March for Life

It was incredible.  The size of the crowd.  All the enthusiastic young people.  Priests, bishops, seminarians, and nuns everywhere.  500,000 or more pro-life people all in the same place.  You'd never know by looking at their faces that it was 25 degrees and snowing.

Well, okay, maybe these people look a bit cold.

Wall-to-wall people as far as you could see.

Note to self:  If carrying a sign in the future, make it double-sided.

The only people not happy were the police.  They seemed very stern, almost angry.  Maybe they were intimidated by the large crowd?  It was the nicest, friendliest crowd I've ever been a part of...  One policeman yelled at DH (to get off the ledge) while he was taking this picture.  It was my fault--I asked him to stand up there.  :)  I figured it would be okay because others were sitting on the ledge...

Beforehand I wondered how I'd react during the March in light of our infertility.  I thought I might be extra sensitive or emotional, but I wasn't**.  I actually managed to forget that I was infertile most of the day and just focused on what was going on around me.  It probably didn't hurt that I was at one of my more stable parts of the cycle (early/mid-post peak).  ;)

**The one exception, which I don't think had anything to do with IF, was when I started sobbing while walking by a display set up on the sidewalk showing pictures of unborn babies, both living and dead.  It was the only time and place during the March where I saw them.  (Everywhere else the pictures were of cute living babies.)  I've seen pictures of aborted babies before; years ago as part of training to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center, they had us watch a few videos with them.  I think I cried back then during those videos also.  I understand the arguments both for and against showing graphic images in public, and normally I might lean toward not showing them, but in that moment on Friday, I was glad that I saw them.  Not that I had been complacent about abortion, but it just convicted me deeply that this is what we want to end.  It took me a minute to compose myself though; I really didn't want to spend the rest of the March crying.

The most moving part of the March for me was just after we turned the corner of the last block before the Supreme Court, where the March ended.  There was a line of people standing along the sidewalk from Silent No More holding signs like, "I regret my abortion" or "I regret lost fatherhood."  I really admired their courage.  Some of them also spoke to the crowd in front of the Supreme Court and gave their testimony of how they had been hurt by abortion.

I didn't have very many expectations ahead of time, but I did assume there would be counter-protesters.  I remember in previous media coverage of the March, they liked to show pictures of the counter-protestors, often more than the marchers themselves, so I half-expected there to be a lot of them lined up on the sidewalks yelling at the pro-lifers.  I was (pleasantly) shocked and relieved that I counted three pro-abortion signs in total (and no one else next to them without signs), and they were only in front of the Supreme Court.  Believe me, I was scouring the signs people were holding on the sidewalks as the rest of us walked by to see what their position was.

The March seemed to be over so quickly, but I guess it doesn't take that long to walk a mile, even in a huge crowd.  (If you stood in one place and watched everyone walk by, it would have been at least an hour and a half, maybe more than two hours.)  My fingers were starting to get cold at the end, otherwise I probably would have dragged DH back to the beginning and walked the route again.  :)

I definitely hope to attend the March for Life in the future, but I will keep praying that one day they won't have to hold it anymore.

Novena for the unborn

I'm a little late in posting this, but I wanted to share this novena that goes from January 14 to January 22, the anniversary of Roe v. Wade.  I think as IFers our prayers and sufferings offered for the unborn and for an end to abortion are especially powerful.  I sometimes think of the experience of IF as (unchosen) fasting for those who choose abortion.

Prayer for Life by Fr. Frank Pavone

God and Father of Life, You have created every human person and have opened the way for each to have eternal life. We live in the shadow of death.  Tens of millions of your children have been killed because of the Roe vs. Wade decision legalizing abortion.  Father, have mercy on us.  Heal our land and accept our offering of prayer and penance.  In your love for us, turn back the scourge of abortion.  May each of us exult in hearts full of hope and hands full of mercy and work together to build a culture of life.  We pray through Christ our Lord.  Amen.

I'm looking forward to attending the March for Life this year in DC.  I've wanted to go for a long time, and logistics finally worked out, so this will be my first time (DH's too).

Prayer buddy reveal

My prayer buddy this Advent was BlessedBeLord.  I prayed for all her intentions, especially that she would conceive a child (soon!!) that she could raise here on earth.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Christmas, especially with relatives who don't ask too many questions or say anything insensitive.  ;)

Advent and IF

I know Advent is almost over, but I came across these words of Pope Benedict from a sermon he gave to college students in 1964 and wanted to share them.

"That is why daring to talk to God out of the trial of our darkness, as Job did, is a part of the Christian life. It is not part of that life for us to suppose that we can present only half of our existence to God and have to spare him the rest because we might annoy him. No, it is precisely to him that we can and we must bring, in complete honesty, the whole burden of our life. We are rather too inclined to forget that in the Book of Job, handed down to us in Holy Scripture, at the end of the drama God declares Job to be righteous–Job, who has hurled the most outrageous accusations at God–while he rejects Job’s friends as speakers of falsehood, those friends who had defended God and had found some kind of good sense and answer for everything.

Observing Advent simply means talking with God the way Job did. It means just seeing the whole reality and burden of our Christian life without fear and bringing it before the face of God, as judge and savior, even if, like Job, we have no answer to give about it all, and the only thing left is to leave it to God himself to answer and to tell him how we are standing here in our darkness with no answers."

~from What It Means to Be a Christian by Joseph Ratzinger

To me this describes life with infertility quite well, not just during Advent.  I feel like my whole journey with IF has been learning how to show God all the ugly sides that I wish weren't there.  But I can see that it's especially relevant during Advent because while the Church is telling me to rejoice and prepare for the Lord's coming and have hope, I'm looking at my life wondering if I'm just supposed to ignore all the suffering in my life, at least until after Christmas, so as not to put a damper on the season.  So I really appreciate what the pope said above about not having to ignore the burdens we're facing in order to observe Advent.  Our priest on Sunday reminded us that our reason for rejoicing (especially on Gaudete Sunday) is not based on what's going on in our lives as tempting as that is (e.g. my world is falling apart so I don't feel like rejoicing); it's based totally on Christ, and it doesn't matter if we "feel" like rejoicing or not.

In some ways I do feel like Job--the part about telling God that I'm standing here in my darkness without answers, not the part about hurling outrageous accusations (I have questions, maybe, but not accusations).  I thought infertility and a cycle that seems to be getting worse rather than better was plenty cross for me, but then DH's job loss happened.  It made IF alone look a lot better; at least it's a familiar cross.  Then a few days later my favorite and only living grandparent went into the hospital because she was tired.  Grandma left with a heart diagnosis (estimated up to two years left) and cancer.  She noticed the mass (tumor) years ago but didn't tell her doctor because it wasn't bothering her.  Now it's too big to remove with surgery.  She's electing not to do chemo or radiation because of her heart condition.  I know my grandma won't live forever, but the thought of her being that sick breaks my heart.  She is the glue that holds the family together.  I look forward to seeing her at Christmas, but I imagine it just won't be the same.  Needless to say it's been a very hard Advent.  God, I'm standing here in my darkness.  Light of Christ, please come.  Dear prayer buddy, this is all offered up for you. 

What happens when you forget HCG

This:

I saw this on the back of a car driving around town one day.

Over Thanksgiving I forgot to bring my HCG along.  I was gone during the days of my cycle when I usually take HCG.  PMS ensued.  Add in Thanksgiving traffic that moved at a glacial pace and me driving.  It was not pretty.   DH tried to defuse my mood.  It didn't work.  Poor DH.  I definitely helped with his sanctification that day.

HCG will be the first thing I pack for Christmas vacation.  :)

Some words of encouragement

You know how sometimes you come across some words of Scripture that you think God meant specifically for you on that particular day in that minute?  That's how I felt when I heard this passage the other day.  It's all of chapter 2 of Sirach.  I think it's pretty fitting for Advent too.

Sirach 2

1 My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials.

2 Be sincere of heart and steadfast, and do not be impetuous in time of adversity.

3 Cling to him, do not leave him, that you may prosper in your last days.

4 Accept whatever happens to you; in periods of humiliation be patient.

5 For in fire gold is tested, and the chosen, in the crucible of humiliation.

6 Trust in God, and he will help you; make your ways straight and hope in him.

7 You that fear the Lord, wait for his mercy, do not stray lest you fall.

8 You that fear the Lord, trust in him, and your reward will not be lost.

9 You that fear the Lord, hope for good things, for lasting joy and mercy.

10 Consider the generations long past and see: has anyone trusted in the Lord and been disappointed? Has anyone persevered in his fear and been forsaken? Has anyone called upon him and been ignored?

11 For the Lord is compassionate and merciful; forgives sins and saves in time of trouble.

12 Woe to timid hearts and drooping hands, to the sinner who walks a double path!

13 Woe to the faint of heart! For they do not trust, and therefore have no shelter!

14 Woe to you that have lost hope! What will you do at the Lord’s visitation?

15 Those who fear the Lord do not disobey his words; those who love him keep his ways.

16 Those who fear the Lord seek to please him; those who love him are filled with his law.

17 Those who fear the Lord prepare their hearts and humble themselves before him.

18 Let us fall into the hands of the Lord and not into the hands of mortals, for equal to his majesty is his mercy; and equal to his name are his works.

When I first read this chapter, I thought it applies to IF quite well.  I just found out today we are facing a new trial:  DH lost his job.  His employer is facing severe budget cuts and has no money left to pay him after this month.  We knew his job was ending, but it wasn't supposed to happen until late next summer.  He has been looking for a new job, but if he finds one it won't start until summer.  If you could spare a prayer for us, we would very much appreciate it.

The state of things

It's been a while since I posted. To be honest, I just haven't been motivated to write anything. When I'm sad, my tendency is not to post anything, as opposed to writing a sad post. I feel like I've entered a deeper phase of grief in the past few months. When the pain of sadness comes, it seems more intense than it used to be. It was probably exacerbated by the non-stop stream of pregnancy and birth announcements around me. (If one in eight couples has trouble conceiving, there must be tons of other IF couples out there somewhere, because among my acquaintances the fertile couples are heavily overrepresented.) It can seem really isolating to watch other couples who only know joy when it comes to getting pregnant while I'm sitting here with a tears in my eyes and a broken heart. But even though it seems that the sadness is worse, there are getting to be more times of acceptance, usually when I'm not sad, where I think that we'll be okay--well, more than okay--if we remain infertile. I had prayed for patience in this area a while ago (a dangerous prayer, I know), and I think I'm gradually seeing some good results. I just wish it would happen faster. hahaha

Here are some medical updates...

1. In my last post I wrote about how my TEBB disappeared for one cycle after the IV antibiotics and then returned. There was a bit of an improvement though--before the IV, I had around eight days of TEBB each cycle; after the IV, I was down to four days of TEBB. It's small, but it's something, right? ;) That lasted three cycles, so I figured it was my new pattern. Then this past cycle was a mess. There were six days of TEBB followed by four more days of brown bleeding midcycle. I haven't had that kind of midcycle spotting in a couple years. I don't know what caused it. I hope it doesn't happen again this cycle.

2. I had thyroid labs done because it had been a year since the last time it was checked. I found out my T4 is super low, so now I'm taking levothyroxine (Synthroid). I guess that makes me officially hypothyroid now...? (In the past only my T3 to reverse T3 ratio was low. Now that ratio is normal.) I'm up to six prescription medications... :P Is it bad that the pharmacist knows both DH and me by sight so he doesn't have to ask for our name? I must spend too much time at the pharmacy.

3. This cycle my Clomid dose increased to 50 mg on days 3-5. My P+7 levels have been borderline a few times, and my estrogen was low two cycles in a row. With the low T4 and now low estrogen, it seems my body is falling apart. What's next?

4. I've been having pain during my periods since the summer, so Dr. K is recommending that I have a second laparoscopy to see if my endo is back. I had been completely pain free after my first laparoscopy (February 2011), so the pain returning wasn't a good sign. It's not severe pain, so I can still go about my day, but it's enough that I would prefer to lie on the couch with a heating pad.

For the surgery, I had a choice between going to Dr. K in Omaha or going to a different surgeon (Dr. E) who was trained at PPVI and is only a few hours away from here. DH and I originally decided to go to the closer surgeon because of convenience and less expensive travel costs. I had an initial appointment with Dr. E recently, but it looks like it'll be a really long wait before the surgery would take place. I haven't spoken with the scheduler at PPVI, but now I think we're leaning toward going to Omaha. Hopefully we'll have a date soon.

Two steps forward, one step back

I'm trying to look on the bright side here. In my heart, it feels like I've taken one step forward, and two steps back.

The forward progress was the elimination of my TEBB after the ten days of IV antibiotics. Yay!

I was TEBB-free for one cycle.

The TEBB returned the following cycle. Argh!

My first reaction was major disappointment. I'd say it was worse than how I felt when CD1 arrived. The IV was neither easy nor inexpensive. Was all of that effort, inconvenience, and money wasted? It's not like I could just have another one to make the TEBB go away again. What if this new/returned infection is now resistant to the antibiotic? And the big question in my mind...if DH had been treated simultaneously with an IV, would the TEBB have still returned?

But then I realized something. The fact that the IV eliminated the TEBB for one cycle gives us answers.

1. My TEBB is infection related. This was assumed to be the case before the IV since we exhausted the other five known causes of TEBB with other treatments; the IV simply confirmed that infection was indeed the cause.

2. My TEBB can be treated. This is good news. It took me several days to realize that this was good news because of the disappointment and sadness I was feeling, but better late than never.

When I did my cycle review at the end of the TEBB-free cycle, I received a response from Dr. K a couple days before the TEBB returned. (She said to continue with all the same meds, as expected. We were giving it three cycles post-IV before considering another surgery.) A week later, a nurse from PPVI called me unscheduled. (There had been a mix up with my local lab for my P+7 blood draw from the previous cycle, and we were trying to figure out what happened to my blood.) At the end of the call, I mentioned to her that my TEBB was back. I figured that she'd write it in my chart, and Dr. K would address it during the next cycle review.

I expected that Dr. K would say that she couldn't offer me any more treatments for TEBB and that I should look into visiting Dr. Toth in NYC for a complete diagnosis of the bug(s) involved and appropriate treatment. I know other bloggers have gone to see Dr. Toth, so I am aware of what it entails for both the wife and the husband. I have explained it to DH several times this year, knowing that Dr. K might recommend it to us at any time, so that he wouldn't be completely blindsided by the idea. There just is no way of sugar-coating the prospect of prostate injections. Or both of us spending 10 days in NYC for the treatment. (Logistically that would be very hard for him to do, but I think we could figure out a way to make it work.) At this point, DH is not open to the idea of going because of the prostate injection part.

Knowing this, I wasn't looking forward to hearing back from Dr. K. Surprisingly, she didn't wait until the next cycle review, and she didn't suggest Dr. Toth (yet). A nurse called me back the next day with the following recommendation:

-vitamin C - 1 gram twice a day on days 1-10
-bioflavonoids - 1000 mg three times a day
-B-complex - 100 mg a day

She said it's one of their TEBB protocols; the idea is to boost immune function. I had never heard of this combination being used for TEBB. I didn't ask how well this protocol worked for others or how long it takes to have an effect on the TEBB if it's going to work, so we'll see what happens. I've been taking the bioflavonoids and B-complex vitamins for a couple weeks now, and I'll start the vitamin C soon when CD1 arrives.

My TEBB is...

GONE.

(picture me screaming here)

The IV antibiotics worked. I am stunned. And excited. Like jumping-up-and-down excited. This cycle might be the first realistic shot of getting a BFP that we've ever had. Except that I think my endo might have returned, but that's another story.

I talked to Dr. K. She said we'll give it three cycles. If we're not pregnant by then, a laparoscopy—my second one—is likely up next. I figured that would be the case. I'm okay with that.

But for now, I am hopeful. Like through-the-roof hopeful. :)

I have so much to write about and no time to do it in the near future as DH and I take a little vacation, but I couldn't wait to share this news.

Three years of TTC

We are on cycle #30 of TTC. It's been three years since we started. That's a lot of TTC. And a lot of BFNs.

In some ways, IF has become comfortable—not enjoyable, mind you. I know what to expect. I know when I'll be extra sad or sensitive. I know when I can handle baby-related news with the greatest likelihood of having dry eyes. But I'm weary. Living with prolonged grief is emotionally draining. This third year of TTC has been noticeably harder than the prior year, probably because we've checked more and more things off the treatment list that haven't worked. I can see some good fruits that have come from this suffering. I know it has brought DH and me closer. I can sympathize better with others going through IF (like some of my clients) or anyone facing a difficult cross. As painful as IF can be, I trust that God will bring a greater good out of all of this. I may not know what that good is this side of heaven, but I know there is value and power in offering up this suffering. Without taking a more "eternal" perspective, I think it would be so easy to fall quickly into despair.

A good friend shared her BFP news with me recently. She was technically IF (according to NaPro's definition of six cycles) but never mentally crossed over...she hadn't been TTC "that long." She knew of our IF from the beginning and was supportive, offering frequent prayers for us. I tried to be happy for her, and in some sense I was. I am glad she doesn't have to delve deeply into the sad world of IF—either the emotional side or the medical treatment side. But when she told me the news my first feelings were ones of hurt. She waited until nearly the end of her first trimester to tell me. Why did she wait so long? I had spoken with her more than once since she would have learned she was pregnant and specifically asked about the latest in her TTC attempts each time I spoke with her. I guess I could see not wanting to tell "people" (in a general sense) until after the first trimester in case there would be a miscarriage, but I thought I was closer to her than that. I wonder if this self-pity is a by-product of IF. In my head I sometimes think others should feel sorry for me because I'm IF, so I also feel sorry for me. Now here's another opportunity to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I have no idea what's it like to decide when to share news of a first pregnancy. I guess if it were me, I'd want prayers from at least a few others as soon as I found out...especially with an increased risk of miscarriage (which she has). Maybe she was trying to protect my feelings by waiting to tell me...although the manner in which she shared the news with me was not sensitive to an IFer, so I doubt protecting my feelings was the reason. If you're super excited by your pregnancy, that means everyone you tell is going to be super excited as well...including your IF-for-three-years friend. (I did manage a fair amount of excitement in my response.) Apparently I never shared with her how hard pregnancy announcements are...or I didn't repeat it enough times before she got pregnant.

With her pregnancy announcement, it really hit me how left behind I feel. Just since last summer, there have been six weddings among our friends. Five of those six are pregnant or recently gave birth. We were TTC before most of them even started dating. I try not to be jealous, but sometimes I can't help it. IF is so hard.

As for this cycle, against my better judgement, I have hope. ;) (although I completely forgot to take Clomid at the beginning of the cycle...oops) I used to think that the more hopeful I was in the 2WW, the worse I'd feel when CD1 arrived. I guess for the most part, it has been true. But last cycle, for whatever reason, I had very little hope that the cycle would end in a BFP—with a week of TEBB staring me in the face, clearly something is still wrong—so AF arriving wasn't a surprise at all...yet I still felt as sad (and cried as much) as any other previous cycle. So if I'm going to cry when CD1 arrives regardless of my hope level, I might as well be hopeful now.

Do I know if the IV antibiotics got rid of my TEBB? No.

Am I putting way too much stock in quasi-pregnancy symptoms? Yes.

I have no breast tenderness at all. This is a change from usual. I always have a little bit of tenderness post-peak. Well, I'm pretty sure I always have it. I stopped writing it down a long time ago. But I still pay attention even if it's not recorded on paper. This could be just my brain trying to over-analyze things in an attempt to convince myself I could be pregnant. It has happened plenty of times before, and I've been wrong every time. haha Hopefully all the fun 4th of July festivities will distract me. :)