Maybe next cycle

So I spent the last two days of the cycle like this:

I had no early pregnancy symptoms, so I convinced myself I wasn't pregnant.  I started to get a little hopeful when AF hadn't shown up when I went to bed on P+14.  (On HCG, my post-peak phase is 13-14 days.)

The next morning (P+15) I decided to take my temperature when I woke up. I know what my temperature usually is post-peak (due to monitoring it occasionally for T3) and that it drops significantly right before AF starts. I didn't want to deal with the drama of waiting anymore, so I figured my temperature would just give it to me straight. My temperature was the same as it was when I took it on P+4 (for T3).

That meant AF wasn't coming on P+15. I stared at the thermometer in disbelief.

I spent the entire day like the picture above.

When I woke up on P+16, it felt like AF had already started. I didn't want to get out of bed. I took my temperature again. It was 0.3 degrees lower than the day before. That's not much of a drop. Silly thermometer. I was confused why it wasn't lower.

I went to the bathroom to face the music...and there was no AF. I was in shock. I started to get excited.

Mid-afternoon came. Still no AF. I was more excited. I may or may not have visited the bathroom every two hours whether I needed to or not just to see if AF had come...

Finally right before dinner I saw some brown spotting. I was really bummed. And mad at myself for hoping. I still had a tiny irrational bit of hope because it was only spotting. But by bedtime it was clear that AF was here. I didn't take it well. I haven't cried that hard in a while. Rationally I know it's only the first cycle since surgery, but it doesn't erase the weight of all the previous cycles ending with a BFN.

DH is ever the optimist about us conceiving someday. Almost every time CD1 arrives, he says to me, "Maybe next cycle." He said it to me last night in an attempt to comfort me. I'm glad he could remind me that this is not the end of the world, even though things look pretty bleak on CD1.

The good news is that I had very minimal menstrual pain so far. There was just a little achy bloating on CD1 and that was it--a definite improvement from last month. Today was CD2, and I had no pain at all.

So now I wait to hear back from PPVI for my cycle review to see if Dr. K wants to try something else for the TEBB.

 ~ * ~

"...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." ~Revelation 7:17