Hematologist is history

Hooray!  :)  The hematologist Dr. D called me this week and said my repeat heme labs were normal!  He attributes the previous abnormal values to the uterine strep infection that I had at the time my blood was drawn.  That infection is gone now according to these new labs.  He said there is no reason for me to follow up with him anymore.  I don't have a clotting disorder!  Praise the Lord!

So do you know what this means?  (Besides me not having a chronic illness or extra risk for any future surgery...both of which are a relief to me...)

We are back to TTC!!

Now wait just a second.  Before you get too excited, let me remind you...I mean, me (I need this reminder more than you)...that not much has changed since the last time we were TTC, except the elimination of a pesky strep infection in my uterus.  Whether that infection was the only remaining impediment to conception remains to be seen.  Realistically I don't know if that will make the difference for me.  Can you see how I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high?  hahaha  I know infection can definitely be a factor, but is it the factor for me?  If you had to measure it—and I do like numbers—my hope just might be a few percentage points higher than it was the last time we were TTC.  :) 

I want to believe it's possible to conceive now, but it seems like taking an antibiotic to "cure" my infertility is taking the easy way out.  In my head, I think I won't have "earned my stripes" as an IFer unless I have surgery.  Is that a silly thought?  Yes, of course.  It's not a competition who can endure the hardest treatment.  Do I want to have surgery?  Nooooooo.  Is surgery the next step?  Probably.  Or at least that's what Dr. C said the last time I saw him.  When I e-mailed him about these latest heme results, he seemed to have forgotten the plan he told me in September.  (DH said to go easy on him because he probably has tons of patients and didn't remember my case specifically.)  I will be sure to remind him in January when I see him next...  ;)

Since we're back to TTC, this also means resuming HCG!  While I'm not so fond of the injection part, I CANNOT wait to have relief from PMS again.  Seriously, HCG is like liquid gold to me.  This past cycle I wasn't on anything post-peak (not even oral progesterone which I've been taking for years), and I was pretty much a monster.  hahaha  (It's only funny after the fact, of course.)  Poor DH.

So back to the topic of TTC...

These last four cycles where we've been taking a doctor-requested break from TTC have been interesting.  At first it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of the arrival of CD1.  CD1 came, and I didn't bat an eye or shed a tear.  It was nice.  Really nice.  No huge emotional crash with the start of a new cycle.  It was almost like living back in the pre-IF days.  (ahhh, ignorant bliss)  ;)  That lasted maybe the first cycle or two.  Then every once in while (usually at Mass) I would spontaneously think of something IF-related and then...cue the uncontrollable tears.  It was totally unpredictable.  It was also confusing because I reasoned that there was no possible way to be pregnant at that time, so I shouldn't be so emotional.  However, my heart didn't "forget" that we were still IF, even though we stopped TTC for a few cycles.  By the third break cycle, I was getting antsy.  I'd had enough of this "avoiding" pregnancy...we couldn't conceive using the fertile days before...why should it be any different now?  With all the waiting it seemed like we were wasting time and weren't making any progress.  (Granted it's hard to make progress between doctor appointments...)  ;)  I am learning patience...slowly.  hahaha

Now that we're back to TTC I don't know where my emotions are headed...back on the roller coaster, I suppose.  I feel like these past few cycles have been a way to emotionally take a deep breath and relax a bit...kind of like getting rejuvenated for the next stretch.  Now I'm ready to go again!  I don't know if we'll get pregnant anytime soon, but I am excited to at least try.  :)  This cycle will be a challenge since the entire fertile time will occur while traveling...and the bedroom we're staying in has a squeaky mattress and a door that doesn't close completely.  This bedroom is also sandwiched between two other bedrooms whose doors will not be closed as the occupants sleep.  Hmmm...I'm not sure how we're going to pull this off.  I guess there's always next cycle...  ;)

In addition to our TTC break, I think Advent has been really helpful for restoring some emotional sanity.  Praying for my first-ever prayer buddy has been a wonderful experience...it definitely moved the focus off of me and my desires.

I need to say though that whoever is praying for me must have some powerful prayers.  Let me tell you what happened a few days ago.  I had a breakthrough of sorts.  I was reflecting on what lessons infertility has taught me, and I could not fathom how else I would have learned them.  And I was filled with a deep sense of gratitude at having my eyes opened to those lessons...how privileged I was to learn them...how lots of other people don't have this opportunity...so I prayed:  "Thank you, God, for my infertility.  Thank you so much."  And I meant it.  Am I crazy?  (Wait, don't answer that.)  In a brief moment, I felt "free" of my infertility—like it didn't matter at all if God chose to take it away or let me keep it.  Total peace.  For a second...maybe two.  :)  That is not to say I still don't desire to have children with my whole heart—I definitely do.  But I got a tiny glimpse of peace...now how do I make that come back?  :)  So, thank you in advance, dear prayer buddy, for all your prayers this Advent.  And thank you to all of you who have also have prayed for me.  Please know I am praying for you, too.  :)