The state of things

It's been a while since I posted. To be honest, I just haven't been motivated to write anything. When I'm sad, my tendency is not to post anything, as opposed to writing a sad post. I feel like I've entered a deeper phase of grief in the past few months. When the pain of sadness comes, it seems more intense than it used to be. It was probably exacerbated by the non-stop stream of pregnancy and birth announcements around me. (If one in eight couples has trouble conceiving, there must be tons of other IF couples out there somewhere, because among my acquaintances the fertile couples are heavily overrepresented.) It can seem really isolating to watch other couples who only know joy when it comes to getting pregnant while I'm sitting here with a tears in my eyes and a broken heart. But even though it seems that the sadness is worse, there are getting to be more times of acceptance, usually when I'm not sad, where I think that we'll be okay--well, more than okay--if we remain infertile. I had prayed for patience in this area a while ago (a dangerous prayer, I know), and I think I'm gradually seeing some good results. I just wish it would happen faster. hahaha

Here are some medical updates...

1. In my last post I wrote about how my TEBB disappeared for one cycle after the IV antibiotics and then returned. There was a bit of an improvement though--before the IV, I had around eight days of TEBB each cycle; after the IV, I was down to four days of TEBB. It's small, but it's something, right? ;) That lasted three cycles, so I figured it was my new pattern. Then this past cycle was a mess. There were six days of TEBB followed by four more days of brown bleeding midcycle. I haven't had that kind of midcycle spotting in a couple years. I don't know what caused it. I hope it doesn't happen again this cycle.

2. I had thyroid labs done because it had been a year since the last time it was checked. I found out my T4 is super low, so now I'm taking levothyroxine (Synthroid). I guess that makes me officially hypothyroid now...? (In the past only my T3 to reverse T3 ratio was low. Now that ratio is normal.) I'm up to six prescription medications... :P Is it bad that the pharmacist knows both DH and me by sight so he doesn't have to ask for our name? I must spend too much time at the pharmacy.

3. This cycle my Clomid dose increased to 50 mg on days 3-5. My P+7 levels have been borderline a few times, and my estrogen was low two cycles in a row. With the low T4 and now low estrogen, it seems my body is falling apart. What's next?

4. I've been having pain during my periods since the summer, so Dr. K is recommending that I have a second laparoscopy to see if my endo is back. I had been completely pain free after my first laparoscopy (February 2011), so the pain returning wasn't a good sign. It's not severe pain, so I can still go about my day, but it's enough that I would prefer to lie on the couch with a heating pad.

For the surgery, I had a choice between going to Dr. K in Omaha or going to a different surgeon (Dr. E) who was trained at PPVI and is only a few hours away from here. DH and I originally decided to go to the closer surgeon because of convenience and less expensive travel costs. I had an initial appointment with Dr. E recently, but it looks like it'll be a really long wait before the surgery would take place. I haven't spoken with the scheduler at PPVI, but now I think we're leaning toward going to Omaha. Hopefully we'll have a date soon.