IF blog word art

I made it here.  If you do click on that link (which is only recommended if you have time to kill...I had a little too much fun making the image above), note that once you submit your text, you can't go back and edit the text, so be sure to copy and paste it somewhere else should you want to tweak it a bit.

A song for CD1

Or for any day you're feeling sad.

Hold my Heart by Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'til I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

Refrain
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

Refrain

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

Surviving Sunday

Like most IFers, Mother's Day is not something I look forward to. I feel like I skated through Sunday pretty easily without too many bumps or bruises. I was not really dreading what might happen at Mass because for the past two years the pastor only mentioned the holiday at the very end of Mass, and all he said was, "Happy Mother's Day." No blessing of mothers. No going on and on about mothers. No flowers for mothers after Mass. Nothing that would make my already fragile emotional state crumble to pieces. I assumed this year would be no different, so I was fairly relaxed.

When DH and I were entering the church, I saw that our other parish priest was going to be presiding. I briefly panicked. I didn't know how he would handle things. I prayed that there wouldn't be a blessing. After greeting everyone, the priest brought up Mother's Day, and I tensed up. He mentioned what a wonderful thing mothers are (small knife in my wounded heart), that we should be thankful for our mothers (yes, definitely), that this day might be hard for those whose mothers have died (impressed that he pointed out it's not a happy day for everyone), and that we should remember and pray for deceased mothers (of course). Then he said we should look to our spiritual mother Mary (good, keep talking about her!). I did find it a bit curious that he only mentioned pain on Mother's Day if your own mother had died. His mother was deceased, so I'm guessing that was part of the motivation. Also, everyone has a mother, so maybe he thought everyone could relate. I'm not sure where having a difficult or estranged relationship with your mother would fit in his categories. But if he was going to acknowledge pain on Mother's Day, I'm a little surprised he didn't also mention mothers who lost children (whether before or after birth). I wasn't expecting him to mention infertility, but I would have thought he would realize women would be hurting on Mother's Day if they had a child who died. I wanted their pain to be publicly acknowledged, but it didn't happen, so I did it silently in my heart.

There was no blessing at the end of Mass (thank you, God) but there was more warm, fuzzy mother talk. I tried to think of my own mom and how thankful I am for her. If I hadn't done that, I probably would have been in tears over our IF.

After Mass, we said hello to the priest as we were leaving like always. I extended my hand to shake his, and he grabbed it with both of his hands and said, "Have a blessed day." He held it for longer than a normal handshake and seemed to stare intently at me. It felt like he was staring into my soul. He doesn't really know DH and I that well beyond our names, but his look and gesture struck me as if he knew we were IF and that Mother's Day was especially difficult for me. (I wasn't crying in the pew during Mass, so he didn't have that to clue him in.) It's possible that the pastor told him we were IF, or he might have guessed it after seeing us around for several years with no children in tow. Either way, I was touched by his small kindness. (pun not intended...but it is a little funny, right?) As we headed for the door, I heard him say, "Happy Mother's Day" to the family behind us. Then I appreciated the words he said to me even more.

The rest of the day I relaxed doing things I enjoy, including a little retail therapy. :) I was in pretty good spirits the remainder of the afternoon, so I thought. Then out of the blue I started thinking about how much I desired motherhood, and I could not stop the tears. I maybe had been in a little denial about how much I was hurting inside in an attempt to just make it through Mother's Day. On the day when the whole country focuses on mothers, I wanted to push those thoughts as far from my head as possible. (They could resume on Monday, if necessary.) I called my mom in the evening. Talking to her was a nice distraction from my sadness.

So that was my Mother's Day...how was yours?

Return of the IF t-shirts

They're back!  For the third year in a row, I made some IF-related t-shirts.  (year 1, year 2)  We all need a reason to smile today.  If you're not in the mood for talking, maybe one of these t-shirts could do the talking for you.

 

 

This one is DH's contribution.  He thought
any husband could wear this.

Thank you x10^6

I'd like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who prayed for me during April for Adopt-a-Blogger.  You definitely made my cross lighter this month.  I am so grateful for this community.  I continue to hold all of you close to my heart, and I will keep praying for those who asked for specific prayers.

IF girl goes to confession

I brace myself a bit before going to confession. Not because I dislike going (though there is the usual internal wince beforehand at the thought of telling my major faults to someone else), but because I'm going to bring up my infertility in context, and I don't know how the priest will respond. Priests are people too. They may or may not have more experience than the average person with an infertile girl. I have heard quite a range of comments in the confessional from pearls of wisdom to platitudes to comments that leave me speechless with my mouth hanging open. ("Did he really just say THAT?")

I usually go in hoping the priest decides to focus his counsel on my sins (and that fact that some of them stem from this suffering I am going through) and not try to give me advice specifically about infertility. I assume a priest would have a lot of experience in counseling someone who is suffering and sinning at the same time. The majority of the time, I am grateful for the advice and direction the priest gives me, but there have been a couple times that were not so edifying.

Here are some of the more memorable things priests have said to me during confession over the past few years.

Priest:  I bet by this time next year you'll have a child.

At that point we had not conceived in nine cycles of TTC.  (I could pinpoint the date because it's a parish we go to once a year, and I remember the priest specifically.)  Since it was early in our IF days, the priest might have been thinking that the odds were on his side (well, DH and my side) that we'd get pregnant within the next year.  Although if he meant that we'd be holding a child within a year, that only left three months to get pregnant, and that's a pretty small window.  Anyway...the priest was very kind and had a gentle tone, so I remember giving him a half smile and nodding along with him.  He just sounded so reassuring that this would be a very temporary situation.  As soon as I left, I snapped out of the happy daze I was in.  I wondered what had come over me that I believed him or that him saying that was in any way helpful...  It wasn't helpful.  He had no way of knowing the medical issues that were (and are still) preventing us from conceiving or how difficult they would be to treat.

Priest:  You just have to be patient.

Ah, patience.  That seems to the be the default answer for everything.  Oh, you're suffering?  Just be patient, and it'll go away eventually.  For many things, that might be true, but what if we never conceive?  Is the priest implying I should be patient until death?  He probably said that because he didn't know what else to say and wanted to say something of comfort.  I really dislike platitudes about IF...

I guess it was the way it was phrased that rubbed me the wrong way.  I know patience is so important in general and for IF specifically.  I have had other priests tell me to pray for patience, which I have been doing for a while, and it didn't bother me when they gave me that advice.

Priest: Would you describe yourself as an uptight person?
Me: ?
Priest:  I think you just need to relax [and then you'll get pregnant].

First, let me say that after hearing a list of a person's sins, I can see how it might be a bit difficult to see the good side of a person.  Hi, we've never met before three minutes ago, you can't see my face because I'm behind a screen, and I just told you the worst things about me.  That's going to leave a positive and accurate impression of me as an entire person, isn't it?  Anyway, if I am uptight, which I never considered myself to be before that day but now I'm wondering if I am (but who wants to admit they're uptight?), it's probably related to my personality or temperament, which would be very difficult to change.  Relax?  Oh, okay.  I hadn't thought of that.  What a logical solution!  I'll just ignore all the stress and pain related to IF and act like I don't have a worry or care in the world.  I'll become a different person overnight.  And then I will miraculously get pregnant right away.  (Because obviously we weren't relaxed when we started TTC and we didn't know we were IF...)

If there hadn't been a line of people behind me an hour long, I would have tried to tell the priest that this "relaxing will cure infertility" myth is just that, a myth.  I'm not sure how charitable I would have been because as soon as he said the word relax, inside my head was screaming, "DO YOU HAVE A CLUE OF WHAT CAUSES INFERTILITY?  RELAXING DOES NOT CURE ENDOMETRIOSIS OR THE INFECTION IN MY UTERUS OR ANY OTHER HOST OF GYNECOLOGIC PROBLEMS THAT CAUSE INFERTILITY."  But I bit my tongue and let him talk.  I was mad.  (not a good way to leave confession)  :(  I was very glad to be behind the screen.  I was also glad this was a visiting priest from another state; I would not be revisiting his confessional ever.

Priest: I don't understand why you're not pregnant yet.  God must have a really good reason for this.

My pastor said this to me recently.  He has known about our infertility since my first surgery two years ago and has told me periodically that he has been praying for us.  (He said it again after the confession.)  He doesn't know any of the medical issues specifically.  I could have told him, "Well, I've never had all of my problems fixed at the same time.  Surgery two years ago removed the endo, but the uterine infection wasn't treated until last summer, and by then my endo had most likely returned..."  But I didn't think he needed all the details.

After he said this, he told me a story from his past about a time where he faced a difficult situation he wished were different (his mom was in the hospital for over a month at the end of her life).  He said everyday he asked God to allow her to go home from the hospital so she could die at home but that if it was His will for her to remain, he would humbly accept it.  He said he knew how much we wanted a child, but if God was going to allow us to continue on childless, He would want our humble submission as well.  I guess I'll just trust that God does have a really good reason.  :)

Priest: God always gives us what we need...and sometimes what we want.

I like how simple this statement is and how well it sums up how God answers prayer.  I really appreciate the reminder.  I know that praying for children is a good thing and that they should be the natural product of marriage (assuming healthy reproductive systems), but ultimately I am praying for what I want.  It feels freeing to admit that I don't need a child.  I recently heard this, "If you need someone, you can't truly love them."  I've been thinking about this a lot and hoping that it would help me love a child better, if we were so blessed.

Priest: We have to trust God like a little child.  A child doesn't worry if his dad is going to be able to pay the rent; he just trusts that his dad will take care of him no matter what.

This is an important reminder for when I'm going through any kind of suffering or waiting, but I think it is so key for approaching infertility.  I may not get what I want or have things happen on my timeline, but I know that no matter what God is always with me and will bring me through anything.

Priest: Look to Mary.  She understands what it's like not to have things go according to human plans.  She became pregnant before she was married.  Soon after Jesus was born she had to flee to Egypt, a foreign land where she knew no one.  She watched her son be crucified.  Yet she still trusted God.  Ask her to pray for you.

I've never had a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother.  Before TTC, I thought that devotion might increase once I became a mother because then I'd be able to relate to her more closely having that in common.  It was always something I thought I'd do later.  Yet this priest reminded me that I don't need to wait until I'm a mother.  There is plenty about her life to ponder and be inspired by now. 



These have been the IF-related comments that stand out most in my memory.  What has your experience been in bringing up infertility during confession?

Maybe next cycle

So I spent the last two days of the cycle like this:

I had no early pregnancy symptoms, so I convinced myself I wasn't pregnant.  I started to get a little hopeful when AF hadn't shown up when I went to bed on P+14.  (On HCG, my post-peak phase is 13-14 days.)

The next morning (P+15) I decided to take my temperature when I woke up. I know what my temperature usually is post-peak (due to monitoring it occasionally for T3) and that it drops significantly right before AF starts. I didn't want to deal with the drama of waiting anymore, so I figured my temperature would just give it to me straight. My temperature was the same as it was when I took it on P+4 (for T3).

That meant AF wasn't coming on P+15. I stared at the thermometer in disbelief.

I spent the entire day like the picture above.

When I woke up on P+16, it felt like AF had already started. I didn't want to get out of bed. I took my temperature again. It was 0.3 degrees lower than the day before. That's not much of a drop. Silly thermometer. I was confused why it wasn't lower.

I went to the bathroom to face the music...and there was no AF. I was in shock. I started to get excited.

Mid-afternoon came. Still no AF. I was more excited. I may or may not have visited the bathroom every two hours whether I needed to or not just to see if AF had come...

Finally right before dinner I saw some brown spotting. I was really bummed. And mad at myself for hoping. I still had a tiny irrational bit of hope because it was only spotting. But by bedtime it was clear that AF was here. I didn't take it well. I haven't cried that hard in a while. Rationally I know it's only the first cycle since surgery, but it doesn't erase the weight of all the previous cycles ending with a BFN.

DH is ever the optimist about us conceiving someday. Almost every time CD1 arrives, he says to me, "Maybe next cycle." He said it to me last night in an attempt to comfort me. I'm glad he could remind me that this is not the end of the world, even though things look pretty bleak on CD1.

The good news is that I had very minimal menstrual pain so far. There was just a little achy bloating on CD1 and that was it--a definite improvement from last month. Today was CD2, and I had no pain at all.

So now I wait to hear back from PPVI for my cycle review to see if Dr. K wants to try something else for the TEBB.

 ~ * ~

"...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." ~Revelation 7:17

Novena to St. Gianna

Painting of St. Gianna at the
Shrine of Lady of Guadalupe
in La Crosse, WI

St. Gianna's feast day is coming up on April 28th.  She is a much-beloved patron saint of infertility.  The miracle which led to her canonization happened to a woman who was 16 weeks pregnant.  Her placenta tore, and the amniotic fluid drained out.  The doctors said the baby had no chance of survival.  Through the intercession of St. Gianna, the baby was born healthy.  The mother named the little girl Gianna.  (She turns 13 next month.)

I'm going to pray a novena to St. Gianna for all those waiting to hold children of their own in their arms.  I'll be praying for all the lovely ladies who have IF blogs (that I know of), a few IRL acquaintances and clients, everyone in the FB group, and anyone who reads my blog.  If you don't have a blog (or if you do) and you'd like me to pray for you by name, please leave your name and any information about yourself you'd like to share in the comments.  Or you can e-mail me; see the e-mail tab above.  While many of you are praying for me this month for Adopt-A-Blogger, I would like to pray for all of you.

The novena is below.  It starts on Friday, April 19 and ends on April 27.

(Interesting random fact of the day:  Did you know that the number nine is the number of imperfection (ten is perfect), so it's fitting that a novena lasts nine days because it is "man's imperfection turned in prayer to God?"  St. Jerome said, "The number nine in Holy Writ is indicative of suffering and grief."  source    I didn't know that before today.)

Novena To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta Molla

God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.

We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.

Glory be …

Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You.

We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.

Glory be…

God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You.

We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.

Glory be…

O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.

Hail Mary…

Back to the regular program

I'm calling my first full cycle after surgery my mulligan cycle. I'm going to ignore that it happened. I can do that, right? ;) I'm blaming the craziness on the fact that my body was recovering from minor major surgery and didn't know which end was up. It turned out to be super short, just 20 days long. The post-peak phase (PPP) was only 9 days and ended with four days of premenstrual spotting, which I never have. My PPP without HCG is normally 12-13 days, so this was unusual. I didn't do a P+7 blood draw because we weren't TTC, but if I had, my progesterone would have probably been abysmal. I thought the doctor's order to avoid during that cycle was just so my body could heal physically, but it appears I needed time to heal hormonally too. I hope my body got all this nonsense out of its system and is ready to get back on track.

Thankfully this cycle does seem like I am back to normal. I only had moderate pain on and off for a few hours on CD1, a big improvement from last cycle. Hopefully the pain will continue to decrease over time. After my surgery two years ago, my periods were completely pain free, so I know it's possible. I had a good mucus build-up, and I didn't even take any mucus enhancers to offset the potential drying effect of Clomid. I'm feeling maxed out with the number of pills I swallow everyday, so something had to give (the B6 and Mucinex). My peak day was also back where it belongs (CD15).

My old nemesis TEBB is still hanging around though. DH and I started taking a three-week course of Flagyl about a week before this cycle started, so I don't know whether there was even a chance of it affecting the TEBB this cycle with that timing. Although Flagyl is supposed to be effective at killing the type of bacteria that has invaded my uterus, I'm not holding my breath that it will work because it didn't eliminate the TEBB when we took it in the past. I suppose another theory is that last June when the IV antibiotics successfully knocked out the TEBB, a new and different bacteria took up residence which might be susceptible to the Flagyl? Maybe? I'm probably grasping at straws here. :)

Boy am I glad to be done with the Flagyl. The last time I took it I spent some quality time on my knees in the bathroom because I couldn't keep food down. At that time I was on a different medication which was likely interfering with the Flagyl, so I thought this time would be better and uneventful. While this time was better, it was a tough three weeks. Even taking the Flagyl with a meal (which was supposed to help), I still had a near-constant stomach ache, almost like nausea. My appetite was close to zero, mostly because my stomach hurt, but partially because of the metallic taste in my mouth. I would not be surprised if I lost weight (and I don't have weight to lose). With three days left--the end was in sight!--I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor again. At least it was just one night. About a day after I took my last Flagyl my appetite came back in full force. I felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks. I don't think I made up completely for the previous three weeks, but I definitely made a dent in the calories I was missing. :)

This might be as close as I get

...to a BFP.  I saw this driving around yesterday.

Really?  Is this a sign?  A joke?  A random coincidence?  Oh, if only it could be true for me.

I'm early post-peak now, so it's too soon to know anything about this cycle.

                                                                         .  .  .

Tuesday update:  Tonight I was behind a car whose license plate started with AF (it was AFF-###).  I'm really not sure what to make of these license plate signs.  They really need to be more consistent.  All these mixed messages are messing with my head.  ;)