Thank you x10^6

I'd like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who prayed for me during April for Adopt-a-Blogger.  You definitely made my cross lighter this month.  I am so grateful for this community.  I continue to hold all of you close to my heart, and I will keep praying for those who asked for specific prayers.

IF girl goes to confession

I brace myself a bit before going to confession. Not because I dislike going (though there is the usual internal wince beforehand at the thought of telling my major faults to someone else), but because I'm going to bring up my infertility in context, and I don't know how the priest will respond. Priests are people too. They may or may not have more experience than the average person with an infertile girl. I have heard quite a range of comments in the confessional from pearls of wisdom to platitudes to comments that leave me speechless with my mouth hanging open. ("Did he really just say THAT?")

I usually go in hoping the priest decides to focus his counsel on my sins (and that fact that some of them stem from this suffering I am going through) and not try to give me advice specifically about infertility. I assume a priest would have a lot of experience in counseling someone who is suffering and sinning at the same time. The majority of the time, I am grateful for the advice and direction the priest gives me, but there have been a couple times that were not so edifying.

Here are some of the more memorable things priests have said to me during confession over the past few years.

Priest:  I bet by this time next year you'll have a child.

At that point we had not conceived in nine cycles of TTC.  (I could pinpoint the date because it's a parish we go to once a year, and I remember the priest specifically.)  Since it was early in our IF days, the priest might have been thinking that the odds were on his side (well, DH and my side) that we'd get pregnant within the next year.  Although if he meant that we'd be holding a child within a year, that only left three months to get pregnant, and that's a pretty small window.  Anyway...the priest was very kind and had a gentle tone, so I remember giving him a half smile and nodding along with him.  He just sounded so reassuring that this would be a very temporary situation.  As soon as I left, I snapped out of the happy daze I was in.  I wondered what had come over me that I believed him or that him saying that was in any way helpful...  It wasn't helpful.  He had no way of knowing the medical issues that were (and are still) preventing us from conceiving or how difficult they would be to treat.

Priest:  You just have to be patient.

Ah, patience.  That seems to the be the default answer for everything.  Oh, you're suffering?  Just be patient, and it'll go away eventually.  For many things, that might be true, but what if we never conceive?  Is the priest implying I should be patient until death?  He probably said that because he didn't know what else to say and wanted to say something of comfort.  I really dislike platitudes about IF...

I guess it was the way it was phrased that rubbed me the wrong way.  I know patience is so important in general and for IF specifically.  I have had other priests tell me to pray for patience, which I have been doing for a while, and it didn't bother me when they gave me that advice.

Priest: Would you describe yourself as an uptight person?
Me: ?
Priest:  I think you just need to relax [and then you'll get pregnant].

First, let me say that after hearing a list of a person's sins, I can see how it might be a bit difficult to see the good side of a person.  Hi, we've never met before three minutes ago, you can't see my face because I'm behind a screen, and I just told you the worst things about me.  That's going to leave a positive and accurate impression of me as an entire person, isn't it?  Anyway, if I am uptight, which I never considered myself to be before that day but now I'm wondering if I am (but who wants to admit they're uptight?), it's probably related to my personality or temperament, which would be very difficult to change.  Relax?  Oh, okay.  I hadn't thought of that.  What a logical solution!  I'll just ignore all the stress and pain related to IF and act like I don't have a worry or care in the world.  I'll become a different person overnight.  And then I will miraculously get pregnant right away.  (Because obviously we weren't relaxed when we started TTC and we didn't know we were IF...)

If there hadn't been a line of people behind me an hour long, I would have tried to tell the priest that this "relaxing will cure infertility" myth is just that, a myth.  I'm not sure how charitable I would have been because as soon as he said the word relax, inside my head was screaming, "DO YOU HAVE A CLUE OF WHAT CAUSES INFERTILITY?  RELAXING DOES NOT CURE ENDOMETRIOSIS OR THE INFECTION IN MY UTERUS OR ANY OTHER HOST OF GYNECOLOGIC PROBLEMS THAT CAUSE INFERTILITY."  But I bit my tongue and let him talk.  I was mad.  (not a good way to leave confession)  :(  I was very glad to be behind the screen.  I was also glad this was a visiting priest from another state; I would not be revisiting his confessional ever.

Priest: I don't understand why you're not pregnant yet.  God must have a really good reason for this.

My pastor said this to me recently.  He has known about our infertility since my first surgery two years ago and has told me periodically that he has been praying for us.  (He said it again after the confession.)  He doesn't know any of the medical issues specifically.  I could have told him, "Well, I've never had all of my problems fixed at the same time.  Surgery two years ago removed the endo, but the uterine infection wasn't treated until last summer, and by then my endo had most likely returned..."  But I didn't think he needed all the details.

After he said this, he told me a story from his past about a time where he faced a difficult situation he wished were different (his mom was in the hospital for over a month at the end of her life).  He said everyday he asked God to allow her to go home from the hospital so she could die at home but that if it was His will for her to remain, he would humbly accept it.  He said he knew how much we wanted a child, but if God was going to allow us to continue on childless, He would want our humble submission as well.  I guess I'll just trust that God does have a really good reason.  :)

Priest: God always gives us what we need...and sometimes what we want.

I like how simple this statement is and how well it sums up how God answers prayer.  I really appreciate the reminder.  I know that praying for children is a good thing and that they should be the natural product of marriage (assuming healthy reproductive systems), but ultimately I am praying for what I want.  It feels freeing to admit that I don't need a child.  I recently heard this, "If you need someone, you can't truly love them."  I've been thinking about this a lot and hoping that it would help me love a child better, if we were so blessed.

Priest: We have to trust God like a little child.  A child doesn't worry if his dad is going to be able to pay the rent; he just trusts that his dad will take care of him no matter what.

This is an important reminder for when I'm going through any kind of suffering or waiting, but I think it is so key for approaching infertility.  I may not get what I want or have things happen on my timeline, but I know that no matter what God is always with me and will bring me through anything.

Priest: Look to Mary.  She understands what it's like not to have things go according to human plans.  She became pregnant before she was married.  Soon after Jesus was born she had to flee to Egypt, a foreign land where she knew no one.  She watched her son be crucified.  Yet she still trusted God.  Ask her to pray for you.

I've never had a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother.  Before TTC, I thought that devotion might increase once I became a mother because then I'd be able to relate to her more closely having that in common.  It was always something I thought I'd do later.  Yet this priest reminded me that I don't need to wait until I'm a mother.  There is plenty about her life to ponder and be inspired by now. 



These have been the IF-related comments that stand out most in my memory.  What has your experience been in bringing up infertility during confession?

Maybe next cycle

So I spent the last two days of the cycle like this:

I had no early pregnancy symptoms, so I convinced myself I wasn't pregnant.  I started to get a little hopeful when AF hadn't shown up when I went to bed on P+14.  (On HCG, my post-peak phase is 13-14 days.)

The next morning (P+15) I decided to take my temperature when I woke up. I know what my temperature usually is post-peak (due to monitoring it occasionally for T3) and that it drops significantly right before AF starts. I didn't want to deal with the drama of waiting anymore, so I figured my temperature would just give it to me straight. My temperature was the same as it was when I took it on P+4 (for T3).

That meant AF wasn't coming on P+15. I stared at the thermometer in disbelief.

I spent the entire day like the picture above.

When I woke up on P+16, it felt like AF had already started. I didn't want to get out of bed. I took my temperature again. It was 0.3 degrees lower than the day before. That's not much of a drop. Silly thermometer. I was confused why it wasn't lower.

I went to the bathroom to face the music...and there was no AF. I was in shock. I started to get excited.

Mid-afternoon came. Still no AF. I was more excited. I may or may not have visited the bathroom every two hours whether I needed to or not just to see if AF had come...

Finally right before dinner I saw some brown spotting. I was really bummed. And mad at myself for hoping. I still had a tiny irrational bit of hope because it was only spotting. But by bedtime it was clear that AF was here. I didn't take it well. I haven't cried that hard in a while. Rationally I know it's only the first cycle since surgery, but it doesn't erase the weight of all the previous cycles ending with a BFN.

DH is ever the optimist about us conceiving someday. Almost every time CD1 arrives, he says to me, "Maybe next cycle." He said it to me last night in an attempt to comfort me. I'm glad he could remind me that this is not the end of the world, even though things look pretty bleak on CD1.

The good news is that I had very minimal menstrual pain so far. There was just a little achy bloating on CD1 and that was it--a definite improvement from last month. Today was CD2, and I had no pain at all.

So now I wait to hear back from PPVI for my cycle review to see if Dr. K wants to try something else for the TEBB.

 ~ * ~

"...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." ~Revelation 7:17

Novena to St. Gianna

Painting of St. Gianna at the
Shrine of Lady of Guadalupe
in La Crosse, WI

St. Gianna's feast day is coming up on April 28th.  She is a much-beloved patron saint of infertility.  The miracle which led to her canonization happened to a woman who was 16 weeks pregnant.  Her placenta tore, and the amniotic fluid drained out.  The doctors said the baby had no chance of survival.  Through the intercession of St. Gianna, the baby was born healthy.  The mother named the little girl Gianna.  (She turns 13 next month.)

I'm going to pray a novena to St. Gianna for all those waiting to hold children of their own in their arms.  I'll be praying for all the lovely ladies who have IF blogs (that I know of), a few IRL acquaintances and clients, everyone in the FB group, and anyone who reads my blog.  If you don't have a blog (or if you do) and you'd like me to pray for you by name, please leave your name and any information about yourself you'd like to share in the comments.  Or you can e-mail me; see the e-mail tab above.  While many of you are praying for me this month for Adopt-A-Blogger, I would like to pray for all of you.

The novena is below.  It starts on Friday, April 19 and ends on April 27.

(Interesting random fact of the day:  Did you know that the number nine is the number of imperfection (ten is perfect), so it's fitting that a novena lasts nine days because it is "man's imperfection turned in prayer to God?"  St. Jerome said, "The number nine in Holy Writ is indicative of suffering and grief."  source    I didn't know that before today.)

Novena To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta Molla

God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.

We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.

Glory be …

Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You.

We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.

Glory be…

God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You.

We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.

Glory be…

O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.

Hail Mary…

Back to the regular program

I'm calling my first full cycle after surgery my mulligan cycle. I'm going to ignore that it happened. I can do that, right? ;) I'm blaming the craziness on the fact that my body was recovering from minor major surgery and didn't know which end was up. It turned out to be super short, just 20 days long. The post-peak phase (PPP) was only 9 days and ended with four days of premenstrual spotting, which I never have. My PPP without HCG is normally 12-13 days, so this was unusual. I didn't do a P+7 blood draw because we weren't TTC, but if I had, my progesterone would have probably been abysmal. I thought the doctor's order to avoid during that cycle was just so my body could heal physically, but it appears I needed time to heal hormonally too. I hope my body got all this nonsense out of its system and is ready to get back on track.

Thankfully this cycle does seem like I am back to normal. I only had moderate pain on and off for a few hours on CD1, a big improvement from last cycle. Hopefully the pain will continue to decrease over time. After my surgery two years ago, my periods were completely pain free, so I know it's possible. I had a good mucus build-up, and I didn't even take any mucus enhancers to offset the potential drying effect of Clomid. I'm feeling maxed out with the number of pills I swallow everyday, so something had to give (the B6 and Mucinex). My peak day was also back where it belongs (CD15).

My old nemesis TEBB is still hanging around though. DH and I started taking a three-week course of Flagyl about a week before this cycle started, so I don't know whether there was even a chance of it affecting the TEBB this cycle with that timing. Although Flagyl is supposed to be effective at killing the type of bacteria that has invaded my uterus, I'm not holding my breath that it will work because it didn't eliminate the TEBB when we took it in the past. I suppose another theory is that last June when the IV antibiotics successfully knocked out the TEBB, a new and different bacteria took up residence which might be susceptible to the Flagyl? Maybe? I'm probably grasping at straws here. :)

Boy am I glad to be done with the Flagyl. The last time I took it I spent some quality time on my knees in the bathroom because I couldn't keep food down. At that time I was on a different medication which was likely interfering with the Flagyl, so I thought this time would be better and uneventful. While this time was better, it was a tough three weeks. Even taking the Flagyl with a meal (which was supposed to help), I still had a near-constant stomach ache, almost like nausea. My appetite was close to zero, mostly because my stomach hurt, but partially because of the metallic taste in my mouth. I would not be surprised if I lost weight (and I don't have weight to lose). With three days left--the end was in sight!--I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor again. At least it was just one night. About a day after I took my last Flagyl my appetite came back in full force. I felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks. I don't think I made up completely for the previous three weeks, but I definitely made a dent in the calories I was missing. :)

This might be as close as I get

...to a BFP.  I saw this driving around yesterday.

Really?  Is this a sign?  A joke?  A random coincidence?  Oh, if only it could be true for me.

I'm early post-peak now, so it's too soon to know anything about this cycle.

                                                                         .  .  .

Tuesday update:  Tonight I was behind a car whose license plate started with AF (it was AFF-###).  I'm really not sure what to make of these license plate signs.  They really need to be more consistent.  All these mixed messages are messing with my head.  ;)

Adopt a blogger

(my apologies for the delay of this post...Blogger's scheduling feature is not foolproof apparently...)  :)

If you're new to my blog, welcome!  TCIE has kindly chosen me to be the adopted blogger for April.

When my DH and I were first married, I dreamed of a large family (8-10 kids).  Since then my dreams have faded and have been replaced by tears.  We do enjoy our life as two, but we long to share it with children.  

We've been TTC for almost 4 years.  I've had surgery twice to remove endometriosis, and I'm 99.5% recovered from the more recent surgery in February.  I'm on many medications and supplements to treat my various deficiencies (see the right sidebar for a current list).  Surgery resets our TTC clock back to zero, but we still have yet to fix another ongoing problem (brown bleeding or TEBB).  This cycle is our first time TTC since surgery.

We haven't pursued adoption yet, but it is on our minds.  If we do decide to go down that road, it would likely not be before the end of this year.

My patron saint for 2013 is St. Jude the Apostle.  When his name appeared on the saints generator, at first I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.  He is known for being the patron saint of hopeless or lost causes.  With my current state of fertility (or lack thereof), I am glad to have such a strong intercessor praying for me.  I've also been asking him to pray for my DH to find a good job this year, which isn't a hopeless case, but will be difficult given how few openings are available in his area.

Thank you in advance for your prayers or other offerings you may make for my DH and me.  I'm so grateful to all of you!




P.S.  If you haven't started already, I hope you'll join me in praying the Divine Mercy Novena.  The Feast of Divine Mercy is one of my favorite days of the whole year.  If you're fortunate, a parish near you may have a special service this Sunday afternoon at 3 p.m.

Stations and IF

I wrote reflections on a few of the Stations of the Cross.  The text in italics is from a booklet used at our parish (author unknown).

Station 7:  Jesus falls the second time

Jesus, our brother, you must have been discouraged by your second fall. We too, know discouragement. Our best efforts end in failure. Those we love, do not seem to love us. Regardless of our efforts, life does not bring peace. What shall we do? We will imitate your example and try again, even in the face of futility.

How many times do I fall because of IF?  Doubt, despair, envy, pride...the list goes on.  It's discouraging enough to fall once, but when it happens multiple times, it gets harder to want to get up again.  Every new pregnancy announcement around me is a new chance to stumble.  I should be able to handle each one gracefully by now—I've had plenty of opportunities to practice this—yet still I fall into envy.  But if Jesus can get up again while still under the weight of the Cross, so will I try harder next time.

~*~

Station 8:  Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem

"Weep not for me, but for you and for your children."  ~Luke 23:28

Jesus, our brother, in the midst of your sufferings you had compassion for others and their pain. We are often so self-centered.  We do not see the suffering of others.  We want pity, kindness, and understanding.  We are willing to give so little in return.  Help us forget ourselves.  Awaken us to the pain in the lives of others.

How often with IF do I look inward and only see my own pain?  It's so easy to slip into thinking that my suffering is worse than everyone else's around me; others can't possibly be hurting as much as I am.  The challenge is to acknowledge the pain in someone else and respond in love, even when it's hard, like listening to a friend complain about how little sleep she's getting because she has a newborn.  I thought I was doing well by biting my tongue—I would gladly get no sleep if it meant I had a baby, and I was itching to tell my friend that—but maybe imitating Christ would mean going a step further and showing her some understanding while forgetting my pain for a second.

~*~

Station 13: Jesus is taken down from the cross

Jesus, our brother, you are laid in the arms of your mother. The agony is over. But the resurrection is not yet.  Your Father's plan requires patience. So it is with us. We reach moments when only patience can carry us on. We know that something better will come. But when? Help us share your patience and the patience of your mother.

We know the ending—Jesus triumphs.  But that doesn't mean our life looks like Easter all the time.  Much of IF looks like Good Friday.  We've been TTC for so long.  How many cycles will it take to conceive?  Will we conceive ever?  How long will we have the cross of childlessness?  Will it be life-long?  Patience is so important in learning to accept this cross.  I have to trust God that his plans for me are for my ultimate good, even if it doesn't look like what I had in mind.

Post-surgery outlook

I'm in the middle of my first new cycle since surgery.  I'm kind of glad that we're avoiding this cycle--I'm not sure my body knows what it's doing.  First there was a "peak day" on day 11, which is quite early for me.  The mucus buildup was six days, a normal length, but it wasn't great quality.  So I thought, okay, short cycles happen.  I've never had one, but I suppose there's a first time for everything.  Now I'm a few days past where I normally peak, and I've had three days of spotting.  I'm waiting for either a double peak, which would make this my longest cycle ever, or for my period to come soon, which would make this my shortest cycle ever.  It's all rather bizarre.  On the plus side, I only had four days of TEBB this cycle, so that's a mild improvement from pre-surgery cycles.

Dr. K prescribed Flagyl for DH and me.  We've both taken it before, and it didn't help the TEBB.  I was about to call and ask why we should take it again, but I decided to just take it because it is supposed to be good for treating the bacteria I have (Gram positive rods).  At this point I'm ready to go down the list of reasonable antibiotics that work against Gram positive rods until I'm pregnant or we exhaust the list.  I'm all cleaned out inside (endo, adhesion, and fibroid-wise) so this may be the best chance we've had to conceive, and I want to make the most of this time.  DH still doesn't want to do an IV so that's not on the table at this point.

I'm also trying to eliminate sugar from my diet.  Dr. K had recommended that several months ago, but I dragged my feet starting it because I didn't think I could do it right before Thanksgiving and Christmas.  (I first started eating gluten-free and dairy-free the week before Thanksgiving that year, and it wasn't a very wise decision.)  I really don't eat that much sugar on a regular basis, but the few times I do (my favorite peanut butter, for example) are proving very difficult to give up.  I figure that if I write it here, maybe it'll keep me more accountable or motivate me.  I did manage to wean myself off of sweetened almond milk before Christmas, and now I don't mind the taste of the unsweetened stuff, so that's some progress.  I don't know if I'll be able to survive Easter without anything sweet (besides fruit), but I guess I'll try.  There may be a brief consumption of the two gluten-free/dairy-free dark chocolate candy bars that are in our pantry now, but otherwise I'll try really hard.  :)

I was looking back at the time after my first surgery two years ago, and I realized I wasn't taking very many meds (naltrexone, fish oil, HCG, and B6).  Since then quite a bit has been added (see my right side bar if you're curious).  Obviously the uterine infection still needs to be treated, but I'm hoping the rest of my current meds and supplements are pushing me closer toward a healthy reproductive system that could be able to conceive.

I guess I'm hopeful in the sense that we're doing what we can medically to optimize our chances, and if God wills it, we'll get pregnant.  But if He has some other plan for us, I'm going to trust that it will be for our good.  Do I expect that I'll get pregnant?  Honestly, no.  But thankfully God doesn't need me to expect to get pregnant in order to make it happen.  I will gladly be shocked if it happens.  I'm going to do my best to take this one day or one cycle at time and not try to look too far ahead.  I know our TTC clock is being reset to zero after surgery, and with NaPro they would encourage trying for 12-18 effective cycles.  An effective cycle is a cycle that looks like a normal fertility cycle.  I don't think having TEBB counts as an effective cycle, so we may be at zero for a while until the TEBB and infection are treated.  I'm okay with that.

Maybe because it's been over 3.5 years of TTC, but I'm really not in a rush or anxious to conceive.  Yes, I wish that we had conceived already, but being impatient isn't going to make it happen any faster.  Maybe it's just one of those IF survival skills you learn after you've tried the opposite tactic for so long.  Maybe it's saying to God, "I'm tired and my way of handling things isn't bringing any peace."  Maybe it's acceptance of the cross after carrying it for so long.  Maybe it's giving up the illusion that I have (any) control enough to let God's grace in.  Maybe it's all of the above.

Nearly normal

It's been four weeks since surgery.  I'm feeling good.  I'd say I'm 95% back to normal.  I can't bend forward all the way to touch my toes but I can pick something up off the ground if I lower myself to a squat first.  It's nice not to have to use my feet to pick up things I drop.  I do recommend practicing that with your feet; it's a good skill to have.  :)  I never realized how often I drop things, especially socks, until it became a challenge to get my hand to the floor.  Cell phones are a bit tricky to pick up with feet, but manageable.  Pill bottles and water bottles are a lost cause.

I haven't taken any pain medicine since last Friday.  Yay!  My "big" scar does still ache on and off, but it's not too bad.  It protests quite a bit when I try to lie flat on my stomach but I can get by without doing that for now and just sleep on my side.

I am happy to report that my toenails are now a lovely shade of bright pink.  I thought that for my surgery two years ago I remember them saying that I couldn't have any nail polish on, so I went into this surgery with naked toenails even though I didn't see that in my instructions.  Painted toenails make me happy even if no one else sees them (and even if I'm wearing socks all day), so mine are pretty much always red or pink.  For the first two and a half weeks after surgery there was no way I could reach my toes, so it's sort of a recovery milestone that I can do that again.  :)

I'm somewhat disappointed that my first period after surgery was almost as painful as it was just before surgery.  It wasn't bad enough to require ibuprofen, but after almost three weeks of prescription-strength ibuprofen I preferred to tough it out rather than subject my stomach to more abuse.  I'm hoping the pain was at least a little related to being post-surgery and that next cycle will be better.