Babies aren't just dropped on your doorstep

That would be too good to be true, right?  Well, it sort of almost happened to us.

Two days before my lap in November, a dear friend of mine M called.  We aren't in contact often, but it's one of those friendships where once you do talk, it feels like nothing has changed.  We could talk for hours if we didn't have other obligations, husbands, etc.  She has known about our IF from the beginning and has always been very supportive.  We caught up a bit, and then M explained the reason for her call.  One of the young patients she saw in clinic was pregnant and was looking for a couple who would adopt the baby when he/she was born.  The patient asked M directly, "Do you know of any Catholic couples?"  Where they live, it may have been difficult to find a Catholic couple, so the patient knew she would need to be proactive in trying to find one.  I assume most of M's patients know she is Catholic, which is why the patient asked her.

Even though M and I have a mutual friend AB who has all the adoption paperwork completed and has been waiting to be matched with a baby for two years, M thought of DH and me first.  Before she called me, M's husband tried to convince her to call AB instead of us, but M felt DH and I were on her heart for a reason.  [I later remembered that AB was not interested in private adoption and wanted birthmothers referred to AB's adoption agency to view all the available couple profiles, not just theirs.  So it wasn't like we were taking this opportunity from them, directly anyway...]

I asked M for some very general info about the patient and found out she was a college student.  She was in her early second trimester, which put my guard up a bit; from what I've read of others' adoption stories, it seemed rather early in her pregnancy to be choosing adoptive parents.  M told me that the patient herself had been adopted, and since she had a positive experience growing up, she naturally thought of adoption for her unborn baby.

I would have told M while I was on the phone with her that we were interested and that she could give our contact info to the patient, but I knew DH would need time to mull all of this over first.  So I restrained myself and instead of, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I responded with, "Can I get back to you in a few days?"

I got off the phone and tried to squelch all my excitement (a possible baby! in spring!) to calmly tell DH about the call.  Given that I was two days away from surgery, he did not want to discuss anything else until after surgery.  I expected him to say that, so I just asked him to think and pray about this.

During our long drive the night before my surgery, I felt the urge to bring up the topic with DH.  I knew he cannot be pushed into anything, and I had no intention of twisting his arm, but I felt like this was a sort of time-sensitive issue, and I didn't think I'd want (or be able) to talk about serious things in the days after major surgery.  I said a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit and gently broached the topic...

I pointed out that this particular situation eliminated the majority (maybe all?) of the reasons that have prevented us from starting the adoption process.  We had a good talk.  Even though he still had reservations about the situation, he agreed that M could give our contact info to her patient so we could learn more from the patient herself.  (I was jumping up and down inside!  I really didn't think DH would want to take that step yet!)  I e-mailed M from the hotel before I went to bed.  I wrote that if the patient wanted, we could be available to meet in person while traveling after Christmas, as we would be a few hours away while visiting relatives.

Advent came and went.  Then Christmas.  We heard nothing.  By New Year's, we realized there would be no meeting.  I was a little disappointed, but more that we hadn't even had an e-mail yet.  I was getting a little antsy thinking that if this was going to be a possibility, we would need to start working on the paperwork to get approved to adopt.  As January passed, I focused more on my upcoming robotic lap and assumed we probably wouldn't be adopting this baby.

My prayer since learning of M's patient was that God's will be done.  I did tell God that I would be delighted if He wanted this baby to be part of our family, but I tried my best to just put it in His hands and not try to sway Him my way.  ;)  I guess something that IF has taught me is that when you're really attached to a specific prayer request, it is rather painful when the answer to that prayer is "no" (or "not now").  Detachment has been a difficult and at times unwanted lesson for me to learn, but I see the freedom in it now.  So with this situation, I planned to go forward until we hit closed doors, trusting that either way, God's will be done.

Just over a week after my January surgery, M e-mailed and said that the patient decided to parent. My first reaction (surprisingly?) was happiness for the patient and her baby.  The next day at Mass I was hit with a wave of sadness.  I know this was never our baby, so we didn't lose him, but I think to go from some tangible hope that there's a real baby out there who could join our family back to square one was more painful than I expected.  It felt like just another "no" to our desire to have kids.  It didn't help that the hymns at Mass that day mentioned "sorrow" and "grief" (trigger the waterworks). The deacon whom we know a little from various events even asked me if I was okay as we greeted him after Mass.  Just another grieving IFer over here...nothing out of the ordinary...

The sadness I felt has faded, but it's hard not to want to pry the adoption door open again, now that it was open for a brief time.  With DH’s unemployment and related issues, we're not able to start the adoption process even though I have wanted to for a long time.  I had accepted that for the foreseeable future, our only chance to grow our family would be the biological route, which, let’s face it, isn’t going so well.  I had peace knowing it might be years before we could start down the adoption road.  This situation that M shared with us—someone figuratively dropping a baby on our doorstep—was the only way we would be able to adopt at this point.  I’m trying to put those desires on the back burner, but it’s not easy.  Just trying my best to trust God through all of this.  :)