I almost wish I would have tested

Does IF ever make you feel like you want to crawl in bed, bury your head under your pillow, and not come out?  That's kind of how I've been feeling lately, hence the lack of posting around here.  Maybe it's an introvert thing or an attempt to hide from my problems.

DH had ample opportunity to think
this while I was PMSing...

A few weeks ago I wrote about the previous cycle where I experienced some unique symptoms in the 2WW which had me convinced I was pregnant when in fact I was not.   So I vowed the next cycle I would try to ignore everything in the 2WW until I hit P+17, the day I could theoretically take a pregnancy test (via blood test).  When that next 2WW arrived, my plan was going well because I didn't have anything that mimicked pregnancy symptoms.  Great.  :)  I did however have some of the worst PMS DH has ever seen, the kind which includes the Mrs. Hyde-esque if-you-disagree-with-polkadot-you're-wrong-so-prepare-to-face-her-hormonal-wrath" attitude. Why?  I only had enough HCG for one day's shot, which I took on P+4. I tried to order my refill three weeks before I needed it, but the pharmacy said it was on back order. They didn't call me to say they had a new supply in until P+13, but by then it was too late. I survived (and so did DH) but it wasn't pretty.

So there were no fake pregnancy symptoms.  Then I had brown spotting on P+12, and it lasted five days.  That was new for me.  I have never ever had that many days of spotting before AF, and I have only had a 16-day post-peak phase twice since starting TTC five years ago.  So where does my mind go?  That I must be pregnant. Or (far more likely) my progesterone is close to zero since I didn't take all my HCG.  I tried really hard to assume it was low progesterone.  As it turns out, it was neither, but that's a story for another paragraph.

Since my doctor was not going to be available on P+17, I thought I should ask for the necessary blood draw requisition form ahead of time.  I had the e-mail to Dr. K's nurse all typed up right before bedtime on P+15 (figuring they would send it on P+16 so I'd have it ready for P+17).  I hovered my mouse over the "send" button, but didn't click.  I had this feeling like it was a waste.  I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf and got their hopes up.  I closed the e-mail and left it in my drafts folder.  (It has since been deleted.)

On what would have been P+17, AF showed up for real.  It was definitely AF because it was moderate flow. The next two days I had light flow, and it tapered off from there.  I've never ever had that light of a period before. Usually I have at least two moderate or heavy days, not one.  I thought it was strange but was just planning to move on until I was doing a little light Fac.ebook reading.   One girl commented that her NaPro doctor considered early miscarriage to be a possibility whenever AF is unusual in any way for a couple TTC.  She also mentioned having a post-peak phase even just one day longer than usual adds to the suspicion.

Both of those were true for me...

I lost it. The tears were instantaneous.  The thought that I had possibly conceived and miscarried was totally overwhelming.  In the moment, I prayed something like, "Baby, if you exist in heaven, pray for me."  Of course it can never be proven one way or another so I won't know this side of heaven.  At that moment I started wishing I had taken a home pregnancy test.   I admit, the thought did cross my mind by the fourth day of spotting (P+15).  I figured that the HCG from P+4 would have been out of my system by then, so it actually may have been accurate (and not a false positive caused by the HCG injection).  If I'm being honest though, I'm not sure I would have truly believed whatever the result of the home pregnancy test would have been (either way), so maybe it's better that I didn't test.  Until proven otherwise, I go forward assuming that I have never conceived.

I thought Dr. K's cycle review might shed some light on things. It was definitely not what I expected.  My P+7 estradiol and progesterone values were above normal like they've been since eliminating the TEBB months ago.  In fact, my estradiol was higher than last cycle when I took all of my HCG on schedule.  I was scratching my head because I only took one dose of HCG this cycle and I had five days of premenstrual spotting.  But there was no way my progesterone could have gone from above 50 (normal P+7 is >13) to under 10 in just a few days (to cause the premenstrual spotting).  Dr. K's thought was that the premenstrual spotting was due to inflammation and is having me increase the turmeric from 2 times a day to 3 times a day.  I have never heard that premenstrual spotting could be caused by inflammation, but I guess you learn something new everyday in the NaPro world.

Dr. K also wants to repeat a semen analysis with culture.  That came as a shock and a disappointment.  I guess it has been 14 months since we did the culture that identified the bug we've been fighting since then.  I wonder if she thinks we have a new bug?  DH's sperm counts have always been normal.  I knew DH would not be thrilled to hear this, and he wasn't.  Last year's drama requiring two attempts just to get the culture done was no fun.  I decided to let his reaction guide what we would do next.  If he was not willing to repeat the test, we wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't ask again.  He was upset when I told him about it, but he didn't refuse it outright.  Perhaps part of that reason is that there is no lab within 60 minutes from here that is capable of doing a semen culture (and I don't even know if the nearest big city an hour away has a lab that could do it); the lab that successfully did the culture last year is in the city where my parents live, a plane ride away.  We're not visiting them again until Christmas, so that is the earliest we could do the test, giving DH some time to consider it.  He seems willing, which surprises me a bit, since we'd have to do the collection at my parents' house again.  We'll see how he feels as Christmas gets closer.

Given what happened this new cycle, I think the culture could prove to be very informative.  My TEBB returned.  Four days of it.  :(  (Dr. K doesn't know this yet.)  In the cycle review about a month ago, I had asked if we could take a break from the antibiotics that DH and I have been on the first 10 days of each cycle to see if it was the turmeric (and lemon water) that was responsible for eliminating the TEBB.  Dr. K was out of the office, so one of the fellows responded and said it was fine to skip a month.  Because I don't get the results of the cycle review until after CD1, I couldn't implement this until a month later (this cycle).  So we didn't take the antibiotics this cycle, and the TEBB returned.

I'm wondering if this is some sort of coincidence that the lack of antibiotics has nothing to do with TEBB's reappearance.  The first month we took the antibiotics:  no TEBB.  The second and subsequent months:  TEBB increased little by little.  When we added the turmeric (and lemon water and bromocriptine, if I'm listing everything) to the antibiotics:  no TEBB for five cycles.  Now turmeric et al. without antibiotics:  TEBB in full force.  The math just doesn't make sense, so I wonder if the TEBB was going to return this cycle regardless of antibiotic use...OR there's some synergistic effect going on that the antibiotics work together with turmeric et al. to prevent TEBB.  I'm really curious what is going to happen next cycle (and clearly there will be a "next cycle" because I have some raging infection/inflammation going on) when we add back the antibiotics.

There's never a dull day around here.  :P

More recovery and culture results

The doctor wasn't kidding when she said it would be a two-week recovery. I am trying to keep that in mind. It's tough though because I have periods where I feel back to normal and then when the pain returns or I can't move a certain way or I still have to walk really slowly I'm surprised by it (when I shouldn't be surprised...because it hasn't been two weeks yet). I guess they are good reminders to continue to take it easy. :)

Little improvements toward normal make me happy. I am able to put on socks (creatively) without pain and without bending forward. My urge to urinate finally returned yesterday, 11 days after surgery. There was much rejoicing. I don't remember other people talking about that post-surgery so I thought I'd mention it. It feels very strange to lose that function and have to remember every few hours to go to the bathroom.

I am still taking prescription strength ibuprofen on a schedule, although I've stopped setting an alarm to take the middle-of-the-night dose. I take the opioid as needed--especially for when I go out in public. I went out to run errands with DH on Saturday, and it was so nice to have a change of scenery, although by the end I was ready to use one of those motorized scooters. :) I went to Mass on Sunday and was able to sit, stand, and kneel along with everyone else, although more slowly. I couldn't genuflect though. The priest who gave me the Anointing of the Sick asked me how I was doing after Mass; it was nice that he remembered. It was my first Mass since surgery. I was able to watch Mass online while I was not feeling so great, including Pope Benedict's last public Mass on Ash Wednesday. It was bittersweet. I'm going to miss him. :(

DH is doing a great job taking care of me. Acting as a nurse does not come naturally to him, so I am really thankful for all he has done. He has told me multiple times that if it were him having surgery, he would just want to be left alone as much as possible, so I know this is requiring a lot of extra patience from him. He does like to feel helpful though so I think he was a little disappointed when I no longer needed him when getting out of bed or up from the reclining chair. ;)

The bad part about recovery now is that I am post-peak and PMSing. (Apparently major surgery isn't enough stress for my body to have a double peak or even a delay...) When you're taking opioids, you can't take naltrexone because they cancel each other out. The surgeon asked me to discontinue the naltrexone a week before surgery to make sure the anesthesia worked properly, so I've been off of it for almost three weeks. I am currently alternating between extreme crabbiness and crying. I can take HCG tonight so that should help some, whenever it kicks in.

The surgeon sent me a big packet of papers (everything that she faxed to Dr. K at PPVI) with most of my surgery results, including op report, pathology report, and all culture results to date. Very interesting reading. :) The fungus results won't be finalized for a month, unless they are positive, which means they would be ready sooner. They let it sit for a month before declaring that there is no fungus.

The part I was excited about was the bacterial culture results. They were positive! It's not normally something to be excited about but it's something to try to treat that might be a factor in our IF. (I'd rather know what's wrong and have the doctor try to fix it than have everything come out normal and have no where to start with treatment ideas...not that my preferences have any weight or influence of course.) ;) Anyway, I had lactobacillus and multiple Gram positive rods (specific anaerobic bacteria were not listed). I wonder how many antibiotics it's going to take to wipe out these bugs. Given how many antibiotics I've been on in the past few years, I might have some pretty tough (resistant) bacteria living in my uterus. Bacteria, your days are numbered!! :)

What happens when you forget HCG

This:

I saw this on the back of a car driving around town one day.

Over Thanksgiving I forgot to bring my HCG along.  I was gone during the days of my cycle when I usually take HCG.  PMS ensued.  Add in Thanksgiving traffic that moved at a glacial pace and me driving.  It was not pretty.   DH tried to defuse my mood.  It didn't work.  Poor DH.  I definitely helped with his sanctification that day.

HCG will be the first thing I pack for Christmas vacation.  :)

Goodbye PMS, hello desperation

I didn’t have PMS this cycle!!  Praise God!!  DH thinks I’m a completely different person.  The naltrexone (32 mg/day) not only got rid of the ugly mood symptoms I used to have consistently post-peak (irritability, anger, depression, etc.) but it actually made my mood better than a normal non-PMS day.  It’s like a weight has been lifted, and I feel free to be happy.  I think I’m actually happier and more perky than usual.  This is the part that DH is still getting used to.  (He tends to be on the serious side.)  :) 

At least with PMS he knew exactly what to expect.  I would feel my mood turn sour and tell him I’m PMSing.  He would leave me alone.  Sometimes giving me extra compliments or hugs helped defuse my short fuse but often it was best if we just sat in different rooms.  (Sounds not so healthy for marriage, I know.)  But DH reassured me every month that he was not taking it personally, and he knew that he didn’t do anything wrong.  We learned very quickly that nothing important could be discussed on my PMS days, especially anything where we might disagree.  I was not capable of much rational thought those days; I was pretty much pure (negative) emotion.  But this cycle that was totally gone.  This is seriously amazing.

DH says this isn’t real; this is just polkadot on drugs.  Hahahahahaha  

It has me wondering though:  Is this my true normal (healthy) state that naltrexone has restored?   Were my endorphins so deficient before which caused the PMS and now they are back to normal levels?

It took me a while to get up to the 32 mg dose.  PPVI had me start at 4 mg/day, and every 10 days the dose doubled.  After I survived 10 days of 32 mg/day (divided up into four doses throughout the day), I could start taking the whole dose at night.  The final dose will now be 50 mg at night.

Since I “graduated” from 32 mg (compounded) to 50 mg, I can now get the prescription filled at a local, non-compounding pharmacy.  Apparently 50 mg is a typical dose for someone being treated for alcohol or opioid addictions, which is why normal pharmacies carry it.  (Did you know that’s what the rest of the world uses it for outside of NaPro?  I had to convince my doctor during my health scare in October that I did not have an addiction to drugs… haha)  The nurse from PPVI said I can either take 50 mg or 25 mg (by cutting the pill in half).  Since my mood has been too so good, I think I’ll try taking 25 mg daily to see if that’s enough to keep PMS at bay.  I don’t mind being extra smiley all the time, but DH is a little weary of it, so maybe 25 mg will be the perfect dose.

Months ago I had called around town to find a pharmacy that carries lactose-free naltrexone.  I found one pharmacy that had it.  When I called them on Friday afternoon to see if my new prescription was ready, they said they didn’t have any in stock and couldn’t order it until Monday.  Boo.  I'm not sure why they couldn't tell me that in one of the previous three times I called them last week...  :P

Unfortunately I ran out of naltrexone, and it was two days before my cycle ended…  Very poor timing.  I don’t know if it was naltrexone withdrawal or just normal plummeting hormone levels that come with a new cycle, but I cried uncontrollably on and off all day for two days—on both the day before CD1 and CD1.  It hasn’t been that bad in a long time.  When DH tried to comfort me, my tears soaked his shirt so much he had to change it.  :(  I knew CD1 was coming the day before it happened because my temperature dropped, so that was part of the reason for tears.  (I still have to monitor my temperature occasionally while on T3, and I know when my temperature drops, AF will arrive 24 hours later.  Long ago before I met DH I charted sympto-thermal for my own knowledge.)  I hope I’m more stable this cycle...

Because of the arrival of AF, Mass for Gaudete Sunday wasn’t the joyful occasion it’s supposed to be.  Do you know how many times words like “brokenhearted” or “sorrow(ful)” were mentioned during Mass?  At least six times at our parish.  I know because I cried after hearing each one because it reminded me of our IF.  With all the exhortations to rejoice, I tried but I told God I could not.  Instead I told Him this cross is crushing me.  Prayer Buddy, I offered it all up for you.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry in admitting this.  DH and I went out Sunday afternoon to finish Christmas shopping.  I saw a woman holding a baby.  I had the urge to take the baby.  Bad, polkadot.  Bad idea.  I know I’m not the first IF girl with this thought.  Maybe the second, but definitely not the first!  It kind of shocked me to have that thought.  It happened again while we were out.  Twice in one day.  Yikes.  I promise I will never take anyone’s baby, but wow, did I feel desperate! 

I’m kind of feeling like Rachel in the Old Testament when she says, “Give me children or I shall die!”  (Genesis 30:1)   I understand the desperation.  I hate feeling this desperate, but it is what it is right now.

*sigh*  

God, will you send us a baby soon?  Please?  Thanks in advance.  :)

Some PMS drama

I don't need more drama during the post-peak phase; PMS is usually enough for me as it is. This story probably wouldn't be so bad if you took my PMS out of the picture. I thought maybe writing out what happened would make me feel better.

Things are definitely not dull here while DH is away on his business trip. I mentioned before that he put a hold on our mail so I wouldn't have to worry about it while he's gone. It's normally his job to get the mail (we live in an apartment complex) but I don't mind doing it. He just wanted one less thing on my to-do list. The thought was sweet of him. However this meant I didn't get my new meds right away, which were being mailed from the pharmacy. I wanted to get started on the LDN as soon as possible to see if it might help my PMS this cycle, and I would need the HCG for the last injection this cycle; I had some leftover in the fridge from last cycle to get me through part of this cycle.

So I called the post office toll-free number to find out where our mail was being held. I managed to get to that particular post office before it closed on Friday. I waited in a long line only to find out when it was my turn that our mail was being held across town. :( I had 15 minutes to get there before they closed for the weekend. I tried not to panic even though it was rush hour. I arrived with a few minutes to spare and joined several others in line. When I got to the front of the line the clerk took down my info and went in the back to retrieve our mail. She couldn't find it. Neither could another worker. I said I was waiting for a package which would be harder to miss than just an envelope. The second lady said they have problems sometimes with hold requests made online, so she said she'd contact the mail carrier on our route and call me if she found out anything. I left with the sinking feeling I wouldn't be able to get either of the medications in time. I was upset. How ironic is this that PMS rears its ugly head during my hunt for medicines that could help my PMS... The package was either lost or it was in our small mailbox. I had assumed it was too large to fit but maybe I was wrong. If DH were home this wouldn't have been a problem.

However, DH had the only copy of our mailbox key with him on his trip so I couldn't open our mailbox.

My only chance was to catch our mail lady on Saturday while she had the mailboxes open and beg her for the package. I left the window open in case I could hear the mail truck drive by—sometimes I can—and I totally stalked the mailboxes. :)

I heard the truck arrive. Thank you, Jesus. If you haven't gathered that I was desperate for both meds, I was. ;)

I grabbed my driver’s license for ID just in case and ran to the mailboxes. I could see the package in our box! Not wanting to appear desperate, I casually asked if there was a package for me. She said, “Oh, you're the girl looking for her package.” She handed it to me along with the rest of our mail. I ran back to our apartment and tore open the package from the pharmacy. I pulled out two bottles of LDN. To my dismay there was nothing else in there.

No HCG.

It was enough to make me cry. (I'm less than rational while PMSing.)

I don't know why they didn't send the HCG. When ordering it, I made a separate call to ask for the HCG refill--not five minutes after ordering the LDN-- and I knew I had a refill remaining on the prescription. I had even asked if they could mail the two meds in the same package, which the pharmacy employee affirmed. *sigh* It was pointless to call now and ask them again to send it because it would be too late to use it this cycle by the time I'd receive it.

So this meant I would be missing one day's dose of HCG this cycle. I guess that's not the worst thing that could happen. I really wanted to maximize our chances of success this cycle (and every cycle!) just in case... It’s disappointing.

But wait, there's more.

When it was time to do my second-to-last HCG dose, it didn’t look like there was enough medicine left for a full dose. After drawing it up, I learned I was correct. Instead of 2 mL, there was barely 0.5 mL. More disappointment. I guess last cycle we injected a little extra HCG which would explain why I was short this cycle. It’s bad enough having AF arrive when you’re TTC, but when you know you didn’t do everything you could to keep AF away, it feels like a wasted cycle.

Well, at least for next cycle, my list of meds and vitamins will grow noticeably, so that’s something to look forward to. And DH will be back so there won't be a mailbox fiasco. ;)