I just can't take it anymore

(Don't worry.  I'm fine.  You'll see where the post title comes in shortly.)

I've been having a rough week, feeling more discouraged than usual about our chances of conceiving.  It hasn't been sadness or depression, more like feeling out of sorts.  It probably didn't help that in the past couple weeks there have been two pregnancy announcements and a birth among my fertile acquaintances IRL.

Then one evening I glanced at the pile of mail DH had opened.  On top was a book.  This book:

It was sent out as a mass mailing.  I stared at the book and smiled.  God knew that I needed this book so much right now.  The timing seriously could not have been more perfect.  There was a letter included with the book, and this sentence stood out to me:

"But no matter how well we transform life's challenges into grace-filled moments, the fact remains that there is no escaping pain and suffering in this life."

I've been thinking about that a lot lately—that no matter how much we offer up our suffering, especially IF-related suffering, for others carrying the same cross or for an end to abortion or for any intention, and no matter how much we reflect on how much God loves us or the spiritual lessons we have learned from IF that can help us grow in holiness, the pain is still there.  So we all need encouragement from time to time, and this book definitely provided some for me.

Each page of the book has one sentence and a cute or funny photograph.  (Almost half of the pictures are babies, but I tried not to let that distract me from the words.)

Here are some excerpts:

"Sometimes I just don't understand life.  I've heard that God only gives you what you can handle.  But if that's true, He must have me confused with somebody else. . .because I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

. . .

I wonder...  Is God trying to test me?  Because if He is, it would be nice if He could make the tests a little bit easier.  

Is he trying to cure me of some problem I have?  Because if He is, I wish the medicine He's giving me wasn't so hard to swallow.

Is it that we're all connected somehow and God wants to use my pain to help others who are hurting?  Because right now I could sure use some TLC myself!

. . .

But then again, maybe God has something else is mind.  Maybe there's a bigger plan I can't see.

. . .

In fact, I seem to remember that God went through some pretty tough times too—maybe even worse than mine.  But somehow, some way, He was able to come through everything okay and transform even the most terrible suffering into the happiest ending.  If He can do THAT, then maybe He's got something special planned for me too.

. . .

So I guess the best thing for me to do is try not to despair...or be too grumpy...or get too worried about things I can't change. . .

. . .[and] try to find a couple of good friends** to confide in and maybe even lend a hand (because no one can bear the burden of life's troubles alone), and have a little faith that the One who made the universe and set the stars and planets in motion can help me figure a way to get through all my problems—no matter how overwhelming they may seem now.

If only I put my trust in Him..."

I know the language is simple, and I've heard all the sentiments before, but sometimes I think I need to be told the simple truths over and over again.  Maybe after enough repetitions it will actually sink in.  :)


**or many friends in the IF blogland :)

A year since surgery

The end of last cycle was stressful! AF was nearly two days "late," and I was *this close* (picture my fingers here) to P+17 and taking a (blood) pregnancy test. Normally AF shows up on schedule and starts while I'm sleeping or first thing in the morning when I get up, so there's no time to be anxious or hopeful. This time AF waited until bedtime on P+16. Not cool, AF. Not cool. Rather cruel, if you ask me. Surviving those last days before AF comes has got to shorten time in purgatory, right? hahaha Okay, perhaps not since I could have practiced the virtue of patience, and then maybe I wouldn't have felt like I was being tortured with the suspense and waiting. ;)

This is our first cycle with Clomid. I didn't notice any side effects except maybe some blurry vision for a day or two. It could have been completely unrelated though. Since Clomid has anti-estrogen properties, it can dry up cervical mucus which is important for TTC. The nurse told me to take 1200mg of Mucinex (guaifenesin only) twice a day from day 12 to P+2 to improve my mucus while on Clomid. I'm also taking sustained-release B6 for the same purpose. I had some really great mucus the day before I started the Mucinex—actually the best mucus I've seen in a year—so I thought maybe the Clomid wasn't going to affect my mucus at all. Unfortunately, the days following that were pretty pathetic mucus-wise. So...yeah, my mucus definitely took a beating this cycle.

Normally I get excited about new treatments. I was even reading in the big NaPro textbook and came to the conclusion that Clomid was a very reasonable choice for my case. But I don't feel as hopeful this cycle as I have during past cycles on a new med. I think a lot has to do with the fact that the TEBB is still front and center on my chart; I had seven days of it this cycle. I don't know how long it takes for the Cortef to work if it's going to affect the TEBB. Maybe it takes longer than three weeks to work? Here's hoping that is the case.

It also could be that I'm getting more discouraged in general about our chances of conceiving. It's been over a year now since my laparoscopy. I honestly never thought I'd still not be pregnant a year after surgery. Yet, here I am. I know with NaPro they look at your time TTC in terms of "effective cycles" (normal-looking cycles following surgery) but with all my TEBB I'm not sure I have technically had any effective cycles. I'm probably still in treatment adjustment phase. I suppose that means I should be more hopeful than I am, but it's hard because so much time has passed, and we're still trying to figure out how to fix my body. I've been offering up all the frustrations and disappointment for my prayer buddy.

The other slightly discouraging thing is that my P+7 estrogen from last cycle was low. It was 9, and it should be >12. And that was while taking HCG. Yikes. It has never been that low before. Come on, body-of-mine, I really don't need any new problems here! I guess that's something the Clomid could improve though.

I know there are limits as to how long you can take Clomid, so I hope I'm not wasting Clomid cycles while I still have TEBB. I suppose I have heard of people conceiving while having TEBB (feel free to share those kind of stories with me in the comments...haha), but I'm not sure it's the norm. Everything I learned during FCP training was that TEBB is abnormal and has to be eliminated.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier to exchange my uterus for another one than to fix what's wrong with the one I've got.  ;)

If only my uterus (and whole reproductive system) were as happy and cooperative as this one looks:

I bet this ovary works fine on it's own and doesn't need Clomid.

Source

(I'm not sure who buys plush organs—maybe anatomy teachers or doctors' offices—but they sure are cute.)

If there is a bright side to CD1...

(and that's a big "if")

...it is this:

chardonnay

and

peppermint vanilla mocha

(made with steamed vanilla almond milk and a candy cane)

End-of-the-cycle limbo

You know how when you get to the end of your cycle, especially the day your period is due because it came that day for the past five cycles like clockwork, and you just wish AF would hurry up and start already so you can get it over with?  But there's a tiny irrational voice in your head that says there could be a glimmer of hope because, well, just because. It's irrational so it doesn't need to provide a reason. "Just because" is perfectly legitimate.  But you suppress that voice because you have zero early pregnancy symptoms, and you just KNOW that AF is coming because it always came before, and no amount of hoping this late in the game is going to mean a baby is growing in your uterus.  And you think there's really nothing different or special about this cycle except for about two weeks' worth of the new drug Cortef but that couldn't possibly have an effect yet, and you note the eight days of TEBB this cycle would preclude any chance of pregnancy because normal charts don't have TEBB, let alone eight days of it. But then you look back on the past couple days and realize you maybe were more tired than usual, so the hopeful voice says, "See?  I'm not so irrational." But you explain the fatigue away because you didn't get a good night's sleep or two.  And every time you go to the bathroom—which is more often than usual because you make excuses that you need to go again even though it's only been an hour since last time—you tell yourself, "There will be red," but then stare in disbelief at the white toilet paper as if your mind is playing tricks on you, because how could it possibly still be white this late in the day?  And you try to go back to your normal daily activities, all the while wondering if this could be THE cycle, but with the constant thought, "I'mnotgonnathinkaboutit.  I'mnotgonnathinkaboutit."  And you sigh because even if AF doesn't come today, you're going to feel the exact same way tomorrow—only with stronger feelings:  more impatience with AF's delay and simultaneously more hope.  And because you took HCG this cycle, nothing can be known definitively for 2-3 more days, which might as well be an eternity.  So you are doomed to this mental state until such time as AF decides to show up so you can start crying your eyes out...or until the mythical day comes when you could take your first ever pregnancy test (blood test, of course, due to the HCG).

That's where I'm at.

St. Perpetua and St. Felicity, pray for us!

(I thought maybe by posting this it would make AF come, similar to the phenomenon that some IFers experience in that taking a HPT speeds up AF's arrival time.)

UPDATE:  AF is here.