1. I would have thought that doing NaPro treatments for over four years would mean that we would be done with finding new problems and just be on maintenance treatment for the "old" problems. That doesn't seem to be the case yet. In NaPro there are usually three stages: find, fix, count (find the problems, try treatments to fix them, and then start counting good ("effective") cycles (up to 12-18) where your chart is pretty and everything seems to be normal). In my experience, I've bounced back and forth between find and fix for a while, and then stayed in "fix" because the treatments weren't working (e.g. to eliminate TEBB) or the problem came back after having been fixed (endo—resulting in my second surgery last year).
I thought (naively?) that saying goodbye to TEBB and lowering my prolactin were the last things that needed fixing. Apparently not, at least if you look at my chart. I had one picture perfect cycle the first cycle without TEBB a few months ago. Effective cycle count: 1. The next cycle I had three days of premenstrual spotting at the end. Boo. Where did that come from?? Premenstrual spotting is usually caused by low progesterone after ovulation. But that doesn't make any sense. I'm on low-dose Clomid and post-peak HCG. My P+7 hormone levels have been great for months and months and got even better when the TEBB disappeared. But just in case my hormones drop too low too soon before AF arrives, Dr. K thought I could try taking more HCG. So the following cycle I took HCG on four days post-peak (adding in P+3) instead of the three days post-peak (P+5, P+7, P+9) which I have done for the last four years. Guess what happened to my P+7 hormones that cycle? They were through the roof. Like way too high. And I didn't take my P+7 HCG before the blood draw. Estradiol was 57 (goal >12; my previous high: 53), and progesterone was 96 (goal >13; my previous high: 73). 96!! Yikes! Dr. K was on vacation for that cycle review, so I had a substitute doctor review my chart. He said to try P+3 HCG for one more cycle and see what the next P+7 values were before changing anything. But the third cycle without TEBB looked good otherwise, so effective cycle count is at 2. Or maybe it's back to 1 because of the premenstrual spotting the cycle prior? Not sure if the effective cycles have to be consecutive...
2. Now I'm in the fourth cycle in a row without TEBB. Am I dreaming? Is this possible? :) I love it! But this cycle won't count as an effective cycle either, and it's not even over yet. Why? I had three days of random brown spotting around the time my mucus started. On two of those days it lasted all day. Gross. Disappointing. And bizarre—the brown showed up days after my period ended. I'm hoping it's not a sign my endo is back. Looking back on old charts, I noticed that, for the most part, I would have the occasional mid-cycle spotting about every three months or so...prior to my first surgery for endo. After surgery? Spotting disappeared for a long time. It reappeared about when my pain returned 15 months later. Again after my second endo surgery I had very rare mid-cycle spotting. It's becoming a little more frequent lately. I might have had a little pain during my last period, but it happened so fast that I really wasn't paying attention to see how bad it was. I hope that I imagined it. I really don't want my endo to be back. :(
3. My vitamin D is much better. In May when I had it tested during my endocrinologist visit it was 79, a significant improvement from 39 last November. I've been taking 8000 IU of liquid vitamin D daily since November, and I'm glad it's helping.
4. Oh, and speaking of the blood work the endocrinologist ordered... I called her office and asked the nurse to send me copies of all the results. When I received them in the mail, I was rather surprised. I wish I would have looked more closely at the order sheet that I dutifully carried from the exam room to the lab after finishing the appointment. You will never guess what additional test she ordered without telling me? A pregnancy test!!! Ugh!!! Talk about sneaking behind a patient's back. :P That day was CD6, and AF was completely normal (including a heavy day and a moderate day), so I had zero reason to think I was pregnant. Did she ask me if it was a normal period? No. Charting didn't even come up. I probably even had my chart with me. (Gotta be prepared!) ;) So now in the time we've been TTC, I've had three blood pregnancy tests done, all three of which I was 110% confident would have been negative. The first two were prior to each surgery...I understand they want to be extra careful so they check anyway. I really hope I don't have to do any more fake blood pregnancy tests.
5. And in completely unrelated news, there was an article floating around Facebook about the unhealthy things used to make disposable menstrual pads, which led me to search out more on the topic. I wonder if any of those chemicals in the pads have a hand in the development or regrowth of endo...? Even if they don't, all those chemicals near such a vascular area can't be a good thing. The pads I buy are just the mainstream brands, nothing organic. I mentioned a while ago that I haven't used tampons since my second surgery a year and a half ago because I heard stories from a couple ladies that their TEBB stayed away after ditching tampons. While using only pads didn't make my TEBB go away, I didn't want to make things worse if I could help it so I have continued avoiding tampons. I have noticed my periods are lighter (the heaviest days are not nearly so heavy) than when I used tampons, so that is a welcome change. I have heard others make that observation as well.
Someone commented on the article that she makes her own cloth pads. I was immediately intrigued. If you had suggested cloth pads to me last year, I probably would have been like, "Eww. No way." I'm not sure what changed, but the idea sounds great to me now. (DH's first reaction was, "Eww. I am NOT washing those.") I've searched a bit for fabrics online but I haven't decided on anything yet. I do know I want organic fabric. Cotton flannel or bamboo? That is the question! If I'm going to make pads to avoid the chemicals in the disposable ones, I'm going to go all out on these and make sure there are no chemicals. I'm also debating between all white pads (boring but no dyes) vs. super cute patterns and colors. I haven't found anything that says dyes are bad, and I do love cute things so I might be leaning that way... Anyone else use cloth pads?
6. One of my favorite hobbies is sewing. When I sew something for the first time, I usually create a Word document with step by step instructions and pictures on how to make it so I can use it for future projects. For a change of pace, I've sometimes considered posting little sewing tutorials here on my blog for the different projects I've done, but I always decided against it because they were mostly baby-related gifts (burp cloths, breastfeeding wrap, etc.) and didn't really seem to fit on an IF blog. I know all IFers have fertile friends and family that they might want to sew for, but I just decided not to post them. A cloth pad tutorial would be much more appropriate for an IF blog, now wouldn't it? ;)
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Friday, August 8, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
IF womb blessing
You may have heard about the blessing of a child in the womb for pregnant women that the USCCB approved two years ago. But did you know you can ask a priest for a womb blessing as an infertile woman?
Here's the story of what happened when I asked for a womb blessing. I hope you are comfy because it's not exactly short.
Years ago a good friend of ours was ordained to the priesthood, and DH and I attended his ordination. I had never been to an ordination before. It was probably the most beautiful Mass I have ever witnessed. It is just so moving to watch as someone gives his entire life to serving God and His Church. I love our priests. :) In the years that followed I longed to attend another ordination, but it just never worked out. Then two years ago in April I saw the announcement for our diocese's ordination so I put it on the calendar. I was looking forward to it a lot.
The ordination was just as beautiful as I remember the last one, even though I didn't know this new priest personally. If you've never been to an ordination, you are missing out. They usually take place in May or June, so you can plan ahead for next year...way ahead. :)
Since we didn't receive an invitation to the reception afterwards, we weren't planning on going to that...unless there was a general announcement at ordination inviting everyone. And there was! There were even printed driving directions for everyone. I guess it was more of a diocesan event than a personal reception for the priest's friends and family. (When my friend had his ordination reception years ago, we had received a formal invitation, but I can't remember if it was a joint reception with the other new priest ordained at the same time. I suppose different dioceses do it differently.)
At the reception a line quickly formed so people could receive a blessing from the new priest. Just like at a wedding where the newlyweds often don't get a chance to eat because they're busy greeting their guests, the priest didn't get much more than a bottle of water before the line formed. This was expected of course, and they had a small kneeler set up in a corner where the priest was standing for this purpose. I watched as people greeted the priest and kissed the palm of each of his hands. How beautiful the hands of priests because they give us Jesus in the Eucharist.
When DH and I got to the front of the line, we could see that the priest had several different blessings spread out in front of him—one for individuals, one for couples, etc. Before we knelt down, I asked if he would bless my womb because of our infertility. I thought he could just add a spontaneous sentence or two to the blessing he was already going to give us. I had heard that you can ask any priest for a womb blessing if you're infertile—which is why I asked—and I assumed that meant the priest would just come up with some appropriate words on the spot. He said he didn't have a womb blessing in front of him, but if we waited until everyone else had gone, then he would find one for us. I was surprised and pleased that he would do that for us, given that there were a lot of people in line, and he probably wanted to spend time visiting with family and friends after finishing up the individual blessings. He offered to give us the married couple blessing that he had on front of him, so we knelt down. It was all in Latin, and I know only a handful of words, so I had no idea what he said. It sounded nice though. Everything sounds nice in Latin. :)
We sat down on some nearby chairs to wait. About an hour later the line was nearing its end, and most of the people had gone home. Someone finally brought the new priest a plate of food. A seminarian came over and started talking to the priest. He stayed close to the priest and was doing something on his phone. In between blessings, he would show the phone to the priest. I thought maybe someone had sent a congratulatory message to the priest that he wanted to see...maybe on Facebook or something. When the last person was blessed, I assumed the priest would sit down to eat, so we remained where we were. I didn't really want to bother the priest since we could get a womb blessing from any priest...I just thought it would be extra special to receive it from a brand new priest. Instead of sitting down to eat with his friends who had brought him the plate of food, the priest took the cell phone from the seminarian and walked directly over to where we were sitting.
He smiled and said they found a womb blessing for infertile couples. (Apparently it was the seminarian on his phone who found it.)
I was shocked and really touched that he'd go through the effort of finding one for us! I had no idea that one already existed.
He raised his hand and started to pray over us. Again it was all in Latin. I tried to listen for words I knew, which is not very many. The only thing relevant I could think of was "fructus" from the Hail Mary: "and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus" (et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus). I think I heard the word fructus. I do remember Abraham's name mentioned. DH knows more Latin than me and thought part of it was about Israel. For all I know, he could have recounted all the couples in the Old Testament that faced infertility in addition to the entire history of Israel's relationship with God. It was a long blessing. Really long. It took five minutes maybe? Maybe a bit shorter, but not much. I was expecting a paragragh at most, so this was quite extensive.
I sincerely thanked the priest after he finished and asked on what website he found the blessing because I would love to see the English translation of it. He said it was a PDF file, and he had the hard copy of the book elsewhere. So I couldn't get a copy of it from him... I knew some of you might want to see it as well, so my inquiry wasn't just for me. :) The priest then asked our names and promised to continue to pray for us. I was so touched by his kindness that I could feel the tears coming. I held them in until we left. Since not very many (non-IF) people acknowledge the suffering that accompanies IF, it means a lot to me when someone does.
My plan was to ask a priest I knew if he would give me the text of the womb blessing. I thought it wouldn't be too difficult of a request. I was wrong. I have asked multiple (I've lost track how many) priests if they can find the text of the blessing we received, and no one has had any success in finding it. Apparently this blessing is not in the book of blessings that most priests have. Unfortunately I can't contact the priest who gave us the blessing because he is taking time away from parish life to do some studying.
It recently dawned on me that it was the seminarian who found it, so maybe I should ask a seminarian. I contacted a seminarian that I've met before, and I am waiting to hear back.
If any of you happen to have a copy of this blessing, please send it to me so I can post it here for everyone. I am on a mission here!
The reason I did not post this earlier (say, two years ago when we received the blessing) is because I really wanted to include the text of the blessing here. Even though I still don't have it, I have something else! :) There is a blessing for infertile couples that is approved for use in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Australia, and I acquired the text. I put a link at the top of my blog with the entire text. I also saved it as a PDF if you want to download it.
Ladies, I encourage you to ask your priest for a womb blessing! It's not any kind of guarantee of course but we need all the blessing and prayers and spiritual help we can get! You all know that IF is a such tough cross to carry, and this might make carrying that cross just a bit easier.
Here's the story of what happened when I asked for a womb blessing. I hope you are comfy because it's not exactly short.
Years ago a good friend of ours was ordained to the priesthood, and DH and I attended his ordination. I had never been to an ordination before. It was probably the most beautiful Mass I have ever witnessed. It is just so moving to watch as someone gives his entire life to serving God and His Church. I love our priests. :) In the years that followed I longed to attend another ordination, but it just never worked out. Then two years ago in April I saw the announcement for our diocese's ordination so I put it on the calendar. I was looking forward to it a lot.
The ordination was just as beautiful as I remember the last one, even though I didn't know this new priest personally. If you've never been to an ordination, you are missing out. They usually take place in May or June, so you can plan ahead for next year...way ahead. :)
Since we didn't receive an invitation to the reception afterwards, we weren't planning on going to that...unless there was a general announcement at ordination inviting everyone. And there was! There were even printed driving directions for everyone. I guess it was more of a diocesan event than a personal reception for the priest's friends and family. (When my friend had his ordination reception years ago, we had received a formal invitation, but I can't remember if it was a joint reception with the other new priest ordained at the same time. I suppose different dioceses do it differently.)
At the reception a line quickly formed so people could receive a blessing from the new priest. Just like at a wedding where the newlyweds often don't get a chance to eat because they're busy greeting their guests, the priest didn't get much more than a bottle of water before the line formed. This was expected of course, and they had a small kneeler set up in a corner where the priest was standing for this purpose. I watched as people greeted the priest and kissed the palm of each of his hands. How beautiful the hands of priests because they give us Jesus in the Eucharist.
When DH and I got to the front of the line, we could see that the priest had several different blessings spread out in front of him—one for individuals, one for couples, etc. Before we knelt down, I asked if he would bless my womb because of our infertility. I thought he could just add a spontaneous sentence or two to the blessing he was already going to give us. I had heard that you can ask any priest for a womb blessing if you're infertile—which is why I asked—and I assumed that meant the priest would just come up with some appropriate words on the spot. He said he didn't have a womb blessing in front of him, but if we waited until everyone else had gone, then he would find one for us. I was surprised and pleased that he would do that for us, given that there were a lot of people in line, and he probably wanted to spend time visiting with family and friends after finishing up the individual blessings. He offered to give us the married couple blessing that he had on front of him, so we knelt down. It was all in Latin, and I know only a handful of words, so I had no idea what he said. It sounded nice though. Everything sounds nice in Latin. :)
We sat down on some nearby chairs to wait. About an hour later the line was nearing its end, and most of the people had gone home. Someone finally brought the new priest a plate of food. A seminarian came over and started talking to the priest. He stayed close to the priest and was doing something on his phone. In between blessings, he would show the phone to the priest. I thought maybe someone had sent a congratulatory message to the priest that he wanted to see...maybe on Facebook or something. When the last person was blessed, I assumed the priest would sit down to eat, so we remained where we were. I didn't really want to bother the priest since we could get a womb blessing from any priest...I just thought it would be extra special to receive it from a brand new priest. Instead of sitting down to eat with his friends who had brought him the plate of food, the priest took the cell phone from the seminarian and walked directly over to where we were sitting.
He smiled and said they found a womb blessing for infertile couples. (Apparently it was the seminarian on his phone who found it.)
I was shocked and really touched that he'd go through the effort of finding one for us! I had no idea that one already existed.
He raised his hand and started to pray over us. Again it was all in Latin. I tried to listen for words I knew, which is not very many. The only thing relevant I could think of was "fructus" from the Hail Mary: "and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus" (et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus). I think I heard the word fructus. I do remember Abraham's name mentioned. DH knows more Latin than me and thought part of it was about Israel. For all I know, he could have recounted all the couples in the Old Testament that faced infertility in addition to the entire history of Israel's relationship with God. It was a long blessing. Really long. It took five minutes maybe? Maybe a bit shorter, but not much. I was expecting a paragragh at most, so this was quite extensive.
I sincerely thanked the priest after he finished and asked on what website he found the blessing because I would love to see the English translation of it. He said it was a PDF file, and he had the hard copy of the book elsewhere. So I couldn't get a copy of it from him... I knew some of you might want to see it as well, so my inquiry wasn't just for me. :) The priest then asked our names and promised to continue to pray for us. I was so touched by his kindness that I could feel the tears coming. I held them in until we left. Since not very many (non-IF) people acknowledge the suffering that accompanies IF, it means a lot to me when someone does.
My plan was to ask a priest I knew if he would give me the text of the womb blessing. I thought it wouldn't be too difficult of a request. I was wrong. I have asked multiple (I've lost track how many) priests if they can find the text of the blessing we received, and no one has had any success in finding it. Apparently this blessing is not in the book of blessings that most priests have. Unfortunately I can't contact the priest who gave us the blessing because he is taking time away from parish life to do some studying.
It recently dawned on me that it was the seminarian who found it, so maybe I should ask a seminarian. I contacted a seminarian that I've met before, and I am waiting to hear back.
If any of you happen to have a copy of this blessing, please send it to me so I can post it here for everyone. I am on a mission here!
The reason I did not post this earlier (say, two years ago when we received the blessing) is because I really wanted to include the text of the blessing here. Even though I still don't have it, I have something else! :) There is a blessing for infertile couples that is approved for use in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Australia, and I acquired the text. I put a link at the top of my blog with the entire text. I also saved it as a PDF if you want to download it.
Ladies, I encourage you to ask your priest for a womb blessing! It's not any kind of guarantee of course but we need all the blessing and prayers and spiritual help we can get! You all know that IF is a such tough cross to carry, and this might make carrying that cross just a bit easier.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Novena to Sts. Joachim and Anne
The feast day of Saints Joachim and Anne, the parents of the Blessed
Virgin Mary and grandparents of Jesus, is coming up on July 26th. They experienced infertility and were childless for twenty years. (Twenty! That certainly puts my five years in perspective...) Their community snubbed them because they thought barrenness was a punishment from God. As if infertility isn't isolating enough already! One day Joachim went to the temple with the desire to offer sacrifice but he was not allowed to because he had no children. Filled with shame and grief, he went off to the wilderness for forty days to fast and pray (and complain to God about being childless) where an angel visited him and told him he would have a daughter. Back at home, Anne was begging God for a child when an angel visited her too and gave her the same news. She was forty years old when the Virgin Mary was born.
If you'd like to pray the novena below, it starts tomorrow and goes through the day before their feast day. All those struggling with IF or miscarriage are in my prayers.
Source: USCCB website
If you'd like to pray the novena below, it starts tomorrow and goes through the day before their feast day. All those struggling with IF or miscarriage are in my prayers.
Good parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary,
grandparents of our Savior, Jesus Christ,
When life seems barren,
help us to trust in God’s mercy.
When we are confused,
help us to find the way to God.
When we are lost in the desert,
lead us to those whom God has called us to love.
When our marriage seems lifeless,
show us the eternal youth of the Lord.
When we are selfish,
teach us to cling only to that which lasts.
When we are afraid,
help us to trust in God.
When we are ashamed,
remind us that we are God’s children.
When we sin,
lead us to do God’s will.
You who know God’s will for husband and wife,
help us to live chastely.
You who know God’s will for the family,
keep all families close to you.
You who suffered without children,
intercede for all infertile couples.
You who trusted in God’s will,
help us to respect God’s gift of fertility.
You who gave birth to the Blessed Mother,
inspire couples to be co-creators with God.
You who taught the Mother of God,
teach us to nurture children in holy instruction.
You whose hearts trusted in God,
hear our prayers for . . . (mention your requests here)
Pray with us for the ministry of Catholic family life.
Pray with us for the ministry of Natural Family Planning.
Pray with us for all who give their time, talent and treasure to this good work.
Hail Mary. . . Our Father. . . Glory Be to the Father. . .
God of our fathers, you gave Saints Anne and Joachim the privilege of being the parents of Mary, the mother of your incarnate Son. May their prayers help us to attain the salvation you have promised to your people. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Source: USCCB website
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Songs for rough days
Because I wanted them all in one place, I compiled a bunch of songs that can give a little comfort, encouragement, or perspective on the hard days, especially CD1 or any other day you're feeling down.
"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"
"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North
"Life just won’t let up and I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left."
"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North
"Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?"
"You Were on the Cross" by Matt Maher
"And where were You when all that I've hoped for, where You when all that
I've dreamed came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross."
"Blessings" by Laura Story
"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"
"Even If" by Kutless
"You are God and we will bless You even if the healing doesn’t come."
"What Faith Can Do" by Kutless
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end
even when the sky is falling."
"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
"I'm waiting on You, Lord though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait."
"If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens
"I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
and I will go through the darkness if You want me to."
"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns
"And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side."
"Already There" by Casting Crowns
"From where I'm standing, Lord it's so hard for me to see where this is going
and where You're leading me."
"No One Else Knows" by Building 429
"When all I am is crying out, I hold it in and fake a smile, still I'm broken."
"Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets
"If there’s a road I should walk help me find it. If I need to be still give me peace for the moment."
"The Hurt and the Healer" by Mercy Me
"Pain so deep that I can hardly move; just keep my eyes completely fixed on You"
"Lay It Down" by Jaci Velasquez
"I know that you know that my heart is aching. I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking.
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore."
"No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts
"I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,
if not, I'll trust You, no matter what."
"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson
"...'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming"
"All I Can Say" by David Crowder Band
"I didn't know that that was You holding me. I didn't notice You were crying too."
"Need You Now" by Plumb
"How many times have you heard me cry out 'God please take this'?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?"
"Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me
"I am Yours regardless of the dark clouds that may loom above
because You are much greater than my pain."
"Carry Me" by Audrey Assad
"So, I choose to believe as I carry this cross, You'll carry me."
"Your Hands" by JJ Heller
"When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands."
"I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin
"As I pour out my heart, these things I remember. You are faithful, God, forever."
"Tunnel" by Third Day
"You've got your disappointments and sorrows. You ought to share the weight of that load with me."
"Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day
"When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you,
you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus."
"Never Alone" by Barlow Girl
"I cried out with no reply, and I can't feel You by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I know:
You're here and I'm never alone."
"Blessed Be Your Name" by Tree63
"Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering,
blessed be Your name."
"For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K
"Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles, He will be strong."
"Safe" by Phil Wickham
"When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms."
"Strong Enough" by Matthew West
"'Cause I'm broken down to nothing but I'm still holding on to the one thing.
You are God and you are strong when I am weak."
"Where I Belong" by Building 429
"So when the walls come falling down on me and when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea,
I have this blessed assurance holding me."
"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"
"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North
"Life just won’t let up and I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left."
"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North
"Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?"
"You Were on the Cross" by Matt Maher
"And where were You when all that I've hoped for, where You when all that
I've dreamed came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross."
"Blessings" by Laura Story
"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"
"Even If" by Kutless
"You are God and we will bless You even if the healing doesn’t come."
"What Faith Can Do" by Kutless
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end
even when the sky is falling."
"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
"I'm waiting on You, Lord though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait."
"If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens
"I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
and I will go through the darkness if You want me to."
"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns
"And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side."
"Already There" by Casting Crowns
"From where I'm standing, Lord it's so hard for me to see where this is going
and where You're leading me."
"No One Else Knows" by Building 429
"When all I am is crying out, I hold it in and fake a smile, still I'm broken."
"Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets
"If there’s a road I should walk help me find it. If I need to be still give me peace for the moment."
"The Hurt and the Healer" by Mercy Me
"Pain so deep that I can hardly move; just keep my eyes completely fixed on You"
"Lay It Down" by Jaci Velasquez
"I know that you know that my heart is aching. I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking.
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore."
"No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts
"I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,
if not, I'll trust You, no matter what."
"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson
"...'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming"
"All I Can Say" by David Crowder Band
"I didn't know that that was You holding me. I didn't notice You were crying too."
"Need You Now" by Plumb
"How many times have you heard me cry out 'God please take this'?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?"
"Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me
"I am Yours regardless of the dark clouds that may loom above
because You are much greater than my pain."
"Carry Me" by Audrey Assad
"So, I choose to believe as I carry this cross, You'll carry me."
"Your Hands" by JJ Heller
"When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands."
"I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin
"As I pour out my heart, these things I remember. You are faithful, God, forever."
"Tunnel" by Third Day
"You've got your disappointments and sorrows. You ought to share the weight of that load with me."
"Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day
"When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you,
you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus."
"Never Alone" by Barlow Girl
"I cried out with no reply, and I can't feel You by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I know:
You're here and I'm never alone."
"Blessed Be Your Name" by Tree63
"Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering,
blessed be Your name."
"For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K
"Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles, He will be strong."
"Safe" by Phil Wickham
"When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms."
"Strong Enough" by Matthew West
"'Cause I'm broken down to nothing but I'm still holding on to the one thing.
You are God and you are strong when I am weak."
"Where I Belong" by Building 429
"So when the walls come falling down on me and when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea,
I have this blessed assurance holding me."
Monday, July 7, 2014
Little happies - grocery store treats
Thanks to Stephanie at Blessed to Be who hosts this linkup to remind us of the small blessings in life.
During our early days of TTC I made changes to my diet to see if it would help improve fertility and later did a food intolerance test. Currently I don't eat gluten, dairy, soy, or sugar in any form (corn syrup, etc.). With a diet like that it can be hard to find pre-made foods that pass the ingredients list test and are appetizing. Here are some of my favorite treats to buy from a grocery store:
--one--
--two--
--three--
--four--
(I didn't receive any compensation from any of the above companies; I just like their products.)
Thursday, June 19, 2014
What is it about IF?
I've been thinking about this for a long
time. I'm not sure I have a good answer (just a bunch of mediocre
ones), but maybe some of you do.
What is it about infertility that makes it so difficult to understand what it's like until you personally experience it?
As with anything, you obviously understand a situation best when you've actually walked down that road yourself. But sometimes, maybe even most times, when someone else is in a difficult situation or suffering, you can have a (decent) general idea of what it's like to be in her shoes and can show compassion appropriately. For example, if your single friend's father died, you could imagine what it would be like to lose your own father and probably could come up with a list of emotions or reactions that your friend might be having. Sure, you could still say the wrong things, but you'd at least grasp the idea that your friend is hurting profoundly and will be grieving for a long time. Years later, you would understand if she leaves the room during a wedding reception when the father-daughter dance is announced and would likely want to make sure she's okay when she returns.
Maybe a father dying is a bad example to compare to IF because death of loved ones is a universal experience while IF is less common, but hopefully you get the idea that other types of suffering are easier to understand.
For some reason, infertility is different for the majority of people. If you haven't experienced it (or miscarriage), imagining what it's like to go through infertility seems to be very difficult and translating that into appropriate compassion for an infertile friend is rarely done well. I mention miscarriage because my friends who have experienced a miscarriage without any difficulty conceiving for subsequent pregnancies have been so supportive and kind to me in my infertility, even without knowing exactly what it's like to not conceive. Maybe it's because the sympathetic comments they want to hear after miscarriage are similar in nature to those that would comfort an IFer and the loss of the dream of holding a child in your arms is comparable. (I don't presume to speak for someone who had a miscarriage. Please correct me if I misspoke...er...mistyped.) Single ladies who long to be married and have been waiting for years to meet their future spouse also tend to relate well to IFers, in my experience.
Lest you think I am blaming anyone, I include myself in that group who couldn't show compassion before I knew I was infertile. During FCP training (I was pre-IF then), there was some brief talk about working with infertile couples, but I don't remember what was said. Either I spaced out or there wasn't much said. I remember receiving a list of books we could purchase and read to get a better idea of what an infertile couple is going through, but I honestly wasn't going to put in the extra effort for something that I didn't see a need for. I thought if it was important they would have emphasized it during FCP training, not mention it as optional reading. I just thought I'd teach IF couples how to chart and send them to a NaPro doctor. I primarily saw infertility as the symptom of one or more medical problems, which may or may not be fixable. (How I would l love to interview the pre-IF me right now!) The emotional toll infertility takes on a couple was not on my radar AT ALL. If you had told me that IFers experience similar rates of depression to cancer patients, I might not have believed it. Or if you told me how often and easily the tears come and how much of everyday life is affected by IF, I would have been shocked. My supervisor gave me a couple tips on what to say to infertile couples (1. don't promise them a baby and 2. remind them NaPro is not a quick fix and may be unlike anything they've tried before), but that was it. I did receive a little sensitivity training later that I wrote about here.
Sometime after I started as an FCP intern, I ran into a friend of mine. I knew she used the Creighton Model because we both learned from the same practitioner. She revealed that she had been TTC for more than six months and hadn't conceived (so she was "officially" IF). I don't remember exactly what I said, but I don't think I said much in response. At the time I remember thinking that I had no idea what to say to her. I hope I said, "I'm sorry," but that would have been it. I definitely erred on the side of not saying much so I wouldn't say the wrong thing. I do remember that I didn't feel too sad for her; I had no idea how much her heart was breaking. Normally I'm pretty sympathetic (or empathetic) if a friend is sad. I will often cry if a friend is crying or even before she cries, but this time I just didn't understand what she was going through so I didn't know I should be sad for her or with her.
This baffles me today because at the time of that conversation, I wanted nothing more than to have a bunch of kids. Why I couldn't take two seconds and think about how I would feel if I couldn't have kids and that dream would go unfulfilled is beyond me. Later when I learned we were infertile too, I thought back to that conversation with her and wished that I could do it over.
Why didn't I know better?
What is it about infertility?
Why do non-infertile people have such a hard time sympathizing or empathizing with an IFer?
Here are my shots in the dark at answering that ten thousand dollar question:
1. Nobody died - With primary IF and never having been pregnant, no person existed for whom you could grieve. Grieving the absence of a person who never existed might not make sense on the surface, so it might not cross the mind of a person who wasn't infertile.
It reminds me of this quote from Laura Bush:
2. Nobody is dying - IF is not a life-threatening illness so in that sense the medical problems underlying IF don't seem so devastating or serious, say, as someone who has cancer. (I know this is comparing apples and oranges but a non-IFer might not be able to see that IF can be devastating in its own right even without the life-threatening aspect.)
3. All they know is joy - If your life is mostly joyful and is going the way you want it, it can be hard to put yourself in a mindset to sit with someone in their sorrow or difficulty. It seems to be a common tendency to want to alleviate someone else's suffering or to try to fix the problem rather than to just stand at the foot of the cross and suffer a little with them.
Maybe it takes great suffering to learn great compassion for others' suffering, especially for suffering that is not easily apparent (IF) to the non-initiated.
4. More than meets the eye - People underestimate the desire to have biological children—the desire for the love you and your husband have to directly result in the creation of another person (co-creation with God)—and maybe the only way it would sink in is if you couldn't fulfill that desire. From a secular perspective, children can be seen as more of an "accessory" to marriage and not one of its primary aims, so not being able to conceive might be thought of as a minor disappointment or not a big deal because children weren't valued as much in the first place. You would think that Christians, and especially those who have studied the Theology of the Body (TOB), would have a greater chance of grasping this because they see the immense intrinsic value and beauty that children have in a family and in the Kingdom of God and see how being open to children is a reflection of God's love. At least my perspective deepened on this when I first learned TOB (and it made me go from wanting 4 kids to wanting 8 or more with the goal of wanting to help populate heaven). But then again even knowing TOB didn't give me any more understanding of infertility than the average person. (In case I am not conveying my point very well, I am not saying families of two (husband and wife) have any less value than families with children. I am also not referring to adoption at all with this point...see the next one for that.)
5. Just adopt - (this one is more speculation than the rest) Related to #4... I wonder if the fact that adoption is an option to grow families makes people less likely to dwell on the impact infertility has on a couple emotionally. If a person thinks the (only) problem is lack of children, then adoption seems to be a logical substitute to pregnancy because it results in children added to the family. Adoption then becomes the solution to infertility; however, I know adoptive parents have said that it doesn't fix or solve infertility. Infertility is not simply a lack of children, but I could see how a non-IFer might equate the two.
6. Few and far between - As I mentioned above, IF isn't super common. I've read that 1 in 8 to 1 in 6 couples experience IF. I guess that means most people know an IFer; however, IF isn't often discussed because it can be a very personal and emotional conversation that an IFer might not want to have with every person she meets. So maybe the lack of knowledge of how to relate to an IFer is simply lack of experience with them. I remember meeting a fertile woman and being impressed with her response to me after I said we had been TTC for years. It turned out one of her good friends was also infertile so she had "practice" so to speak with interacting with an IFer.
So what are your thoughts? I'm very curious to hear how you'd answer the question above.
What is it about infertility that makes it so difficult to understand what it's like until you personally experience it?
As with anything, you obviously understand a situation best when you've actually walked down that road yourself. But sometimes, maybe even most times, when someone else is in a difficult situation or suffering, you can have a (decent) general idea of what it's like to be in her shoes and can show compassion appropriately. For example, if your single friend's father died, you could imagine what it would be like to lose your own father and probably could come up with a list of emotions or reactions that your friend might be having. Sure, you could still say the wrong things, but you'd at least grasp the idea that your friend is hurting profoundly and will be grieving for a long time. Years later, you would understand if she leaves the room during a wedding reception when the father-daughter dance is announced and would likely want to make sure she's okay when she returns.
Maybe a father dying is a bad example to compare to IF because death of loved ones is a universal experience while IF is less common, but hopefully you get the idea that other types of suffering are easier to understand.
For some reason, infertility is different for the majority of people. If you haven't experienced it (or miscarriage), imagining what it's like to go through infertility seems to be very difficult and translating that into appropriate compassion for an infertile friend is rarely done well. I mention miscarriage because my friends who have experienced a miscarriage without any difficulty conceiving for subsequent pregnancies have been so supportive and kind to me in my infertility, even without knowing exactly what it's like to not conceive. Maybe it's because the sympathetic comments they want to hear after miscarriage are similar in nature to those that would comfort an IFer and the loss of the dream of holding a child in your arms is comparable. (I don't presume to speak for someone who had a miscarriage. Please correct me if I misspoke...er...mistyped.) Single ladies who long to be married and have been waiting for years to meet their future spouse also tend to relate well to IFers, in my experience.
Lest you think I am blaming anyone, I include myself in that group who couldn't show compassion before I knew I was infertile. During FCP training (I was pre-IF then), there was some brief talk about working with infertile couples, but I don't remember what was said. Either I spaced out or there wasn't much said. I remember receiving a list of books we could purchase and read to get a better idea of what an infertile couple is going through, but I honestly wasn't going to put in the extra effort for something that I didn't see a need for. I thought if it was important they would have emphasized it during FCP training, not mention it as optional reading. I just thought I'd teach IF couples how to chart and send them to a NaPro doctor. I primarily saw infertility as the symptom of one or more medical problems, which may or may not be fixable. (How I would l love to interview the pre-IF me right now!) The emotional toll infertility takes on a couple was not on my radar AT ALL. If you had told me that IFers experience similar rates of depression to cancer patients, I might not have believed it. Or if you told me how often and easily the tears come and how much of everyday life is affected by IF, I would have been shocked. My supervisor gave me a couple tips on what to say to infertile couples (1. don't promise them a baby and 2. remind them NaPro is not a quick fix and may be unlike anything they've tried before), but that was it. I did receive a little sensitivity training later that I wrote about here.
Sometime after I started as an FCP intern, I ran into a friend of mine. I knew she used the Creighton Model because we both learned from the same practitioner. She revealed that she had been TTC for more than six months and hadn't conceived (so she was "officially" IF). I don't remember exactly what I said, but I don't think I said much in response. At the time I remember thinking that I had no idea what to say to her. I hope I said, "I'm sorry," but that would have been it. I definitely erred on the side of not saying much so I wouldn't say the wrong thing. I do remember that I didn't feel too sad for her; I had no idea how much her heart was breaking. Normally I'm pretty sympathetic (or empathetic) if a friend is sad. I will often cry if a friend is crying or even before she cries, but this time I just didn't understand what she was going through so I didn't know I should be sad for her or with her.
This baffles me today because at the time of that conversation, I wanted nothing more than to have a bunch of kids. Why I couldn't take two seconds and think about how I would feel if I couldn't have kids and that dream would go unfulfilled is beyond me. Later when I learned we were infertile too, I thought back to that conversation with her and wished that I could do it over.
Why didn't I know better?
What is it about infertility?
Why do non-infertile people have such a hard time sympathizing or empathizing with an IFer?
Here are my shots in the dark at answering that ten thousand dollar question:
1. Nobody died - With primary IF and never having been pregnant, no person existed for whom you could grieve. Grieving the absence of a person who never existed might not make sense on the surface, so it might not cross the mind of a person who wasn't infertile.
It reminds me of this quote from Laura Bush:
"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
2. Nobody is dying - IF is not a life-threatening illness so in that sense the medical problems underlying IF don't seem so devastating or serious, say, as someone who has cancer. (I know this is comparing apples and oranges but a non-IFer might not be able to see that IF can be devastating in its own right even without the life-threatening aspect.)
3. All they know is joy - If your life is mostly joyful and is going the way you want it, it can be hard to put yourself in a mindset to sit with someone in their sorrow or difficulty. It seems to be a common tendency to want to alleviate someone else's suffering or to try to fix the problem rather than to just stand at the foot of the cross and suffer a little with them.
Maybe it takes great suffering to learn great compassion for others' suffering, especially for suffering that is not easily apparent (IF) to the non-initiated.
4. More than meets the eye - People underestimate the desire to have biological children—the desire for the love you and your husband have to directly result in the creation of another person (co-creation with God)—and maybe the only way it would sink in is if you couldn't fulfill that desire. From a secular perspective, children can be seen as more of an "accessory" to marriage and not one of its primary aims, so not being able to conceive might be thought of as a minor disappointment or not a big deal because children weren't valued as much in the first place. You would think that Christians, and especially those who have studied the Theology of the Body (TOB), would have a greater chance of grasping this because they see the immense intrinsic value and beauty that children have in a family and in the Kingdom of God and see how being open to children is a reflection of God's love. At least my perspective deepened on this when I first learned TOB (and it made me go from wanting 4 kids to wanting 8 or more with the goal of wanting to help populate heaven). But then again even knowing TOB didn't give me any more understanding of infertility than the average person. (In case I am not conveying my point very well, I am not saying families of two (husband and wife) have any less value than families with children. I am also not referring to adoption at all with this point...see the next one for that.)
5. Just adopt - (this one is more speculation than the rest) Related to #4... I wonder if the fact that adoption is an option to grow families makes people less likely to dwell on the impact infertility has on a couple emotionally. If a person thinks the (only) problem is lack of children, then adoption seems to be a logical substitute to pregnancy because it results in children added to the family. Adoption then becomes the solution to infertility; however, I know adoptive parents have said that it doesn't fix or solve infertility. Infertility is not simply a lack of children, but I could see how a non-IFer might equate the two.
6. Few and far between - As I mentioned above, IF isn't super common. I've read that 1 in 8 to 1 in 6 couples experience IF. I guess that means most people know an IFer; however, IF isn't often discussed because it can be a very personal and emotional conversation that an IFer might not want to have with every person she meets. So maybe the lack of knowledge of how to relate to an IFer is simply lack of experience with them. I remember meeting a fertile woman and being impressed with her response to me after I said we had been TTC for years. It turned out one of her good friends was also infertile so she had "practice" so to speak with interacting with an IFer.
So what are your thoughts? I'm very curious to hear how you'd answer the question above.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Signs
Perhaps only an FCP would turn the car around in order to take a picture of this sign.
They were not handing out green baby stamps though (or green babies for that matter). :)
Except maybe me getting pregnant... Just kidding, God! (God can take a joke, right?)
It is a nice reminder though. ;)
It is a nice reminder though. ;)
The difficulty arises when you can't tell the difference between "no" and "wait."
It can be a challenge to figure out what to do instead or in the meantime.
It can be a challenge to figure out what to do instead or in the meantime.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
IF on TV
(I broke this topic into two posts because it was getting long. Go here for IF in the movies.)
I always find it interesting when the topic of infertility makes its way into a TV show or a movie. I was surprised this spring when it popped up in two of the shows I like to watch: "Hart of Dixie" and "Call the Midwife." I know you're probably wondering what a nice IF girl like me is doing watching a show named "Call the Midwife" because it's probably all about pregnant women and the birth of babies. Yes, the show is almost entirely about labor and delivery. Several babies are born during each episode. What can I say? I like BBC period dramas and, well, most other dramas made by the BBC. (Downton Abbey, anyone? :) I've watched it and nearly all PBS's Masterpiece series since they aired film versions of six of Jane Austen's novels a handful of years ago. I have been hooked ever since. It is a very happy day for me when the new Masterpiece schedule comes out for the upcoming months.)
SPOILER ALERT: If you want to watch these episodes without reading about the IF scenes first or what happens to the IF couple, then skip most of this post. I highly recommend these episodes, especially "Call the Midwife." I'll list the shows and specific episodes right now and talk in more detail later in the post. If you do want to watch them, do it soon because the "Call the Midwife" episodes will be free online until 6/17/14 and only two of the three "Hart of Dixie" episodes are still available.
TV shows:
Hart of Dixie
Episode 319 - "A Better Man"
The characters:
Wanda & Tom - the married couple with IF who are just beginning medical treatment
Dr. B - the small town's family practice doctor
Here is a scene at Wanda's doctor appointment:
Wanda: "I know this medication is helping me, but I think it's making me crazy. One second I'm so happy. I look at Tom. I love him so much. The next I see his eyebrows and they are sooo bushy. I want to tear those eyebrows out, like rip them off his face."
Dr. B: "Moodiness is a common side effect of clomiphene. Now the good news: it is working! You are officially ovulating. So you and Tom need to start trying to make a baby tonight. Hahaha. Bushy eyebrows or not!"
There are more scenes that touch on the pressure the couple feels to "perform" that night and their attempts to "relax" during the day so they're ready at night. The scenes go a bit overboard—most IFers don't tell everyone they meet that they're ovulating and need to try to make a baby that night—but they do touch on very real issues us IFers face, so I was impressed that aspect was included.
Episode 320 - "Together Again"
The couple goes back to the doctor because AF arrived after the first cycle of Clomid. There is also a scene where the IF couple is babysitting a baby and the wife doesn't want to give the baby back to the mom, which has probably crossed most IFers' minds at some point or another....right? (or it's just me) In the middle of the show there is this scene:
Tom: Dr. B? You might want to come. We have a situation.
(both of them run out of the doctor's office into the town square where Wanda is)
Dr. B: Oh, she's pushing an empty baby carriage?
Tom: Oh, I wish. I wish.
Tom: Hey, sweetie. Why don't you show Dr. B what's in the baby stroller?
Wanda: Of course! Isn't he wonderful?
This is what they see:
Dr. B: Oh! It's a goat...in a onesie.
Wanda: (angrily) Your point?
I think dressing up an animal like a baby is supposed to be a new level of crazy caused by the Clomid. I suppose it's probably not healthy to pretend your pet is a baby...although I understand the desire. ;)
Episode 322 - "Second Chance"
It only took two cycles of Clomid for Tom and Wanda to get a BFP. If only it worked like that for everyone... I was a bit disappointed that that's the extent of the IF storyline, but I guess something is better than nothing. I hope the short duration of medical treatment in the show doesn't perpetuate a myth that it's that easy for all IF couples to conceive...
Call the Midwife
The show is set in London in the 1950s. The midwives live together in a convent house. Some of midwives are Anglican nuns; the rest are single ladies in their twenties. If you can handle seeing prenatal care and births (nothing graphic shown), these episodes with an IF couple are really, really good. If you watch them, you might want the tissues handy, especially with episodes 3 and 8.
The characters:
Shelagh and Dr. Patrick Turner - the married couple with IF
Episode 3
Shelagh and Patrick are newlyweds but older than most other newlyweds. (Shelagh was previously an Anglican nun and midwife. Patrick was a widower with an 11-year-old son Tim from his first marriage.) Shelagh hasn't had her period in a while, so she wants to take a pregnancy test, but she needs a doctor's signature to request the test. She had wanted to surprise her husband with the news, but instead has to ask him to sign the order. He is very sweet and tells her he will forget that he had to sign it and will act surprised when she gives him the news. Can you imagine having to wait to receive the results of a pregnancy test until they're mailed to you? In the meantime, she is overanalyzing her symptoms of possible pregnancy (or lack thereof) just like I have done many times.
Since she hasn't had a period in three months and isn't pregnant, Shelagh agrees to have an exploratory surgery with a local doctor to see if there is a visible problem. When she wakes up from surgery, she demands to know the results now (again this sounds familiar to me) instead of waiting until she is more rested. Her husband gives her the news that she has scar tissue throughout her pelvic organs from a previous TB infection.
Shelagh: I know there's no hope. You don't need to tell me. I'm sorry.
Patrick: Don't say that. So many dreams came true.
Shelagh: Just not all of them.
I definitely needed the tissues for that scene. I very much could relate to her broken heart upon hearing the news of infertility, to her apologizing to her husband for being IF, and to her husband trying to comfort her by saying he is so happy to have married her. DH and I have had similar conversations multiple times over the past four years.
Episode 4
In the Turner household, this scene happens: (Shelagh is holding back tears.)
Patrick: What's that?
Shelagh: The nightdress I was making. With every stitch I could see the baby's face more clearly. Now the nightdress will never be needed, and the face won't go away.
Patrick: Put it in the drawer, Shelagh. Put it away out of sight.
Shelagh: I tried that.
Patrick: This isn't the end of the world. It's just the end of a road. We'll find a way ahead.
Shelagh: I'm looking for it. I really am.
I have baby and maternity things hidden away under the bed. If only hiding them would solve all my problems... This scene was such a reminder of dashed dreams due to IF.
Later Shelagh puts the nightdress in a bag and gives it to the head nun Sister Julienne for the charity box. It must have been really difficult for her to part with it.
It's unrelated to IF, but Shelagh's choir sings "Ave Verum Corpus" at the end of the episode. It's one of my very favorite hymns. Beautiful.
Episode 6
Shelagh's step-son invites the new boy at school over to his house. The boy's mother Jean comes over as well and has tea with Shelagh as the boys play.
Jean: My husband and I couldn't have children of our own. Colin's mom died and he'd been put in foster care. He knows he's adopted. And we all know we're lucky.
(Shelagh just stares at the other mom like she can't believe she found someone else who is infertile.)
Jean: And all the way along the more love he's needed, the more love we've found. We haven't run out yet.
Later in the episode, Shelagh brings up the idea of adoption to her husband. Patrick is on board with the idea immediately. The scene where they discuss the idea with Tim, their 11-year-old son, is really sweet.
Shelagh meets with an adoption agency and brings home a pile of paperwork for the application. She shows it to Patrick, and he is not as excited as he was earlier about the idea.
Patrick: I don't know why they need to know half of this stuff. I've never seen so many questions.
Shelagh: (laughs) Quite.
Patrick: No. I'm sorry, Shelagh. You've rushed into this. There are plenty of adoption charities, and we should talk to them all. Find out what conditions they impose.
Shelagh: No one's imposing any conditions. They just want to know who we are.
Patrick: It's perfectly obvious who we are.
Shelagh: Patrick! We're filling these forms in tonight.
I'm not sure if he really thought they could find an agency with less paperwork required or if he was trying to put the brakes on the process. I was a little surprised that he was as open as he was to the idea of adoption when Shelagh first brought it up.
Episode 7
Shelagh and Patrick have the interview with the adoption agency, which doesn't end well. The interviewer probes Patrick about an omission in the paperwork in his detailed service and work history. Patrick lies to cover it up. The interviewer reveals that she found out he was an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital being treated for war neurosis for several months. He tries to explain it and says that he's since recovered. It is clear that this is news to Shelagh, but she tries to cover it up.
Shelagh: We've both needed great strength.
Interviewer: We believe a child should be placed in a home where truth and trust are central to that home.
(later at their home)
Shelagh: How could you not tell me?
Patrick: I didn't think she would go through my entire history.
Shelagh: She's placing a child. She needs to know who she is placing it with. So do I. What happened to you?
Patrick: I can't talk about it.
Episode 8
Shelagh and Patrick receive a letter saying that they have been accepted as adoptive parents. Later they get "the call" that there is a baby girl for them.
Standing outside the door of the nursery at the adoption agency, this conversation happens:
Patrick: Do you want to go in alone?
Shelagh: No, Patrick. This is the closest I'm ever going to get to giving birth, and I want you and I need you to be by my side.
They meet their new baby daughter. It's a tearjerking scene for sure.
One of the midwives comments to her boyfriend after hearing about the adoption match:
Midwife: She's been given the prize of a lifetime today.
Boyfriend: The baby?
Midwife: It's just such a magical thought. These souls that have never met being put together for a lifetime.
Boyfriend: That's quite a deep thought for a Saturday evening.
And in a very happy ending for the season, the head nun Sister Julienne gives Shelagh a present. When she opens it:
Shelagh: The nightdress? You kept it?
Sister Julienne: For you. For better times to come.
Now that I've spoiled everything for you, I still recommend watching these "Call the Midwife" episodes if you have time to kill in the next week and a half. :)
I always find it interesting when the topic of infertility makes its way into a TV show or a movie. I was surprised this spring when it popped up in two of the shows I like to watch: "Hart of Dixie" and "Call the Midwife." I know you're probably wondering what a nice IF girl like me is doing watching a show named "Call the Midwife" because it's probably all about pregnant women and the birth of babies. Yes, the show is almost entirely about labor and delivery. Several babies are born during each episode. What can I say? I like BBC period dramas and, well, most other dramas made by the BBC. (Downton Abbey, anyone? :) I've watched it and nearly all PBS's Masterpiece series since they aired film versions of six of Jane Austen's novels a handful of years ago. I have been hooked ever since. It is a very happy day for me when the new Masterpiece schedule comes out for the upcoming months.)
SPOILER ALERT: If you want to watch these episodes without reading about the IF scenes first or what happens to the IF couple, then skip most of this post. I highly recommend these episodes, especially "Call the Midwife." I'll list the shows and specific episodes right now and talk in more detail later in the post. If you do want to watch them, do it soon because the "Call the Midwife" episodes will be free online until 6/17/14 and only two of the three "Hart of Dixie" episodes are still available.
TV shows:
- Hart of Dixie (CW website) - season 3: episodes 319, episode 320 (5/2/14), episode 322 (5/16/14)
- Call the Midwife (PBS website) - season 3: episodes 3, 4, 6-8
**********************BEGIN SPOILER ALERT**********************
Hart of Dixie
Episode 319 - "A Better Man"
The characters:
Wanda & Tom - the married couple with IF who are just beginning medical treatment
Dr. B - the small town's family practice doctor
Here is a scene at Wanda's doctor appointment:
Wanda: "I know this medication is helping me, but I think it's making me crazy. One second I'm so happy. I look at Tom. I love him so much. The next I see his eyebrows and they are sooo bushy. I want to tear those eyebrows out, like rip them off his face."
Dr. B: "Moodiness is a common side effect of clomiphene. Now the good news: it is working! You are officially ovulating. So you and Tom need to start trying to make a baby tonight. Hahaha. Bushy eyebrows or not!"
There are more scenes that touch on the pressure the couple feels to "perform" that night and their attempts to "relax" during the day so they're ready at night. The scenes go a bit overboard—most IFers don't tell everyone they meet that they're ovulating and need to try to make a baby that night—but they do touch on very real issues us IFers face, so I was impressed that aspect was included.
Episode 320 - "Together Again"
The couple goes back to the doctor because AF arrived after the first cycle of Clomid. There is also a scene where the IF couple is babysitting a baby and the wife doesn't want to give the baby back to the mom, which has probably crossed most IFers' minds at some point or another....right? (or it's just me) In the middle of the show there is this scene:
Tom: Dr. B? You might want to come. We have a situation.
(both of them run out of the doctor's office into the town square where Wanda is)
Dr. B: Oh, she's pushing an empty baby carriage?
Tom: Oh, I wish. I wish.
Tom: Hey, sweetie. Why don't you show Dr. B what's in the baby stroller?
Wanda: Of course! Isn't he wonderful?
This is what they see:
Wanda: (angrily) Your point?
I think dressing up an animal like a baby is supposed to be a new level of crazy caused by the Clomid. I suppose it's probably not healthy to pretend your pet is a baby...although I understand the desire. ;)
Episode 322 - "Second Chance"
It only took two cycles of Clomid for Tom and Wanda to get a BFP. If only it worked like that for everyone... I was a bit disappointed that that's the extent of the IF storyline, but I guess something is better than nothing. I hope the short duration of medical treatment in the show doesn't perpetuate a myth that it's that easy for all IF couples to conceive...
Call the Midwife
The show is set in London in the 1950s. The midwives live together in a convent house. Some of midwives are Anglican nuns; the rest are single ladies in their twenties. If you can handle seeing prenatal care and births (nothing graphic shown), these episodes with an IF couple are really, really good. If you watch them, you might want the tissues handy, especially with episodes 3 and 8.
The characters:
Shelagh and Dr. Patrick Turner - the married couple with IF
Episode 3
Shelagh and Patrick are newlyweds but older than most other newlyweds. (Shelagh was previously an Anglican nun and midwife. Patrick was a widower with an 11-year-old son Tim from his first marriage.) Shelagh hasn't had her period in a while, so she wants to take a pregnancy test, but she needs a doctor's signature to request the test. She had wanted to surprise her husband with the news, but instead has to ask him to sign the order. He is very sweet and tells her he will forget that he had to sign it and will act surprised when she gives him the news. Can you imagine having to wait to receive the results of a pregnancy test until they're mailed to you? In the meantime, she is overanalyzing her symptoms of possible pregnancy (or lack thereof) just like I have done many times.
 |
| Patrick: "Negative this time." (sounds like other optimistic husbands I know) |
 |
| looks like a nice surgery recovery room |
Shelagh: I know there's no hope. You don't need to tell me. I'm sorry.
Patrick: Don't say that. So many dreams came true.
Shelagh: Just not all of them.
I definitely needed the tissues for that scene. I very much could relate to her broken heart upon hearing the news of infertility, to her apologizing to her husband for being IF, and to her husband trying to comfort her by saying he is so happy to have married her. DH and I have had similar conversations multiple times over the past four years.
Episode 4
In the Turner household, this scene happens: (Shelagh is holding back tears.)
Patrick: What's that?
Shelagh: The nightdress I was making. With every stitch I could see the baby's face more clearly. Now the nightdress will never be needed, and the face won't go away.
Patrick: Put it in the drawer, Shelagh. Put it away out of sight.
Shelagh: I tried that.
Patrick: This isn't the end of the world. It's just the end of a road. We'll find a way ahead.
Shelagh: I'm looking for it. I really am.
I have baby and maternity things hidden away under the bed. If only hiding them would solve all my problems... This scene was such a reminder of dashed dreams due to IF.
Later Shelagh puts the nightdress in a bag and gives it to the head nun Sister Julienne for the charity box. It must have been really difficult for her to part with it.
It's unrelated to IF, but Shelagh's choir sings "Ave Verum Corpus" at the end of the episode. It's one of my very favorite hymns. Beautiful.
Episode 6
Shelagh's step-son invites the new boy at school over to his house. The boy's mother Jean comes over as well and has tea with Shelagh as the boys play.
Jean: My husband and I couldn't have children of our own. Colin's mom died and he'd been put in foster care. He knows he's adopted. And we all know we're lucky.
(Shelagh just stares at the other mom like she can't believe she found someone else who is infertile.)
Jean: And all the way along the more love he's needed, the more love we've found. We haven't run out yet.
Later in the episode, Shelagh brings up the idea of adoption to her husband. Patrick is on board with the idea immediately. The scene where they discuss the idea with Tim, their 11-year-old son, is really sweet.
Shelagh meets with an adoption agency and brings home a pile of paperwork for the application. She shows it to Patrick, and he is not as excited as he was earlier about the idea.
Patrick: I don't know why they need to know half of this stuff. I've never seen so many questions.
Shelagh: (laughs) Quite.
Patrick: No. I'm sorry, Shelagh. You've rushed into this. There are plenty of adoption charities, and we should talk to them all. Find out what conditions they impose.
Shelagh: No one's imposing any conditions. They just want to know who we are.
Patrick: It's perfectly obvious who we are.
Shelagh: Patrick! We're filling these forms in tonight.
I'm not sure if he really thought they could find an agency with less paperwork required or if he was trying to put the brakes on the process. I was a little surprised that he was as open as he was to the idea of adoption when Shelagh first brought it up.
Episode 7
Shelagh and Patrick have the interview with the adoption agency, which doesn't end well. The interviewer probes Patrick about an omission in the paperwork in his detailed service and work history. Patrick lies to cover it up. The interviewer reveals that she found out he was an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital being treated for war neurosis for several months. He tries to explain it and says that he's since recovered. It is clear that this is news to Shelagh, but she tries to cover it up.
Shelagh: We've both needed great strength.
Interviewer: We believe a child should be placed in a home where truth and trust are central to that home.
Shelagh: How could you not tell me?
Patrick: I didn't think she would go through my entire history.
Shelagh: She's placing a child. She needs to know who she is placing it with. So do I. What happened to you?
Patrick: I can't talk about it.
Episode 8
Shelagh and Patrick receive a letter saying that they have been accepted as adoptive parents. Later they get "the call" that there is a baby girl for them.
Standing outside the door of the nursery at the adoption agency, this conversation happens:
Patrick: Do you want to go in alone?
Shelagh: No, Patrick. This is the closest I'm ever going to get to giving birth, and I want you and I need you to be by my side.
They meet their new baby daughter. It's a tearjerking scene for sure.
One of the midwives comments to her boyfriend after hearing about the adoption match:
Midwife: She's been given the prize of a lifetime today.
Boyfriend: The baby?
Midwife: It's just such a magical thought. These souls that have never met being put together for a lifetime.
Boyfriend: That's quite a deep thought for a Saturday evening.
And in a very happy ending for the season, the head nun Sister Julienne gives Shelagh a present. When she opens it:
Shelagh: The nightdress? You kept it?
Sister Julienne: For you. For better times to come.
Now that I've spoiled everything for you, I still recommend watching these "Call the Midwife" episodes if you have time to kill in the next week and a half. :)
Friday, June 6, 2014
IF in the movies
(I broke this topic into two posts because it was getting long. Go here for IF on TV.)
Below are my two favorite movies that address infertility in at least one scene. If I had to give an honorable mention award, it would be to "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I know, I know. It's not the typical movie an IFer would watch. I think I was having a good day and was in a stable part of my cycle so I thought I could handle watching it. One of the couples in the movie is infertile and is going through the adoption process; I thought the portrayal of that couple was quite good. The rest of the movie is cute. :)
There are other movies that touch on infertility that I haven't seen. I have seen the trailer and clips from a few scenes of the movie "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" which features an IF couple told by a doctor nothing can be done medically to help them conceive. Just the trailer and clips made me cry, so it's quite possible I would be a sobbing mess if I watched the whole movie. Maybe someday. On a good day. ;)
SPOILER ALERT: If you want to watch these movies without reading about the IF scenes first or what happens to the IF couple, then skip most of this post. I'll list the movie titles right now and talk in more detail later in the post.
Movies:
Up
The first time I watched this movie I was hanging out with two single girlfriends of mine. We were sitting in the living room with the lights dimmed but still on. It was in the first year of IF for me. I did not know what the movie was about except that there was a flying house carried by balloons (on the cover of the DVD). I was definitely not prepared for the opening sequence. The movie starts off innocently following a boy and girl growing up and eventually marrying. They are shown painting the walls of a nursery. You presume they are pregnant or planning to be pregnant soon.
Then this very brief scene appears:
It totally caught me off guard. I feel like that picture could definitely paint a thousand words and really captures the sadness that comes with IF and part of the dynamic of how couples react. I immediately had tears running down my cheeks when seeing this. I had a tissue in my pocket and tried to inconspicuously dab my eyes. My friends had no idea we were TTC and IF. In the movie there are no details given about whether the wife has a miscarriage or is told she won't be able to conceive. The scenes following the couple as they age continue until both are gray-haired. They remain childless for their entire marriage. After this brief background story of the couple, the main plot begins with the husband (now widower) and a young neighbor boy. Even though the IF reference scene is very brief, I think it is powerful. (It has stayed etched in my mind for years.)
Julie & Julia
Both DH and I enjoy this movie. I just watched it for the tenth or so time last weekend. It's the story of two women told simultaneously even though they lived decades apart. Julia Child (the famous cook) is living in France in the late 1940s (married at age 34), and Julie Powell is a 30-year-old wife in modern day NYC who decides to make all of the recipes in Julia Child's cookbook in a year. She starts a blog to document her progress. Both ladies are childless due to IF, but IF is not mentioned in Julie's story at all. (The Julie in real life had PCOS.) There are two scenes in Julia's life which allude to IF without coming out and saying, "We can't have children."
The pictures below are all screenshots of the movie itself.
Scene 1: A walk in the park
Julia and her husband Paul are walking through a park in Paris and enjoying the day. They pass a baby carriage, and Julia turns to look at the baby as it nears. Paul notices that Julia looked at the baby carriage, and when she turns back around to continue walking, Paul kisses her hand and smiles at her. It's so simple and subtle, but I'm sure anyone with IF would recognize how supportive Paul is being and how much it must sting for Julia to see a baby. I wonder if non-IFers would think much of the scene at all.
Scene 2: In the kitchen reading a letter from Julia's sister Dorothy
Julia receives a letter from her newly-married sister Dorothy, who is around 33 years old, with the news that Dorothy is pregnant. Julia's reaction is so true to life. She starts crying but says she is happy for her sister. (I cried with her the first time I saw this scene.) Joy and sadness all rolled into one...that's just how pregnancy announcements are (usually) for me.
What are your favorite movies that touch on infertility?
Below are my two favorite movies that address infertility in at least one scene. If I had to give an honorable mention award, it would be to "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I know, I know. It's not the typical movie an IFer would watch. I think I was having a good day and was in a stable part of my cycle so I thought I could handle watching it. One of the couples in the movie is infertile and is going through the adoption process; I thought the portrayal of that couple was quite good. The rest of the movie is cute. :)
There are other movies that touch on infertility that I haven't seen. I have seen the trailer and clips from a few scenes of the movie "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" which features an IF couple told by a doctor nothing can be done medically to help them conceive. Just the trailer and clips made me cry, so it's quite possible I would be a sobbing mess if I watched the whole movie. Maybe someday. On a good day. ;)
SPOILER ALERT: If you want to watch these movies without reading about the IF scenes first or what happens to the IF couple, then skip most of this post. I'll list the movie titles right now and talk in more detail later in the post.
Movies:
- Up
- Julie & Julia
**********************BEGIN SPOILER ALERT**********************
Up
The first time I watched this movie I was hanging out with two single girlfriends of mine. We were sitting in the living room with the lights dimmed but still on. It was in the first year of IF for me. I did not know what the movie was about except that there was a flying house carried by balloons (on the cover of the DVD). I was definitely not prepared for the opening sequence. The movie starts off innocently following a boy and girl growing up and eventually marrying. They are shown painting the walls of a nursery. You presume they are pregnant or planning to be pregnant soon.
Then this very brief scene appears:
 |
| (screenshot from the movie) |
Julie & Julia
Both DH and I enjoy this movie. I just watched it for the tenth or so time last weekend. It's the story of two women told simultaneously even though they lived decades apart. Julia Child (the famous cook) is living in France in the late 1940s (married at age 34), and Julie Powell is a 30-year-old wife in modern day NYC who decides to make all of the recipes in Julia Child's cookbook in a year. She starts a blog to document her progress. Both ladies are childless due to IF, but IF is not mentioned in Julie's story at all. (The Julie in real life had PCOS.) There are two scenes in Julia's life which allude to IF without coming out and saying, "We can't have children."
The pictures below are all screenshots of the movie itself.
Scene 1: A walk in the park
Julia and her husband Paul are walking through a park in Paris and enjoying the day. They pass a baby carriage, and Julia turns to look at the baby as it nears. Paul notices that Julia looked at the baby carriage, and when she turns back around to continue walking, Paul kisses her hand and smiles at her. It's so simple and subtle, but I'm sure anyone with IF would recognize how supportive Paul is being and how much it must sting for Julia to see a baby. I wonder if non-IFers would think much of the scene at all.
Scene 2: In the kitchen reading a letter from Julia's sister Dorothy
Julia: Dorothy is pregnant.
Julia: Oh, Paul.
Julia: Isn't that wonderful?
Paul: Yes.
Julia: I'm so happy.
Julia receives a letter from her newly-married sister Dorothy, who is around 33 years old, with the news that Dorothy is pregnant. Julia's reaction is so true to life. She starts crying but says she is happy for her sister. (I cried with her the first time I saw this scene.) Joy and sadness all rolled into one...that's just how pregnancy announcements are (usually) for me.
What are your favorite movies that touch on infertility?
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