1. Did you all survive Mother's Day okay? I didn't e-mail our pastor ahead of time asking for sensitivity to IF with an alternative blessing that would include IF and miscarriage or an intercession mentioning IF like others were doing at their parishes. I thought I'd take my chances going to Mass on Saturday hoping that it would be less mother-focused. We have new priests since last Mother's Day, so I had no precedent to go by. (The previous priests kept the Mother's Day references to a minimum and did not do a blessing of mothers.) My plan backfired. The priest, who was ordained last year and probably has a lot of new-priest zeal, did his best to infuse Mother's Day into every part of the Mass possible. By communion time, I hadn't shed a tear or even had the urge to cry, so I thought I was doing pretty well. When I returned to the pew and heard the line in the song ("when we have run with patience the race") that usually makes me cry because it reminds me how long IF has been and how long it might be yet, I lost it and started sobbing—the kind where your whole body shakes and people might be able to hear you. I tried to stop, but there was nothing to do except try to think of people to pray for and let the tears come until my tear ducts were empty. (I swear I have gallon-sized tear ducts.) By the time everyone sat down, I had calmed down, and the tears were down to a slow trickle. I noticed the wood of the pew in front of me was quite wet... The priest then asked mothers to stand for a blessing, and under my breath I said, "Please, no..." and the tears picked up again. I think he was trying to include more people because he said all "past mothers, current mothers, and future mothers" should stand. I don't know if by "future mother" he meant those who are pregnant? I'd like to hope I'm a non-pregnant "future mother" but I didn't stand. His blessing wasn't really a blessing, but three different prayer intentions—for those whose mothers have died, for mothers who have lost a child, and for mothers of living children—so there was really no need for the standing. I'm glad he acknowledged two groups who would find Mother's Day to be a sad day, but I'm not surprised there was no mention of those who long to be (physical) mothers. I would guess that to a non-IFer, loss of a dream isn't on the same radar screen as loss of a real person.
Despite a not-so-great start to Mother's Day a day earlier, I spent a quiet day at home on Sunday with DH and tried my best to forget what day it was.
2. Two very sweet friends sent me messages saying they were praying for me on Mother's Day. Both were told prior to marriage that they would likely never hold a biological child in their arms, so they knew the pain of IF. One recently gave birth and the other is pregnant and due in a few months despite doctors' predictions, so the fact that they still thought of me and other childless wives on Mother's Day was a nice consolation. A couple of my mom friends posted an article on FB about remembering IFers and single women on Mother's Day, so the day wasn't all bad. ;)
3. I haven't cried that hard (see #1) in a long time. AF is here, and there have been no tears. Last cycle I think there weren't tears until CD4, and that was only because of some trigger like a cascade of pregnancy and birth announcements in rapid succession. (Why do they come in groups??) I actually think it has been months since I've cried on CD1, which is not at all how I used to handle CD1. Either I'm all scarred inside and attempting to numb the pain or I'm learning to accept not being pregnant. I suppose it could be partially a third option as well—I've given up thinking we'll get pregnant; if I don't get my hopes up during the 2ww, then there's less disappointment when AF shows up because I just know she's coming. And I don't do it on purpose in an attempt to make CD1 easier; I truly don't have (much) hope about pregnancy anymore. If God wants to surprise me, that would be fabulous, but at the moment He'd have to do it without any optimism on my part. (totally within His purview, of course) ;)
4. It looks like, from my non-expert eye anyway, that we might have had an effective cycle (where everything is treated/fixed) last cycle. I'm not excited about one incidence of spotting that happened around ovulation time because, in the past, I've only had that in cycles were I also had endo. All mid-cycle spotting disappeared immediately after both of my surgeries. Coincidence? I hope so. My periods aren't painful so that is encouraging. But I am getting a little nervous because it was at this time point after my first surgery (about 15 months) that my periods became painful again. It's been 15 months since my second surgery. I really, really don't want a third one. Right now probably the only thing that would convince me to have a third surgery is unbearable pain; fixing our IF doesn't seem like it would be enough of a reason anymore. I am hoping and praying something we've done after the second surgery (diet or medicine) is going to help keep the endo away for longer, or dare I say it, permanently...
5. So now we're on to (hopefully) effective cycle #2. I am very curious to see if the TEBB stays away again this cycle. That would be a record for me—two cycles in a row!
6. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist next week to find out the significance of my diffusely enlarged pituitary. I hope it doesn't require a pint of my blood to figure out what other havoc my pituitary may be causing besides the elevated prolactin. :P
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Friday, May 16, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
IF t-shirts that talk for you
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Need a little homemade pampering?
Yes, you do. Especially tomorrow when, if you're like me, you wouldn't mind crawling under a rock somewhere and hiding until Monday.
Here are some recipes you could use to turn your home into a mini spa. Most of the ingredients are really common, and you might already have them at home. I made all of these recipes and put them in mason jars as a Christmas present for a relative who requested spa items. They were a huge hit (and not just with the recipient) in case you need gift ideas for the ladies in your life. I didn't get a chance to try any of the finished products, so I might be making them again for me very soon. :) (mason jars not required!)
All of the recipes below involve ingredients that are not in danger of spoiling. When I was searching for recipes to make, I had to exclude all recipes that included fresh ingredients (meant to be used immediately) or those that required refrigeration because I made everything a few days ahead of time. If you plan to use an item right away, you wouldn't be limited by those factors. There are tons more recipes available online, so if there's a certain item you're looking for (face scrub, foot scrub, etc.) or a certain ingredient you want to use (strawberry, etc.), search for it by name.
Tea foot soak source
1 cup baking soda
1/2 cup salt
4 Tbsp of loose tea* (or the contents of 4 tea bags)
Whisk ingredients in a bowl. Store in an airtight container.
To use: Add 2 Tbsp of mixture to a basin of warm water and soak feet in it.
*The original recipe called for peppermint tea. I used autumn tea because it smelled the nicest of the teas we had in the pantry.
Scented foot scrub source
3 Tbsp baking soda
1 Tbsp body wash
1 Tbsp water
Mix ingredients in a bowl.
To use: After soaking feet, gently rub the mixture over your feet. Rinse well.
Face exfoliator source
3 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
2 Tbsp honey
1/2 cup sugar (I used brown sugar)
Use this 1 to 3 times a week depending on how sensitive your skin is. It removes dead skin and rehydrates the skin.
Citrus salt body scrub source
1/2 cup sea salt
1/2 cup sweet almond oil (I used olive oil)**
1/2 tsp lemon zest (I used zest from 2 lemons)
1/2 tsp orange zest (I used zest from 2 oranges)
**In my opinion, this was too much oil. Add it slowly as you mix it in. I'd probably use 1/4 cup or less. I also used about double the amount of zest that the recipe called for because I wanted a stronger citrus scent. You could use even more zest.
Mix all ingredients in a bowl. (make sure the bowl is dry so no water touches the mixture) Store mixture in an airtight container. Makes about 2 servings.
To use: Just before showering, swirl ingredients together with your fingertips to mix. Clean body completely and just before exiting shower, apply this mixture to skin in a firm circular scrubbing motion with hands or a soft washcloth. Rinse off the mixture and pat body dry with a clean towel. It is an exfoliant and full-body moisturizer for use in the shower.
Lemon facial mask source
olive oil
lemon juice
Note: I used a ratio of 3 parts lemon juice to 1 part olive oil, so 1 Tbsp lemon juice to 1 tsp olive oil. (3 tsp in a Tbsp)
Mix ingredients in a small bowl.
To use: Apply the mixture to your face with a cotton ball.
Mocha body scrub source
1 cup sugar (I used brown sugar)
1 Tbsp ground coffee
1 Tbsp cocoa powder
1 tsp cinnamon
generous pinch of nutmeg
generous pinch of ginger
1/4 to 1/2 cup almond oil (I used olive oil)
Whisk together the sugar, coffee, cocoa, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger in a bowl. Whisk in 1/4 cup oil until it is completely combined with the sugar mixture. Stir in the remaining oil by the tablespoonful until desired consistency is achieved. Store mixture in an airtight container with a wide mouth.
To use: Apply to clean, wet skin in a circular motion. Rinse well and pat skin dry.
Caution: Those with sensitive skin should consider doing a patch test before using.
Green tea body scrub source
1 cup of brewed green tea, lukewarm***
2 cups sugar (I used brown sugar)
3 Tbsp fresh, grated ginger
***this was way too much tea; spoon it in slowly until the mixture is a good, thick consistency; I scaled down the entire recipe and only made a third of a batch.
Mix ingredients in a bowl.
To use: Step into the shower and rinse body so skin is wet. Starting at your neck, work the scrub into skin by massaging in a circular motion. Once your body is completely exfoliated, rinse in warm water. Apply moisturizer to cleansed, scrubbed skin.
I hope you get to enjoy some of these recipes. Maybe light some candles, turn off the lights, poor a glass of your favorite beverage, and play some relaxing music. :)
I am headed to Mass soon and I will be praying especially for all of you who find tomorrow to be one of the most difficult days of the year.
Stay tuned here tomorrow for my annual attempt at getting you to smile a little on an otherwise tough day. :)
Here are some recipes you could use to turn your home into a mini spa. Most of the ingredients are really common, and you might already have them at home. I made all of these recipes and put them in mason jars as a Christmas present for a relative who requested spa items. They were a huge hit (and not just with the recipient) in case you need gift ideas for the ladies in your life. I didn't get a chance to try any of the finished products, so I might be making them again for me very soon. :) (mason jars not required!)
All of the recipes below involve ingredients that are not in danger of spoiling. When I was searching for recipes to make, I had to exclude all recipes that included fresh ingredients (meant to be used immediately) or those that required refrigeration because I made everything a few days ahead of time. If you plan to use an item right away, you wouldn't be limited by those factors. There are tons more recipes available online, so if there's a certain item you're looking for (face scrub, foot scrub, etc.) or a certain ingredient you want to use (strawberry, etc.), search for it by name.
Tea foot soak source
1 cup baking soda
1/2 cup salt
4 Tbsp of loose tea* (or the contents of 4 tea bags)
Whisk ingredients in a bowl. Store in an airtight container.
To use: Add 2 Tbsp of mixture to a basin of warm water and soak feet in it.
*The original recipe called for peppermint tea. I used autumn tea because it smelled the nicest of the teas we had in the pantry.
Scented foot scrub source
3 Tbsp baking soda
1 Tbsp body wash
1 Tbsp water
Mix ingredients in a bowl.
To use: After soaking feet, gently rub the mixture over your feet. Rinse well.
Face exfoliator source
3 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
2 Tbsp honey
1/2 cup sugar (I used brown sugar)
Use this 1 to 3 times a week depending on how sensitive your skin is. It removes dead skin and rehydrates the skin.
Citrus salt body scrub source
1/2 cup sea salt
1/2 cup sweet almond oil (I used olive oil)**
1/2 tsp lemon zest (I used zest from 2 lemons)
1/2 tsp orange zest (I used zest from 2 oranges)
**In my opinion, this was too much oil. Add it slowly as you mix it in. I'd probably use 1/4 cup or less. I also used about double the amount of zest that the recipe called for because I wanted a stronger citrus scent. You could use even more zest.
Mix all ingredients in a bowl. (make sure the bowl is dry so no water touches the mixture) Store mixture in an airtight container. Makes about 2 servings.
To use: Just before showering, swirl ingredients together with your fingertips to mix. Clean body completely and just before exiting shower, apply this mixture to skin in a firm circular scrubbing motion with hands or a soft washcloth. Rinse off the mixture and pat body dry with a clean towel. It is an exfoliant and full-body moisturizer for use in the shower.
Lemon facial mask source
olive oil
lemon juice
Note: I used a ratio of 3 parts lemon juice to 1 part olive oil, so 1 Tbsp lemon juice to 1 tsp olive oil. (3 tsp in a Tbsp)
Mix ingredients in a small bowl.
To use: Apply the mixture to your face with a cotton ball.
Mocha body scrub source
1 cup sugar (I used brown sugar)
1 Tbsp ground coffee
1 Tbsp cocoa powder
1 tsp cinnamon
generous pinch of nutmeg
generous pinch of ginger
1/4 to 1/2 cup almond oil (I used olive oil)
Whisk together the sugar, coffee, cocoa, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger in a bowl. Whisk in 1/4 cup oil until it is completely combined with the sugar mixture. Stir in the remaining oil by the tablespoonful until desired consistency is achieved. Store mixture in an airtight container with a wide mouth.
To use: Apply to clean, wet skin in a circular motion. Rinse well and pat skin dry.
Caution: Those with sensitive skin should consider doing a patch test before using.
Green tea body scrub source
1 cup of brewed green tea, lukewarm***
2 cups sugar (I used brown sugar)
3 Tbsp fresh, grated ginger
***this was way too much tea; spoon it in slowly until the mixture is a good, thick consistency; I scaled down the entire recipe and only made a third of a batch.
Mix ingredients in a bowl.
To use: Step into the shower and rinse body so skin is wet. Starting at your neck, work the scrub into skin by massaging in a circular motion. Once your body is completely exfoliated, rinse in warm water. Apply moisturizer to cleansed, scrubbed skin.
~*~
I hope you get to enjoy some of these recipes. Maybe light some candles, turn off the lights, poor a glass of your favorite beverage, and play some relaxing music. :)
I am headed to Mass soon and I will be praying especially for all of you who find tomorrow to be one of the most difficult days of the year.
Stay tuned here tomorrow for my annual attempt at getting you to smile a little on an otherwise tough day. :)
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Lemons or something
I had no TEBB. (brown bleeding at the end of the period)
None.
This has only happened twice before: 1) the cycle after I finished the IV antibiotics two years ago and 2) the cycle after finishing the ampicillin last August. We've been continuing the antibiotics each cycle from CD1-CD10 in the hopes of keeping it away, but the TEBB reappeared and has been increasing little by little.
In August there was jumping up and down and dancing in the living room and a strong desire to scream out loud out of excitement. (I may have limited it to a small squeal.) :) This time, I'm mostly just scratching my head trying to figure out what made the TEBB go away and staring at my chart in disbelief. Don't get me wrong—I'm very happy to have a pretty red period. (Yes, I just used the word "pretty" to describe AF. After years of brown, which is truly ugly and gross, it seems fitting to me.)
The only things different this cycle were:
1) bromocriptine (to reduce prolactin) - started six days before AF arrived
2) turmeric - started day 6 of this current cycle
2) daily mug of lemon water
I tried to ask Dr. Google if bromocriptine could have an anti-inflammatory effect but didn't get very far, except for one seemingly unrelated article. I suppose there could be a different mechanism at work, but I can't speculate what it could be. I think starting turmeric on day 6 is a little too late to explain the disappearance of the TEBB. So that leads me to believe it's most likely the lemon water? It really seems too good to be true that such an easy "treatment" could be responsible...
In the past I had read about foods that were anti-inflammatory and knew lemons were on the list. Someone posted an article on FB about the benefits of drinking lemon water daily, so I decided, "Why not try it?" I figured it couldn't hurt. The directions said to put a thick slice of lemon in a cup of hot water, let it steep for a while, and then drink it. I was a little skeptical about the lack of sweetener in the water, but decided to trust the article. When DH made his daily cup of tea, he boiled some extra water for me for my "lemon tea" as I called it. (It actually sort of does remind me of lemon tea.) I was pleasantly surprised that the lemon water doesn't taste too bad, considering that lemons are so sour.
I had been drinking the lemon water daily for 3-4 weeks before AF arrived this cycle. I didn't write down the exact date I started it, probably because I didn't think it would have this dramatic of an effect.
If anyone has a better idea of why my TEBB disappeared this cycle, feel free to enlighten me. I'm not holding tightly to the lemon water theory. ;) (I spared you from the pun. You're welcome.)
So the TEBB is gone and I had been on the bromocriptine for three weeks prior to ovulation time this cycle...do you know what that means? If there isn't another issue (still low vitamin D?) or five that remain undiscovered, we might be able to count this as our first "effective" cycle*. After nearly five years of TTC, the concept of me having an effective cycle is completely foreign. The 2WW is going to get rough, especially if I get to the afternoon on P+16 like last cycle. (Thank you, bromocriptine, for lengthening my post-peak phase to the point where the mind games begin.) This cycle I won't be able to tell myself that there is no chance of pregnancy like last cycle (because prolactin was super high), so there is a possibility I could go crazy. ;) But it's been a very long time since I've had any optimism about our chances of conceiving, and that feeling seems really hard to shake. I probably should be a bit more excited than I am.
And the scoop on the bromocriptine...
Bromocriptine has definitely required time to get used to it. I knew beforehand that it has a reputation for its side effects; sometimes the side effects are bad enough to make patients switch to another medication that is easier to tolerate. (That other medicine isn't quite as "safe" to take if you're pregnant or TTC, hence starting with the safer but harsher med first. It's quite possible the nicer medicine is also safe, but a bit less is known about its effects on pregnancy.) The list of side effects on the information sheet from the pharmacy was super long...seemingly longer than most other meds I've been on. I just hoped I would be spared from nausea and vomiting. (I'll deal with them if a baby ever took up residence, but not before then.)
I took the first pill with a little fear—the first time I've been afraid to take a new medication. The side effects came rather quickly and wiped me out. I counted six different side effects on that first day, a couple of which were on the "uncommon side effects" part of the list. Lucky me. One of them was full body weakness; I could barely walk (only tiny, slow steps) and I couldn't even lift a half gallon of milk. It felt like I had the flu plus a sinus infection with some nausea on the side. Lovely, right? Thankfully I felt better the second day and the nausea was gone. On the third day I felt totally normal. I thought, "That was it? I can handle this medication!"
On the fourth day, I came *this close* to fainting during Sunday Mass. Yep, dizziness is on the list of side effects. It was warm in church and I was wearing a cardigan, but it wasn't that warm, DH claims. (In my teenage years, I fainted now and again during Mass if it was too warm, so I know the experience.) After nearly blacking out during the prayers of the faithful, I spent a while sitting with my head between my knees (still in our pew), taking slow, deep breaths in an attempt to keep oxygen flowing to my brain and trying to will myself to remain conscious. I recovered by the sign of peace, and the older woman behind me gave me a big smile of relief as I shook her hand. I swear the look in her eyes said, "Oooh, I bet this girl is pregnant." Do you know the look? (One of my Creighton clients nearly fainted once during Mass, and that's what the old ladies told her after Mass—that she must be pregnant. I knew for a fact that she was not.)
The following Sunday I made sure to wear short sleeves. I did start to feel a little dizzy again but no where near blacking out this time. Since then, I sometimes get dizzy if I stand too quickly. Thankfully, other than that, I have no remaining side effects.
Now that I know my body recognizes the bromocriptine, I hope it will be able to do its job and lower my prolactin. I think I'll find out my new prolactin level in a couple weeks.
*An effective cycle is one that looks normal (and presumes or knows ovulation occurred), has a good mucus cycle, has normal P+7 estrogen and progesterone levels, and has all known medical issues addressed (including appropriate management of stress). There also should be more than one act of intercourse during the fertile time. NaPro usually recommends TTC for 12-18 effective cycles.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Infertility Awareness Week
The post below is being published on multiple blogs this week. It was written by a group of ladies in the Catholic IF Facebook group. It's a wonderful group, and if you'd like to join it, see the end of this post for information.
Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective
One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.
This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.
We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.
If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.
The Experience of Infertility
In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.
As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”
We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.
Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.
One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.
Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.
Please…
Resources:
Infertility Companion for Catholics
Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach
Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)
Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):
Amy @ This Cross I Embrace
DM & AM @ Snapshots
K @ Lucky as Sunshine
L @ Infertile in Minnesota
Lora @ Abounding Love
Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption
Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12
Polkadot @ Making God Laugh
Rebecca @ The Road Home
Stephanie @ Blessed to Be
Stephanie @ Chateau d’IF
*A. @ All in His Perfect Timing
*Alison @ Matching Moonheads
*E. @ God’s Plan is My Joy
*Jenny @ All Things
*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things
*M. @ Joy Beyond the Cross
*Morgan @ Life as We Know It
*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace
There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.
Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective
One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.
This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.
We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.
If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.
The Experience of Infertility
In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.
As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”
We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.
Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.
One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.
Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.
Please…
- Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.
- Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.
- Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.
- Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.
- Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.
- Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.
- Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.
- Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.
- Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.
- Do not ask when we are going to “start a family.” (we started one the day we got married)
- Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.
- Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds; please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.
- Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.
Resources:
Infertility Companion for Catholics
Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach
Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)
Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):
Amy @ This Cross I Embrace
DM & AM @ Snapshots
K @ Lucky as Sunshine
L @ Infertile in Minnesota
Lora @ Abounding Love
Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption
Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12
Polkadot @ Making God Laugh
Rebecca @ The Road Home
Stephanie @ Blessed to Be
Stephanie @ Chateau d’IF
*A. @ All in His Perfect Timing
*Alison @ Matching Moonheads
*E. @ God’s Plan is My Joy
*Jenny @ All Things
*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things
*M. @ Joy Beyond the Cross
*Morgan @ Life as We Know It
*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace
There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
With open hands
That's what I was originally going to title this blog. I went with "Making God Laugh" because I didn't have a picture of hands to go along with the other title, and you absolutely cannot have a nice blog without a good picture. See, even if you don't have much that's useful to say, you should at least look good doing it. Irony of ironies, I have the same boring header I had when I started this blog 3.75 years ago...so much for that decision based on appearances. ;)
The phrase "with open hands" came from a talk I heard in college at our campus parish. The speaker was discussing how we receive gifts from God. He was trying to make the point that we are stewards but not owners, and God is free to take back the gifts at any time. Here's the image he gave us:
Imagine each gift God gives us is a balloon. The gift could be anything: spouse, particular talent, job, health, etc.
Imagine standing with your hands out ready to catch the balloon. Each of your fingers has a thumbtack on it.
The only way to catch and hold the balloon with thumbtacks is if you keep your hands wide open.
If you would try to grab the balloon or hold it tightly, it would pop. If at a later point God wanted to take back the balloon, He would have to pry it out of your hands, and it wouldn't look as beautiful as when he originally gave it to you.
The speaker's point was that the proper posture before God is flat, open hands. We gladly receive what He gives us, but we don't become overly attached or turn the gift into an idol or think we deserve the gift because it might be on loan to us for a limited time. On the day God asks for the gift back, it will make it all the more difficult to let go of the gift if you sit there with fists clenched saying, "Mine. Mine."
With that background, here's the story...
Two years ago on Holy Thursday I was sitting in a dimly lit church. Evening Mass had finished a while ago, and there were only a handful of people remaining in adoration. I imagined Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, pleading with God that there be another way besides the cross.
“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
“My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!” (Matthew 26:42)
He prayed the same thing a third time.
So I thought, if Jesus prayed like that, I can too. I started to pray with all sincerity and lots of begging, "If it is possible, let the cup of infertility pass from me; but not my will but yours be done." I definitely put a lot more emphasis on the first part (infertility passing) than on the second part (your will be done). :) It might have turned into praying just the first part...
Normally I don't hear God speaking to me directly in prayer. That night I did. In the middle of my begging, I "heard" this in my head: "I want your fertility. Give me your fertility."
I immediately thought of the balloon metaphor I described above and how fertility was the balloon I was grasping onto with all my might.
If I wasn't already crying, by that point I was. I'm not proud of it, but the first thing I said to God in response was, "I can't. It's asking too much." I wondered if that's how Jesus felt in the garden; if He knew the answer to His prayer was "no" but the thought of going through the crucifixion just seemed so overwhelming that he had to ask to be spared. (Clearly the crucifixion is light-years different than infertility.)
I feared that if I gave my fertility to God and relinquished my "control," it would mean infertility forever and the death and burial of my dreams.
I left church that night with no resolution. I kept thinking that I can't let go. It's too painful.
I wish I could say this story has a happy ending—that I've been able to let go and give God my fertility. There has been progress for sure, but I'm not completely there yet. The thought of one day stopping all TTC meds doesn't distress me as much as it used to; I can see how there would be peace and acceptance in that decision. If that day comes, I'm sure there will be a whole new level of grief to face, but along with that will come boatloads of grace...grace that I don't have today.
When I originally wanted to name my blog "With Open Hands," I knew that I did not have open hands, but hoped that it might continually inspire me to work toward it. Even though I didn't use it for my title, it has been a motivator for me nonetheless.
**Special thanks to DH for humoring me when I said I needed him to model for me.
The phrase "with open hands" came from a talk I heard in college at our campus parish. The speaker was discussing how we receive gifts from God. He was trying to make the point that we are stewards but not owners, and God is free to take back the gifts at any time. Here's the image he gave us:
Imagine each gift God gives us is a balloon. The gift could be anything: spouse, particular talent, job, health, etc.
The only way to catch and hold the balloon with thumbtacks is if you keep your hands wide open.
If you would try to grab the balloon or hold it tightly, it would pop. If at a later point God wanted to take back the balloon, He would have to pry it out of your hands, and it wouldn't look as beautiful as when he originally gave it to you.
The speaker's point was that the proper posture before God is flat, open hands. We gladly receive what He gives us, but we don't become overly attached or turn the gift into an idol or think we deserve the gift because it might be on loan to us for a limited time. On the day God asks for the gift back, it will make it all the more difficult to let go of the gift if you sit there with fists clenched saying, "Mine. Mine."
With that background, here's the story...
Two years ago on Holy Thursday I was sitting in a dimly lit church. Evening Mass had finished a while ago, and there were only a handful of people remaining in adoration. I imagined Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, pleading with God that there be another way besides the cross.
“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
“My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!” (Matthew 26:42)
He prayed the same thing a third time.
So I thought, if Jesus prayed like that, I can too. I started to pray with all sincerity and lots of begging, "If it is possible, let the cup of infertility pass from me; but not my will but yours be done." I definitely put a lot more emphasis on the first part (infertility passing) than on the second part (your will be done). :) It might have turned into praying just the first part...
Normally I don't hear God speaking to me directly in prayer. That night I did. In the middle of my begging, I "heard" this in my head: "I want your fertility. Give me your fertility."
I immediately thought of the balloon metaphor I described above and how fertility was the balloon I was grasping onto with all my might.
If I wasn't already crying, by that point I was. I'm not proud of it, but the first thing I said to God in response was, "I can't. It's asking too much." I wondered if that's how Jesus felt in the garden; if He knew the answer to His prayer was "no" but the thought of going through the crucifixion just seemed so overwhelming that he had to ask to be spared. (Clearly the crucifixion is light-years different than infertility.)
I feared that if I gave my fertility to God and relinquished my "control," it would mean infertility forever and the death and burial of my dreams.
I left church that night with no resolution. I kept thinking that I can't let go. It's too painful.
I wish I could say this story has a happy ending—that I've been able to let go and give God my fertility. There has been progress for sure, but I'm not completely there yet. The thought of one day stopping all TTC meds doesn't distress me as much as it used to; I can see how there would be peace and acceptance in that decision. If that day comes, I'm sure there will be a whole new level of grief to face, but along with that will come boatloads of grace...grace that I don't have today.
When I originally wanted to name my blog "With Open Hands," I knew that I did not have open hands, but hoped that it might continually inspire me to work toward it. Even though I didn't use it for my title, it has been a motivator for me nonetheless.
**Special thanks to DH for humoring me when I said I needed him to model for me.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
The saints on suffering 3
For more quotes, parts one and two are here and here.
"One must not think that a person who is suffering is not praying. He is offering up his sufferings to God, and many a time he is praying much more truly than one who goes away by himself and meditates his head off, and, if he has squeezed out a few tears, thinks that is prayer." ~St. Teresa of Avila
"He who goes to meet the cross, goes in the opposite direction to crosses; he meets them, perhaps, but he is pleased to meet them; he loves them; he carries them courageously. They unite him to Our Lord; they purify him; they detach him from this world; they remove all obstacles from his heart; they help him to pass through life, as a bridge helps us to pass over water..." ~St. John Vianney
"Whether, therefore, we receive what we ask for, or do not receive it, let us still continue steadfast in prayer. For to fail in obtaining the desires of our heart, when God so wills it, is not worse than to receive it; for we know not as He does, what is profitable to us." ~St. John Chrysostom
"If you seek patience, you will find no better example than the cross. Great patience occurs in two ways: either when one patiently suffers much, or when one suffers things which one is able to avoid and yet does not avoid. Christ endured much on the cross, and did so patiently, because when he suffered he did not threaten; he was led like a sheep to the slaughter and he did not open his mouth." ~St. Thomas Aquinas
"Thank the good God for having visited you through suffering; if we knew the value of suffering, we would have asked for it." ~St. Brother Andre
"Do not give into fear in the face of the changes and chances of this life. Rather, as they arise, look at them with full trust in God, to whom you belong, who will enable you - through His powerful love - to profit from them. He has guided you thus far in life; so hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through every trial. Whenever you cannot stand, he will carry you in his loving arms. Do not be anxious about what may happen tomorrow. The same Eternal Father who takes care of you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day of your life. He will either shield you from suffering, or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then, and put aside all useless thoughts, all vain dreads and all anxious imaginations." ~St. Francis de Sales
"If at times it seems that the Lord is not listening to us, we must be careful not to lose heart. It may be that He wants us to shout a little louder into the ears of His goodness, to prove as a result the greatness of His mercy... When the Lord withdraws His consolations in prayer, He does not do this to discourage us or create a gulf between us, but to force us to come closer to His goodness, to practice perseverance and to give some proof of our patience." ~St. Francis de Sales
"The most beautiful Credo is that which comes from your lips in darkness, in sacrifice, in pain, in the supreme effort of an unbending will for good. It is this which, like a stroke of lightning, penetrates the darkness of the soul; it is this which in the flash of the tempest lifts you and leads you to God." ~St. Padre Pio
“Those who love God do not protest, whatever He may ask of them, nor doubt His kindness when He sends them difficult hours. A sick person takes medicine without asking the physician to justify its bitter taste because the patient trusts the doctor’s knowledge; so the soul that has sufficient faith accepts all the events of life as gifts of God in the serene assurance that God knows best.” ~Venerable Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen
"Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about." ~Blessed John Henry Newman
"The cross will never oppress you; its weight might cause you to stagger, but its strength will sustain you." ~St. Padre Pio
"Don't fear adversity because it brings you to the foot of the cross and the cross puts you at the gates of Heaven, where you can find the one who is the champion of death, and He will introduce you to eternity." ~St. Padre Pio
"The Lord sometimes makes you feel the weight of the cross. Although the weight seems intolerable, you are able to carry it, because the Lord, in His love and mercy extends a Hand to you and gives you strength." ~St. Padre Pio
"In darkness, at times of tribulation and distress of the spirit, Jesus is with you. In such a state you see nothing but darkness, but I can assure you on God's behalf that the light of the Lord is all around you and pervades your spirit. . .You see yourself forsaken and I assure you that Jesus is holding you tighter than ever to His divine Heart." ~St. Padre Pio
“God values your readiness to face suffering and deprivation for love of him more than all the consolations, spiritual visions, and meditations which you may have.” ~St. John of the Cross.
"If you fall into some sin, humble yourself at once and rise again with a more fervent act of love. When something you do not want happens to you, offer it to God immediately by an act of conformity with His holy Will, and acquire the habit of always repeating in all adverse situations the words: 'Such is God's Will and such also is mine.' Acts of resignation are acts of love most dear and pleasing to the Heart of God." ~St. Alphonsus Liguori
"Many people would like to attain union with God but they cannot bear the contradictions he sends them. They hate the sickness which strikes them, or the poverty they suffer, or the insults they receive. Since they cannot be resigned, they never succeed in reaching total union with God." ~St. Alphonsus Liguori
“Holy Communion is the shortest way to Heaven. There are others, innocence for instance, but that is for little children; penance, but we are afraid of it; generous endurance of the trials of life, but when they approach us, we weep and pray to be delivered. Once for all, beloved children, the surest, easiest, shortest way is by the Holy Eucharist.” ~Pope St. Pius X
And some words from a non-saint...
"My child, God will not allow you to be tempted, tested, or tormented beyond your strength. His help will always be equal to the trial He sends. Give heed to His grace, for it already speaks to you, and respond to His inspirations. If God has more crosses in store for someone, He gives greater graces that the person may bear them. Crosses are the most precious gifts God can give His creature; and the creature's acceptance of them is the most pleasing sacrifice it can offer its Creator. If the crosses He intends for you are heavy, that means He has great plans for your sanctification. Do you want to prevent those divine plans being fulfilled?" ~Alexander de Rouville (The Imitation of Mary)
"One must not think that a person who is suffering is not praying. He is offering up his sufferings to God, and many a time he is praying much more truly than one who goes away by himself and meditates his head off, and, if he has squeezed out a few tears, thinks that is prayer." ~St. Teresa of Avila
"He who goes to meet the cross, goes in the opposite direction to crosses; he meets them, perhaps, but he is pleased to meet them; he loves them; he carries them courageously. They unite him to Our Lord; they purify him; they detach him from this world; they remove all obstacles from his heart; they help him to pass through life, as a bridge helps us to pass over water..." ~St. John Vianney
"Whether, therefore, we receive what we ask for, or do not receive it, let us still continue steadfast in prayer. For to fail in obtaining the desires of our heart, when God so wills it, is not worse than to receive it; for we know not as He does, what is profitable to us." ~St. John Chrysostom
"If you seek patience, you will find no better example than the cross. Great patience occurs in two ways: either when one patiently suffers much, or when one suffers things which one is able to avoid and yet does not avoid. Christ endured much on the cross, and did so patiently, because when he suffered he did not threaten; he was led like a sheep to the slaughter and he did not open his mouth." ~St. Thomas Aquinas
"Thank the good God for having visited you through suffering; if we knew the value of suffering, we would have asked for it." ~St. Brother Andre
"Do not give into fear in the face of the changes and chances of this life. Rather, as they arise, look at them with full trust in God, to whom you belong, who will enable you - through His powerful love - to profit from them. He has guided you thus far in life; so hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through every trial. Whenever you cannot stand, he will carry you in his loving arms. Do not be anxious about what may happen tomorrow. The same Eternal Father who takes care of you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day of your life. He will either shield you from suffering, or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then, and put aside all useless thoughts, all vain dreads and all anxious imaginations." ~St. Francis de Sales
"If at times it seems that the Lord is not listening to us, we must be careful not to lose heart. It may be that He wants us to shout a little louder into the ears of His goodness, to prove as a result the greatness of His mercy... When the Lord withdraws His consolations in prayer, He does not do this to discourage us or create a gulf between us, but to force us to come closer to His goodness, to practice perseverance and to give some proof of our patience." ~St. Francis de Sales
"The most beautiful Credo is that which comes from your lips in darkness, in sacrifice, in pain, in the supreme effort of an unbending will for good. It is this which, like a stroke of lightning, penetrates the darkness of the soul; it is this which in the flash of the tempest lifts you and leads you to God." ~St. Padre Pio
“Those who love God do not protest, whatever He may ask of them, nor doubt His kindness when He sends them difficult hours. A sick person takes medicine without asking the physician to justify its bitter taste because the patient trusts the doctor’s knowledge; so the soul that has sufficient faith accepts all the events of life as gifts of God in the serene assurance that God knows best.” ~Venerable Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen
"Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about." ~Blessed John Henry Newman
"The cross will never oppress you; its weight might cause you to stagger, but its strength will sustain you." ~St. Padre Pio
"Don't fear adversity because it brings you to the foot of the cross and the cross puts you at the gates of Heaven, where you can find the one who is the champion of death, and He will introduce you to eternity." ~St. Padre Pio
"The Lord sometimes makes you feel the weight of the cross. Although the weight seems intolerable, you are able to carry it, because the Lord, in His love and mercy extends a Hand to you and gives you strength." ~St. Padre Pio
"In darkness, at times of tribulation and distress of the spirit, Jesus is with you. In such a state you see nothing but darkness, but I can assure you on God's behalf that the light of the Lord is all around you and pervades your spirit. . .You see yourself forsaken and I assure you that Jesus is holding you tighter than ever to His divine Heart." ~St. Padre Pio
“God values your readiness to face suffering and deprivation for love of him more than all the consolations, spiritual visions, and meditations which you may have.” ~St. John of the Cross.
"If you fall into some sin, humble yourself at once and rise again with a more fervent act of love. When something you do not want happens to you, offer it to God immediately by an act of conformity with His holy Will, and acquire the habit of always repeating in all adverse situations the words: 'Such is God's Will and such also is mine.' Acts of resignation are acts of love most dear and pleasing to the Heart of God." ~St. Alphonsus Liguori
"Many people would like to attain union with God but they cannot bear the contradictions he sends them. They hate the sickness which strikes them, or the poverty they suffer, or the insults they receive. Since they cannot be resigned, they never succeed in reaching total union with God." ~St. Alphonsus Liguori
“Holy Communion is the shortest way to Heaven. There are others, innocence for instance, but that is for little children; penance, but we are afraid of it; generous endurance of the trials of life, but when they approach us, we weep and pray to be delivered. Once for all, beloved children, the surest, easiest, shortest way is by the Holy Eucharist.” ~Pope St. Pius X
And some words from a non-saint...
"My child, God will not allow you to be tempted, tested, or tormented beyond your strength. His help will always be equal to the trial He sends. Give heed to His grace, for it already speaks to you, and respond to His inspirations. If God has more crosses in store for someone, He gives greater graces that the person may bear them. Crosses are the most precious gifts God can give His creature; and the creature's acceptance of them is the most pleasing sacrifice it can offer its Creator. If the crosses He intends for you are heavy, that means He has great plans for your sanctification. Do you want to prevent those divine plans being fulfilled?" ~Alexander de Rouville (The Imitation of Mary)
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Good news, sort of
I don't have a brain tumor! Yay!!! Thank you, God. I am so relieved. :)
Since I hadn't heard anything from PPVI, I sent an e-mail to Dr. K's nurses today asking if they had received the results from my MRI last Monday. I also mentioned that I was "just curious if I have brain tumor." I normally hate to bother them between cycle reviews, but I figured this was reasonable. :) I know they are super busy with lots of patients, but I didn't want to slip through the cracks and end up waiting until my next cycle review for the results and possibly starting a new medicine.
They either had the results ready or they were planning to call me anyway because just over an hour after I sent the e-mail I got a call from a PPVI nurse. She said there was no evidence of a microadenoma (tumor), but they did find a "diffusely enlarged pituitary." Dr. K didn't know what the significance of that was, so she contacted a neurosurgeon colleague. The neurosurgeon said I should go see an endocrinologist in case the pituitary is causing other hormone problems.
Dr. K is starting me on the medication bromocriptine to try to lower my prolactin. She'll recheck the level in a month to see how the medicine is working. I'm hoping the side effects aren't too bad. It's not known as the nicest medicine to be taking. Common side effects are nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and headaches.
I called to make an appointment with an endocrinologist in the same building where I had the MRI. I figured it would be easier because the doctor would already have access to the results. The receptionist said Dr. K needs to contact them directly asking for a consult for me. I protested that the MRI was the reason for the consult, and they had that already. Didn't work. :( Can't blame a girl for trying... So once the nurses fax over a request along with my prolactin lab value, I can make an appointment. I've never been to an endocrinologist so I'm curious to see how this appointment goes. I'm not looking forward to explaining that I'm taking T3 (thyroid) and hydrocortisone (steriod).
And DH's response to the above news? "So you have a malfunctioning brain, huh?" :)
And then he said, "Can we get a picture from your MRI? I want to put it up as my background on the computer."
I, of course, consulted Dr. Google about the diffusely enlarged pituitary. Hopefully it's nothing to worry about, but I did find some case reports where the patients were treated surgically. I am not a doctor. Let me repeat: I am not a doctor. No more internet searching for me until after meeting with the endocrinologist. :)
I want to say thank you again for all your prayers! They are much appreciated. :)
Since I hadn't heard anything from PPVI, I sent an e-mail to Dr. K's nurses today asking if they had received the results from my MRI last Monday. I also mentioned that I was "just curious if I have brain tumor." I normally hate to bother them between cycle reviews, but I figured this was reasonable. :) I know they are super busy with lots of patients, but I didn't want to slip through the cracks and end up waiting until my next cycle review for the results and possibly starting a new medicine.
They either had the results ready or they were planning to call me anyway because just over an hour after I sent the e-mail I got a call from a PPVI nurse. She said there was no evidence of a microadenoma (tumor), but they did find a "diffusely enlarged pituitary." Dr. K didn't know what the significance of that was, so she contacted a neurosurgeon colleague. The neurosurgeon said I should go see an endocrinologist in case the pituitary is causing other hormone problems.
Dr. K is starting me on the medication bromocriptine to try to lower my prolactin. She'll recheck the level in a month to see how the medicine is working. I'm hoping the side effects aren't too bad. It's not known as the nicest medicine to be taking. Common side effects are nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and headaches.
I called to make an appointment with an endocrinologist in the same building where I had the MRI. I figured it would be easier because the doctor would already have access to the results. The receptionist said Dr. K needs to contact them directly asking for a consult for me. I protested that the MRI was the reason for the consult, and they had that already. Didn't work. :( Can't blame a girl for trying... So once the nurses fax over a request along with my prolactin lab value, I can make an appointment. I've never been to an endocrinologist so I'm curious to see how this appointment goes. I'm not looking forward to explaining that I'm taking T3 (thyroid) and hydrocortisone (steriod).
And DH's response to the above news? "So you have a malfunctioning brain, huh?" :)
And then he said, "Can we get a picture from your MRI? I want to put it up as my background on the computer."
I, of course, consulted Dr. Google about the diffusely enlarged pituitary. Hopefully it's nothing to worry about, but I did find some case reports where the patients were treated surgically. I am not a doctor. Let me repeat: I am not a doctor. No more internet searching for me until after meeting with the endocrinologist. :)
I want to say thank you again for all your prayers! They are much appreciated. :)
Friday, April 4, 2014
Stations of the Cross - IF style
Last year I wrote reflections on a few of the Stations of the Cross. Now I did all of them. The text in italics is from a booklet used at our parish (author unknown).
Station 1: Jesus is condemned to death
Station 2: Jesus accepts his cross
Station 3: Jesus falls the first time
Station 4: Jesus meets His mother
Station 5: Jesus is aided by Simon
Station 6: Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
Station 7: Jesus falls the second time
Station 8: Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
Station 9: Jesus falls the third time
Station 10: Jesus is stripped of His garments
Station 11: Jesus is nailed to the cross
Station 12: Jesus dies on the cross
Station 13: Jesus is taken down from the cross
Station 14: Jesus is laid in the tomb
Station 1: Jesus is condemned to death
Jesus, our brother, we stand in silence as you are condemned by Pilate. Standing in silence is not new to us. We have stood silent as you went hungry by our tables, as you were orphaned in our wars, as you walked powerless in our world. We always stand in silence for we, like Pilate, are bowed, broken and afraid. Break the chains of this silence which lies so heavily on our lives. Give us the courage to speak in your behalf.Jesus was completely innocent, and yet He was sentenced to torture and a cruel death. I am not innocent. My sin is always before me, and while I know infertility is not a punishment for sin, it is a consequence of living in a fallen world, and it is my present reality. In moments when I am tempted to think that I don't deserve to be infertile for whatever reason, help me, God, to remember that I am not innocent like Jesus was and give me the humility to accept my infertility.
~*~
Station 2: Jesus accepts his cross
Jesus, our brother, we watch you bear the cross and do not understand. Our hearts are hardened. Everyone tells us that suffering is evil and must be avoided at every cost. We flee sickness, sorrow and pain. Your carrying your cross says something different about suffering. Help us to follow you even when we do not understand.There are many aspects of life that cause suffering for the infertile—BFNs, difficult or untreatable diagnoses, dashed dreams, lack of compassion from others, and watching others get pregnant easily. My first instinct is to try to run from this cross. But Jesus redeemed the world through the Cross, and He allows me to participate in that redemptive work through my sufferings. St. Paul says, "...I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ..." (Colossians 1:24) Jesus gave suffering value and power, so I will follow His example, take up my cross willingly, and offer my sufferings for the good of others.
~*~
Station 3: Jesus falls the first time
Jesus, our brother, you have fallen with your cross. We wonder if you have not fallen again today. Everywhere we see signs of weakness: in our church, in our nation, in our world. We see dissension, controversy, turmoil. We are scandalized. We do not understand. Our faith begins to falter. Help us to find you hidden in your weakness. Help us to find you beneath the cross.By the time Jesus fell the first time, He had been deprived of sleep, food, and water; scourged; crowned with thorns; and physically abused. With a heavy weight on His shoulders, it is not surprising that, after all that had been done to weaken His body, He fell. There are many things in my life, both big and small, that weaken my resolve to carry the cross of infertility faithfully. Reminders of what I don't have can be especially painful, like sitting next to family with a baby at Mass, passing by a pregnant woman in the grocery store, receiving an invitation to a baby shower, or seeing pictures of the children of friends married for less time than me. God, help me to be grateful for all the blessings you have given me, and help me to get up after I feel crushed by the weight of infertility.
~*~
Station 4: Jesus meets His mother
Jesus our brother, we are moved by Mary’s love for you. We are amazed by Mary's love for us. It is hard to believe she has not lost confidence in us. But we know she has not. She saw beneath your grime and agony. She saw your hidden beauty. We trust she can do the same for us. We need to be understood these days. We so often feel alone.My life isn't going according to my plan. I would have had X (number of) kids by now if I had my way. Mary's life did not go according to her plan. Once she gave her fiat, she opened herself up entirely to God's will, but that did not mean she was spared from suffering. The first two of her seven sorrows happened when Jesus was just a baby and continued throughout her life. God, following Mary's example, help me to pray, "Not my will, but your will be done," and open my mind and heart to what You desire of me.
~*~
Station 5: Jesus is aided by Simon
Jesus, our brother, We have to admire Simon. He took up your cross and followed you. He had so little doubt, so little hesitation. We see you suffering in all around us, in the poor, in the powerless, in the misunderstood. We are so hesitant to come to your aid. We find so many excuses. We remain aloof. Grant us the wisdom and the courage to help the least of your brothers and so help you.Infertility can be such a personal and private cross. No two people facing infertility respond to it in the exact same way. But crosses are not meant to be carried alone. What I learn from carrying this cross may help me to better support a friend going through her own struggles. God, let infertility teach me to have a more compassionate heart so that I might be Simon to others as they carry their own crosses and grant me the humility to accept help from others who offer to be Simon to me.
~*~
Station 6: Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
Jesus, our brother, you rewarded Veronica for her courage. You left your face upon her veil. You will reward us for our courage; you will leave the imprint of your face upon our lives. "By this will all know that you are my disciples: that you love one another." Help us forget our fears and reach out to serve our needy brothers and sisters.One way to make the suffering from infertility more bearable is to make an extra effort to serve others. Veronica showed Jesus great kindness, and He rewarded her with an image of His face. When I reach out to others in service, the gift I receive is to see the face of Jesus in those in need. Jesus said, "...whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40) God, give me the courage and motivation to serve others despite my pain.
~*~
Station 7: Jesus falls the second time
Jesus, our brother, you must have been discouraged by your second fall. We too, know discouragement. Our best efforts end in failure. Those we love do not seem to love us. Regardless of our efforts, life does not bring peace. What shall we do? We will imitate your example and try again, even in the face of futility.How many times do I fall because of infertility? Doubt, despair, envy, pride...the list goes on. It's discouraging enough to fall once, but when it happens multiple times, it gets harder to want to get up again. Every new pregnancy announcement around me is a new chance to stumble. I should be able to handle each one gracefully by now—I've had plenty of opportunities to practice this—yet still I fall into envy. But if Jesus can get up again while still under the weight of the Cross, so will I try harder next time.
~*~
Station 8: Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
"Weep not for me, but for you and for your children." ~Luke 23:28How often with infertility do I look inward and only see my own pain? It's so easy to slip into thinking that my suffering is worse than everyone else's around me; others can't possibly be hurting as much as I am. The challenge is to acknowledge the pain in someone else and respond in love, even when it's hard, like listening to a friend complain about how little sleep she's getting because she has a newborn. I thought I was doing well by biting my tongue—I would gladly get no sleep if it meant I had a baby, and I was itching to tell my friend that—but maybe imitating Christ would mean going a step further and showing her some understanding while forgetting my pain for a second.
Jesus, our brother, in the midst of your sufferings you had compassion for others and their pain. We are often so self-centered. We do not see the suffering of others. We want pity, kindness, and understanding. We are willing to give so little in return. Help us forget ourselves. Awaken us to the pain in the lives of others.
~*~
Station 9: Jesus falls the third time
Jesus, our brother, your third fall is the beginning of your death agony. Our world is filled with dying people: in war, in famine, in hospitals, on highways. Many this day will die alone. May our prayers become comfort for the dying, especially those who must die alone.How many times do I want to throw the cross of infertility away because it is just so hard? How many times do I want to avoid suffering, when I should be trying to avoid sin? When life brings so much pain and sorrow, I have no where left to turn except the arms of Jesus. The pain can help focus my gaze on the hope in what God has planned for me. Despite my human weakness, I must remember that my joy comes not from what the world offers me, but from God. I resolve to pick up my cross daily regardless of how many times I have stumbled in carrying it in the past.
~*~
Station 10: Jesus is stripped of His garments
Jesus, our brother, there is something fearful in thinking of you stripped before the crowd. Even the privacy of clothing is taken. You have given up everything for us. We give so little in return. May we have the grace to give, to give of what we have, to help our brothers and sisters suffering all around us.I need to die to myself—to my wants and desires, to my selfishness and sin. Sometimes suffering is the main or only vehicle which allows that to happen. God knows all the suffering I endure related to infertility can refine me, but like gold that's tested in a fire, the process is not easy or quick or painless. St. Peter says, "...for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 1:6-7) God sends me graces so that through this suffering my soul might turn into something beautiful, if only I would cooperate.
~*~
Station 11: Jesus is nailed to the cross
Jesus, our brother, the pain of those nails was unjust. Your hands which did such good, your feet which walked on errands of mercy, are now punished. You received little gratitude for the good you did. Why should we expect more for the good we do? Help us give and ask nothing in return.To the outside world, DH and I are a childless couple. We could be contracepting. We could be more interested in careers or spending time as a married couple than having children. We could be doing IVF. The assumptions and judgements sting, especially from fellow Christians. Sometimes I wish I could just wear a flashing neon sign that says, "I'm open to life, and I'm following the church's teaching on how life should be brought into the world." But I don't need approval or a pat on the back from others for trying to live a moral life, even in ways that remain hidden from others' eyes. Let God's opinion be the only one that matters to me. Let me be obedient and do good for Him and Him alone.
~*~
Station 12: Jesus dies on the cross
Lord Jesus, you have the greatest love for us. What can we say in the face of it? We can only try to imitate you, by responding to the sisters and brothers you have given to us to love.It is easy to feel alone when you're infertile. I try to open up to friends or family about what I'm going through and they dismiss my pain, so I retreat inward and feel isolated. But I am never alone. Jesus gave His life for me, and He, more than anyone, knows what it's like to feel alone. He knows my pain and my isolation. He is with me always. If I am close to Jesus on the cross, I will be with Him rejoicing when Easter comes.
~*~
Station 13: Jesus is taken down from the cross
Jesus, our brother, you are laid in the arms of your mother. The agony is over. But the resurrection is not yet. Your Father's plan requires patience. So it is with us. We reach moments when only patience can carry us on. We know that something better will come. But when? Help us share your patience and the patience of your mother.We know the ending—Jesus triumphs. But that doesn't mean our life looks like Easter all the time. Much of infertility looks like Good Friday. We've been TTC for so long. How many cycles will it take to conceive? Will we conceive ever? How long will we have the cross of childlessness? Will it be life-long? Patience is so important in learning to accept this cross. I have to trust God that His plans for me are for my ultimate good, even if it doesn't look like what I had in mind.
~*~
Station 14: Jesus is laid in the tomb
Jesus, our brother, the end of life is so definite. We fear it deep within. We do not want to die. Help us understand that our lives are but a prelude to a new life, a life with your Father.It is so easy to live for this world. I have my preferences and dreams of what I'd like life here on earth to look like, but getting what I want (i.e., children) doesn't get me to heaven. I have to keep my eyes fixed on the eternal and remember that God desires my pursuit of holiness and love above all else, whether life is going according to how I want it to or not.
No news
I'm still waiting to hear the results from the MRI. I'm not feeling very impatient about getting the results, but if a medication would be appropriate treatment, I would like to start taking it soon because I read that it can take 2 to 3 weeks for it to have an effect on prolactin levels.
Hopefully I'll find out on Monday... I'll post here as soon as I know anything. :)
Hopefully I'll find out on Monday... I'll post here as soon as I know anything. :)
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