This might be a bit surprising, but I've never spent a holiday family gathering with either a pregnant woman or a baby since we started TTC more than five years ago. My parents are not grandparents, and my youngest cousin is in grade school. Thanksgiving and Christmas have been essentially safe spaces for an IFer. No family member has ever asked us about when we are going to have kids (and we have not shared with family that we are IF), so we haven't even had to attempt an awkward conversation about it. Last year on Christmas, DH was reading in the living room, and nearby two of my aunts were saying that my grandma needed more babies around. DH made a beeline to the kitchen to "get something to drink" to avoid getting pulled into the conversation. I know we've had it easy compared to stories I've heard from other IFers.
All that will change this Christmas. There will be two infants at our extended family celebration on Christmas Day. Two of my cousins who married in the last few years recently had a baby. One of my aunts will likely be sharing her excitement with everyone, as any new grandma would. During the afternoon people gather in the kitchen or living room, and I really just want to hide in the room where the babies are not (the living room) and avoid them, but I kind of expect that aunt to personally introduce the baby to everyone. (The other aunt has other grandchildren so maybe her excitement won't be as fresh?) Is it bad to hope that both babies will be sleeping the whole afternoon? It's only about five hours that the cousins with babies will be around on Christmas Day, based on previous years, so at least it's a limited time. I can't spend much time in the bathroom as there are only two bathrooms for 40+ people. ;) I'll be in the middle of my post-peak phase, so all bets are off how my mood will be. Just thinking about being around babies is making me cry right now, so I'm not super optimistic I'll be able to hold it together in three days. There's nowhere to escape as we'll be in a rural area, and the nearest city is a half hour away. I suppose I could go for a walk outside in my nice dress and big winter boots if it got too hard to handle... I know I can't just avoid them forever though.
I'm also not looking forward to comments about having babies, especially if they're thrown in my direction. I'm hoping it just doesn't come up. :) I had asked for advice on what to say to the question, "Where are you going to have kids?" in an older blog post. The advice in the comments ranged from sharing about IF to saying "I don't know" and changing the topic or walking away. I'm leaning toward saying: "I don't know. I'm going to get some more water."
If you have any advice on how to get through Christmas gatherings with babies around or how you handle relatives' comments and questions related to having kids or IF, please share in the comments. :)
I keep all you of in my prayers always, but most especially this week. If I end up having a difficult day on Christmas, I will be offering it up for you.
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Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Monday, December 22, 2014
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Ask the IFers
I mentioned in a previous post that I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to take advantage of the mucus-enhancing effects of the antibiotic ampicillin because I started taking it on peak day last cycle. Well, it turns out that I didn't miss out on the mucus-enhancing effects. I started having what looked like fertile mucus on CD6 this cycle, right when I was finishing up the ampicillin. At first I thought, "Oh, maybe I'm ovulating early." The good mucus continued almost every day until my peak day, which was CD17. That's a long mucus cycle...too long actually. (I already have pre-peak yellow stamps; this was just way out of the ordinary.) So I'm hoping that all that extra good-looking mucus was the residual effects of the ampicillin and it doesn't mean I've developed a new problem with ovulation...
Anyway, having twelve days of good mucus is a lot when you're TTC. It's easy to get burned out even with a regular length mucus cycle when you're trying to maximize your chances of pregnancy. Now that everything is treated medically (and the fact that I'm on Clomid) it really would be best if we tried pretty hard to use the best mucus days. But nothing says romantic more than, "Hey honey, I had 10KL today. We should use today." (Can you hear my sarcasm? I promise you it's dripping.) The last thing I want to do is use DH for his sperm. (I have asked him multiple times over the past few years if he feels used, and good discussion followed. Thankfully he's never felt used, but I do worry sometimes.) I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
So I had a thought. I wanted to share some strategies I've learned for how to get those i's* on the chart, and I wanted to ask for your suggestions and tips on the topic as well.
Then I had another thought...this would make a good series of posts. Each post would be a different topic where we (me in the post and you in the comments) share our collective wisdom. Okay, maybe this is already what happens with some blog posts, but now I'm going to group them together under a common heading. :) It might be a good reference to go back to later. If you have ideas for topics, please tell me! What things have you been dying to ask a group of IFers? (anonymously, even)
And because a series needs a fun image...
The question of the day: How do you manage to get an adequate frequency of acts of intercourse during the fertile days each cycle?
So here's what I've learned along the way... I'm trying to keep these points as "generic" as possible because this is a very sensitive and personal issue.
First a note about how I word things. With Creighton, we talk about choosing days for intercourse or "using" days. That's what I mean below when I say "use a day." We also talk about the i's written on the chart (i = intercourse that day).
1. The first piece of advice comes from the back of the Creighton chart: "Abstain until good mucus is present." This is especially recommended if there is a low sperm count, but I've found it helpful for any IF couple. By abstaining for a certain number of days before the good mucus starts (for example, seven days or the entire pre-peak phase starting on CD1), it can build up some anticipation making it easier to use the fertile days (and more of them). When you're using NFP to avoid a pregnancy, you'll hear about a mini "honeymoon phase" that supposedly happens on peak+4 in each cycle because it's the beginning of the infertile phase of the cycle. So it's like that but at a different time of the cycle. Personally, following this instruction has helped us a lot.
2. Keep your husband updated during the day if you see good mucus. Let him know as soon as possible after you observe it. That way he has more time to mentally prepare. If he has a stressful job, long hours, or comes home tired, he might want to know ahead of time (before he gets home from work) that he should save a little energy for later. And it also means you're not springing, "I had 10KL today," on him when he's going to bed and is completely exhausted. The plus side of using Creighton is that if an e-mail or text message of "10KL" is accidentally seen by a coworker, they won't have a clue what it means. Or if you're at work and on the phone with him at lunch and you say, "Hey, it's 10KL today," the person overhearing you doesn't know what you're talking about. (unless of course you work with other Creighton users...then you obviously need a different code) :)
3. Another piece of advice from the back of the Creighton chart: "Use the days of best quality and quantity [of mucus] and the first two days after." If you see mucus that fits that description, make an extra effort to use that day. If you can use more than one day in a row, great. If not, try to make it a goal to aim for every other day. That takes the pressure off of both of you to use every good mucus day. That "break" day in between can be really helpful...knowing that you get the night off, so to speak, ahead of time can relieve some stress that can build up over getting i's on the chart. If there are cycles where you don't get to every other day, try not to beat yourself up too much. (I've done that.) Just try again next time.
A little story... When I was first learning to be a Creighton practitioner, I had a supervisor review all my client cases. I had an IF client. Most cycles there was only one act of intercourse during the fertile time, and it wasn't often on one of the best mucus days. My supervisor asked me if I had discussed the instruction on the back of the chart (about using the best quality/quantity mucus days) with the client. I told her I had, but the client gave many excuses why they couldn't manage more than one i per (mucus) cycle. My supervisor told me to ask the client, "How badly do you want to get pregnant?" I told her I knew the answer would be, "We want it more than anything!" The client had cried in front of me during a follow up because she was so frustrated that they weren't pregnant. My supervisor told me to point out to the client, "Your actions don't match your desire. If you tell me you really really really want to be pregnant, then your actions had better indicate that. You need to work harder if you want to reach your goal of pregnancy--meaning you need to plan multiple acts of intercourse during the fertile time. Waiting until the conditions are perfect and you're both well-rested and in the mood is not good enough. You can't rely on spontaneity anymore. You need to put in the effort."
What my supervisor said made sense. She had many years of experience working with IF couples under her belt, so I knew the advice was trustworthy. I am also pretty sure she had to personally use her own advice because she faced quite a few years of secondary infertility herself.
4. Go on a date or do something romantic on the fertile days. Turn off all the lights and eat dinner by candlelight. Do something not in your normal routine to create a romantic atmosphere. Show your husband you love him in his love language. Ask him to do the same for you. (Are you familiar with the five love languages?) If he appreciates acts of service, do a chore for him you know he hates doing. If he likes gifts, get him something. If he likes quality time, carve out part of the evening to do something together or just sit on the couch and talk. Start as early in the day as possible with these gestures if you can.
If you need more ideas, google "Moxie Wife." It's a Catholic blog, and she often has ideas to spice up marriage and increase the romance.
5. Use different times of the day. Ask your husband what time of day he prefers. Tell him what you prefer. Sometimes switching up what time you use (morning vs. afternoon/dinner time vs. bedtime) can help, either because it's different from your usual routine or because it's a more preferred time of day. I remember one client I had where the wife worked a night shift and the husband worked first shift. They just couldn't find the time where they were both awake and not exhausted. I asked the husband if it would be okay if his wife woke him up when she got home (in the middle of the night). He said he had never thought about it, but was open to the idea. It ended up working well for them.
6. Minimize or eliminate obstacles. What are your "excuses" for not having more i's on the chart? Identify them and see if you can overcome them. If it's related to being too busy, can you keep your schedule clear during the fertile time? If it's related to being too tired, can you try to go to bed earlier? If there's other stress in your life, figure out how to reduce it or manage it better.
7. I went back and forth on this one--should I include it or not? Is it too scandalous? Tell me if it is and I'll delete it. I think it's helpful advice though...
For those days you know you really should try to use...
This piece of advice is from a very perceptive friend of mine when she was engaged (and chaste). We were talking about IF and NaPro. (She was very familiar with CrMS and NaPro since she charted and had surgery for endo prior to this conversation.) She paused for a moment and then out of the blue said, "It must be hard sometimes to use the best days, especially if you're being treated with NaPro and you know you really should but you might not be in the mood." I nodded in agreement. Unprompted, she continued, "I guess on those days you just have to completely focus on your husband and do everything that pleases him. Like you have to try to be really unselfish and focus all your attention on him." I'm pretty sure she had read "Love and Responsibility" by Pope John Paul II before he was pope, so I think that helped her come to that conclusion. I'm still impressed that she said that. I think she's absolutely right.
8. If the stress of TTC is getting to be too much, consider and pray about taking a break for a cycle or more. When you're taking meds for TTC, especially those to induce ovulation or that are expensive, it's best to discuss this before taking those meds for the cycle. I take my Clomid on CD3, so if we were going to take a break for a cycle, we would want to decide that before CD3, not on the first good mucus day on CD11. If you're not on those kinds of meds, then you could make a decision to take a break closer to when the fertile time begins.
Okay, your turn. What's your best advice? I'm ready to soak up your wisdom. :)
*In case the misplacement of apostrophes drives you up the wall too, I learned that it's correct to write the plural of a lowercase letter with an apostrophe, at least according to a certain major manual of style. When you're trying to write the plural of i you also need the apostrophe to prevent ambiguity..." 'is' on the chart" just doesn't work when I mean more than one i.
Anyway, having twelve days of good mucus is a lot when you're TTC. It's easy to get burned out even with a regular length mucus cycle when you're trying to maximize your chances of pregnancy. Now that everything is treated medically (and the fact that I'm on Clomid) it really would be best if we tried pretty hard to use the best mucus days. But nothing says romantic more than, "Hey honey, I had 10KL today. We should use today." (Can you hear my sarcasm? I promise you it's dripping.) The last thing I want to do is use DH for his sperm. (I have asked him multiple times over the past few years if he feels used, and good discussion followed. Thankfully he's never felt used, but I do worry sometimes.) I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
So I had a thought. I wanted to share some strategies I've learned for how to get those i's* on the chart, and I wanted to ask for your suggestions and tips on the topic as well.
Then I had another thought...this would make a good series of posts. Each post would be a different topic where we (me in the post and you in the comments) share our collective wisdom. Okay, maybe this is already what happens with some blog posts, but now I'm going to group them together under a common heading. :) It might be a good reference to go back to later. If you have ideas for topics, please tell me! What things have you been dying to ask a group of IFers? (anonymously, even)
And because a series needs a fun image...
The question of the day: How do you manage to get an adequate frequency of acts of intercourse during the fertile days each cycle?
So here's what I've learned along the way... I'm trying to keep these points as "generic" as possible because this is a very sensitive and personal issue.
First a note about how I word things. With Creighton, we talk about choosing days for intercourse or "using" days. That's what I mean below when I say "use a day." We also talk about the i's written on the chart (i = intercourse that day).
1. The first piece of advice comes from the back of the Creighton chart: "Abstain until good mucus is present." This is especially recommended if there is a low sperm count, but I've found it helpful for any IF couple. By abstaining for a certain number of days before the good mucus starts (for example, seven days or the entire pre-peak phase starting on CD1), it can build up some anticipation making it easier to use the fertile days (and more of them). When you're using NFP to avoid a pregnancy, you'll hear about a mini "honeymoon phase" that supposedly happens on peak+4 in each cycle because it's the beginning of the infertile phase of the cycle. So it's like that but at a different time of the cycle. Personally, following this instruction has helped us a lot.
2. Keep your husband updated during the day if you see good mucus. Let him know as soon as possible after you observe it. That way he has more time to mentally prepare. If he has a stressful job, long hours, or comes home tired, he might want to know ahead of time (before he gets home from work) that he should save a little energy for later. And it also means you're not springing, "I had 10KL today," on him when he's going to bed and is completely exhausted. The plus side of using Creighton is that if an e-mail or text message of "10KL" is accidentally seen by a coworker, they won't have a clue what it means. Or if you're at work and on the phone with him at lunch and you say, "Hey, it's 10KL today," the person overhearing you doesn't know what you're talking about. (unless of course you work with other Creighton users...then you obviously need a different code) :)
3. Another piece of advice from the back of the Creighton chart: "Use the days of best quality and quantity [of mucus] and the first two days after." If you see mucus that fits that description, make an extra effort to use that day. If you can use more than one day in a row, great. If not, try to make it a goal to aim for every other day. That takes the pressure off of both of you to use every good mucus day. That "break" day in between can be really helpful...knowing that you get the night off, so to speak, ahead of time can relieve some stress that can build up over getting i's on the chart. If there are cycles where you don't get to every other day, try not to beat yourself up too much. (I've done that.) Just try again next time.
A little story... When I was first learning to be a Creighton practitioner, I had a supervisor review all my client cases. I had an IF client. Most cycles there was only one act of intercourse during the fertile time, and it wasn't often on one of the best mucus days. My supervisor asked me if I had discussed the instruction on the back of the chart (about using the best quality/quantity mucus days) with the client. I told her I had, but the client gave many excuses why they couldn't manage more than one i per (mucus) cycle. My supervisor told me to ask the client, "How badly do you want to get pregnant?" I told her I knew the answer would be, "We want it more than anything!" The client had cried in front of me during a follow up because she was so frustrated that they weren't pregnant. My supervisor told me to point out to the client, "Your actions don't match your desire. If you tell me you really really really want to be pregnant, then your actions had better indicate that. You need to work harder if you want to reach your goal of pregnancy--meaning you need to plan multiple acts of intercourse during the fertile time. Waiting until the conditions are perfect and you're both well-rested and in the mood is not good enough. You can't rely on spontaneity anymore. You need to put in the effort."
What my supervisor said made sense. She had many years of experience working with IF couples under her belt, so I knew the advice was trustworthy. I am also pretty sure she had to personally use her own advice because she faced quite a few years of secondary infertility herself.
4. Go on a date or do something romantic on the fertile days. Turn off all the lights and eat dinner by candlelight. Do something not in your normal routine to create a romantic atmosphere. Show your husband you love him in his love language. Ask him to do the same for you. (Are you familiar with the five love languages?) If he appreciates acts of service, do a chore for him you know he hates doing. If he likes gifts, get him something. If he likes quality time, carve out part of the evening to do something together or just sit on the couch and talk. Start as early in the day as possible with these gestures if you can.
If you need more ideas, google "Moxie Wife." It's a Catholic blog, and she often has ideas to spice up marriage and increase the romance.
5. Use different times of the day. Ask your husband what time of day he prefers. Tell him what you prefer. Sometimes switching up what time you use (morning vs. afternoon/dinner time vs. bedtime) can help, either because it's different from your usual routine or because it's a more preferred time of day. I remember one client I had where the wife worked a night shift and the husband worked first shift. They just couldn't find the time where they were both awake and not exhausted. I asked the husband if it would be okay if his wife woke him up when she got home (in the middle of the night). He said he had never thought about it, but was open to the idea. It ended up working well for them.
6. Minimize or eliminate obstacles. What are your "excuses" for not having more i's on the chart? Identify them and see if you can overcome them. If it's related to being too busy, can you keep your schedule clear during the fertile time? If it's related to being too tired, can you try to go to bed earlier? If there's other stress in your life, figure out how to reduce it or manage it better.
7. I went back and forth on this one--should I include it or not? Is it too scandalous? Tell me if it is and I'll delete it. I think it's helpful advice though...
For those days you know you really should try to use...
This piece of advice is from a very perceptive friend of mine when she was engaged (and chaste). We were talking about IF and NaPro. (She was very familiar with CrMS and NaPro since she charted and had surgery for endo prior to this conversation.) She paused for a moment and then out of the blue said, "It must be hard sometimes to use the best days, especially if you're being treated with NaPro and you know you really should but you might not be in the mood." I nodded in agreement. Unprompted, she continued, "I guess on those days you just have to completely focus on your husband and do everything that pleases him. Like you have to try to be really unselfish and focus all your attention on him." I'm pretty sure she had read "Love and Responsibility" by Pope John Paul II before he was pope, so I think that helped her come to that conclusion. I'm still impressed that she said that. I think she's absolutely right.
8. If the stress of TTC is getting to be too much, consider and pray about taking a break for a cycle or more. When you're taking meds for TTC, especially those to induce ovulation or that are expensive, it's best to discuss this before taking those meds for the cycle. I take my Clomid on CD3, so if we were going to take a break for a cycle, we would want to decide that before CD3, not on the first good mucus day on CD11. If you're not on those kinds of meds, then you could make a decision to take a break closer to when the fertile time begins.
Okay, your turn. What's your best advice? I'm ready to soak up your wisdom. :)
*In case the misplacement of apostrophes drives you up the wall too, I learned that it's correct to write the plural of a lowercase letter with an apostrophe, at least according to a certain major manual of style. When you're trying to write the plural of i you also need the apostrophe to prevent ambiguity..." 'is' on the chart" just doesn't work when I mean more than one i.
Monday, April 29, 2013
IF girl goes to confession
I brace myself a bit before going to confession. Not because I dislike going (though there is the usual internal wince beforehand at the thought of telling my major faults to someone else), but because I'm going to bring up my infertility in context, and I don't know how the priest will respond. Priests are people too. They may or may not have more experience than the average person with an infertile girl. I have heard quite a range of comments in the confessional from pearls of wisdom to platitudes to comments that leave me speechless with my mouth hanging open. ("Did he really just say THAT?")
I usually go in hoping the priest decides to focus his counsel on my sins (and that fact that some of them stem from this suffering I am going through) and not try to give me advice specifically about infertility. I assume a priest would have a lot of experience in counseling someone who is suffering and sinning at the same time. The majority of the time, I am grateful for the advice and direction the priest gives me, but there have been a couple times that were not so edifying.
Here are some of the more memorable things priests have said to me during confession over the past few years.
At that point we had not conceived in nine cycles of TTC. (I could pinpoint the date because it's a parish we go to once a year, and I remember the priest specifically.) Since it was early in our IF days, the priest might have been thinking that the odds were on his side (well, DH and my side) that we'd get pregnant within the next year. Although if he meant that we'd be holding a child within a year, that only left three months to get pregnant, and that's a pretty small window. Anyway...the priest was very kind and had a gentle tone, so I remember giving him a half smile and nodding along with him. He just sounded so reassuring that this would be a very temporary situation. As soon as I left, I snapped out of the happy daze I was in. I wondered what had come over me that I believed him or that him saying that was in any way helpful... It wasn't helpful. He had no way of knowing the medical issues that were (and are still) preventing us from conceiving or how difficult they would be to treat.
Ah, patience. That seems to the be the default answer for everything. Oh, you're suffering? Just be patient, and it'll go away eventually. For many things, that might be true, but what if we never conceive? Is the priest implying I should be patient until death? He probably said that because he didn't know what else to say and wanted to say something of comfort. I really dislike platitudes about IF...
I guess it was the way it was phrased that rubbed me the wrong way. I know patience is so important in general and for IF specifically. I have had other priests tell me to pray for patience, which I have been doing for a while, and it didn't bother me when they gave me that advice.
First, let me say that after hearing a list of a person's sins, I can see how it might be a bit difficult to see the good side of a person. Hi, we've never met before three minutes ago, you can't see my face because I'm behind a screen, and I just told you the worst things about me. That's going to leave a positive and accurate impression of me as an entire person, isn't it? Anyway, if I am uptight, which I never considered myself to be before that day but now I'm wondering if I am (but who wants to admit they're uptight?), it's probably related to my personality or temperament, which would be very difficult to change. Relax? Oh, okay. I hadn't thought of that. What a logical solution! I'll just ignore all the stress and pain related to IF and act like I don't have a worry or care in the world. I'll become a different person overnight. And then I will miraculously get pregnant right away. (Because obviously we weren't relaxed when we started TTC and we didn't know we were IF...)
If there hadn't been a line of people behind me an hour long, I would have tried to tell the priest that this "relaxing will cure infertility" myth is just that, a myth. I'm not sure how charitable I would have been because as soon as he said the word relax, inside my head was screaming, "DO YOU HAVE A CLUE OF WHAT CAUSES INFERTILITY? RELAXING DOES NOT CURE ENDOMETRIOSIS OR THE INFECTION IN MY UTERUS OR ANY OTHER HOST OF GYNECOLOGIC PROBLEMS THAT CAUSE INFERTILITY." But I bit my tongue and let him talk. I was mad. (not a good way to leave confession) :( I was very glad to be behind the screen. I was also glad this was a visiting priest from another state; I would not be revisiting his confessional ever.
My pastor said this to me recently. He has known about our infertility since my first surgery two years ago and has told me periodically that he has been praying for us. (He said it again after the confession.) He doesn't know any of the medical issues specifically. I could have told him, "Well, I've never had all of my problems fixed at the same time. Surgery two years ago removed the endo, but the uterine infection wasn't treated until last summer, and by then my endo had most likely returned..." But I didn't think he needed all the details.
After he said this, he told me a story from his past about a time where he faced a difficult situation he wished were different (his mom was in the hospital for over a month at the end of her life). He said everyday he asked God to allow her to go home from the hospital so she could die at home but that if it was His will for her to remain, he would humbly accept it. He said he knew how much we wanted a child, but if God was going to allow us to continue on childless, He would want our humble submission as well. I guess I'll just trust that God does have a really good reason. :)
I like how simple this statement is and how well it sums up how God answers prayer. I really appreciate the reminder. I know that praying for children is a good thing and that they should be the natural product of marriage (assuming healthy reproductive systems), but ultimately I am praying for what I want. It feels freeing to admit that I don't need a child. I recently heard this, "If you need someone, you can't truly love them." I've been thinking about this a lot and hoping that it would help me love a child better, if we were so blessed.
This is an important reminder for when I'm going through any kind of suffering or waiting, but I think it is so key for approaching infertility. I may not get what I want or have things happen on my timeline, but I know that no matter what God is always with me and will bring me through anything.
I've never had a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother. Before TTC, I thought that devotion might increase once I became a mother because then I'd be able to relate to her more closely having that in common. It was always something I thought I'd do later. Yet this priest reminded me that I don't need to wait until I'm a mother. There is plenty about her life to ponder and be inspired by now.
These have been the IF-related comments that stand out most in my memory. What has your experience been in bringing up infertility during confession?
I usually go in hoping the priest decides to focus his counsel on my sins (and that fact that some of them stem from this suffering I am going through) and not try to give me advice specifically about infertility. I assume a priest would have a lot of experience in counseling someone who is suffering and sinning at the same time. The majority of the time, I am grateful for the advice and direction the priest gives me, but there have been a couple times that were not so edifying.
Here are some of the more memorable things priests have said to me during confession over the past few years.
Priest: I bet by this time next year you'll have a child.
At that point we had not conceived in nine cycles of TTC. (I could pinpoint the date because it's a parish we go to once a year, and I remember the priest specifically.) Since it was early in our IF days, the priest might have been thinking that the odds were on his side (well, DH and my side) that we'd get pregnant within the next year. Although if he meant that we'd be holding a child within a year, that only left three months to get pregnant, and that's a pretty small window. Anyway...the priest was very kind and had a gentle tone, so I remember giving him a half smile and nodding along with him. He just sounded so reassuring that this would be a very temporary situation. As soon as I left, I snapped out of the happy daze I was in. I wondered what had come over me that I believed him or that him saying that was in any way helpful... It wasn't helpful. He had no way of knowing the medical issues that were (and are still) preventing us from conceiving or how difficult they would be to treat.
Priest: You just have to be patient.
Ah, patience. That seems to the be the default answer for everything. Oh, you're suffering? Just be patient, and it'll go away eventually. For many things, that might be true, but what if we never conceive? Is the priest implying I should be patient until death? He probably said that because he didn't know what else to say and wanted to say something of comfort. I really dislike platitudes about IF...
I guess it was the way it was phrased that rubbed me the wrong way. I know patience is so important in general and for IF specifically. I have had other priests tell me to pray for patience, which I have been doing for a while, and it didn't bother me when they gave me that advice.
Priest: Would you describe yourself as an uptight person?
Me: ?
Priest: I think you just need to relax [and then you'll get pregnant].
Me: ?
Priest: I think you just need to relax [and then you'll get pregnant].
First, let me say that after hearing a list of a person's sins, I can see how it might be a bit difficult to see the good side of a person. Hi, we've never met before three minutes ago, you can't see my face because I'm behind a screen, and I just told you the worst things about me. That's going to leave a positive and accurate impression of me as an entire person, isn't it? Anyway, if I am uptight, which I never considered myself to be before that day but now I'm wondering if I am (but who wants to admit they're uptight?), it's probably related to my personality or temperament, which would be very difficult to change. Relax? Oh, okay. I hadn't thought of that. What a logical solution! I'll just ignore all the stress and pain related to IF and act like I don't have a worry or care in the world. I'll become a different person overnight. And then I will miraculously get pregnant right away. (Because obviously we weren't relaxed when we started TTC and we didn't know we were IF...)
If there hadn't been a line of people behind me an hour long, I would have tried to tell the priest that this "relaxing will cure infertility" myth is just that, a myth. I'm not sure how charitable I would have been because as soon as he said the word relax, inside my head was screaming, "DO YOU HAVE A CLUE OF WHAT CAUSES INFERTILITY? RELAXING DOES NOT CURE ENDOMETRIOSIS OR THE INFECTION IN MY UTERUS OR ANY OTHER HOST OF GYNECOLOGIC PROBLEMS THAT CAUSE INFERTILITY." But I bit my tongue and let him talk. I was mad. (not a good way to leave confession) :( I was very glad to be behind the screen. I was also glad this was a visiting priest from another state; I would not be revisiting his confessional ever.
Priest: I don't understand why you're not pregnant yet. God must have a really good reason for this.
My pastor said this to me recently. He has known about our infertility since my first surgery two years ago and has told me periodically that he has been praying for us. (He said it again after the confession.) He doesn't know any of the medical issues specifically. I could have told him, "Well, I've never had all of my problems fixed at the same time. Surgery two years ago removed the endo, but the uterine infection wasn't treated until last summer, and by then my endo had most likely returned..." But I didn't think he needed all the details.
After he said this, he told me a story from his past about a time where he faced a difficult situation he wished were different (his mom was in the hospital for over a month at the end of her life). He said everyday he asked God to allow her to go home from the hospital so she could die at home but that if it was His will for her to remain, he would humbly accept it. He said he knew how much we wanted a child, but if God was going to allow us to continue on childless, He would want our humble submission as well. I guess I'll just trust that God does have a really good reason. :)
Priest: God always gives us what we need...and sometimes what we want.
I like how simple this statement is and how well it sums up how God answers prayer. I really appreciate the reminder. I know that praying for children is a good thing and that they should be the natural product of marriage (assuming healthy reproductive systems), but ultimately I am praying for what I want. It feels freeing to admit that I don't need a child. I recently heard this, "If you need someone, you can't truly love them." I've been thinking about this a lot and hoping that it would help me love a child better, if we were so blessed.
Priest: We have to trust God like a little child. A child doesn't worry if his dad is going to be able to pay the rent; he just trusts that his dad will take care of him no matter what.
This is an important reminder for when I'm going through any kind of suffering or waiting, but I think it is so key for approaching infertility. I may not get what I want or have things happen on my timeline, but I know that no matter what God is always with me and will bring me through anything.
Priest: Look to Mary. She understands what it's like not to have things go according to human plans. She became pregnant before she was married. Soon after Jesus was born she had to flee to Egypt, a foreign land where she knew no one. She watched her son be crucified. Yet she still trusted God. Ask her to pray for you.
I've never had a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother. Before TTC, I thought that devotion might increase once I became a mother because then I'd be able to relate to her more closely having that in common. It was always something I thought I'd do later. Yet this priest reminded me that I don't need to wait until I'm a mother. There is plenty about her life to ponder and be inspired by now.
These have been the IF-related comments that stand out most in my memory. What has your experience been in bringing up infertility during confession?
Monday, December 13, 2010
"When are you going to have kids?" (your advice, please)
All right, ladies. I need some advice. With Christmas and New Year’s Eve fast approaching, we have several family & friend gatherings on the calendar. I know the dreaded question is coming....
So...when are you going to have kids?
Here's where you ladies come in...how do you answer that question? I want a list of options. Give me anything you can think of or anything you've said or anything you've heard someone else say. I need to feel prepared (if that is possible). hahaha
Here's where I'm at: We’ve been TTC for a year and a half. No one in my family knows that, not even my parents. I had this crazy dream of surprising them with news of a pregnancy out of the blue but obviously that hasn't happened so months and months have passed but I still want to surprise them with good news not bad news. (“Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad, we're infertile. Let me tell you the tests we’ve had done and the treatments we’ve tried…" Not a fun conversation.) Maybe I'll consider having that conversation if/when I have surgery, but not today. Thankfully my parents are not the type to ask about us having kids...
A few of my friends know we've been "having trouble" but all the friends we will see in the next few weeks (except maybe one) don't have a clue, like all my relatives. What the world (i.e. people who know me IRL) sees is this: We have been married for a few years but we have had some major "crosses" during our marriage and sometimes more than one at a time. I won't give specifics but it's the kind of stuff that makes people stop and say, "Wow. I'm sorry!" while secretly thinking, “Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that.” This summer was the first time all of those major crosses were gone. And everyone knows it. So now here we are, several months after the last big cross is lifted... If you had a friend/relative who was a faithful Catholic and NFP teacher, wouldn't you start to think, “Hmmm. I wonder when the babies will start to arrive…” Fair enough assumption. :) But I’m not sure everyone will be keeping that happy little thought where it belongs—in their heads. :) I bet the temptation to say it must be enormous but is it really asking too much to resist? It does seem like an innocent little question and obviously if someone suspected difficulty in achieving or sustaining a pregnancy they would never dream of asking a potentially hurtful question like that. But who really considers IF (or miscarriage for that matter) as a possibility for someone you know? I know it's not my default assumption...well it wasn't until we couldn't conceive...now it is definitely on my radar. Even while working with couples struggling to have a child, I still assumed normal fertility for anyone I knew...maybe I was just hoping that they wouldn't have to deal with the hardships of IF or miscarriage. Anyway, my point is: Who has IF in the back of her mind when thinking about another couple’s fertility? Probably not many people.
Case in point: A friend I last saw in the summer patted my tummy and said, “The next time I see you, there better be a baby in there.” She is the sweetest girl, and if she had any idea of our experience, she would never have said that. But she is super fertile (and is surrounded by others who haven't had trouble conceiving) so I'm guessing she just assumed we wouldn't have any trouble TTC either.
I guess the reason I'm asking for advice on what to say is that I am pretty sensitive. I have heard the stories of what other IF ladies have had to listen to (unsolicited advice on how to have a baby, insensitive remarks, etc.), and I'm not sure I can handle that emotionally...which is why only a few super trustworthy friends IRL know. This doesn't apply to my immediate family...I really just want to surprise them, and it’s not so much of a surprise if they know you're TTC. (So if I haven’t told my family, it must mean I still have hope…right? Right!) ;) There has been plenty of grief and tears with IF already...I'm just trying to protect my heart from some more (avoidable?) pain.
So any responses you can share to the question above would be most appreciated. :) Especially kind-sounding, please-don’t-ever-bring-up-the-topic-with-me-again responses would be great. You ladies are the best. Thanks in advance. :)
So...when are you going to have kids?
Here's where you ladies come in...how do you answer that question? I want a list of options. Give me anything you can think of or anything you've said or anything you've heard someone else say. I need to feel prepared (if that is possible). hahaha
Here's where I'm at: We’ve been TTC for a year and a half. No one in my family knows that, not even my parents. I had this crazy dream of surprising them with news of a pregnancy out of the blue but obviously that hasn't happened so months and months have passed but I still want to surprise them with good news not bad news. (“Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad, we're infertile. Let me tell you the tests we’ve had done and the treatments we’ve tried…" Not a fun conversation.) Maybe I'll consider having that conversation if/when I have surgery, but not today. Thankfully my parents are not the type to ask about us having kids...
A few of my friends know we've been "having trouble" but all the friends we will see in the next few weeks (except maybe one) don't have a clue, like all my relatives. What the world (i.e. people who know me IRL) sees is this: We have been married for a few years but we have had some major "crosses" during our marriage and sometimes more than one at a time. I won't give specifics but it's the kind of stuff that makes people stop and say, "Wow. I'm sorry!" while secretly thinking, “Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that.” This summer was the first time all of those major crosses were gone. And everyone knows it. So now here we are, several months after the last big cross is lifted... If you had a friend/relative who was a faithful Catholic and NFP teacher, wouldn't you start to think, “Hmmm. I wonder when the babies will start to arrive…” Fair enough assumption. :) But I’m not sure everyone will be keeping that happy little thought where it belongs—in their heads. :) I bet the temptation to say it must be enormous but is it really asking too much to resist? It does seem like an innocent little question and obviously if someone suspected difficulty in achieving or sustaining a pregnancy they would never dream of asking a potentially hurtful question like that. But who really considers IF (or miscarriage for that matter) as a possibility for someone you know? I know it's not my default assumption...well it wasn't until we couldn't conceive...now it is definitely on my radar. Even while working with couples struggling to have a child, I still assumed normal fertility for anyone I knew...maybe I was just hoping that they wouldn't have to deal with the hardships of IF or miscarriage. Anyway, my point is: Who has IF in the back of her mind when thinking about another couple’s fertility? Probably not many people.
Case in point: A friend I last saw in the summer patted my tummy and said, “The next time I see you, there better be a baby in there.” She is the sweetest girl, and if she had any idea of our experience, she would never have said that. But she is super fertile (and is surrounded by others who haven't had trouble conceiving) so I'm guessing she just assumed we wouldn't have any trouble TTC either.
I guess the reason I'm asking for advice on what to say is that I am pretty sensitive. I have heard the stories of what other IF ladies have had to listen to (unsolicited advice on how to have a baby, insensitive remarks, etc.), and I'm not sure I can handle that emotionally...which is why only a few super trustworthy friends IRL know. This doesn't apply to my immediate family...I really just want to surprise them, and it’s not so much of a surprise if they know you're TTC. (So if I haven’t told my family, it must mean I still have hope…right? Right!) ;) There has been plenty of grief and tears with IF already...I'm just trying to protect my heart from some more (avoidable?) pain.
So any responses you can share to the question above would be most appreciated. :) Especially kind-sounding, please-don’t-ever-bring-up-the-topic-with-me-again responses would be great. You ladies are the best. Thanks in advance. :)
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