Some PMS drama

I don't need more drama during the post-peak phase; PMS is usually enough for me as it is. This story probably wouldn't be so bad if you took my PMS out of the picture. I thought maybe writing out what happened would make me feel better.

Things are definitely not dull here while DH is away on his business trip. I mentioned before that he put a hold on our mail so I wouldn't have to worry about it while he's gone. It's normally his job to get the mail (we live in an apartment complex) but I don't mind doing it. He just wanted one less thing on my to-do list. The thought was sweet of him. However this meant I didn't get my new meds right away, which were being mailed from the pharmacy. I wanted to get started on the LDN as soon as possible to see if it might help my PMS this cycle, and I would need the HCG for the last injection this cycle; I had some leftover in the fridge from last cycle to get me through part of this cycle.

So I called the post office toll-free number to find out where our mail was being held. I managed to get to that particular post office before it closed on Friday. I waited in a long line only to find out when it was my turn that our mail was being held across town. :( I had 15 minutes to get there before they closed for the weekend. I tried not to panic even though it was rush hour. I arrived with a few minutes to spare and joined several others in line. When I got to the front of the line the clerk took down my info and went in the back to retrieve our mail. She couldn't find it. Neither could another worker. I said I was waiting for a package which would be harder to miss than just an envelope. The second lady said they have problems sometimes with hold requests made online, so she said she'd contact the mail carrier on our route and call me if she found out anything. I left with the sinking feeling I wouldn't be able to get either of the medications in time. I was upset. How ironic is this that PMS rears its ugly head during my hunt for medicines that could help my PMS... The package was either lost or it was in our small mailbox. I had assumed it was too large to fit but maybe I was wrong. If DH were home this wouldn't have been a problem.

However, DH had the only copy of our mailbox key with him on his trip so I couldn't open our mailbox.

My only chance was to catch our mail lady on Saturday while she had the mailboxes open and beg her for the package. I left the window open in case I could hear the mail truck drive by—sometimes I can—and I totally stalked the mailboxes. :)

I heard the truck arrive. Thank you, Jesus. If you haven't gathered that I was desperate for both meds, I was. ;)

I grabbed my driver’s license for ID just in case and ran to the mailboxes. I could see the package in our box! Not wanting to appear desperate, I casually asked if there was a package for me. She said, “Oh, you're the girl looking for her package.” She handed it to me along with the rest of our mail. I ran back to our apartment and tore open the package from the pharmacy. I pulled out two bottles of LDN. To my dismay there was nothing else in there.

No HCG.

It was enough to make me cry. (I'm less than rational while PMSing.)

I don't know why they didn't send the HCG. When ordering it, I made a separate call to ask for the HCG refill--not five minutes after ordering the LDN-- and I knew I had a refill remaining on the prescription. I had even asked if they could mail the two meds in the same package, which the pharmacy employee affirmed. *sigh* It was pointless to call now and ask them again to send it because it would be too late to use it this cycle by the time I'd receive it.

So this meant I would be missing one day's dose of HCG this cycle. I guess that's not the worst thing that could happen. I really wanted to maximize our chances of success this cycle (and every cycle!) just in case... It’s disappointing.

But wait, there's more.

When it was time to do my second-to-last HCG dose, it didn’t look like there was enough medicine left for a full dose. After drawing it up, I learned I was correct. Instead of 2 mL, there was barely 0.5 mL. More disappointment. I guess last cycle we injected a little extra HCG which would explain why I was short this cycle. It’s bad enough having AF arrive when you’re TTC, but when you know you didn’t do everything you could to keep AF away, it feels like a wasted cycle.

Well, at least for next cycle, my list of meds and vitamins will grow noticeably, so that’s something to look forward to. And DH will be back so there won't be a mailbox fiasco. ;)

HCG success

Yay!  My first self-administered HCG shot went well!  I didn't feel it at all.  And, more importantly, I didn't faint or even get dizzy (pre-fainting).  The anticipation while holding the syringe was horrible though.  My skin was red from pinching and then letting go because I would get too nervous and chicken out.  Repeat that times nine or ten…  I had a video playing on the computer for a little mental distraction (not a visual distraction, of course).  I may have closed my eyes for a fraction of a second while shoving the needle into my thigh but then all was well.  I seriously had to double check that the needle was actually in my thigh because I didn't feel it go in.  So, yes, the shot should be painless if done correctly.  I did fire off a few last-minute prayers to a couple saints because I was really nervous.  St. Thomas More was my go-to guy for prayers that it would go okay.  St. Ignatius of Loyola too.  And St. Oswald...DH and I like to ask him for prayers because we figure he's less busy than other saints since his feast day only happens once every four years (February 29th).  ;)  Even if this was a silly request, they came through for me.

Catching up

Here is everything I meant to post within the past couple weeks but didn't get around to publishing.

TTC cycle #1 after surgery

1.  I took sustained release vitamin B6 and did the HCG injections post peak.  Dr. C thought it couldn't hurt to make my mucus better even though it has always been in the normal range.  (Sometimes it was at the low end of normal...that was his reason for the B6.)  After he recommended it, I read that B6 can also help lower prolactin levels.  When it was checked last year, my prolactin level was borderline high, but not high enough for the doctor to prescribe any medication for it.  I like the idea that the B6 might have a secondary effect on my prolactin.  It didn't end up doing anything to my mucus; my (very good) mucus score with B6 was the same as it was the cycle prior without B6.

HCG is my old friend.  I don't like the injection part, but it's so nice to have relief from PMS.  DH claimed he was out of practice with giving me the injections.  That's not what you want to hear right before being stuck with a needle.  I reminded him it's just a really quick stick.  Like throwing a dart.  Nonetheless, since it had been several months since the last round of HCG, DH was nervous.  Just in case, I turned on the tv so I would have some distraction and hugged a pillow.  This was all unnecessary because I was ready to be pleasantly surprised at how easy the injection would be--like they used to be.  Sadly it didn't go so well.  First, sharp pain.  Then a moment of relief.  Then more sharp pain.  (my worst fear...he didn't inject the needle in far enough the first time so he had to push it in deeper...not fun)  Then I felt liquid running down my skin.  Was I bleeding?  I looked down to see clear liquid on my leg.  Not all the HCG made it where it was supposed to go...too bad it doesn't work topically.  hahaha   DH looked at me apologetically and said, "You can put this on your blog, how your DH* isn't very good at giving these shots."  I tried to reassure him that he did fine.  He did improve after that one; for the next one there was only a tiny bit of HCG dripping down my leg.  ;)

*it's really cute that he knows the lingo that he is referred to as "DH" here

2.  Unfortunately the HCG did not relieve much of my PMS that cycle.  DH was disappointed too.  He knows that the HCG usually makes me a much nicer, happier wife.  I decided I would beg ask Dr. C for naltrexone when I saw him next.

3.  DH's SFA results came back normal.  Praise God that one of us has a correctly functioning reproductive system.  :)  All his numbers were really good except morphology which was borderline but still "normal."  When AF arrived, DH tried to convince me that maybe one of his sperm with abnormal morphology was to blame for the BFN.  I smiled at his attempt to cheer me up, but didn't buy it.  ;)  My body still needs some fixing...

4.  TTC #1 was unsuccessful.  I had high hopes for that cycle.  Unfortunately that meant a harder crash when those hopes weren't fulfilled.  When AF arrived during Mass, I knew a breakdown was inevitable, and I hoped that I could postpone it until we got home or at least had the privacy of being in the car.  I managed to hold off until after Mass, but not before we left the pew.  Thankfully the church was 99% empty by the time the waterworks started, and DH handed me his handkerchief.  (I love that he carries a handkerchief.)  If you're going to have a tearfest, sitting in front of Jesus (and having just received Him in the Eucharist) is my place of choice.  :)   After two days I was able to listen to the voice of reason in my head that this was just the first cycle we tried post-surgery...and not the end of the world.  ;) 

TTC cycle #2 after surgery (in progress)

1.  We're doing the same regimen as last cycle (B6 and HCG).  One day last week when I was preparing for my next appointment with Dr. C, I glanced at my notes from the last appointment.  It was then that I realized I had misread the B6 bottle and was only taking 100 mg per day.  Dr. C had said to take 500 mg per day.  Oops.  No wonder it didn't affect my mucus this cycle, which was not nearly as good as last cycle's mucus. 

2.  I saw Dr. C last week, and he's adding low dose naltrexone and fish oil to my daily regimen.  He decided against adding T3—though he would have if I twisted his arm.  My thyroid labs and the symptom questionnaire I filled out would support adding T3, but my temps were only borderline low.  The fish oil is supposed to be "instead" of the T3, although I forget what its function is exactly.  I know many other NaPro patients are on fish oil so I was happy when he suggested it.  He recommended the Nordi.c Natu.rals brand but didn't say how much to take daily.  I will scour various blog archives and my notes from Dr. Boyle's presentations (the Irish NaPro doc)to find a dosage unless someone wants to tell me how much I should take.  :) 

The naltrexone I asked for by name.  I really don't like asking a doctor for specific drugs—I prefer the doctor to be the doctor—but with IF I guess I've become a little (okay, a lot) more proactive than I normally am.  (Case in point:  The first time I met Dr. C when he asked why I was there, I said I wanted surgery.  That raised his eyebrows.  It was direct, but there's no need to mess around when you're IF.)  I explained that the HCG used to take away my PMS symptoms nicely but it doesn't work as well anymore.  Last cycle my PMS was nearly as bad as during unmedicated cycles.  I also mentioned that Dr. Hilgers has great success with using HCG and naltrexone together when HCG alone doesn't cut it.  Before the appointment I had looked up my notes from the lectures Dr. Hilgers gave during my CrMS practitioner training where I had written down that 98% of women find relief with the HCG and naltrexone combo.  I also mentioned that I have quite a few symptoms of an endorphin deficiency which would be a second reason to try naltrexone.  Dr. C went on to explain a bit about low dose naltrexone and how it works.  He said he prefers Dr. Boyle's dosage schedule because it gets to the maximum dose faster which sounded good to me.  He said he'd call in a prescription to Ku.bat's where it would be compounded.  I completely forgot to ask about the significantly cheaper possibility of compounding it in my kitchen.  I'm getting a two-month supply, so I will ask when I'm due for a refill.  I doubt the naltrexone will do me any good this cycle because I still haven't received it.  (Long story...DH was trying to do me a favor and put a hold on the mail while he's away on a business trip but he forgot that my prescriptions—HCG and naltrexone—were coming.  He didn't save the hold confirmation number, so I have to visit the post office sometime before it closes to hunt down the box.  Hopefully I can do that soon...)

3.  My vitamin D level came back at 29.  Normal is 30-100.  I can't find my notes from the talk on vitamin D from the conference last year for what a good level is fertility-wise.  I want to say it was >80...but don't quote me.  Dr. C wasn't aware of a recommended level for fertility (other than the range the lab provided).  Regardless, I need to spend some time in the sun.

4.  Dr. C said that NaPro is getting noticed, at least in his city.  A local practitioner told him this story:  A new client attended an intro session.  The FCP asked the couple how they heard about NaPro.  The woman said that her ob/gyn mentioned it (!) as an infertility treatment option along with artificial means and names of various REs.  When describing NaPro, the ob/gyn, who is not affiliated with CrMS or NaPro at all, said that all her patients who had done NaPro became pregnant.  The couple read the NaPro website and decided to do it.  (my jaw is on the floor...I don't know about yours)  It's about time other doctors noticed!!

5.  This cycle DH is getting a break from giving the HCG shots because he's out of town.  Lucky for him.  Not so lucky for me.  That means I have to give myself the shots.  (Tips would be appreciated if any of you have self-administered shots before...)  I don't know how I'm going to pull that off.  The thought of it makes me want to run from the room screaming.  hahaha  I need to toughen up.  Is there a patron saint that would be good to ask for prayers in this situation?  Maybe one of the ones known for mortification would be appropriate...  ;)  Somehow I don't think it would be a good idea to close my eyes while sticking myself with a needle, but I admit that is my first instinct.  What if I just looked out of the corner of my eye?  Or squinted?  Maybe that would be enough to ensure that I inject my thigh and not my hand.  ;)  I'm really not sure I can psychologically handle injecting myself in the belly.  I think I'd have to work up to that by practicing elsewhere first.

Eine kleine Blogmusik

I hope you weren't expecting Mozart...  :)

The song below has been a source of comfort for me, especially on the hard days when the sadness of IF feels extra heavy (like CD1 yesterday, for example).  I randomly found it one day a few months ago among DH's music collection and was surprised I had never listened to the CD before.  Listening to it makes me long for Heaven.  :)

Be Still My Soul - Jean Sibelius

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

(I took some creative liberties with the post title; it means "a little blog music.")

Relief. It's done.

I could just make this a super short post and say we managed to do the SFA collection, which went horribly, and are waiting for the results, but that is not my style.  :)

First a little recap...  Before my surgery Dr. C wanted to do a SFA.  After finding out that the only lab in town that does SFA requires an appointment and those appointments are offered two days a week, we knew it would have to wait until after surgery.  We finally got around to scheduling it for this cycle.  (read: DH stopped protesting and said I could schedule it. He was trying to put it off as long as possible.)  When I called for the appointment I was informed they only offer morning appointments one day each week.  Well, that pretty much limited our choice to one day this cycle because I wanted to do it during the infertile post-peak phase.  (gotta save all the sperm pre-peak for our primary goal here...hahaha)  The receptionist asked where the SF sample would be collected--at home or at the clinic.  I was surprised at the question because I assumed we were in a tiny minority wanting to collect the sample at home through a normal act of intercourse.  I am guessing we still are in the minority...

Anyway we couldn't get an appointment first thing in the morning to our disappointment.  DH was considering going into work early and then meeting me at home for the collection. Then he decided to just stay home before the appointment because he thought he'd be more relaxed that way.  I agreed.

He told me the last few days that it was a lot of pressure for him.  I knew this was not going to be easy.

I should have asked all you veteran SFA ladies ahead of time about how to make the necessary hole in the collection device.  I thought when I had spoken to the lady at the PPVI Institute when ordering the kit ($20 plus shipping FYI) that she had said to use a pin.  So I grabbed my smallest stick pin from my sewing box and did my best to disinfect it (with alcohol).  That was the best we could come up with.  Is that what everyone else does?

The rest, well, I don't think I should describe here but it did not go well.  I really, really hope we never have to do this again.  If we do, we will do it while traveling this summer, and I will find a lab that allows you to drop off the sample during business hours without an appointment.

The one (and only) funny part was when we arrived at the lab. After signing some forms at the counter, DH held the container out in front of him to give to the receptionist.  She was seated such that he was holding it directly in front of her face.  She said to keep it in his pocket until he saw the nurse.  I had to suppress a laugh.  :)

The "appointment" turned out to be signing a spouse release form and telling the nurse he wasn't taking any meds.  He was out in five minutes.   All this "appointment" trouble for that?  Ah, well.  It is over now.  What a relief.  Now we just wait for the results.

Ever wish you had an IF t-shirt?

Some days it would just be easier if we could wear our IF on our sleeve...literally.  :)  For the days you're just not in the mood to face the questions, perhaps one of these might work.

It isn't related to IF, but I had to make this one too:

What other phrases would you put on a t-shirt?

Lent prayer buddy reveal

It was my pleasure to pray for Sarah at Sarah's Journal during Lent.  I had been reading her blog before Lent, but had never commented.  When she announced that she was planning to become a CrMS Practitioner, I had to restrain myself from commenting ("How great!  I'm one too!  Wait, you don't know who I am...") lest I give myself away.  I really enjoyed looking at her beautiful wedding pictures.  Sarah, you and your husband make such a cute couple.  :)

Music for the Triduum

Holy Thursday:  Pange Lingua

Good Friday:  Ave Verum Corpus

Holy Saturday:  Exsultet 

Food and fertility

**Disclaimer:  I'm not a medical or dietary expert.  I don't have any double-blind, randomized controlled trials to support any of the info in the post.  I'm a scientific experiment with n=1.  ;)


A few years ago I listened to a talk given by Dr. Boyle, a NaPro physician from Ireland, on his observations connecting diet and fertility.  If you're interested, you can listen to it and view the slides here (it's the second one listed).  It's also a great overview of NaPro in general.

I was really intrigued by the concept that what you eat—or what you don't eat—can help improve fertility.  He talked about several of his infertile patients who did not become pregnant after exhausting all of the treatment options he offered.  These same patients made some changes in their diets and then conceived.  He tried to figure out what specific diet changes these women had in common and started to investigate various diets.  He wanted to give his other patients the option to adjust their diets in the hopes of improving fertility and immune function, and he settled on recommending gluten free (GF) and dairy free (DF), with these optional changes: no refined sugar, no legumes, less red meat, and more fish/chicken/fruits/vegetables.  I remember thinking that I could never live with a diet like that.  I love pasta.  I love bread.  I love milk.  I love cheese.  (the list goes on)  I was seriously impressed that there were women who would be willing to try such a diet—what a sacrifice!  But I was even more impressed that something as simple as diet could help a woman become pregnant.

Now I know he frequently uses food intolerance tests to determine what foods a woman should remove from her diet instead of necessarily recommending GF/DF for every patient.  That made sense to me:  eliminate only the foods you're intolerant to and see if it improves fertility.

Fascinating, right?  This was all great for my curious mind to learn, but it was purely academic and abstract.  There were "some" infertile women out there who needed to give up certain foods to conceive.  This didn't apply to the infertility clients I was working with at the time; they all ended up with successful pregnancies going the "traditional" NaPro route (no diet changes involved).

Then enter polkadot, the infertile.  Now the thought of giving up something as monumental as gluten wasn't seeming as impossible as before.  Before infertility, I did not quite understand the motivation you find once you're having difficulty conceiving.  Still, I was not going to rush into anything that meant I had to give up my beloved bread....and cake...and cookies...and ice cream.  ;)

At that point, we had been TTC for four months without success. After six months, you can start working with a NaPro doctor.  In the mean time, I wanted to do something that might help our fertility while we waited.  I think I was most impatient to conceive during those early months before I was even labeled as IF!  After learning a bit more from various sources, I decided to do my own experiment:  I would go GF/DF for a month.  In retrospect, adding a bunch of vitamins or supplements would have been a much easier experiment to do.  hahaha  However, I was convinced that going GF/DF had a fair possibility of being beneficial.  If I didn't become pregnant, then any change (vs. no change) in my chart would be the gauge of whether my experiment was having any effect.

DH was understandably skeptical.  I explained to him the reasons for thinking this was not a crazy experiment.  He reluctantly agreed that we'd try it for one month.  He wasn't about to change his diet, but he did a lot of the cooking so he would have to learn along with me.

I remember the night well; it was the week before Thanksgiving.  I would start my GF/DF diet the next day.  I am not normally so decisive or so quick to implement change.  For some reason, this was different.  Anyway, since it was such short notice for me, I wasn't prepared...at all.  Not my brightest hour.  hahaha  It was late so we didn't want to go to the grocery store that night.  Somehow I scraped together enough food to eat the next day.  Then I began the massive undertaking of learning what foods were okay and what weren't.  Grocery store trips were truly a group effort. :)  It took forever reading labels.  I threw mini tantrums when a perfectly good food would have one banned ingredient... ;)  I really should have done all of that research ahead of time and planned meals to eat.  Instead I just jumped in and hoped I wouldn't starve.  ;)  I don't recommend this approach at all!  hahaha

I was really not expecting what happened next.  I was hoping for either A) a pregnancy or B) zero change (so I could go back to happily eating all my favorite foods).  What I got was actually C) none of the above.

I think pictures convey it best.  Here's a typical cycle from my chart before any diet changes:

I had cervical mucus all day, every day.  Up until that point, I had used less than five green stamps (dry days) in several years of charting.  It was yellow stamps all. the. time.


Here's my chart the cycle when I started GF/DF (on day 9 of the cycle):

Look at those beautiful green stamps!!!!  I was practically giddy that I could use so many green stamps in the same cycle!  DH was as shocked as I was to see that.  Remember I said he was really skeptical at the diet change idea?  By the end of that first cycle, he emphatically said to me, "You need to stay GF/DF!"  Now I was secretly hoping to become pregnant after making these diet changes, which obviously didn't happen, but seeing how my chart changed really encouraged me.

Eventually I wanted to put a little more structure to the science experiment I was doing on myself, so I had food intolerance testing done.  Since I had eliminated gluten and dairy at the same time, I didn't know if it was one or the other or both which was causing my chart to improve.  While I was in the midst of the hormone profile last year (which meant frequent lab trips), I had the blood drawn for the food intolerance test during one of those visits to the lab.  Even though I knew Dr. Boyle only had his patients do testing with a smaller number of foods (~40), I ended up choosing the test panel with 100 foods because I suspected some specific foods that were in the larger panel.  Based on a few recurrent symptoms I had been tracking (headaches and stomach aches), I was pretty confident that dairy and either strawberries or bananas would be on the list.  I was hoping (really hard) that gluten was not on the list.

A few weeks later I received my results.  There was no way I could have been prepared for it.  DH opened the letter before I got home and called me to warn me that the list was longer that we thought...

Here's my list:

Severe intolerance:  beef, tea, sesame
Moderate:  chicken, turkey, potato, shrimp, tuna, banana, peanut, coffee, soy, gluten
Mild: strawberry, blueberry, grape, cherry, lamb, string bean, whey (dairy)

At first I was surprised at some of the foods on the list, especially the meats.  But then a light bulb turned on in my head...all of a sudden it made complete sense that those foods were on the list.  I frequently would have mild stomach aches after meals, and I had ALWAYS blamed it on either the food being too greasy (pizza, spaghetti, tacos, meatloaf, hamburgers, etc.) or that I simply ate too much (or, in the case of coffee or tea, drank too much at once).  Stomach ailments are common in our family, so I just figured I had a sensitive stomach or mild GERD or something similar.  After getting the results, I realized it wasn't the greasiness or the amount that was the problem; it was actually that my body was intolerant to the food itself.  That explained so much!  (And I realized that I had totally been in denial about how often I had a stomach ache...)

To help improve the food intolerance, I was supposed to completely avoid each food in the severe or moderate list for at least 3-6 months before attempting to reintroduce it.  I started the elimination diet gradually, and over time I have been able add back most of the foods on a limited basis.  The gluten and dairy intolerance are the exceptions...there's no schedule to add them back.

So will these diet changes improve my fertility?  I don't know, but they definitely made my chart look much better, so I am hopeful.  Aside from fertility, I don't get headaches or stomach aches from food anymore, which in itself is a happy ending for me and made my little experiment worthwhile.

My life is a Godspell song

I was randomly listening to the music from Godspell today, and I laughed when one song was playing because it describes my life a little too well right now.  I am still smiling as I write this...it's really not as bad as it sounds.  :)

  "All for the Best"

When you feel sad or under a curse	Three letters...PMS!!
Your life is bad,	Cooking dinner tonight filled the kitchen and living room with smoke. Thick smoke. We didn't notice until the smoke detector went off because we were in the next room... Oops. Hours later we still have a fan running.
your prospects are worse	My job might end in six months due to lack of funds. Several things have to go right but I'm hopeful...
Your wife is crying, sighing...	DH could say this about me the last two days (thank you, PMS).
And your olive tree is dying,	We have three potted plants that are dying. :( I don't have a green thumb.
Temples are graying,	I notice a few new gray hairs at least once a week.
and teeth are decaying	The dentist this week said one of my teeth is so bad that when the filling falls out I'll need a crown.
And creditors weighing your purse...	The big surgery bill is sitting next to the computer. It's due next week.
Your mood and your robe are both a deep blue	Yes and yes. (my mood is much better now, however) And I actually have a blue robe!
You'd bet that Job had nothin' on you...	Ha. Okay, it's not that bad.
Don't forget that when you go to Heaven you'll be blessed...	That thought puts all of this in perspective.
Yes, it's all for the best...	And tomorrow is another day. :)