The non-milestone

One year ago yesterday it was Good Friday.  I remember it more clearly than usual because that day was a milestone of sorts.  It was the kind of milestone I never wanted to mark.  Had we conceived during our first TTC cycle, the hypothetical baby's due date would have been April 2, Good Friday.  Way back then when we started TTC it was fun to calculate the baby's due date (since IF wasn't even remotely on my radar), so I did just that as soon as I hit the 2WW.  I may or may not have otherwise remembered the due date, but because it landed on Good Friday, it was hard to forget.  I remember thinking how beautifully symbolic it would be to go through the physical pain of labor on the same day that the Church recalls Our Lord's Passion knowing that great joy would soon follow.  But then AF burst that little bubble, and I tried to forget about it.  As cycle after cycle passed, it became a lot less fun to calculate due dates...  But when Good Friday arrived, I did remember the date's significance and decided it was a rather fitting day to mourn such a milestone and our inability to conceive by that point.

I don't remember exactly what the priest said during the homily that afternoon—the general topic was suffering—but I remember feeling like he was talking directly to me.  I suppose when you're in a raw, emotional state, anything a priest says in a homily on Good Friday is going to resonate with you.  At some point he said something about how Christ knows our pain when we go through suffering...and I lost it.  Oh, how I needed to hear those words.  (I still need to hear them today!)  Tears ran down my face, and I did my best to remain silent and suppress the sobs.  As silly as this sounds, I was so thankful to be wearing a black shirt so that the tear stains were not visible...

So when I glanced at the calendar yesterday, I remembered what the date meant to me last year.  I mentioned it to DH, and he was sweet and gave me a long hug.  Now that I think about it more, it does seem like a strange day to remember.  No baby ever existed (a non-baby?), so there could be no due date.  I guess you could call it a non-milestone.  And now that non-baby would be a year old.  As hard as IF is, it probably doesn't help my mental health to focus on dates like this too much.  I try not to dwell on the past but I admit I know exactly how many TTC cycles we've been through... 

I suppose that is the nature of IF—you define it in terms of how long you have tried and failed to conceive.  And along the way you mourn the loss of the child(ren) that never existed.  And you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, that Jesus is right there with you, whether you can feel him or not.  And you offer up the pain knowing it will serve a greater purpose than we can know right now.  And amidst the tears, you dream of the day when your Easter Sunday comes, and you hope that it comes soon.