Prayer buddy reveal

My prayer buddy this Advent was BlessedBeLord.  I prayed for all her intentions, especially that she would conceive a child (soon!!) that she could raise here on earth.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Christmas, especially with relatives who don't ask too many questions or say anything insensitive.  ;)

Advent and IF

I know Advent is almost over, but I came across these words of Pope Benedict from a sermon he gave to college students in 1964 and wanted to share them.

"That is why daring to talk to God out of the trial of our darkness, as Job did, is a part of the Christian life. It is not part of that life for us to suppose that we can present only half of our existence to God and have to spare him the rest because we might annoy him. No, it is precisely to him that we can and we must bring, in complete honesty, the whole burden of our life. We are rather too inclined to forget that in the Book of Job, handed down to us in Holy Scripture, at the end of the drama God declares Job to be righteous–Job, who has hurled the most outrageous accusations at God–while he rejects Job’s friends as speakers of falsehood, those friends who had defended God and had found some kind of good sense and answer for everything.

Observing Advent simply means talking with God the way Job did. It means just seeing the whole reality and burden of our Christian life without fear and bringing it before the face of God, as judge and savior, even if, like Job, we have no answer to give about it all, and the only thing left is to leave it to God himself to answer and to tell him how we are standing here in our darkness with no answers."

~from What It Means to Be a Christian by Joseph Ratzinger

To me this describes life with infertility quite well, not just during Advent.  I feel like my whole journey with IF has been learning how to show God all the ugly sides that I wish weren't there.  But I can see that it's especially relevant during Advent because while the Church is telling me to rejoice and prepare for the Lord's coming and have hope, I'm looking at my life wondering if I'm just supposed to ignore all the suffering in my life, at least until after Christmas, so as not to put a damper on the season.  So I really appreciate what the pope said above about not having to ignore the burdens we're facing in order to observe Advent.  Our priest on Sunday reminded us that our reason for rejoicing (especially on Gaudete Sunday) is not based on what's going on in our lives as tempting as that is (e.g. my world is falling apart so I don't feel like rejoicing); it's based totally on Christ, and it doesn't matter if we "feel" like rejoicing or not.

In some ways I do feel like Job--the part about telling God that I'm standing here in my darkness without answers, not the part about hurling outrageous accusations (I have questions, maybe, but not accusations).  I thought infertility and a cycle that seems to be getting worse rather than better was plenty cross for me, but then DH's job loss happened.  It made IF alone look a lot better; at least it's a familiar cross.  Then a few days later my favorite and only living grandparent went into the hospital because she was tired.  Grandma left with a heart diagnosis (estimated up to two years left) and cancer.  She noticed the mass (tumor) years ago but didn't tell her doctor because it wasn't bothering her.  Now it's too big to remove with surgery.  She's electing not to do chemo or radiation because of her heart condition.  I know my grandma won't live forever, but the thought of her being that sick breaks my heart.  She is the glue that holds the family together.  I look forward to seeing her at Christmas, but I imagine it just won't be the same.  Needless to say it's been a very hard Advent.  God, I'm standing here in my darkness.  Light of Christ, please come.  Dear prayer buddy, this is all offered up for you. 

What happens when you forget HCG

This:

I saw this on the back of a car driving around town one day.

Over Thanksgiving I forgot to bring my HCG along.  I was gone during the days of my cycle when I usually take HCG.  PMS ensued.  Add in Thanksgiving traffic that moved at a glacial pace and me driving.  It was not pretty.   DH tried to defuse my mood.  It didn't work.  Poor DH.  I definitely helped with his sanctification that day.

HCG will be the first thing I pack for Christmas vacation.  :)

Some words of encouragement

You know how sometimes you come across some words of Scripture that you think God meant specifically for you on that particular day in that minute?  That's how I felt when I heard this passage the other day.  It's all of chapter 2 of Sirach.  I think it's pretty fitting for Advent too.

Sirach 2

1 My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials.

2 Be sincere of heart and steadfast, and do not be impetuous in time of adversity.

3 Cling to him, do not leave him, that you may prosper in your last days.

4 Accept whatever happens to you; in periods of humiliation be patient.

5 For in fire gold is tested, and the chosen, in the crucible of humiliation.

6 Trust in God, and he will help you; make your ways straight and hope in him.

7 You that fear the Lord, wait for his mercy, do not stray lest you fall.

8 You that fear the Lord, trust in him, and your reward will not be lost.

9 You that fear the Lord, hope for good things, for lasting joy and mercy.

10 Consider the generations long past and see: has anyone trusted in the Lord and been disappointed? Has anyone persevered in his fear and been forsaken? Has anyone called upon him and been ignored?

11 For the Lord is compassionate and merciful; forgives sins and saves in time of trouble.

12 Woe to timid hearts and drooping hands, to the sinner who walks a double path!

13 Woe to the faint of heart! For they do not trust, and therefore have no shelter!

14 Woe to you that have lost hope! What will you do at the Lord’s visitation?

15 Those who fear the Lord do not disobey his words; those who love him keep his ways.

16 Those who fear the Lord seek to please him; those who love him are filled with his law.

17 Those who fear the Lord prepare their hearts and humble themselves before him.

18 Let us fall into the hands of the Lord and not into the hands of mortals, for equal to his majesty is his mercy; and equal to his name are his works.

When I first read this chapter, I thought it applies to IF quite well.  I just found out today we are facing a new trial:  DH lost his job.  His employer is facing severe budget cuts and has no money left to pay him after this month.  We knew his job was ending, but it wasn't supposed to happen until late next summer.  He has been looking for a new job, but if he finds one it won't start until summer.  If you could spare a prayer for us, we would very much appreciate it.

The state of things

It's been a while since I posted. To be honest, I just haven't been motivated to write anything. When I'm sad, my tendency is not to post anything, as opposed to writing a sad post. I feel like I've entered a deeper phase of grief in the past few months. When the pain of sadness comes, it seems more intense than it used to be. It was probably exacerbated by the non-stop stream of pregnancy and birth announcements around me. (If one in eight couples has trouble conceiving, there must be tons of other IF couples out there somewhere, because among my acquaintances the fertile couples are heavily overrepresented.) It can seem really isolating to watch other couples who only know joy when it comes to getting pregnant while I'm sitting here with a tears in my eyes and a broken heart. But even though it seems that the sadness is worse, there are getting to be more times of acceptance, usually when I'm not sad, where I think that we'll be okay--well, more than okay--if we remain infertile. I had prayed for patience in this area a while ago (a dangerous prayer, I know), and I think I'm gradually seeing some good results. I just wish it would happen faster. hahaha

Here are some medical updates...

1. In my last post I wrote about how my TEBB disappeared for one cycle after the IV antibiotics and then returned. There was a bit of an improvement though--before the IV, I had around eight days of TEBB each cycle; after the IV, I was down to four days of TEBB. It's small, but it's something, right? ;) That lasted three cycles, so I figured it was my new pattern. Then this past cycle was a mess. There were six days of TEBB followed by four more days of brown bleeding midcycle. I haven't had that kind of midcycle spotting in a couple years. I don't know what caused it. I hope it doesn't happen again this cycle.

2. I had thyroid labs done because it had been a year since the last time it was checked. I found out my T4 is super low, so now I'm taking levothyroxine (Synthroid). I guess that makes me officially hypothyroid now...? (In the past only my T3 to reverse T3 ratio was low. Now that ratio is normal.) I'm up to six prescription medications... :P Is it bad that the pharmacist knows both DH and me by sight so he doesn't have to ask for our name? I must spend too much time at the pharmacy.

3. This cycle my Clomid dose increased to 50 mg on days 3-5. My P+7 levels have been borderline a few times, and my estrogen was low two cycles in a row. With the low T4 and now low estrogen, it seems my body is falling apart. What's next?

4. I've been having pain during my periods since the summer, so Dr. K is recommending that I have a second laparoscopy to see if my endo is back. I had been completely pain free after my first laparoscopy (February 2011), so the pain returning wasn't a good sign. It's not severe pain, so I can still go about my day, but it's enough that I would prefer to lie on the couch with a heating pad.

For the surgery, I had a choice between going to Dr. K in Omaha or going to a different surgeon (Dr. E) who was trained at PPVI and is only a few hours away from here. DH and I originally decided to go to the closer surgeon because of convenience and less expensive travel costs. I had an initial appointment with Dr. E recently, but it looks like it'll be a really long wait before the surgery would take place. I haven't spoken with the scheduler at PPVI, but now I think we're leaning toward going to Omaha. Hopefully we'll have a date soon.