Surgery details

A novel by polkadot

Here is all you ever wanted to know and more about my surgery experience.  You might want to get comfortable because this is long.  :)  I didn't sleep much the night before surgery.  We set multiple alarms to ensure that we woke up on time (in the middle of the night).  I totally expected to be a nervous wreck and possibly even nauseous...but amazingly I felt pretty calm when I woke up.  Praise God.  DH and I arrived at the hospital at 6:00 a.m.  They took me back to a room so I could change into a gown, non-slip socks, and a lovely pink surgical cap.  The nursing assistant covered me with a thick sheet (nice and warm!) and hooked me up to a machine that took my vitals.  I still wasn't feeling too nervous at that point, and my blood pressure proved it—it was under 115!  Seeing that actually calmed me down more.  The nurse was even impressed.  I take no credit of course for that.  It was all grace.  :)  When she starting setting up to insert the IV,  I warned her that my previous experience with an IV resulted in me fainting.  Maybe she was going to do it anyway, but she gave me an injection of lidocaine to numb up the area first.  Unfortunately, the lidocaine didn't quite go in the right place, so I could feel the IV going in.  She felt really bad and apologized several times, but it turned out fine.  Honestly, the IV was my biggest worry so I was relieved when it was over.  :)

I had a stream of visitors after that—anesthesiologist, nurse anesthetist, other staff members, and finally Dr. C.  I was asked several times to confirm my identity and to list the procedures I was going to have done.  At one point, there was a person on either side of my small bed reading my medical file (which was on my lap) aloud to each other so they were both sure the plan was correct.  :)  Since I "passed" their paperwork inspection, they gave me a blue surgical cap to wear.  Then DH came in for a little while. I'm sure I was quite a sight to behold with all of the cords and things attached to me.  ;)

I remember being rolled into the OR and was surprised that there were so many people in the room...definitely more than you see on tv shows.  hahaha  I didn't really get a chance to look around much before I went to sleep—it happened very quickly.  When I woke up, I was in a small room with the lights dimmed.  DH appeared shortly after that.  I was comfortable and warm and not in pain, but I don't remember much else.  I begged DH for details from his conversation with Dr. C (which happened while I was still sleeping).  He wanted me to relax and not think about the results.  This made me worry that there was bad news...so I was able to pry some info out of him—some endometriosis, open tubes, no polyp.  He started to tell me that the resident was afraid during the surgery so I made him stop talking.  Those details could wait.  ;)

DH helped me get dressed.  Ladies, let me tell you—lounging pants with a flat panel around the waist instead of a drawstring or elastic band are the best!!  At some point the pain set in.  The nurse gave me a pill orally which helped for a while but made me nauseous.  Then a second type of pain started—it felt like really bad menstrual cramps, so she gave me something in my IV.  DH sat on the side of my bed and held my hand for a long time until the pain subsided.  Then the nurse started asking if I had to urinate.  (DH shared with me later that he thought it was a silly question...the nurse had told DH earlier that they had emptied my bladder during surgery with the catheter, and since I hadn't had anything to drink since midnight, DH knew there was no way I would be able to urinate when she asked...)  She gave me a large cup of water to drink.  It's hard to drink let alone chug water when you're slightly nauseous.  Once I finished the cup, she took me to the bathroom down the hall in a wheelchair.  I don't know if she was expecting my kidneys to work instantaneously, but it did seem a little premature to be heading to the bathroom...  ;)  I tried but it didn't work.  So she took me back to the room and did an ultrasound to measure how much was in my bladder. 100 cc is not enough, so she gave me more water to drink and fluids in my IV.  DH amused himself by announcing how much fluid I had received at various intervals.  Trip #2 to the bathroom was unsuccessful.  The nurse seemed to be getting impatient.  If I could have willed myself to go, I would have!  I knew that we could go home as soon as this was accomplished.  Ultrasound #2 showed 200 cc, which was still not enough.  The nurse went on her lunch break so a different nurse took over.  Nurse #2 was less impatient.  Trip #3 was still unsuccessful but only because I could not make my muscles work—I could tell that there was enough urine available but nothing happened.  Doing Kegels didn't help either.  It was a bit scary actually—I thought maybe a nerve or something had been damaged during surgery.  The only specific detail DH had told me about his conversation with Dr. C was that there was "endo on my ureter," and the resident was too scared to remove it because of its location, but Dr. C removed it anyway.  This was going through my mind the whole time...  The nurse suggested that I try walking around, so DH escorted me up and down the hallway.  DH actually offered me his arm and said, "Would you take a turn about the room with me?"  (a reference to Pride and Prejudice, which made me smile)  :)  Finally on trip #4, about four hours from the time I started drinking water, I had success.  It wasn't much as I really couldn't make my muscles work well but it was enough to let us go home.  (It took about a day for those muscles to go back to normal...I wish I had been told that ahead of time...)  I was so relieved.  So was the nurse.

I slept in the car for about an hour.  Then we stopped at a Walm.art along the way to fill my prescriptions.  I thought it would be good for me to be up and walking around, so I went in with DH.  I was doing well for about 15 minutes, but perhaps it was too much activity too soon because I started getting nauseous.  Luckily I made it to the restroom in time.  It would have been rather embarrassing if I hadn't made it.  Afterward I felt much better but retreated to the car to take it easy.

We made it home around dinnertime.  All I could manage to eat was applesauce.  I had been instructed to take the prescription ibuprofen on a schedule for the first 24 hours whether I was in pain or not.  I was surprised that they also gave me oxyco.done...I thought my pre-op instructions said I should just take over the counter ibuprofen as needed.  However, I was very thankful to have it.  I learned quickly that the ibuprofen only relieved the uterus cramping, and that the oxy.codone only relieved the more generalized abdominal pain.  I was able to sleep for a few hours at a time between doses.  I also learned that if I had extra abdominal pain between doses, it meant I had to go to the bathroom.  (I had absolutely no other indication that I needed to urinate—no urgency, nothing.  In fact, I still don't.)

The next morning DH had to go to work, so he set up everything I needed near the bed.  I planned to spend most of the day in bed because the oxy.codone makes me dizzy and nauseous if I walk around much, and I was still pretty exhausted after two nights of little sleep.  Plus getting up from the bed by myself was still difficult and painful.  When both pain medicines kicked in, I was able to take a nap.  When I was awake, the heating pad helped a lot.  DH called during the day to check on me.  By the time he came home, I was feeling so much better.  My appetite was back finally, and I wasn't needing the oxy.codone as much.  I tried to walk (hobble) around as much as I could.

Then after much anticipation, it was time to listen to Dr. C's post-op report that DH had recorded.  Dr. C printed out pictures from the surgery and explained them all.  He didn't mention what stage the endometriosis was, but he found it in 5 spots: above the uterus, near one uterosacral ligament, under an ovary, right over the bowel, and near a ureter.  He was confident that he found and completely excised (cut out, not lasered) all of the endo, even the two spots that the resident was too scared to touch (bowel and ureter).  I appreciate that Dr. C was somewhat fearless in removing the endo.  :)  He said he did check the integrity of the bowel after removing the endo, and it was fine.  He found a small fibroid sticking off of the top of the uterus, but he didn't think it would affect fertility because of its location and small size, so he left it alone.  My tubes were completely open, and the fimbriae looked healthy.  He explained how he leveled off most of septum so it wasn't obstructing the uterus so much; the after picture looked really nice compared to the before picture  The whole surgery was done in under 2 hours.  He said we'll talk about the next steps at my post-op appointment in three weeks.  In the meantime, I am taking Premarin (estrogen) for three weeks (to build up the lining so it doesn't stick together where the septum was removed) followed by Provera (progesterone) for 10 days (to stabilize the lining).  How Dr. C described it:  If the lining of the uterus is like a lawn, estrogen is the fertilizer, and progesterone is the lawn mower.  When I stop the Provera, I'll have a withdrawal bleed and then go back to normal cycles.  I also have a stent (balloon) in my uterus holding it open to prevent adhesions.  It can be removed after three days (by DH or me).  The cord is like a large, plastic tampon string, and I am looking forward to life without it.  :)

I am remembering you all in prayer and offering up my pain for you.  I am trying to be patient during recovery, but it is hard, and I admit I have cried a couple times.  DH has been so supportive and an amazing caregiver, and he has been helping me try to stay positive.  Thank you again for all of your prayers.  They mean so much to me.  :)

Surgery is done!

Well, ladies, I survived.  :)  Thanks for all your prayers!  I appreciated them so much.  I'll write a more detailed account this week, but here's a short summary for those of you dying to know how it went.  I know there has got to be at least one person out there who is as curious about another IF blogger's surgery results as I am...  ;)  Ironically I'm not as impatient with knowing my own results as you will learn shortly.

Dr. C found and removed some endometriosis.  I don't know what stage it was, but there wasn't much.  My tubes were open.  I don't think there was a polyp.  My uterine septum is history.  That is about all I know of the results.  Dr. C spoke with DH before I woke up from anesthesia and recorded the conversation on my cell phone so I can listen to it tomorrow.  Today I just needed to (try to) relax and recover.  My pain is pretty well-controlled by more than one medication.  DH doing a fabulous job taking care of me.  More details to come tomorrow after I am more rested.  :)

Anointing of the Sick

I have wondered for a while if infertility is an acceptable reason to receive the sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.  Somehow it happened that every time the thought crossed my mind, I was nowhere near a computer to look it up.  I knew the sacrament was for the seriously ill, but how serious did the illness have to be?  I have known people to receive the sacrament before having surgery.  DH suggested that we just go to our priest for the answer.  So we did.  After Mass on Sunday, we were sort of able to pull Fr. aside amidst the line of exiting parishioners greeting him on their way out.  I said I was wondering about the Anointing of the Sick.  Fr. looked all worried and asked if I was the one to be (possibly) anointed.  When I nodded, he asked why I was going into the hospital.  (I had not said I was going into the hospital...that was his assumption.)  I said I was having surgery for infertility.  That was all he needed to hear, and he said, "Let's do it right now."  Before I could answer he was halfway to the ushers' room so he could wash his hands.  By the time we reached him, he already had the holy oil.  (He wasn't wasting any time!)  He led us to the back of church.  DH stood next to me as Fr. started to pray over me.  He placed his hands on my head, was silent for a few moments, then continued to pray out loud.  By that point I couldn't hold back the tears anymore--it was so moving.  Then he anointed my forehead and hands.  I felt the most incredible peaceful feeling come over me.  Afterward Fr. promised to pray for us and to ask for the intercession of St. Paul of the Cross, who was known during his lifetime to be a powerful intercessor for couples who could not have children.  (I did not know that.)  Fr. said women would travel long distances to ask him for prayers for this very reason. 

Since the Anointing, I have been feeling a lot less anxiety about the surgery itself.  :)  I can't believe it's less than a week away!

I had my pre-op appointment last week.  Aside from waiting 1.33 hours to be seen, it was uneventful.  A doctor I had never met before reviewed the consent form with me and answered my questions.  I asked if they found too much endo, would they turn the surgery into a laparotomy (bigger incision, much looonger recovery time) to clean out all the endo (no).  I learned that they are doing something called chromotubation instead of the HSG.  The concept is the same—squirt liquid in the uterus and see if it spills out the tubes—but instead of viewing the results on a screen like they do with the HSG, they watch live during surgery.  She said if no liquid spills out, it's not a conclusive test, so then I might still need an actual HSG.  Let's hope that is not the case... 

Then a nursing assistant gave me the instructions on how to prepare for surgery.  No bowel prep.  Nice.  :)  I just have to wash with antibacterial soap the night before and morning of the surgery and not eat or drink anything after midnight.  The not eating part won't be a problem, especially if the surgery is in the morning, but the not drinking part will be harder.  My water bottle and I are attached at the hip.  ;)  Given the long drive to the hospital, I told DH he has to hide my water bottle so I don't accidentally drink some.  There's a big note at the bottom of my surgery prep sheet that says your surgery will be canceled if you break this rule. 

After receiving my pre-op instructions, they sent me to the lab for bloodwork.  I had to laugh...one of the tests ordered was the HCG/pregnancy test.  I should have e-mailed my doctor ahead of time to cancel that, although I suppose it might be a routine test for all patients.  With the timing of this past cycle, we decided to avoid pregnancy (and we ended up not using any days pre-peak), so any conception would have been of the immaculate variety.  ;)  This was my first ever pregnancy test of ANY kind...and it was during a cycle when it was impossible that we conceived.  And as it turned out, they e-mailed me the results on Valentine's Day.  Good thing I already knew what the results would be...  ;)

Can you put infertility on your resume?

Sometimes I feel like trying to find the cause of our infertility amounts to a part-time job...without a paycheck, of course.  ;)  I wonder if it could be used as an example during a job interview, say, as the answer to the question, "Describe your organizational skills."  I remember being asked that question during my last job interview...  You would think that the tasks we do routinely—calling the pharmacy to refill prescriptions, picking up prescriptions or arranging their shipment so they arrive in time for the appropriate cycle day, finding a lab who will work with us, coordinating with the doctor's office to have the latest order faxed to that lab, scheduling appointments and lab draws around my work schedule, calling the insurance company to confirm coverage, staying on top of medical bills—should count for something, right?  You could imagine what a description for a resume might look like...coordinated logistics, managed inventory, liaised with health care professionals... Maybe someone who's more creative than me could write up a pretend resume entry.  ;)

This week my assignment was to prepare for a SFA.  This will be our first one.  I knew it would have to be done at some point, but I'm still not really looking forward to it.  I am a bit surprised it wasn't suggested sooner; however, my chart had definite issues that would have been addressed regardless.  Technically, my non-NaPro ob/gyn did mention SFA back when we had only been TTC for 8 months or so (but it was too soon to order it at that point, in his opinion).  He knew we were Catholic, so we had this little discussion about our theoretical infertility testing:

Doc: One of the first things I would want to do is get a SFA.  Would that be a problem?
Me:  No, of course not.  I'll just order a kit.  [to collect SF in a licit manner]
Doc:  Hmmm.  I thought you'd say that.  The lab here really doesn't like it when samples are obtained that way.  *sigh*  But it's going to have to do.  Okay, that's what we'll do.

Anyway...so this week I called the PPVI Institute to order the SF collection kit.  (Side note:  Anyone can order one from the Institute; you don't have to be a patient of theirs, and you don't need your doctor to send them anything.)  Next I had to find a local lab that would do the analysis.  I figured it would be easy, right?  I just needed to confirm the location of where to drop off the sample and when they open in the morning, and we'd be all set.  Well, not exactly.  I started by calling the hospital lab number.  The woman was nice and said they don't handle SFA there, but she would transfer me to woman #2 in the hospital who could help me.  Here's the conversation with woman #2:

Me:  Hi, my husband needs to have a se.minal fluid analysis done.  Are you the person to speak with about that?
Her:  You need an analysis...of what?
Me:  sem..in..al flu..id (spoken slowly and enunciated as clearly as I could)
Her:  Ummm.  I'm sorry.  I don't know what that is.
(*short pause*)
I was about ready to say, "Well, it's the fluid produced when..."
Her:  Just one moment, please.

She put me on hold and returned about a minute later.  Thank goodness someone in her office knew what SF was so I didn't have to explain it.  :)

Her:  You're going to have to call clinic XYZ about that.  We don't handle it here at the hospital.
Me:  Do you have that clinic's number?
Her:  No, sorry.

I pulled out the phone book and called clinic XYZ.  I explained that we would be bringing the sample into the clinic, which the receptionist seemed to understand.  She said it had to arrive within 30-45 minutes.  (I had heard less time than that so we'll try to err on the shorter end of that range.)  Okay, no problem, I thought—just tell me where to drop it off and your hours...  Not so fast.  She said DH needs an appointment with the nurse who will talk to him and then send the sample to the lab.  Those appointments are only available two days a week.  So now instead of just hurrying to get the sample to the clinic within about 30 minutes of its collection, we will have to time things (aka "sample collection") more precisely so we arrive at the clinic at an appointed time, which also happens to be within the appropriate window of time so the sample is still usable.  Do you see the (small?) dilemma here?  This seems like a lot of pressure on DH.  He handled the news about these new logistics remarkably well, given the extra constraints.  I didn't make the appointment yet.  I think it will probably be after my surgery so we can do it post-peak, which is my preference.

Speaking of my surgery...I didn't know what needs to be done ahead of time in terms of informing my insurance company about it, so I called the hospital where the surgery will take place.  They said my doctor's office should have already sent the surgery info to my insurance company, but I should call them to confirm that.  So I did.  They had no knowledge of the upcoming surgery but they said because it's an outpatient procedure, a pre-authorization isn't required.  To any of you who have had a laparoscopy before, does this sound right?  My pre-op appointment is next week, so I'll ask again then.

An infertile girl's guide to sewing for fertile friends

That wouldn't make a bad blog title, would it?  Maybe I should branch out...  ;)

A while ago I shared the story that my BIL's girlfriend was pregnant.  Well, my new nephew has arrived.  (I won't get to meet him until the summer.)  Not long after his birth, his parents were married at the courthouse.  I was surprised that it happened so quickly.  DH found out about the wedding plans from his mom just a few days before the wedding, so there was no possible way for us to make the trip...but we weren't technically invited.  We live far away, so it didn't bother us so much but the rest of the siblings live within an hour or two so the trip would have been easy for them...  I guess they wanted a really small group—only both sets of parents and one sibling attended.

Back before my nephew was born, I had planned to sew something for the new mom.  I was going to make her a breastfeeding wrap which I have seen friends use and rave about—the nice kind with the rigid top so you can see the baby easily (which can cost up to $35 online)—but I could not get confirmation that she would be breastfeeding...so I needed a plan B.  What I came up with was: burp cloths.  It seems trendy moms have decorated burp cloths because that is so much more fun than a plain one.  I really don't know if this is true or if the gazillion crafting ladies' blogs just say so because it's an easy sewing project.  ;)  If I had a baby, I would think ease of washing or sheer volume of cloths would trump how cute the cloth looked.  However, I will not underestimate the power that pretty things have to boost one's mood...and once I finished them, I wanted to keep them because they were pretty darn cute.  I tried to get DH to brainstorm with me how we could use them...no luck.  Well, if nothing else, these (10) cloths will add to the quantity she has so she can do laundry less.  :)





I guess I can't start a blog on sewing for fertile people until I have a fertile friend give me all the inside information on what's practical and what's not...  ;)

Up next: laparoscopy

I had an appointment with the NaPro surgeon Dr. C this week.  My surgery is all planned out and will include: laparoscopy, HSG, and removal of a uterine septum.  He said I'll be back to work within a week.  It's a big step, but I am excited to rule out (or rule in and treat!) several diagnoses all at once—endo, open/blocked tubes, polyp, etc.

The appointment itself went well.  Dr. C reviewed the last four months of charting just in case there was anything he missed that we could try before surgery.  He said if I wanted to we could try ovulation inducers (Clomid or Femara) for 3-6 months as an alternative way to improve post-peak progesterone (by improving follicle quality you improve corpus luteum quality).  But he preferred (and I agreed) to do surgery first because it might get us closer to figuring out the cause of the bleeding...and he also wants the septum gone asap.  Usually if a septum is going to cause a problem, it would cause miscarriage, but it's possible it could be playing a role in our infertility.

Dr. C's current theory as to the cause of my crazy bleeding is possible adenomyosis (endo within the uterine wall).  I have wondered that for a while as well.  A couple years ago I even asked my non-NaPro ob/gyn if he thought I could possibly have adenomyosis when we were looking into my unusual bleeding.  (He looked at me like I had two heads when I asked that.)  I am not a medical expert but when a girl happens to own the NaPro textbook and notices that her chart looks strikingly similar to the sample chart from a woman with adenomyosis, she starts to wonder these things...  ;)  Unfortunately adenomyosis is tough to diagnosis without removing the uterus.  Sometimes if it's superficial it can be visible during a laparoscopy—there's a picture in the NaPro textbook.  Dr. C also said it can appear on MRI.  I did have an MRI last year, and the report didn't mention it...

Dr. C said it would be about three months before he could fit me in his surgery schedule.  However, the scheduler called me yesterday, and the first available date is in February!  My surgery is on 2/21—that's six weeks from now!!  It's probably good that it's scheduled so soon so I have less time to be nervous.  :)  It feels good to be making progress!

15 minutes of fame for IF bloggers

Have you seen this article at Our Sunday Visitor?  If not, go check it out.  It's a really nice piece that highlights some of the IF bloggers.

Catholic women struggling with infertility form online community

Prayer buddy reveal

It was my great privilege to pray for Sew during Advent prayer buddies.  I know my prayers for her were accompanied by many, many others as she went into early labor.  I am so thankful baby Hannah arrived healthy and didn't have to spend extra time in the hospital. This was my first time doing prayer buddies, so I felt rather humbled to be praying for Sew, as hers was one of the first infertile blogs I found.  Without knowing it, she introduced me to this wonderful community of Catholic women carrying the cross of IF, and I am forever grateful.  :)

Merry Christmas to all of you!!

Hematologist is history

Hooray!  :)  The hematologist Dr. D called me this week and said my repeat heme labs were normal!  He attributes the previous abnormal values to the uterine strep infection that I had at the time my blood was drawn.  That infection is gone now according to these new labs.  He said there is no reason for me to follow up with him anymore.  I don't have a clotting disorder!  Praise the Lord!

So do you know what this means?  (Besides me not having a chronic illness or extra risk for any future surgery...both of which are a relief to me...)

We are back to TTC!!

Now wait just a second.  Before you get too excited, let me remind you...I mean, me (I need this reminder more than you)...that not much has changed since the last time we were TTC, except the elimination of a pesky strep infection in my uterus.  Whether that infection was the only remaining impediment to conception remains to be seen.  Realistically I don't know if that will make the difference for me.  Can you see how I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high?  hahaha  I know infection can definitely be a factor, but is it the factor for me?  If you had to measure it—and I do like numbers—my hope just might be a few percentage points higher than it was the last time we were TTC.  :) 

I want to believe it's possible to conceive now, but it seems like taking an antibiotic to "cure" my infertility is taking the easy way out.  In my head, I think I won't have "earned my stripes" as an IFer unless I have surgery.  Is that a silly thought?  Yes, of course.  It's not a competition who can endure the hardest treatment.  Do I want to have surgery?  Nooooooo.  Is surgery the next step?  Probably.  Or at least that's what Dr. C said the last time I saw him.  When I e-mailed him about these latest heme results, he seemed to have forgotten the plan he told me in September.  (DH said to go easy on him because he probably has tons of patients and didn't remember my case specifically.)  I will be sure to remind him in January when I see him next...  ;)

Since we're back to TTC, this also means resuming HCG!  While I'm not so fond of the injection part, I CANNOT wait to have relief from PMS again.  Seriously, HCG is like liquid gold to me.  This past cycle I wasn't on anything post-peak (not even oral progesterone which I've been taking for years), and I was pretty much a monster.  hahaha  (It's only funny after the fact, of course.)  Poor DH.

So back to the topic of TTC...

These last four cycles where we've been taking a doctor-requested break from TTC have been interesting.  At first it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of the arrival of CD1.  CD1 came, and I didn't bat an eye or shed a tear.  It was nice.  Really nice.  No huge emotional crash with the start of a new cycle.  It was almost like living back in the pre-IF days.  (ahhh, ignorant bliss)  ;)  That lasted maybe the first cycle or two.  Then every once in while (usually at Mass) I would spontaneously think of something IF-related and then...cue the uncontrollable tears.  It was totally unpredictable.  It was also confusing because I reasoned that there was no possible way to be pregnant at that time, so I shouldn't be so emotional.  However, my heart didn't "forget" that we were still IF, even though we stopped TTC for a few cycles.  By the third break cycle, I was getting antsy.  I'd had enough of this "avoiding" pregnancy...we couldn't conceive using the fertile days before...why should it be any different now?  With all the waiting it seemed like we were wasting time and weren't making any progress.  (Granted it's hard to make progress between doctor appointments...)  ;)  I am learning patience...slowly.  hahaha

Now that we're back to TTC I don't know where my emotions are headed...back on the roller coaster, I suppose.  I feel like these past few cycles have been a way to emotionally take a deep breath and relax a bit...kind of like getting rejuvenated for the next stretch.  Now I'm ready to go again!  I don't know if we'll get pregnant anytime soon, but I am excited to at least try.  :)  This cycle will be a challenge since the entire fertile time will occur while traveling...and the bedroom we're staying in has a squeaky mattress and a door that doesn't close completely.  This bedroom is also sandwiched between two other bedrooms whose doors will not be closed as the occupants sleep.  Hmmm...I'm not sure how we're going to pull this off.  I guess there's always next cycle...  ;)

In addition to our TTC break, I think Advent has been really helpful for restoring some emotional sanity.  Praying for my first-ever prayer buddy has been a wonderful experience...it definitely moved the focus off of me and my desires.

I need to say though that whoever is praying for me must have some powerful prayers.  Let me tell you what happened a few days ago.  I had a breakthrough of sorts.  I was reflecting on what lessons infertility has taught me, and I could not fathom how else I would have learned them.  And I was filled with a deep sense of gratitude at having my eyes opened to those lessons...how privileged I was to learn them...how lots of other people don't have this opportunity...so I prayed:  "Thank you, God, for my infertility.  Thank you so much."  And I meant it.  Am I crazy?  (Wait, don't answer that.)  In a brief moment, I felt "free" of my infertility—like it didn't matter at all if God chose to take it away or let me keep it.  Total peace.  For a second...maybe two.  :)  That is not to say I still don't desire to have children with my whole heart—I definitely do.  But I got a tiny glimpse of peace...now how do I make that come back?  :)  So, thank you in advance, dear prayer buddy, for all your prayers this Advent.  And thank you to all of you who have also have prayed for me.  Please know I am praying for you, too.  :)

"When are you going to have kids?" (your advice, please)

All right, ladies. I need some advice. With Christmas and New Year’s Eve fast approaching, we have several family & friend gatherings on the calendar. I know the dreaded question is coming....

So...when are you going to have kids?

Here's where you ladies come in...how do you answer that question? I want a list of options. Give me anything you can think of or anything you've said or anything you've heard someone else say. I need to feel prepared (if that is possible). hahaha

Here's where I'm at: We’ve been TTC for a year and a half. No one in my family knows that, not even my parents. I had this crazy dream of surprising them with news of a pregnancy out of the blue but obviously that hasn't happened so months and months have passed but I still want to surprise them with good news not bad news. (“Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad, we're infertile. Let me tell you the tests we’ve had done and the treatments we’ve tried…" Not a fun conversation.) Maybe I'll consider having that conversation if/when I have surgery, but not today. Thankfully my parents are not the type to ask about us having kids...

A few of my friends know we've been "having trouble" but all the friends we will see in the next few weeks (except maybe one) don't have a clue, like all my relatives. What the world (i.e. people who know me IRL) sees is this: We have been married for a few years but we have had some major "crosses" during our marriage and sometimes more than one at a time. I won't give specifics but it's the kind of stuff that makes people stop and say, "Wow. I'm sorry!" while secretly thinking, “Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that.” This summer was the first time all of those major crosses were gone. And everyone knows it. So now here we are, several months after the last big cross is lifted... If you had a friend/relative who was a faithful Catholic and NFP teacher, wouldn't you start to think, “Hmmm. I wonder when the babies will start to arrive…” Fair enough assumption. :) But I’m not sure everyone will be keeping that happy little thought where it belongs—in their heads. :) I bet the temptation to say it must be enormous but is it really asking too much to resist? It does seem like an innocent little question and obviously if someone suspected difficulty in achieving or sustaining a pregnancy they would never dream of asking a potentially hurtful question like that. But who really considers IF (or miscarriage for that matter) as a possibility for someone you know? I know it's not my default assumption...well it wasn't until we couldn't conceive...now it is definitely on my radar. Even while working with couples struggling to have a child, I still assumed normal fertility for anyone I knew...maybe I was just hoping that they wouldn't have to deal with the hardships of IF or miscarriage. Anyway, my point is: Who has IF in the back of her mind when thinking about another couple’s fertility? Probably not many people.

Case in point: A friend I last saw in the summer patted my tummy and said, “The next time I see you, there better be a baby in there.” She is the sweetest girl, and if she had any idea of our experience, she would never have said that. But she is super fertile (and is surrounded by others who haven't had trouble conceiving) so I'm guessing she just assumed we wouldn't have any trouble TTC either.

I guess the reason I'm asking for advice on what to say is that I am pretty sensitive. I have heard the stories of what other IF ladies have had to listen to (unsolicited advice on how to have a baby, insensitive remarks, etc.), and I'm not sure I can handle that emotionally...which is why only a few super trustworthy friends IRL know. This doesn't apply to my immediate family...I really just want to surprise them, and it’s not so much of a surprise if they know you're TTC. (So if I haven’t told my family, it must mean I still have hope…right? Right!) ;) There has been plenty of grief and tears with IF already...I'm just trying to protect my heart from some more (avoidable?) pain.

So any responses you can share to the question above would be most appreciated. :) Especially kind-sounding, please-don’t-ever-bring-up-the-topic-with-me-again responses would be great. You ladies are the best. Thanks in advance. :)