The 2WW

I remember my first 2WW (two-week wait).  Oh, how sweet and innocent I was.  I was on cloud nine pretty much the whole time.  I was constantly praising God for everything, especially opening DH's heart to TTC.  I had so much hope—a hope that fully expected to be fulfilled.  (Having a 76% chance* of conceiving in the first cycle seemed like pretty good odds to me.)  About halfway into the 2WW, I started spotting.  I had never ever been so excited to see spotting.  "Implantation bleeding," I thought, "right on time."  I diligently kept track of other early pregnancy symptoms.  Toward the end it took a lot of willpower not to take a pregnancy test.  (But I was bound and determined not to test until P+17...no false negatives for me.)  I never quite made it to P+17.  I was crushed.

The second cycle I had 2WW amnesia, I think.  I let my hopes get just about as high as they were the previous cycle, not remembering how much the disappointment hurt when AF came.  Lots of people don't conceive on the first try, I told myself.  If 90% of couples* conceive by the third cycle, there's no need to worry.  Yet I still cried when AF showed up.

Since then my attitude during the 2WW has gradually shifted towards self-preservation: "I'd love to be surprised by pregnancy this cycle, but I'm not really expecting it to happen now."  Change in expectations means less disappointment, right?  Of course, there is always a tiny voice in the back of my mind thinking, "This could be the cycle!"  (This is followed by, "God, could this be the cycle?")  I try not to dwell on it until the end of the 2WW.  I actually look forward to the first week after ovulation.  No more pressure to use certain days.  Either I'm pregnant or I'm not—there is no way to tell, and nothing more can be done at that point (aside from trying to boost progesterone).  It's a nice little emotional break...provided PMS stays away.

But then there's the second week of the 2WW.  Just as I'm starting to mentally relax, I notice what could be an early sign of pregnancy.  Let the mind games begin.  Here's a little peek inside my head:

Fatigue:  Wow, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I really need a nap.  Ooooh, could I be pregnant?  Or might it have something to do with not getting enough sleep the last three nights?  Or perhaps it was that lunch I had an hour or two ago full of carbs—my blood glucose probably just took a nose-dive...I suppose that's it.  Doesn't everyone feel tired mid-afternoon?  But I didn't feel this tired yesterday...hmmm...

Breast tenderness:  I think they're a bit sore.  Am I imagining it?  Hard to tell.  Maybe I'm checking too often so that's why they're sore.  Oh, it's just another PMS symptom.  But taking HCG has eliminated my other PMS symptoms...and I never noticed it before TTC, so maybe I'm pregnant?  Well, I guess I really never paid attention to it before TTC...

Urinary frequency:  I have to go to the bathroom again?  Really?  It's only been an hour since the last time. (grumble)  Maybe this is pregnancy!  No, it's just those ten glasses of water I had today—I did drink more than usual.  Well, at least my kidneys are working.  But I've had that much water before and never had to go this often...

Nausea:  My stomach hurts.  It's not heartburn.  Ooooh, it's really nausea.  This is unusual for me.  It must be that I'm pregnant.  Or could it be related to eating way too much homemade ice cream approximately an hour ago?  I wonder.  But this really feels different from the past when I've eaten too much at once...

Vomiting (only twice since TTC):  I threw up.  First thing in the morning.  It's morning sickness!  Wait, maybe I'm just super nervous about that big meeting at work today.  Or it's because I am up much earlier than normal and haven't eaten yet...but, it's not THAT early, really...

Toilet paper status:  Is that spot red? (after scrutinizing the TP very closely for two minutes...)  No.  Great!  Is it brown?  Wellllllll....maybe?  Oh, it's just not the best lighting in here.  That's why I can't tell.  I should check again to be sure.  It's not really brown.  Maybe the urine is dark because it's concentrated, and it just sort of appears brown.  Or almost brown.  Does that count?  But even if it is brown, it could be implantation spotting.  (five minutes later...)  Oh, I felt something—is that my period starting?  I better go check again...  God, your will be done.  (Are infertiles the only ones to pray before going into the bathroom?)

ETA of AF:  Today is peak + ___ (insert number 13 or higher).  AF could possibly start today.  I should wear a pad just in case.  Oh, but this cycle could be the one.  Yeah, but it would be really bad if AF came today and I weren't prepared.  Fine, I'll wear a pad.  And I'll put three tampons in my purse.  But that doesn't mean AF WILL start...maybe I'll get to the end of the day and find out I didn't need one after all.  That would be nice.

Once upon a time I kept track of (i.e., wrote down) each and every symptom I observed during the 2WW.  (I wanted to be able to answer the CrMS pregnancy evaluation questions accurately.)  At some point a few months ago it became too difficult to constantly focus on them, so I stopped.  Now, if they happen, they happen.  No big deal, right?.  Except I still have those little dialogues in my head whenever I notice one or more of the symptoms.  I guess that hope is still there.  I hope it doesn't drive me crazy.


*couples with normal fertility using CrMS to conceive