Numbness
I usually feel numb when it comes to others' children. It's a defense mechanism, I presume, so that I can survive in public where other people's children exist. Sometimes it seems the only way I can face babies or children is if I bundle up all the sorrow and heartache of IF and hide it behind a wall of numbness. It's how I make it through Mass if we're sitting behind a family with a baby without falling to pieces in the pew. I sometimes even manage to smile at the baby, but usually I stare with a blank expression and almost marvel at the fact that other people can have babies...so much has to go right in order to conceive that it sometimes boggles my mind at how many people are able to have kids.
When a good friend with several children shared news of her latest pregnancy, my first reaction was numbness, a complete absence of any emotion. I gave an automatic congratulatory response, but I did not (or could not) share in her joy (and jealousy wasn't involved...this time, anyway). I wish I could have mustered up a little happiness inside, but I was pretty much mostly just numb.
Other people have kids. Four pregnancy announcements in two weeks. That's how it goes right now.
One way I've tried to deal with this numbness is to make a point to remind myself that all children are blessings from God and that I should be rejoicing with my friends for this new life, apart from what is going on with our fertility (or lack thereof). Sometimes I'll think, "Thank you, God, for this child." Making that conscious effort does seem to help. Maybe if I think it enough in my head my heart will feel like cooperating at some point...and maybe I need to pray for more grace because I am certainly not capable of making this change on my own.
I should note that I do experience genuine happiness and joy when an IFer becomes pregnant or adopts. So I just need to figure out how to be less restrictive in the happy emotions. :)
Apathy
"I just don't care anymore."
I find myself feeling this from time to time. I try to fight against it and tell myself it's not true and that I do care, but it's tiresome. It's a lie and an easy temptation for me to fall into. Usually the thought comes to mind when I look back at all the medical tests and treatments we've done and how long we've been TTC. It can get overwhelming when looking at everything on our IF journey as a whole. It's common when AF arrives, and it's hard to have hope when what you've tried so far hasn't worked. It really is tempting to say, "Let's just stop all treatments because they're never going to work anyway." When you continue treatments, the fear of disappointment and failure is always there. I know it's always an option to stop treatments, but I don't want the reason for us stopping to be that I don't care anymore. (I want more thought to go into it than just a sense of giving up.) The truth is—and I have to remind myself of this—is that I do care; I care a great deal, and that's why we're doing the best we can to maximize our chances of conceiving right now.
The bad part about apathy is that it doesn't seem to be limited to IF-related things; it has this tendency to creep into my perspective on other things. I'm not sure what the opposing virtue would be, but I think giving purpose to my daily activities ("God, I'm doing this task for you.") helps keep the apathetic feelings away. It is a constant struggle though.
I will say that since recognizing I was slipping into apathy, making an effort to fight against it seems to be working pretty well. It also could be that I’m more prone to apathy when AF arrives because I’m at my emotional low point, and when the black cloud lifts after a couple days, it’s easier to fight against it.
Shame
I am embarrassed when people ask me how long we've been married and then ask if we have kids. I am especially embarrassed when a new non-IF CrMS client asks if we have kids. I am embarrassed when we go to Mass because we've been going to our parish for a while. We stick out because we're one of the only "young" couples, and we don't have kids, and I'm obviously not sporting a baby bump. (I am small so it would be readily apparent. I have seen people sneak a quick look...hello, my face is up here, not at my belly button.) I hate that it appears that we're not open to life or that we're contracepting. Sometimes we get comments from older married people we know at our parish like, "Oh, when you have kids..." or worse "Oh, when you decide to have kids..." and I cringe inside. A while ago I was in a small group who read and studied Humanae Vitae. I remember talking about the concept of being open to life and being open to having a large family, and I felt like (others could easily view me as) a hypocrite because we don't have kids. I didn't feel comfortable sharing that we were IF, and I also didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation about our current childlessness.
I know it doesn't matter what people think. Sometimes I just wish that our witness of being open to life actually portrayed that instead of appearing to be the opposite. And not necessarily for my sake so that I feel better—the world needs more visible witnesses to being open to life, since there seemingly are so few.
I know this is
I saw this phrase on a sign in front of a church a while ago, and it has stuck with me ever since. I wish I would have taken a picture.
Man sees the what
God sees the why
God sees the why
So true, especially for us IFers.
Um, are you in my head? I've been fighting all three of these at such an increased level recently - my post scheduled for tomorrow even touches on this, though not nearly as eloquently.
ReplyDeleteWhile the numbness and embarrassment bother me, it is the apathy that scares me. I, like you, am a positive, cheery person and I am not a fan of apathy. It usually signals that I'm burying something instead of dealing with it.
Oh, and mass! I swear sometimes, well a lot of the times, it is the absolute hardest hour of my week. I've contemplated finding a parish full of older people and bad music just to give myself a reprieve every once in a while. BUT, I love the phrase you quoted - I will be reminding myself of that and I'm grateful you shared it.
I agree with Rebecca, are you in my head???
ReplyDeleteDepending on my mood, and more importantly what day in my cycle I'm at, I can smile at babies, and more often I am also marveling at how other people can procreate.
I don't think that I'm quite at apathy yet, but I know that I can be close. I feel like I'm almost a robot: taking pills, giving myself shots, going for blood work. I am hoping that my Napro doctor has something hopeful to say next week!
Praying for you!
You are so not alone in this!! Me too, me too. I have always been such an optimist, and lately, sometimes I wonder where this negative person comes from.
ReplyDelete"Sometimes I just wish that our witness of being open to life actually portrayed that instead of appearing to be the opposite"... exactly. I really hate this part the most. You're so right, the world needs strong witnesses to the joys of kids - life... big families. And I also wonder, why, when the church needs vocations, that we are denied kids when usually those vocations come from strong and often large families. I know God has his reasons, but that knowledge doesn't make it easier.
Increasingly though, there are more and more couples in my parish that seem to be having problems conceiving. We met another couple right before Easter. It's really sad.
I'm definitely in the 'apathy' stage right now...I'm finding it really hard to snap out of it this time around.
ReplyDeleteWe are one of the only couples our age at church without children. To add to it, I also feel like I'm keeping a secret because no one knows what we've dealt with.
((hugs)). The first two are defense mechanisms I have experienced and the last one... oh it is so painful when you want to be a witness to the world in one way, and a cross prevents it. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the numbness. I hate feeling that way. I love being around children but realizing that we are going on 4 years of trying to build our family becomes too much to bear. Hence, the numbness. Great post. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to every single thing you typed here. You did it more eloquently then I could ever have. Your post wraps all the thoughts that IFers have about those three things perfectly. I pray for us all!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I can totally relate. I often find myself just plain avoiding contact with others who have children. At Easter this year I successfully avoided contact with my husband's cousin and her 2 month old. I don't even know what the baby looks like because I refused to bring my eyes below shoulder height on all people. I strategically moved from room to room as to avoid all contact with the new mom and her infant. I'm not proud of it, but I would say it is my survival mode and perhaps this is your survival mode too. I pray that someday we no longer have to run on survival mode. Thanks again for sharing.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
ReplyDeleteI am a Creighton user and I have a question for you regarding naltrexone. Would it be o.k. to email you or you can email me if you have a chance. Thank you! mcart81@gmail.com
Numbness, I know it well. I too hate appearing like we're selfish and not open to life. So much so that I probably over explain/over share our IF. I care way too much about what other people think and I explain about our IF before they can even think we're delaying the start to our family. I realize it probably makes me look crazy and I should probably curb my explanations a little bit. I wish I was more reserved like you.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most well written, reflections on the emotional battlefield of IF I have ever read.
ReplyDeleteThe numbness, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, and thinking how DO people manage to conceive a child...it is so COMPLICATED (I use to always ALSO think...yet, so COMMON for the human species of 6 Billion, just not COMMON for MEEEEE!!!!)
As to the third...AGONY, too.
I think of the line from the Beatitudes...Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
(Matthew 5:10)
This is the battlefield that you are on.
And, I know this one well as we were the STRANGE "contracepting couple" for 10 years--meanwhile we are the only couple I know who practiced NFP from day 1 and both READ Janet Smith's Contraception Why Not on a date!!!!!
The apathy part, however, was not my coping mechanism.
Instead, I became a rage a holic and literally screamed and hollered my way through IF doctor visits, tests, treatments, and visits.
I shudder thinking back on all the occassions where I was so obnoxious and demanding and over the top rude that I likely hurt many, many people's feelings.
But, the sweaky wheel gets the grease. And, unfortunately, I truly believe had I not squealed so loudly, my cries and please and demands COULD have fallen on not so much deaf but busy ears.
So, I really don't know if this helps, but get angry if you have to!
It's better than apathy/depression.
I can be angry for you if you prefer.
What I am trying to say is...stay in the fight with all your might.
And, know that I am praying my heart out for you!
Your vitamin D level is low?
This is BIG. This is one of the first autoimmune red flag signs that pops up.
Praying for you right now.
Thank you for sharing your emotions! This is all so true! There are several young couples at Dh's workplace that I know are "waiting" and I don't like that we appear to be doing the same thing. I want to shout, we are not like you! We are trying to have kids but we can't!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes numbness comes naturally and I am able to handle things. More often than not though, I fail at trying numbness and my emotions come through anyway. I'll be praying for you!
All of these emotions are so true. I distinctly remember each one from those years of IF. Praying for you and your emotions during this continued hard time.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I've found them carrying over from IF to pregnancy....numb because I don't want to fall too in love with this precious life in case it's taken from me in the womb again, apathy/just going through the emotions and making it through another day to cope, shame when I walk into the OB's office and see un-pregnant women there and wondering if they are suffering from IF and seeing me makes it hard for them. Emotions are all a part of our human existence.
Beautifully, wonderfully written! Each of the emotions you describe is exactly how I feel at times, too. I've most often felt the shame more than apathy or numbness.
ReplyDelete