All right, ladies. I need some advice. With Christmas and New Year’s Eve fast approaching, we have several family & friend gatherings on the calendar. I know the dreaded question is coming....
So...when are you going to have kids?
Here's where you ladies come in...how do you answer that question? I want a list of options. Give me anything you can think of or anything you've said or anything you've heard someone else say. I need to feel prepared (if that is possible). hahaha
Here's where I'm at: We’ve been TTC for a year and a half. No one in my family knows that, not even my parents. I had this crazy dream of surprising them with news of a pregnancy out of the blue but obviously that hasn't happened so months and months have passed but I still want to surprise them with good news not bad news. (“Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad, we're infertile. Let me tell you the tests we’ve had done and the treatments we’ve tried…" Not a fun conversation.) Maybe I'll consider having that conversation if/when I have surgery, but not today. Thankfully my parents are not the type to ask about us having kids...
A few of my friends know we've been "having trouble" but all the friends we will see in the next few weeks (except maybe one) don't have a clue, like all my relatives. What the world (i.e. people who know me IRL) sees is this: We have been married for a few years but we have had some major "crosses" during our marriage and sometimes more than one at a time. I won't give specifics but it's the kind of stuff that makes people stop and say, "Wow. I'm sorry!" while secretly thinking, “Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that.” This summer was the first time all of those major crosses were gone. And everyone knows it. So now here we are, several months after the last big cross is lifted... If you had a friend/relative who was a faithful Catholic and NFP teacher, wouldn't you start to think, “Hmmm. I wonder when the babies will start to arrive…” Fair enough assumption. :) But I’m not sure everyone will be keeping that happy little thought where it belongs—in their heads. :) I bet the temptation to say it must be enormous but is it really asking too much to resist? It does seem like an innocent little question and obviously if someone suspected difficulty in achieving or sustaining a pregnancy they would never dream of asking a potentially hurtful question like that. But who really considers IF (or miscarriage for that matter) as a possibility for someone you know? I know it's not my default assumption...well it wasn't until we couldn't conceive...now it is definitely on my radar. Even while working with couples struggling to have a child, I still assumed normal fertility for anyone I knew...maybe I was just hoping that they wouldn't have to deal with the hardships of IF or miscarriage. Anyway, my point is: Who has IF in the back of her mind when thinking about another couple’s fertility? Probably not many people.
Case in point: A friend I last saw in the summer patted my tummy and said, “The next time I see you, there better be a baby in there.” She is the sweetest girl, and if she had any idea of our experience, she would never have said that. But she is super fertile (and is surrounded by others who haven't had trouble conceiving) so I'm guessing she just assumed we wouldn't have any trouble TTC either.
I guess the reason I'm asking for advice on what to say is that I am pretty sensitive. I have heard the stories of what other IF ladies have had to listen to (unsolicited advice on how to have a baby, insensitive remarks, etc.), and I'm not sure I can handle that emotionally...which is why only a few super trustworthy friends IRL know. This doesn't apply to my immediate family...I really just want to surprise them, and it’s not so much of a surprise if they know you're TTC. (So if I haven’t told my family, it must mean I still have hope…right? Right!) ;) There has been plenty of grief and tears with IF already...I'm just trying to protect my heart from some more (avoidable?) pain.
So any responses you can share to the question above would be most appreciated. :) Especially kind-sounding, please-don’t-ever-bring-up-the-topic-with-me-again responses would be great. You ladies are the best. Thanks in advance. :)
We always tried to use our IF as an opportunity to witness to others on being open to life. So we'd say "We're open to whatever God wants for us! So whenever he sends them, we're ready!" My husband's favorite line was always "We're not doing anything to stop them from coming!"
ReplyDeleteI know everyone handles it differently, but we were just always very open about it so that 1) others might see that there are couples out there that are open to life and 2)to raise awareness of IF because there is so much ignorance which comes off as insensitivity regarding IF. I don't think it's fair for us to be offended by others' comments if we haven't let them in on the fact that we're struggling. Does that make sense? Again, this is probably a hotly debated topic but that's where we were with it all.
I hope you find advice that helps you get through all of your family and friend Christmas parties. This is SUCH a hard time for IFers. Keeping you in prayer :)
Hmm, until we adopted we were in the same situation as you, practically no one knew about our IF. When people asked, "when are you going to have kids" I would just said "I don't know" and walked away or changed the subject. That was it. It worked for me.
ReplyDeleteWe seem to have similar situations...I still haven't told the hubs family and I don't want to after how it went down telling my family. I totally wanted the "surprise!" thing too but, I guess we'll still have to hold out if we want that one. Our patented response that I let my husband say is "When God decides". It gets people off your back because only the densest ones don't understand and being an NFP teaching couple already, people likely know you don't use BC. I think that sends more than a strong enough hint that you're not controlling it.
ReplyDeleteI am giving myself prep talks too to get myself pumped up and not emotional about it. I would love to be able to not just crumple when they ask me but be able to come up with a response. I keep saying "Nothing is wrong with you. You're where God wants you. Be strong." I hope it works for both of us!
I'm with Second Chance's comment too. It sucks that we're the special chosen ones that get to witness this way but by golly, we're going to do it. Or I'm going to let my husband do it while I try not to cry. He's better at things like that. I highly recommend delegating if at all possible.
ReplyDeleteI agree that Second Chance's comment seems to be enough to stop the questions, while not giving too much information about your personal struggles. I would try that.
ReplyDeleteBut when it came to me personally, I used to tell people, IF they asked, that I had been trying for x amount of time... then that inevitably lead to disclosing more info about my diagnoses, etc. I didn't walk around with an "I'm Infertile, How 'Bout You?" t-shirt or anything, but if it was asked, I was blunt and honest. I didn't mind people knowing, and more often than not, there was always a "Oh, me too!" or "Oh, I have a good friend who's been trying..." and then I'd end up with a client out of it ;) Hehe!
I guess I'm "lucky" in the sense that we use DH's grad school excuse. I know it's not really true, because we're not technically waiting until he graduates, but I usually respond with "gotta get that hubby through school first!" although we can only use that excuse for five more months. Technically, we had originally planned to wait until he graduated...so I'm just leaving out the part where we changed our plan. :)
ReplyDeleteWe have a large family and so we get this question from the other side..."Are you going to have more kids?" My stop them in their tracks never ask me again answer is "Are you seriously asking me whether or not I'm planning to have sex with my husband? Because that's what it sounds like to me."
ReplyDeleteIf it's someone I want to keep things on a lighter footing with, then I holler to my husband, "Hey, Ben, so-and-so wants to know when we're going to have sex. What should I tell them?" He always has a smart-aleck response to me that makes people laugh and change the subject.
It just reminds them of how personal a question that it really is. Several people have told me that they'll never ask it again. So..a bit of community service, too.
hebrews - that's funny you use that too! as i mentioned, my husband's family doesn't know anything yet but i had a conversation with his MIL once and while I know she'd love grandkids years ago (we're the only hope right now) she'd already reasoned that we were waiting until one year after I graduate so we can save all the money I make from working! That buys us at least a year and a half!
ReplyDeleteThank you, all of you, for your suggestions. I appreciate them so much!!
ReplyDeleteI admit my natural tendency is to keep any struggle I have a secret, hence my desire not to tell anyone except a select few about our IF. Also, not wanting to cry at a large social gathering is a big deterrent for me. ;) But you ladies reminded me that we still have to be witnesses for openness to life. I think that perspective will help me not get so emotional about it. How easy it was to say (without tearing up) we’ll take as many children as God wants to send us whenever He sends them before IF came along!!
Hebrews, we “hid” behind the major cross we which we faced (until this summer) kind of like your DH’s grad school excuse. It was nice because people just assumed we were avoiding pregnancy because of that so they didn’t really bring up the subject at all. Now I feel so “exposed”—we have nothing to hide behind anymore!
aka the Mom, that is great. If I were 1000 times more outgoing than I am and had kids, I would say that exact thing. I can just imagine people’s faces if those words came out of my mouth…I think they would die of shock! hahahaha I wonder what the equivalent IF response would be?
Matching Moonheads, if you don’t mind sharing, what happened when you told your family? Or did you blog about it already? I do like delegating…DH has already fielded the question the two times someone asked us. He is willing to continue with that responsibility…I asked him. :)
I actually had a nurse at DD's doc appointment say to her, "You need a brother or sister"... oh I think my face went a thousand shades of red... what I wanted to say was "Lady, you have no idea. We have been trying and trying..want to know about the babies we've lost?" But of course I kept my mouth shut and nodded and smiled as if to say I would get right on that.
ReplyDeleteAfter that instance, I realized I needed to be prepared to say something, so I just started telling people. Sometimes even complete strangers, if they'd ask..."Oh yes, well we've been trying to add to our family...I've been pregnant x number of times"...and that will either shut them up (and make them think) or it will open them up to sensitively asking more. And I usually don't mind sharing...I agree with Second Chances that it can be a conversation starter for sharing openness to life and also for sharing our receptivity to God's plan even when His plan is our cross.
Praying for you!