I almost wish I would have tested

Does IF ever make you feel like you want to crawl in bed, bury your head under your pillow, and not come out?  That's kind of how I've been feeling lately, hence the lack of posting around here.  Maybe it's an introvert thing or an attempt to hide from my problems.

DH had ample opportunity to think
this while I was PMSing...

A few weeks ago I wrote about the previous cycle where I experienced some unique symptoms in the 2WW which had me convinced I was pregnant when in fact I was not.   So I vowed the next cycle I would try to ignore everything in the 2WW until I hit P+17, the day I could theoretically take a pregnancy test (via blood test).  When that next 2WW arrived, my plan was going well because I didn't have anything that mimicked pregnancy symptoms.  Great.  :)  I did however have some of the worst PMS DH has ever seen, the kind which includes the Mrs. Hyde-esque if-you-disagree-with-polkadot-you're-wrong-so-prepare-to-face-her-hormonal-wrath" attitude. Why?  I only had enough HCG for one day's shot, which I took on P+4. I tried to order my refill three weeks before I needed it, but the pharmacy said it was on back order. They didn't call me to say they had a new supply in until P+13, but by then it was too late. I survived (and so did DH) but it wasn't pretty.

So there were no fake pregnancy symptoms.  Then I had brown spotting on P+12, and it lasted five days.  That was new for me.  I have never ever had that many days of spotting before AF, and I have only had a 16-day post-peak phase twice since starting TTC five years ago.  So where does my mind go?  That I must be pregnant. Or (far more likely) my progesterone is close to zero since I didn't take all my HCG.  I tried really hard to assume it was low progesterone.  As it turns out, it was neither, but that's a story for another paragraph.

Since my doctor was not going to be available on P+17, I thought I should ask for the necessary blood draw requisition form ahead of time.  I had the e-mail to Dr. K's nurse all typed up right before bedtime on P+15 (figuring they would send it on P+16 so I'd have it ready for P+17).  I hovered my mouse over the "send" button, but didn't click.  I had this feeling like it was a waste.  I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf and got their hopes up.  I closed the e-mail and left it in my drafts folder.  (It has since been deleted.)

On what would have been P+17, AF showed up for real.  It was definitely AF because it was moderate flow. The next two days I had light flow, and it tapered off from there.  I've never ever had that light of a period before. Usually I have at least two moderate or heavy days, not one.  I thought it was strange but was just planning to move on until I was doing a little light Fac.ebook reading.   One girl commented that her NaPro doctor considered early miscarriage to be a possibility whenever AF is unusual in any way for a couple TTC.  She also mentioned having a post-peak phase even just one day longer than usual adds to the suspicion.

Both of those were true for me...

I lost it. The tears were instantaneous.  The thought that I had possibly conceived and miscarried was totally overwhelming.  In the moment, I prayed something like, "Baby, if you exist in heaven, pray for me."  Of course it can never be proven one way or another so I won't know this side of heaven.  At that moment I started wishing I had taken a home pregnancy test.   I admit, the thought did cross my mind by the fourth day of spotting (P+15).  I figured that the HCG from P+4 would have been out of my system by then, so it actually may have been accurate (and not a false positive caused by the HCG injection).  If I'm being honest though, I'm not sure I would have truly believed whatever the result of the home pregnancy test would have been (either way), so maybe it's better that I didn't test.  Until proven otherwise, I go forward assuming that I have never conceived.

I thought Dr. K's cycle review might shed some light on things. It was definitely not what I expected.  My P+7 estradiol and progesterone values were above normal like they've been since eliminating the TEBB months ago.  In fact, my estradiol was higher than last cycle when I took all of my HCG on schedule.  I was scratching my head because I only took one dose of HCG this cycle and I had five days of premenstrual spotting.  But there was no way my progesterone could have gone from above 50 (normal P+7 is >13) to under 10 in just a few days (to cause the premenstrual spotting).  Dr. K's thought was that the premenstrual spotting was due to inflammation and is having me increase the turmeric from 2 times a day to 3 times a day.  I have never heard that premenstrual spotting could be caused by inflammation, but I guess you learn something new everyday in the NaPro world.

Dr. K also wants to repeat a semen analysis with culture.  That came as a shock and a disappointment.  I guess it has been 14 months since we did the culture that identified the bug we've been fighting since then.  I wonder if she thinks we have a new bug?  DH's sperm counts have always been normal.  I knew DH would not be thrilled to hear this, and he wasn't.  Last year's drama requiring two attempts just to get the culture done was no fun.  I decided to let his reaction guide what we would do next.  If he was not willing to repeat the test, we wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't ask again.  He was upset when I told him about it, but he didn't refuse it outright.  Perhaps part of that reason is that there is no lab within 60 minutes from here that is capable of doing a semen culture (and I don't even know if the nearest big city an hour away has a lab that could do it); the lab that successfully did the culture last year is in the city where my parents live, a plane ride away.  We're not visiting them again until Christmas, so that is the earliest we could do the test, giving DH some time to consider it.  He seems willing, which surprises me a bit, since we'd have to do the collection at my parents' house again.  We'll see how he feels as Christmas gets closer.

Given what happened this new cycle, I think the culture could prove to be very informative.  My TEBB returned.  Four days of it.  :(  (Dr. K doesn't know this yet.)  In the cycle review about a month ago, I had asked if we could take a break from the antibiotics that DH and I have been on the first 10 days of each cycle to see if it was the turmeric (and lemon water) that was responsible for eliminating the TEBB.  Dr. K was out of the office, so one of the fellows responded and said it was fine to skip a month.  Because I don't get the results of the cycle review until after CD1, I couldn't implement this until a month later (this cycle).  So we didn't take the antibiotics this cycle, and the TEBB returned.

I'm wondering if this is some sort of coincidence that the lack of antibiotics has nothing to do with TEBB's reappearance.  The first month we took the antibiotics:  no TEBB.  The second and subsequent months:  TEBB increased little by little.  When we added the turmeric (and lemon water and bromocriptine, if I'm listing everything) to the antibiotics:  no TEBB for five cycles.  Now turmeric et al. without antibiotics:  TEBB in full force.  The math just doesn't make sense, so I wonder if the TEBB was going to return this cycle regardless of antibiotic use...OR there's some synergistic effect going on that the antibiotics work together with turmeric et al. to prevent TEBB.  I'm really curious what is going to happen next cycle (and clearly there will be a "next cycle" because I have some raging infection/inflammation going on) when we add back the antibiotics.

There's never a dull day around here.  :P

Prayers about IF, miscarriage, and pregnancy

A friend of mind showed me this prayer book (more like a little booklet) that she had.  She thought I would appreciate the prayer about infertility.  When I paged through the book, I found several prayers that others might be interested in.  They might not appeal to everyone though.

-Prayer to Conceive
-Prayer after a Miscarriage
-Prayer at the Death of a Child
-Prayer to a Child in Heaven
-Miscarriage Prayer (Mother Angelica)

There were two about pregnancy that could also be for those anticipating adoption.  I didn't include them in this post, but if you click on the two titles, it will take you to a separate page with the full text of the prayers.
-Prayer for an Unborn Child
-Thanksgiving for Conceiving

This one has been floating around online. I don't know
who wrote it, but I gave it a pretty background. :)

Prayer to Conceive

Dear Mother Mary, you received from God the treasured blessing of divine motherhood.  In the name of the joys you knew when you pressed your beloved Baby to your breast, please hear and bless my petition!  You are the Mother of Mothers and you hold Motherhood very dear.  You know the great and real dignity of motherhood.  You know the great privilege of bringing into this world a new soul destined to praise God forever in heaven.  Dear Mother, I ask that through your intercession God would grant to me and my husband the grace to conceive a child.

Heavenly Father, for You all things are possible.  In Your Word You tell us: "Children too are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, His reward." -Psalm 127:3

O Father, I trust in You and in Your unconditional love for us.  I believe that You will hear my prayer, offered through the intercession of your Mother Mary.  I believe that you You will answer me according to Your Divine Will, for You have promised to give us the desires of our heart as we delight in You.  O Lord, increase in us always the presence and power of Your Divine Life.  Thank You for Your mercy, grace, peace, and provision.  In Jesus's name.  Amen.

Mother of mothers, pray for us!


Prayer after a Miscarriage

Dear Mother Mary, I come before you today with a heavy heart.  I have lost the beautiful child from within my womb, the child God gave me.  I do not want to accept this, yet I bring my sorrow to you, O Mother of Sorrows, because you understand.  I am filled with a deep sadness, O Mary, and I cry sometimes silently for this my beloved little one, now with you.  O Mary, I feel so alone, although my family and friends do their best to comfort me.  Still, I trust God, even when I don't understand.

O heavenly Father, You know what is best for us always.  Perhaps my child would have suffered greatly in life, or wasn't ready yet to come into the world.  I ask you, dear God, to please send Your mercy on all parents who are experiencing the loss and pain of a miscarriage and console them with the sure certainty that they will see their little treasure again.

I admit I feel some fear for the future, an apprehension that this could happen again.  Nevertheless, O Lord, I put my trust in You.  You are the God who heals me; You are the Good Shepherd who will neither leave me nor forsake me, so I am at peace.  Please kiss my little angel, and tell my child I yearn for the day we will be together again, with You, in the Kingdom of heaven.

O Lord, grant my husband and me the grace according to Your Will to conceive again.  Help us continue to make our home a welcoming place for all life.

Jesus, Comforter of all who mourn, we put our trust in You.  Amen.


Prayer at the Death of a Child

O most sorrowful Mother, my child is gone, and what can I say?  I feel so lonely, so sad; I miss my child so very much.  O dear Mother, I just want to run into your arms and your consoling embrace.  I need the comfort of your sorrowful heart.  I have lost my child, the light of my eyes, just as you lost your Son, Jesus, when He died on the cross for us.

O Mary, I don't understand why God has allowed this sorrow to come into my life.  However, I trust Him as my loving Father Who knows what is best for me.  O Mother Mary, help me put all my trust in Him.  Please take my child now under your mantle, and hold him/her close to your heart.  Please pray that God will give my family and me His grace and strength to carry on.  May I, like you, O Mother, be faithful to the end.  Amen.


Prayer to a Child in Heaven

My dear (name), you are no longer with us here on earth.  I miss you very much, and I long to see you.  Still, my faith tells me you are now with Jesus, Mother Mary, St. Joseph, and all the angels and saints.  It is hard for me understand why you were taken from my arms, but you can never be taken from my heart.  I love you and I will love you forever, until time is no more.

I find a certain peace in knowing I had a part in bringing you this great joy, the joy of heaven.  I also find strength in my hope to be someday reunited with you, never to be parted again.  Please pray for me, my dear child, that I may be faithful to my duties here below and thereby come to hold you again in my waiting arms in heaven.  Amen.

From Mothers' Manual by Bart Tesoriero

Miscarriage Prayer by Mother M. Angelica  (source)

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.