Debriefing

1.  Did you all survive Mother's Day okay?  I didn't e-mail our pastor ahead of time asking for sensitivity to IF with an alternative blessing that would include IF and miscarriage or an intercession mentioning IF like others were doing at their parishes.  I thought I'd take my chances going to Mass on Saturday hoping that it would be less mother-focused.  We have new priests since last Mother's Day, so I had no precedent to go by.  (The previous priests kept the Mother's Day references to a minimum and did not do a blessing of mothers.)  My plan backfired.  The priest, who was ordained last year and probably has a lot of new-priest zeal, did his best to infuse Mother's Day into every part of the Mass possible.  By communion time, I hadn't shed a tear or even had the urge to cry, so I thought I was doing pretty well.  When I returned to the pew and heard the line in the song ("when we have run with patience the race") that usually makes me cry because it reminds me how long IF has been and how long it might be yet, I lost it and started sobbing—the kind where your whole body shakes and people might be able to hear you.  I tried to stop, but there was nothing to do except try to think of people to pray for and let the tears come until my tear ducts were empty.  (I swear I have gallon-sized tear ducts.)  By the time everyone sat down, I had calmed down, and the tears were down to a slow trickle.  I noticed the wood of the pew in front of me was quite wet...  The priest then asked mothers to stand for a blessing, and under my breath I said, "Please, no..." and the tears picked up again.  I think he was trying to include more people because he said all "past mothers, current mothers, and future mothers" should stand.  I don't know if by "future mother" he meant those who are pregnant?  I'd like to hope I'm a non-pregnant "future mother" but I didn't stand.  His blessing wasn't really a blessing, but three different prayer intentions—for those whose mothers have died, for mothers who have lost a child, and for mothers of living children—so there was really no need for the standing.  I'm glad he acknowledged two groups who would find Mother's Day to be a sad day, but I'm not surprised there was no mention of those who long to be (physical) mothers.  I would guess that to a non-IFer, loss of a dream isn't on the same radar screen as loss of a real person.

Despite a not-so-great start to Mother's Day a day earlier, I spent a quiet day at home on Sunday with DH and tried my best to forget what day it was.

2.  Two very sweet friends sent me messages saying they were praying for me on Mother's Day.  Both were told prior to marriage that they would likely never hold a biological child in their arms, so they knew the pain of IF.  One recently gave birth and the other is pregnant and due in a few months despite doctors' predictions, so the fact that they still thought of me and other childless wives on Mother's Day was a nice consolation.  A couple of my mom friends posted an article on FB about remembering IFers and single women on Mother's Day, so the day wasn't all bad.  ;)

3.  I haven't cried that hard (see #1) in a long time.  AF is here, and there have been no tears.  Last cycle I think there weren't tears until CD4, and that was only because of some trigger like a cascade of pregnancy and birth announcements in rapid succession.  (Why do they come in groups??)  I actually think it has been months since I've cried on CD1, which is not at all how I used to handle CD1.  Either I'm all scarred inside and attempting to numb the pain or I'm learning to accept not being pregnant.  I suppose it could be partially a third option as well—I've given up thinking we'll get pregnant; if I don't get my hopes up during the 2ww, then there's less disappointment when AF shows up because I just know she's coming.  And I don't do it on purpose in an attempt to make CD1 easier; I truly don't have (much) hope about pregnancy anymore.  If God wants to surprise me, that would be fabulous, but at the moment He'd have to do it without any optimism on my part.  (totally within His purview, of course)  ;)

4.  It looks like, from my non-expert eye anyway, that we might have had an effective cycle (where everything is treated/fixed) last cycle.  I'm not excited about one incidence of spotting that happened around ovulation time because, in the past, I've only had that in cycles were I also had endo.  All mid-cycle spotting disappeared immediately after both of my surgeries.  Coincidence?  I hope so.  My periods aren't painful so that is encouraging.  But I am getting a little nervous because it was at this time point after my first surgery (about 15 months) that my periods became painful again.  It's been 15 months since my second surgery.  I really, really don't want a third one.  Right now probably the only thing that would convince me to have a third surgery is unbearable pain; fixing our IF doesn't seem like it would be enough of a reason anymore.  I am hoping and praying something we've done after the second surgery (diet or medicine) is going to help keep the endo away for longer, or dare I say it, permanently...

5.  So now we're on to (hopefully) effective cycle #2.  I am very curious to see if the TEBB stays away again this cycle.  That would be a record for me—two cycles in a row!

6.  I have an appointment with an endocrinologist next week to find out the significance of my diffusely enlarged pituitary.  I hope it doesn't require a pint of my blood to figure out what other havoc my pituitary may be causing besides the elevated prolactin.  :P