Out of surgery

My surgery is done.  It took about 3.5 hours.  Dr. E spoke with DH and said she was able to remove all the endo.  I'm all tucked in bed and am looking forward to being able to eat solid foods in about an hour (when my diet restrictions are lifted).

Thank you all for your prayers!!

A bit like Mardi Gras

My robotic laparoscopy to remove the endo is Thursday.  Tomorrow I'll be on a clear liquid diet all day plus the ever-popular bowel prep (bottle of magnesium citrate at midday).  I'm hoping the car trip tomorrow night will be...uneventful in the GI department.  :)  That means today is my last day of real food, so I'm enjoying it as much as possible, sort of like celebrating Mardi Gras before fasting on Ash Wednesday.

I received the Anointing of Sick after Mass on Sunday which has kept the anxiety away.  My pastor kindly volunteered to offer Mass on Thursday for me.

I've been taking advantage of my last few days of mobility.  I cleaned the bathtub.  I vacuumed the whole apartment.  Tonight I might clean the inside of the refrigerator.  There's nothing like the prospect of not being able to bend down for weeks to get me motivated to clean.  ;)

The plan is that I will spend Thursday night in the hospital and hopefully will be discharged Friday.

I will be offering the pain of my recovery for all those considering abortion, for those affected by abortion, for Lucky as Sunshine and her husband, and for all of you.

DH or I will post something here on Thursday after surgery is done.  Thank you in advance for your prayers!

So I did survive

1. My last post was about making it through Christmas family gatherings with babies around.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas despite whatever difficult or sad circumstances you faced.  I'm happy to report that the day went better than I thought (as most of you probably predicted).  I didn't cry. I didn't actually go near the two babies, but I had an excuse:  I was sick with a really bad cold or mild flu.  I spent the 24th in bed at my aunt's house and missed the babyless family festivities that day.  I felt good enough to make a public appearance on the 25th.  I went into my IF survival mode where I kind of numb my feelings of sadness and try to put on a smile on the outside.  Not that I recommend being sick during a family gathering, but it did make a nice conversation starter so there was no baby-related conversation directed at me.  I was ready to change the subject if someone did try to ask about us having kids.  Thankfully the babies only stayed about three hours and slept for most of that time, so there was really only an hour of so of relatives ooohing and aaahing over them. It warmed my heart to see one of my aunts hold one of the babies for a while; she was IF (probably is menopausal now) and has one adopted son.  It looked like it was a bit healing for her.  So, all in all, it wasn't so bad.  I still marvel at the fact that many people can conceive fairly easily with everything that has to go right in order for conception to happen.  I guess when you can't conceive and multiple medical issues are causing it, you think about these things.

2.  We did our third SF collection for the SFA and semen culture.  Since no lab around here will do the culture to check for possible infection, we did it while visiting my parents after Christmas.  We carefully arranged logistics so that (hopefully) no one knew what we were doing or where we went. The only issue was that it was quite cold outside, and even though DH kept the sample inside his coat during the drive from my parents' house to the lab, the lab tech said the container felt cold to her.  That made me nervous...  I don't remember how long they let the culture sit, so I haven't asked for the results from Dr. K yet.  DH and I really hope we're not asked to redo it...

3.  My surgery to remove the hard-to-reach endo is next week Thursday, January 22.  I didn't choose the day; it was given to me by the nurse.  I'm disappointed that I won't be able to go to the March for Life, but it'll be a good reminder to offer my sufferings for all those who are considering abortion or have had one in the past.

4.  Dr. E e-mailed me a pdf file of a doctor's excuse letter that I could give to my employer.  Before sending it to my timekeeper, I opened it briefly and just glanced at the top of the page to make sure the file was okay.  My timekeeper later e-mailed me saying that she didn't need all that medical information, just the letter.  I was confused so I opened the attachment.  It was nine pages long, with the letter as the first page.  The rest of it was my previous operation report and post-op visit note.  At the top of page two in capital letters was my diagnosis "ENDOMETRIOSIS."  I probably turned fifty shades of red.  Thankfully the timekeeper said she shredded the extra pages when she printed the letter for my file.  I am hoping that she is not a person who gossips.  I have never met her in person, and she doesn't interact with the other people I work with (other than requests for time off).  I am super relieved that my boss was not copied on the e-mail with my, ahem, informative attachment.  I probably would have died on the spot if he had seen it.  I have told him nothing about why I've had my previous surgeries or that we're TTC and IF.

5.  The last two months I've been enjoying a nice break from many of the pills I've been taking while TTC.  I stopped taking Clomid, the antibiotics, and all over-the-counter supplements except the prenatal vitamin (at Dr. E's request).  It's been a nice two cycles without the stress of TTC or so many pills to remember.

6.  I am in possession of some lovely organic flannel material so hopefully before next week I'll be able to make an attempt at sewing my own cloth pads.  I still need to find some metal snaps that are nickel-free, which is proving more difficult than I thought.  (I'm allergic to nickel.)  Whenever I finish them, I will share pictures here.  I'm sure you can't wait.  :)

Surviving holidays

This might be a bit surprising, but I've never spent a holiday family gathering with either a pregnant woman or a baby since we started TTC more than five years ago.  My parents are not grandparents, and my youngest cousin is in grade school.  Thanksgiving and Christmas have been essentially safe spaces for an IFer.  No family member has ever asked us about when we are going to have kids (and we have not shared with family that we are IF), so we haven't even had to attempt an awkward conversation about it.  Last year on Christmas, DH was reading in the living room, and nearby two of my aunts were saying that my grandma needed more babies around.  DH made a beeline to the kitchen to "get something to drink" to avoid getting pulled into the conversation.  I know we've had it easy compared to stories I've heard from other IFers.

All that will change this Christmas.  There will be two infants at our extended family celebration on Christmas Day.  Two of my cousins who married in the last few years recently had a baby.  One of my aunts will likely be sharing her excitement with everyone, as any new grandma would.  During the afternoon people gather in the kitchen or living room, and I really just want to hide in the room where the babies are not (the living room) and avoid them, but I kind of expect that aunt to personally introduce the baby to everyone.  (The other aunt has other grandchildren so maybe her excitement won't be as fresh?)  Is it bad to hope that both babies will be sleeping the whole afternoon?  It's only about five hours that the cousins with babies will be around on Christmas Day, based on previous years, so at least it's a limited time.  I can't spend much time in the bathroom as there are only two bathrooms for 40+ people.  ;)  I'll be in the middle of my post-peak phase, so all bets are off how my mood will be.  Just thinking about being around babies is making me cry right now, so I'm not super optimistic I'll be able to hold it together in three days.  There's nowhere to escape as we'll be in a rural area, and the nearest city is a half hour away.  I suppose I could go for a walk outside in my nice dress and big winter boots if it got too hard to handle...  I know I can't just avoid them forever though.

I'm also not looking forward to comments about having babies, especially if they're thrown in my direction.  I'm hoping it just doesn't come up.  :)  I had asked for advice on what to say to the question, "Where are you going to have kids?" in an older blog post.  The advice in the comments ranged from sharing about IF to saying "I don't know" and changing the topic or walking away.  I'm leaning toward saying: "I don't know.  I'm going to get some more water."

If you have any advice on how to get through Christmas gatherings with babies around or how you handle relatives' comments and questions related to having kids or IF, please share in the comments.  :)

I keep all you of in my prayers always, but most especially this week.  If I end up having a difficult day on Christmas, I will be offering it up for you.

Surgery recap and recovery

This is rather long.  Read what interests you, and skip the rest.  I mostly wrote it out as a record for myself.

Day of Surgery

hospital socks

Friday morning (Nov. 21) I was supposed to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.  I showered with a special soap that morning (and the night before).  After we filled in the paperwork at check-in, I headed over to the chapel to spend a few minutes with Jesus in the tabernacle.  I love Catholic hospitals.  :)

When the nurse took me back, before putting on the hospital gown, I had to use large wipes on my entire body.  The wipes were supposed to leave a film on my skin that would help prevent infection during and after surgery.  I think she said it was protective up to 24 hours after surgery?  It was new since my previous surgery at this same hospital.  I also put on the fashionable hospital socks that have no heel and are the same on both sides so you can't put them on upside down.

In the past, my biggest worry the morning of surgery was the IV, but this time I didn't even blink when the nurse inserted it.  I guess years of blood draws and some awesome prayer warriors can help a girl get over her fear of IVs (and needles in general).

my view in bed all prepped for surgery

This time they put what I call "water wings" on my calves while I was still conscious. They're supposed to help prevent blood clots by sporadically inflating to squeeze my legs.  After I was all tucked in bed, the nurse turned on the warm air to inflate my gown and keep me comfortable (and to keep my body temperature up which improves recovery after surgery).

When the anesthesiologist came in, I mentioned that I had nausea and vomiting after both previous surgeries.  He said he read that in my file and would be giving me a patch to prevent that.  I was definitely looking forward to no vomiting.  :)  Later the nurse anesthetist came to give me the patch. She stuck it behind my ear and said I could keep it on for up to three days.  She warned me not to touch it, but if I did, I would have to immediately wash my hands.  I guess if you touch it and then rub your eyes, it will dilate your eyes and give you a headache.  She gave me a rubber glove to use to remove it at home.

Around 7:20 a.m. Dr. E arrived with a third year med student who was accompanying her for the day. It was the student's first day on her ob/gyn rotation, so she was just going to be observing, not assisting.  I gathered that Dr. E hadn't had a chance to explain much about her training or NaPro, so I decided to fill the med student in a bit.  Just a bit.  :)  I told her that many of Dr. E's patients travel long distances because she has done a special fellowship in surgical techniques for endo and that she's 1 of only 14 in the country (not including Dr. Hilgers himself) to have that kind of training.  I think I might have slightly embarrassed Dr. E, but I wanted the med student to know ahead of time that she was going to be observing a highly-trained surgeon.  The med student seemed intrigued.

Dr. E then prayed over me which I loved.  I noticed at the end of the prayer the med student made the sign of the cross when Dr. E did, so maybe she'll be even more interested in NaPro because she's Catholic...  Hopefully Dr. E was able to plant more seeds as she spent time with her...  :)

Dr. E promised to tape a rosary to my hand before surgery started.  She said she had a bunch that were blessed by Pope Francis.  My last surgery I had one that was blessed by Pope Benedict.

rosary blessed by Pope Francis

Just after 7:30 a.m. the nurses came back to wheel my bed to the OR.  I was awake long enough to see the inside of the OR briefly before the anesthesia kicked in.

My surgery lasted about an hour.  I don't know what time I woke up from anesthesia, but when I did I was in a large room with curtains around each bed and a rosary wrapped around my hand.  I wasn't nauseous at all.  :)  I asked the nurse standing next to my bed for water, but she said that would make me nauseous so she brought me apple juice instead in a cup with a straw.

Dr. E stopped by to explain what she found during surgery.  I tried really hard to concentrate on what she was saying because it was unlikely I would remember anything based on previous post-surgery talks with the surgeon.  I remember her saying that I had stage I (nearly stage II) endo and that perhaps Dr. K (at PPVI) would want to do the next surgery.  Somehow I was coherent enough to reply that my insurance didn't cover the hospital in Omaha.  She said she would at least consult Dr. K before doing my next surgery.  What is not clear in my memory is if she said it would be robotic "with the possibility of opening you up." (meaning a full laparotomy)  I really hope I am remembering that part completely wrong.  A laparotomy would be a six-week recovery versus the robotic laparoscopy's two-week recovery.  She also said that she could tell I had ovulated prior to surgery by looking at my ovary.  Surgery was on P+1.  She did cultures of my endometrium and cervix, but I won't have those results for a while.

Dr. E spoke with DH separately and gave him pictures of my insides.  As she explained them to him, she labeled some of them.  I had endo near where my rectum meets the colon, and that would be the tricky spot to remove.  I had another spot of endo near my cervix.  There is some scarring on one ovary, but I don't know if that's endo.  There was another questionable spot that might be endo or could be something else.  All of the endo is in new spots.  Why, oh why does my body regrow new endo so easily?  :(  It's been 21 months since my last surgery.

The nurse anesthetist stopped by briefly to ask if I was nauseous.  I said no.  She smiled and said she has a 100% nausea-free streak with the patch on her patients.  I'm glad to have kept her streak alive.  I ended up keeping the anti-nausea patch on for a day and a half.  I'm definitely asking for it next time.  :)

So there I am lying in bed sipping my apple juice and feeling pretty good.  The next thing I know the nurse says it's time to get me dressed.  I was really surprised (since I hadn't urinated yet...that was the ticket out of there in my first surgery) but I didn't mind.  I got some granny-style hospital underwear (so comfortable!) and two large pads.  Why two?  I don't know.  I didn't discover the second one until later in the day when it fell out in a rest stop restroom...  At that point I was thankful the first one was still in place.  :)

Shortly after getting dressed, the nurse moved me to a chair next to the bed.  DH came into my curtained room and got some last minute directions from the nurse.  Another nurse brought a wheelchair and wheeled me to the hospital entrance.  It was about 10:30 a.m.

We drove to a pharmacy near the hospital to pick up my two prescriptions for pain meds.  I learned that Dr. E doesn't call in pain meds, so we had to walk in with the prescription in hand (well, DH walked in) and wait until it was filled.  Thankfully it only took about 10 minutes, unlike my previous two post-surgery experiences where it took an hour or more.

I had a small pillow in the car to put between me and the seat belt to cushion bumps in the road.  I reclined the seat a bit because that was more comfortable than sitting straight up.  I ate a few snacks, which tasted so good after the previous day's clear liquid diet of chicken broth and apple juice.  :)

At home, DH made me chicken noodle soup, my comfort food of choice.  I set alarms in my phone to take the pain pills on a schedule (hydrocodone/acetaminophen aka "the good stuff" and ibuprofen) and then napped until dinner.

Day after surgery

Early the next morning, I awoke after a poor night of sleep thinking I'd spend the day watching movies and napping.  As DH was helping me out of bed, he stopped and sat on the side of the bed.  He was having terrible abdominal pain on his right side.  He never has pain like that.  After a few minutes it subsided.  He took a quick shower in case in came back, and it did.  I was worried about appendicitis.  He normally avoids going to the doctor, but he said he needed to go to the ER. I knew that meant it was bad.  If he didn't volunteer to go, I would have forced him in my I-can't-get-out-of-bed-by-myself state.  Don't mess with a girl who just had surgery.  ;)

I did spend my day watching movies and napping at home as I had expected...but also e-mailing back and forth with DH who was lying in a bed in the ER.  It turned out to be a kidney stone. Thank God it wasn't more serious.  He came home in very little pain.  He had no pain when he passed the stone.  A little tiny thing sure caused a big problem...

Rest of recovery

The next morning I felt decent enough to make a public appearance, so I went to Sunday Mass with DH.  I took both pain meds beforehand so I was happily drugged up.  I couldn't genuflect, but everything else was fine.  Afterward I was exhausted.  You don't realize how much up and down there is (sit, stand, sit, stand, etc.) until it's hard to stand up on your own.  Mass on Thanksgiving was better (no pain meds), but I still felt like I had competed in the Olympics afterward (i.e., was wiped out).

I took my pain meds on the prescribed schedule for the first four days, and then I started to wait and see how I was feeling before taking something.  On Wednesday, I only took one pain pill.  I took my last one on Friday, a week after surgery.  Since then, I have been using the heating pad for random pain flares, and it works well.

I learned a new post-surgery trick the hard way.  After surgery, I had no other choice than to sleep on my back.  I normally sleep on my stomach or my side.  By the third night after surgery, I could lie on my side a little.  One night while sleeping I rolled onto my stomach and woke up in the morning in a lot of pain.  Not fun.  To prevent it from happening the following night, I slept on my side and hugged a large pillow.  It kept me from rolling onto my stomach.  I still sleep with the extra pillow because I don't think I'm ready to sleep on my stomach.

Something else new I realized this time around is that a straw is a really useful thing to have, especially during the part of recovery where it's difficult to sit up when you're lying down.  If you have a bendy straw in your cup or water bottle, you don't have to sit up to drink.  It will come in handy more when I have my next surgery.

I experienced a new and unpleasant symptom during this recovery that I didn't have after my previous surgeries.  Involuntary, quick deep breaths started about four days after my lap.  At that point, taking a deep breath was not really enjoyable because it increased the pressure on my incisions, but it was possible if I did it slowly.  I know most breathing is involuntary, but this was strange because they were little gasps for air when I thought I was breathing just fine.  They would happen quickly like hiccups and last a second or less, but they didn't happen as often as hiccups. Oh, did they hurt.  :(  Dr. Google told me it was common after abdominal surgeries.  They lasted 4 or 5 days, but became gradually less painful because my abdomen could tolerate the pressure better.

About the same time the weird hiccup breaths began, I started sneezing quite a bit, which hurt more than a deep breath.  I should have read the discharge directions that said I should hug a pillow tightly against my stomach whenever I had to cough or sneeze to minimize the pain.  Next time I'll have a pillow ready.  :)

Even though I had been told you can expect to go back to work within a few days of a lap, I was happy that I took the week off through Thanksgiving.  Being able to nap whenever I wanted was really nice.

I ended up spotting for eight days after surgery.  My urge to urinate disappeared for two or three days after surgery, so I had to remember to go to the bathroom those days.  I was very happy when it returned.  I guess you don't appreciate things so much until they're gone.  ;)

My incisions still ache a bit on and off.  Sneezing is still a bit painful.  I can bend forward most of the way without pain and pick up things from the floor.  I probably could drive (the prospect of slamming on the brake doesn't scare me like it did last week), but I've preferred not to drive since DH can.  I've been really grateful that this surgery's recovery is so much easier and quicker than the robotic lap.

I haven't heard back from Dr. E yet about scheduling my next surgery.  I assume she's going to consult with Dr. K first to better plan the surgery.  It will be January at the earliest.  I have a post-op appointment in two weeks.  I don't know if it will be in person or virtual (phone or Skype).

Here's a little summary of what I've learned:

What to bring to the hospital when you have surgery

• yoga pants or any clothing that isn't snug at the waist
• underwear that sits either really high (granny-style) or really low
• pads
• all prescription medications in their original containers
• small pillow to put between you and the seatbelt
• large pillow to make napping in the car more comfortable
• plastic bags or bucket for car in case of vomiting (if you don't get the anti-nausea meds)
• food for the ride home

Nice things to have at home during recovery

• straw for drinking when lying down
• large pillow to hug during sneezing/coughing and sleeping (to prevent rolling onto stomach)
• heating pad

St. Andrew novena

I just wanted to post a reminder that the St. Andrew novena starts today, the feast of St. Andrew.  The prayer to the right is prayed 15 times each day from November 30 through Christmas.  DH and I usually pray all 15 prayers right before bed during our normal prayer time.  I've found it to be a nice way to quiet my mind and really reflect on the birth of Christ as we prepare to celebrate Christmas.  Even though it's a short prayer, I find myself focusing on a different phrase each day (like "in piercing cold"), which helps me imagine what it would have been like to be there.  I thought the timing this year is perfect because it's also the beginning of Advent, so we'll be praying by candlelight (from the Advent wreath).

DH and I have prayed the St. Andrew novena for the past few years.  I know some IFers have conceived after praying it, and I still pray that it might happen for us and others who are still waiting, but even if we don't conceive, it has become one of my favorite prayers and a family tradition.  (Family=DH+me)  :)

Two years ago I made a chaplet with 15 beads so I wouldn't have to count while we prayed.  If you'd like to make one, it's pretty easy to do.  I have no prior jewelry making experience...just taught myself from an online tutorial.  And the supplies aren't too expensive.

Happy Advent!

Surgery's done

Dr. E found stage I endo in a few spots, and at least one of them is in a tricky place to reach, so I'll need another bigger surgery with the robot to remove it.  There were no new fibroids.  She also did endometrial cultures.  We're heading home shortly, and I'm looking forward to a nice long nap.  I'm offering up the pain for all of you.

Surgery tomorrow

My laparoscopy to (hopefully) remove endo is first thing tomorrow morning.  We have to be at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m.  I'm thankful that I'm not feeling nervous yet.  I received the Anointing of the Sick last weekend at the retreat, so I'm sure that has been helping me stay calm.

Somehow I lucked out and don't have to do a bowel prep today.  (I'm glad you can only throw virtual tomatoes at me right now...)  I'm offering up my day today on a clear liquid diet for all of you.  :)

DH will post an update here tomorrow when I'm out of surgery.

There's a hole in my soul

The retreat center.  St. John XXIII, pray for us!

The IF retreat that Rebecca organized was this past weekend.  It was just what I needed. I've been having a pretty rough past month or so, and the retreat was able to put a lot into perspective.  More people attended than last year, and something about seeing all of them in one room together was healing in itself.  In real life, I've only ever been in the same room as a handful of other IF ladies.  Having a whole room full of others carrying the same cross was a huge reminder that I am not alone.  It really hit home when one of the presenters (who was infertile) asked everyone whose life had been impacted by infertility to raise his/her hand; everyone's hand went up.  That visual alone was powerful.  Being able to see their reactions (i.e., tears) during the presentations was reassuring that I'm not just being too sensitive when I feel the pain of IF.  The pain is real and profound and even though everyone has a slightly different perspective, it is very much a shared experience.

very comfortable room where I did not spend much time

The presentations were excellent, but like last year, I got the most out of talking to the other retreatants.  It's rare to have time for fellowship with others who can relate to what I'm going through.  The IF blogs and the IF Fac.ebook group are great, but it's just so nice to sit and chat with people in person (says the shy phlegmatic).  Not having to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine with people I just met was rather refreshing.  Several of us stayed up rather late talking.  I figured I could sleep when I got home.  :)

One priest gave us a blessing with
a relic of Sts. Joachim and Anne.

While the retreat did shine a big spotlight on the pain of IF, it also encouraged me to try to move beyond the pain.  Often, when you're sitting at home on CD1, for example, the sadness is so great that all you do is turn inward.  That is the big problem with pain of any kind.  When your focus is only on yourself and what is making you miserable, it's harder to attempt to see the bigger picture of what God might want for you or your life.  The priests who attended the retreat struck a good balance between acknowledging the suffering of IF and challenging us to accept this cross and discern how to move forward in the circumstances we find ourselves.  They also reminded us that if we pray for very specific things, we run the risk of expecting God's will to match our will, a lesson that has been hard for me to learn over the past few years.

The retreat did help me to have an epiphany of sorts.  For a long time, I have had a question swimming around in my head that I could not answer.  I had studied St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body (beginner level) before I met DH.  It definitely deepened my desire for children.  There is so much more to TOB than having children, but that's a practical part of what I took away from it.  Since we started experiencing IF, I could never really mesh TOB with IF.  Granted, it has been a long time since I delved into the specifics of TOB, it kind of bothered me that I couldn't answer this question:  In light of TOB, how do you view IF?  No answer anyone gave me satisfied me, including my stab at an answer (that IF is a tragedy).

Here's my train of thought as a non-theologian:  The Trinity is a communion of persons.  God loves the Son, and the love between them is so powerful that it becomes a third person, the Holy Spirit. Marriage images the Trinity.  But if the marriage experiences IF, there is no third person.  According to that analogy I described, marriage with IF seems to not image the Trinity, at least in the physical sense, and that's why I came to the conclusion that IF is a tragedy.  I realize all analogies of the Trinity fall short in some way, but it doesn't feel so good to think of your marriage as some broken image of the Trinity.

But finally I think I have an answer that satisfies me:  The main way marriage images the Trinity is in the self-gift of the spouses.  Yes, in the majority of marriages that self-gift results in (biological) children.  But focusing on the presence (or absence in our case) of children as the main sign misses the foundation of self-gift that all marriages are built on.  I might be the only person that was hung up on this, but I'm really glad going to the retreat was able to shed light on this.

One of the presenting couples played the song below for us.  While it's not about IF. there were two parts of the song that really hit me.

"There's a hole in my soul. I can't fill it. I can't fill it.
There's a hole in my soul. Can you fill it? Can you fill it?"

For a long time, there has been a child-sized hole in my soul.  It's still there, but I'm slowly learning to fill it with God and all the other blessings in my life.  It's definitely a work in progress.  :)

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground."

This describes DH and me in regard to emotions about IF.  I don't hide what I'm feeling, and he is more likely to keep his hidden inside.  I think going through IF is helping both of us understand the other better in this area.

"Flaws" by Bastille

I've been listening to it almost non-stop since the weekend.  Such a good song.  :)

There will be the same IF retreat in Omaha in March.  I highly recommend going if you're in the area...or even if you're not.  Quite a few of the retreatants from this past weekend drove five or six or more hours in order to attend, and I'm guessing they would all say it was worth the drive.  :)

If you test, she will come

I had heard of this phenomenon that if you (an IFer) take a home pregnancy test (HPT), AF will arrive shortly after.  I can say now that it happened to me.

I took my first ever HPT a cycle ago.  In over five years of TTC, I had never made it long enough to test.  I broke my rule of waiting until P+17 this time because it was a crazy cycle, and I needed to rule out things. I was pretty sick during the "fertile" time of the cycle and had pathetic mucus, so all signs pointed toward a double peak (assuming ovulation had not actually happened yet).  I've been charting for a looooong time and have never double peaked even amid significant stress, but there's a first time for everything.  :)  So I waited for the second mucus build up to start and did not take my HCG, which I normally take after peak day.

Ten days after the first peak, I had good mucus for two days.  I thought it was my second peak. That was followed by spotting...which didn't make any sense.  Another interpretation could have been that I did ovulate during the first peak, and this second patch of mucus was implantation mucus.  We had used P+2, so it was a possibility.  When the spotting continued for the third day, I was scratching my head.  I needed to rule out something.  Anything.  Taking my temperature wouldn't have helped at that point because I was post-peak regardless (either P+3 or P+14).  So I did the only other thing that I could think of that might shed some light on things—take a HPT.  DH came along to the store for moral support.  I found one of the $0.88 ones that I had heard about from NFP circles.

The before picture.  Prior to opening the box, I didn't even know
what the test would look like.  This was foreign territory.

I read the directions about twenty times because I didn't want to mess it up.  I was nervous, even though I was 99% sure it would be negative.  It was.

My first ever real BFN.

AF started the next day.  What a messed up cycle.  Dr. K thought the two days of good mucus post-peak was just premenstrual mucus/fluid that some women have.  I didn't know you could all of a sudden develop premenstrual mucus, but I guess you can...?

In that same cycle review, I mentioned that I have pain again during my period.  Boo.  :(  I've had a couple cycles lately with premenstrual spotting (three or more days of spotting before AF), and Dr. K had thought that was due to inflammation because my hormone levels were above normal. Does pain + inflammation = endo??

Well, we're going to find out.  In a week.  It all came together really quickly.

Next Friday, I'm having a laparoscopy with Dr. E, who did my last surgery 21 months ago.  Surgery #3.  Honestly, I hope it IS endo and that it can be cleaned out with just a regular laparoscopy.  Last time Dr. E had the option to switch to the robot during my surgery if she needed it (and she did). This time there will be no switching, so if there is too much endo or it's too hard to reach, I'll need a second bigger surgery with the robot (and a two week recovery).  If this is endo again, I must have some crazy aggressive form that it keeps coming back.  :(

I really don't expect this surgery to help us get pregnant.  DH is more optimistic.  I feel like we're fighting an uphill, losing battle against endo and infection/inflammation.  It seems like we can never fix both at the same time. The infection/inflammation had been taken care of for several months, but who knows if I had endo sneakily growing back during that time.  And now if we remove the endo again, I don't know that the antibiotic that used to work will still be strong enough to beat the TEBB.  Dr. E will be doing cultures of my uterus during my surgery, so we'll see what the bug status is in there.  I hope I haven't picked up any new bacteria like last time I was cultured.  :(

I'm disappointed to be having surgery again.  Being pain-free would be really nice.  Maybe the third time's the charm and this will keep the endo away longer?  A girl can dream...  :)

Tomorrow I'm headed to the IF retreat Rebecca is running this weekend, so hopefully that will take my mind off of surgery.  I'm looking forward to some IRL conversations with other IFers.  :)