best support another during her time of need.  It’s modeled after Mary’s visit to Elizabeth during the latter part of Elizabeth’s pregnancy.  Any parish can start their own Elizabeth Ministry chapter.  Growing up, my parish had a chapter.  I remember my mom would occasionally get a phone call asking her to make a meal for someone—usually a pregnant woman on bed rest—and then she’d load us up in the car and drop off the meal.  We always stayed in the car and hoped she wouldn’t talk too long.  ;)  My mom wasn’t paired up with anyone; she was a general volunteer who provided food support when needed.

Back to the seminar…  There was one talk on infertility/miscarriage.  I remember only one thing Mrs. Hannemann said.  (It was also the only note(s) I took during the talk…remember I was listening for advice on how to be more sensitive to IF clients.)  She said if you could say just one thing to a woman who’s infertile or had a miscarriage, it would be this:

“God knows your name.”

She went on to explain what she meant.  In the Bible, very few women are mentioned by name, at least in comparison to how often men are named.  That means the women who are named specifically are important.  Think of the genealogy of Jesus in the first chapter of Matthew.  Only four women are mentioned by name (technically five are cited, the fifth being “the wife of Uriah”).  It’s kind of surprising that any women are named at all since genealogies were usually based on the male line.  But the four who were named had significant roles to play, so much so that Matthew thought it was necessary to include them.

Now think of all the women you can who are named in the Bible.  Among the main ones named, how many of them dealt with infertility?  A fair number of them—a much higher proportion than you’d expect.  Mrs. Hannemann explained that this shows that God thought their lives were important and that He knew them by name…and He knows your* name too.   (*and my name and all IFers)

I’ve thought about this from time to time after we learned about our infertility.  I see it as a little love note from God as if He were saying, “See I would never forget about you.  Even if the world does, I will not forget you.”

Here are a few of the infertile women in the Bible along with excerpts and some of my thoughts.  Note that none of these was permanently infertile…each eventually gave birth to a child.  But they are still worth reflecting on nonetheless.

Sarah

Sarah was post-menopausal and childless.  I wonder if the childless part had anything to do with her being married to her half-brother…just a random thought. ;)

Genesis 15:1-6
Some time after these events, this word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: "Fear not, Abram! I am your shield; I will make your reward very great." But Abram said, "O Lord God, what good will your gifts be, if I keep on being childless and have as my heir the steward of my house, Eliezer?" Abram continued, "See, you have given me no offspring, and so one of my servants will be my heir." Then the word of the Lord came to him: "No, that one shall not be your heir; your own issue shall be your heir." He took him outside and said: "Look up at the sky and count the stars, if you can. Just so," he added, "shall your descendants be." Abram put his faith in the Lord, who credited it to him as an act of righteousness.

Abram had to put a lot of faith in the Lord because when he looked up at the sky to count the stars, it was DAYTIME.  He couldn’t see any stars, unless you count the sun.  So either he counted to zero or one...

Sarai (still had her old name) was frustrated that she was infertile, so she gave her servant to Abram as a concubine.  (I’m so glad we don’t do this anymore.) The servant became pregnant and had a son named Ishmael.  Then God appeared to Abram, made a covenant with him complete with name changes, and promised him that his wife would bear a son.  Abraham laughed.  Later he had some heavenly visitors.

Genesis 18:10-15
One of them said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah will then have a son." Sarah was listening at the entrance of the tent, just behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in years, and Sarah had stopped having her womanly periods. So Sarah laughed to herself and said, "Now that I am so withered and my husband is so old, am I still to have sexual pleasure?" But the Lord said to Abraham: "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Shall I really bear a child, old as I am?' Is anything too marvelous for the Lord to do? At the appointed time, about this time next year, I will return to you, and Sarah will have a son." Because she was afraid, Sarah dissembled, saying, "I didn't laugh." But he said, "Yes you did."

I would have laughed too, if I were her.  :)

Genesis 21:1-7
The Lord took note of Sarah as he had said he would; he did for her as he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time that God had stated. Abraham gave the name Isaac to this son of his whom Sarah bore him. When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God had commanded. Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him. Sarah then said, "God has given me cause to laugh, and all who hear of it will laugh with me. Who would have told Abraham," she added, "that Sarah would nurse children! Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."

Rebekah

Genesis 25:20-21
Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah, the daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Paddan-aram and the sister of Laban the Aramean.  Isaac entreated the Lord on behalf of his wife, since she was sterile. The Lord heard his entreaty, and Rebekah became pregnant.

The husband prayed, and the wife ended up pregnant with twins.  Too bad that’s not a common precedent…although it did take 20 years for God to answer the prayer.  ;)

Rachel

Jacob fell in love with Rachel and asked her father (aka Uncle Laban) if he could marry her.  Laban agreed, but only after Jacob served him for seven years.  After the seven years, Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah, Rachel’s older sister.  (sounds like some shady undertakings…Laban sneaked Leah into Jacob’s tent when it was dark)  Laban claimed it wasn’t their custom to marry off the younger sibling before the older one.  Laban promised Jacob he could marry Rachel after an additional seven years of service.  Jacob agreed, but I bet he was really mad.  Finally he married Rachel.  Was it happy ever after?  No.  Leah was superfertile, and Rachel was infertile.  Leah wasn’t happy either because she knew Jacob loved Rachel more than her.

Genesis 30:1-2
When Rachel saw that she failed to bear children to Jacob, she became envious of her sister. She said to Jacob, "Give me children or I shall die!" In anger Jacob retorted, "Can I take the place of God, who has denied you the fruit of the womb?"

Rachel gave her maidservant to Jacob to impregnate in place of her.  Rachel counted the two maidservant’s sons as her own.  (I’m not sure this really cured her infertility, but it seemed to satisfy her...)  Then Leah experienced a little secondary infertility, so she did the same with her maidservant, who had two sons.  Leah did conceive again three times, and she attributed the return of her fertility to the fact that she let her maidservant sleep with Jacob.  (strange logic…)

Genesis 30:22-24
Then God remembered Rachel; he heard her prayer and made her fruitful. She conceived and bore a son, and she said, "God has removed my disgrace." So she named him Joseph, meaning, "May the Lord add another son to this one for me!"

Rachel was not afraid to ask a lot from God; she gave birth to a baby and immediately asked God for another one.  She did become pregnant again, but died during childbirth.

Hannah

1 Samuel 1:2,4-6
[Elkanah] had two wives, one named Hannah, the other Peninnah; Peninnah had children, but Hannah was childless.  . . .  When the day came for Elkanah to offer sacrifice, he used to give a portion each to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters, but a double portion to Hannah because he loved her, though the Lord had made her barren. Her rival, to upset her, turned it into a constant reproach to her that the Lord had left her barren.

Can you imagine that?  Constantly ridiculed by your husband’s other wife because you’re infertile.  Talk about miserable.

1 Samuel 1:7-8
This went on year after year; each time they made their pilgrimage to the sanctuary of the Lord, Peninnah would approach her, and Hannah would weep and refuse to eat. Her husband Elkanah used to ask her: "Hannah, why do you weep, and why do you refuse to eat? Why do you grieve? Am I not more to you than ten sons?"

I like Elkanah.  That last line sounds like something DH would say to me.  :)

1 Samuel 1:9-16
Hannah rose after one such meal at Shiloh, and presented herself before the Lord; at the time, Eli the priest was sitting on a chair near the doorpost of the Lord’s temple. In her bitterness she prayed to the Lord, weeping copiously, and she made a vow, promising: "O Lord of hosts, if you look with pity on the misery of your handmaid, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the Lord for as long as he lives; neither wine nor liquor shall he drink, and no razor shall ever touch his head." As she remained long at prayer before the Lord, Eli watched her mouth, for Hannah was praying silently; though her lips were moving, her voice could not be heard. Eli, thinking her drunk, said to her, "How long will you make a drunken show of yourself? Sober up from your wine!"  "It isn't that, my lord," Hannah answered. "I am an unhappy woman. I have had neither wine nor liquor; I was only pouring out my troubles to the Lord. Do not think your handmaid a ne'er-do-well; my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery."

Drunk woman or just sad woman who is praying?  I know I would confuse the two also.  Common mistake.  ;)

1 Samuel 1:19-20
When Elkanah had relations with his wife Hannah, the Lord remembered her.  She conceived, and at the end of her term bore a son whom she called Samuel, since she had asked the Lord for him.

Elizabeth

Luke 1:5-7
In the days of Herod, King of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah of the priestly division of Abijah; his wife was from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. Both were righteous in the eyes of God, observing all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blamelessly. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren and both were advanced in years.

Note how they’re described as righteous…a great example for us childless couples.

Luke 1:12-20
Zechariah was troubled by what he saw, and fear came upon him. But the angel said to him, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, because your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall name him John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the sight of (the) Lord. He will drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will be filled with the holy Spirit even from his mother's womb, and he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God. He will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah to turn the hearts of fathers toward children and the disobedient to the understanding of the righteous, to prepare a people fit for the Lord." Then Zechariah said to the angel, "How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is advanced in years." And the angel said to him in reply, "I am Gabriel, who stand before God. I was sent to speak to you and to announce to you this good news. But now you will be speechless and unable to talk until the day these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled at their proper time."

Gabriel either was having a bad day or needs to lighten up.  When God told Abraham that Sarah would conceive, he laughed and asked how it could be possible…and God didn’t strike him mute.  :)

Luke 1:24-25
After this time his wife Elizabeth conceived, and she went into seclusion for five months, saying, "So has the Lord done for me at a time when he has seen fit to take away my disgrace before others."

Disgrace before others…yeah, I can relate to that.  It was probably worse for Elizabeth, but there are definitely parallels today.

Meltdown

It was the adult version of toddler behavior. It was not pretty. If there had been stomping of the feet, I would have called it a tantrum. Just in case I ever gave the impression that I have this IF thing under control, the following episode should burst that little bubble.

It started off like any other normal day. I was in a good mood. “Fertility” had begun the day before. (I put it in quotes because my body has yet to prove it’s fertile when my chart says it should be fertile.) ;) We were off to a good start for the cycle, TTC-wise. There were plans to continue the TTC efforts at bedtime.

But first, we were meeting up with some acquaintances in the evening. One of the attendees was pregnant. It’s very early in her pregnancy, and she hasn’t told everyone (my DH doesn’t know), but I know she has told a lot of people. She’s a sweet girl. She doesn’t know about our IF, but she’s never said anything remotely insensitive or even asked why we don’t have kids. She has never been anything except super nice to me. But seeing her now reminds me that there’s a thorn in my side. I see her about every week or so. (Up until now I've been pretty much isolated from encounters with pregnant women or women with babies on a regular basis, other than seeing them occasionally--and from a distance--at Mass or at the mall.) Now all I can think of when I see her is some variation of, “She’s pregnant. We’re IF. IF hurts.” I’m trying not to be envious, but usually there’s at least a healthy dose of jealousy when I see her. (Envy=sorrow at another’s good or wishing another didn’t have her good; jealousy=I wish I had that particular good. Big difference.)

Anyway, I didn’t talk with her much that night, but just sitting near her really started to stir up some ugly feelings. I could feel the tension and anger building up inside me. At the end of the evening DH and I walked back to the car. The minute we shut the car doors, I exploded.

Normally I have some sort of filter for my brain, but not then. I said every single negative thing I was thinking. Most of it amounted to "It's not fair that we have such a heavy cross (IF and DH's lack of job)." I tried to ignore the small voice of reason in my head that countered each and every negative thing I said. I know it's really not a good idea to compare crosses, but I did anyway. I named a few things that would be worse than IF and declared that everyone who didn't have to face those things had a much easier life than us and it wasn't fair. DH tried to tell me that we don't know what hidden crosses others face or what difficult suffering might lie in their future, but I wouldn't hear any of it. It's not like God (in His permissive will) makes sure everyone gets equal doses of suffering; it's quite obvious to me some people get more than their "fair share."

I was angry and half crying. It was all because I hate infertility, and it hurts so much. It really had nothing to do with the pregnant girl. She was (figuratively) in the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess anything could have set me off? I was surprised that I went from 0 to 60 on the anger scale so quickly given that I should be ovulating soon. This reaction would be more understandable and expected during PMS time, but near the beginning of the mucus cycle?

By the time we got home, I had run out of angry rant and just sobbed on DH's shoulder...half the tears were because IF is so painful and the other half were because I felt awful for my angry outburst...embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed in myself, etc. Needless to say, all this ruined any TTC attempts for the rest of the evening. DH is on his way to sainthood based on how he handled my meltdown. I know as his wife I'm supposed to be helping him get to heaven, but I'm not sure this type of behavior (on my part) is the ideal way to get him there... ;)

I hope this doesn’t turn into a PTSD-esque reaction. 1. See pregnant woman acquaintance. 2. Feel emotions begin to boil while in the same room. 3. Enter into a fit of rage after having the privacy of the car.

Of course things looked much brighter in the morning, and I couldn't figure out why I overreacted so much. I'm really looking forward to the infertility retreat this weekend that Rebecca is organizing. It really couldn't come at a better time. A fresh perspective on infertility, fellowship with others carrying the same cross, and some sacramental grace are just what I need.