Surviving holidays

This might be a bit surprising, but I've never spent a holiday family gathering with either a pregnant woman or a baby since we started TTC more than five years ago.  My parents are not grandparents, and my youngest cousin is in grade school.  Thanksgiving and Christmas have been essentially safe spaces for an IFer.  No family member has ever asked us about when we are going to have kids (and we have not shared with family that we are IF), so we haven't even had to attempt an awkward conversation about it.  Last year on Christmas, DH was reading in the living room, and nearby two of my aunts were saying that my grandma needed more babies around.  DH made a beeline to the kitchen to "get something to drink" to avoid getting pulled into the conversation.  I know we've had it easy compared to stories I've heard from other IFers.

All that will change this Christmas.  There will be two infants at our extended family celebration on Christmas Day.  Two of my cousins who married in the last few years recently had a baby.  One of my aunts will likely be sharing her excitement with everyone, as any new grandma would.  During the afternoon people gather in the kitchen or living room, and I really just want to hide in the room where the babies are not (the living room) and avoid them, but I kind of expect that aunt to personally introduce the baby to everyone.  (The other aunt has other grandchildren so maybe her excitement won't be as fresh?)  Is it bad to hope that both babies will be sleeping the whole afternoon?  It's only about five hours that the cousins with babies will be around on Christmas Day, based on previous years, so at least it's a limited time.  I can't spend much time in the bathroom as there are only two bathrooms for 40+ people.  ;)  I'll be in the middle of my post-peak phase, so all bets are off how my mood will be.  Just thinking about being around babies is making me cry right now, so I'm not super optimistic I'll be able to hold it together in three days.  There's nowhere to escape as we'll be in a rural area, and the nearest city is a half hour away.  I suppose I could go for a walk outside in my nice dress and big winter boots if it got too hard to handle...  I know I can't just avoid them forever though.

I'm also not looking forward to comments about having babies, especially if they're thrown in my direction.  I'm hoping it just doesn't come up.  :)  I had asked for advice on what to say to the question, "Where are you going to have kids?" in an older blog post.  The advice in the comments ranged from sharing about IF to saying "I don't know" and changing the topic or walking away.  I'm leaning toward saying: "I don't know.  I'm going to get some more water."

If you have any advice on how to get through Christmas gatherings with babies around or how you handle relatives' comments and questions related to having kids or IF, please share in the comments.  :)

I keep all you of in my prayers always, but most especially this week.  If I end up having a difficult day on Christmas, I will be offering it up for you.

Surgery recap and recovery

This is rather long.  Read what interests you, and skip the rest.  I mostly wrote it out as a record for myself.

Day of Surgery

hospital socks

Friday morning (Nov. 21) I was supposed to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.  I showered with a special soap that morning (and the night before).  After we filled in the paperwork at check-in, I headed over to the chapel to spend a few minutes with Jesus in the tabernacle.  I love Catholic hospitals.  :)

When the nurse took me back, before putting on the hospital gown, I had to use large wipes on my entire body.  The wipes were supposed to leave a film on my skin that would help prevent infection during and after surgery.  I think she said it was protective up to 24 hours after surgery?  It was new since my previous surgery at this same hospital.  I also put on the fashionable hospital socks that have no heel and are the same on both sides so you can't put them on upside down.

In the past, my biggest worry the morning of surgery was the IV, but this time I didn't even blink when the nurse inserted it.  I guess years of blood draws and some awesome prayer warriors can help a girl get over her fear of IVs (and needles in general).

my view in bed all prepped for surgery

This time they put what I call "water wings" on my calves while I was still conscious. They're supposed to help prevent blood clots by sporadically inflating to squeeze my legs.  After I was all tucked in bed, the nurse turned on the warm air to inflate my gown and keep me comfortable (and to keep my body temperature up which improves recovery after surgery).

When the anesthesiologist came in, I mentioned that I had nausea and vomiting after both previous surgeries.  He said he read that in my file and would be giving me a patch to prevent that.  I was definitely looking forward to no vomiting.  :)  Later the nurse anesthetist came to give me the patch. She stuck it behind my ear and said I could keep it on for up to three days.  She warned me not to touch it, but if I did, I would have to immediately wash my hands.  I guess if you touch it and then rub your eyes, it will dilate your eyes and give you a headache.  She gave me a rubber glove to use to remove it at home.

Around 7:20 a.m. Dr. E arrived with a third year med student who was accompanying her for the day. It was the student's first day on her ob/gyn rotation, so she was just going to be observing, not assisting.  I gathered that Dr. E hadn't had a chance to explain much about her training or NaPro, so I decided to fill the med student in a bit.  Just a bit.  :)  I told her that many of Dr. E's patients travel long distances because she has done a special fellowship in surgical techniques for endo and that she's 1 of only 14 in the country (not including Dr. Hilgers himself) to have that kind of training.  I think I might have slightly embarrassed Dr. E, but I wanted the med student to know ahead of time that she was going to be observing a highly-trained surgeon.  The med student seemed intrigued.

Dr. E then prayed over me which I loved.  I noticed at the end of the prayer the med student made the sign of the cross when Dr. E did, so maybe she'll be even more interested in NaPro because she's Catholic...  Hopefully Dr. E was able to plant more seeds as she spent time with her...  :)

Dr. E promised to tape a rosary to my hand before surgery started.  She said she had a bunch that were blessed by Pope Francis.  My last surgery I had one that was blessed by Pope Benedict.

rosary blessed by Pope Francis

Just after 7:30 a.m. the nurses came back to wheel my bed to the OR.  I was awake long enough to see the inside of the OR briefly before the anesthesia kicked in.

My surgery lasted about an hour.  I don't know what time I woke up from anesthesia, but when I did I was in a large room with curtains around each bed and a rosary wrapped around my hand.  I wasn't nauseous at all.  :)  I asked the nurse standing next to my bed for water, but she said that would make me nauseous so she brought me apple juice instead in a cup with a straw.

Dr. E stopped by to explain what she found during surgery.  I tried really hard to concentrate on what she was saying because it was unlikely I would remember anything based on previous post-surgery talks with the surgeon.  I remember her saying that I had stage I (nearly stage II) endo and that perhaps Dr. K (at PPVI) would want to do the next surgery.  Somehow I was coherent enough to reply that my insurance didn't cover the hospital in Omaha.  She said she would at least consult Dr. K before doing my next surgery.  What is not clear in my memory is if she said it would be robotic "with the possibility of opening you up." (meaning a full laparotomy)  I really hope I am remembering that part completely wrong.  A laparotomy would be a six-week recovery versus the robotic laparoscopy's two-week recovery.  She also said that she could tell I had ovulated prior to surgery by looking at my ovary.  Surgery was on P+1.  She did cultures of my endometrium and cervix, but I won't have those results for a while.

Dr. E spoke with DH separately and gave him pictures of my insides.  As she explained them to him, she labeled some of them.  I had endo near where my rectum meets the colon, and that would be the tricky spot to remove.  I had another spot of endo near my cervix.  There is some scarring on one ovary, but I don't know if that's endo.  There was another questionable spot that might be endo or could be something else.  All of the endo is in new spots.  Why, oh why does my body regrow new endo so easily?  :(  It's been 21 months since my last surgery.

The nurse anesthetist stopped by briefly to ask if I was nauseous.  I said no.  She smiled and said she has a 100% nausea-free streak with the patch on her patients.  I'm glad to have kept her streak alive.  I ended up keeping the anti-nausea patch on for a day and a half.  I'm definitely asking for it next time.  :)

So there I am lying in bed sipping my apple juice and feeling pretty good.  The next thing I know the nurse says it's time to get me dressed.  I was really surprised (since I hadn't urinated yet...that was the ticket out of there in my first surgery) but I didn't mind.  I got some granny-style hospital underwear (so comfortable!) and two large pads.  Why two?  I don't know.  I didn't discover the second one until later in the day when it fell out in a rest stop restroom...  At that point I was thankful the first one was still in place.  :)

Shortly after getting dressed, the nurse moved me to a chair next to the bed.  DH came into my curtained room and got some last minute directions from the nurse.  Another nurse brought a wheelchair and wheeled me to the hospital entrance.  It was about 10:30 a.m.

We drove to a pharmacy near the hospital to pick up my two prescriptions for pain meds.  I learned that Dr. E doesn't call in pain meds, so we had to walk in with the prescription in hand (well, DH walked in) and wait until it was filled.  Thankfully it only took about 10 minutes, unlike my previous two post-surgery experiences where it took an hour or more.

I had a small pillow in the car to put between me and the seat belt to cushion bumps in the road.  I reclined the seat a bit because that was more comfortable than sitting straight up.  I ate a few snacks, which tasted so good after the previous day's clear liquid diet of chicken broth and apple juice.  :)

At home, DH made me chicken noodle soup, my comfort food of choice.  I set alarms in my phone to take the pain pills on a schedule (hydrocodone/acetaminophen aka "the good stuff" and ibuprofen) and then napped until dinner.

Day after surgery

Early the next morning, I awoke after a poor night of sleep thinking I'd spend the day watching movies and napping.  As DH was helping me out of bed, he stopped and sat on the side of the bed.  He was having terrible abdominal pain on his right side.  He never has pain like that.  After a few minutes it subsided.  He took a quick shower in case in came back, and it did.  I was worried about appendicitis.  He normally avoids going to the doctor, but he said he needed to go to the ER. I knew that meant it was bad.  If he didn't volunteer to go, I would have forced him in my I-can't-get-out-of-bed-by-myself state.  Don't mess with a girl who just had surgery.  ;)

I did spend my day watching movies and napping at home as I had expected...but also e-mailing back and forth with DH who was lying in a bed in the ER.  It turned out to be a kidney stone. Thank God it wasn't more serious.  He came home in very little pain.  He had no pain when he passed the stone.  A little tiny thing sure caused a big problem...

Rest of recovery

The next morning I felt decent enough to make a public appearance, so I went to Sunday Mass with DH.  I took both pain meds beforehand so I was happily drugged up.  I couldn't genuflect, but everything else was fine.  Afterward I was exhausted.  You don't realize how much up and down there is (sit, stand, sit, stand, etc.) until it's hard to stand up on your own.  Mass on Thanksgiving was better (no pain meds), but I still felt like I had competed in the Olympics afterward (i.e., was wiped out).

I took my pain meds on the prescribed schedule for the first four days, and then I started to wait and see how I was feeling before taking something.  On Wednesday, I only took one pain pill.  I took my last one on Friday, a week after surgery.  Since then, I have been using the heating pad for random pain flares, and it works well.

I learned a new post-surgery trick the hard way.  After surgery, I had no other choice than to sleep on my back.  I normally sleep on my stomach or my side.  By the third night after surgery, I could lie on my side a little.  One night while sleeping I rolled onto my stomach and woke up in the morning in a lot of pain.  Not fun.  To prevent it from happening the following night, I slept on my side and hugged a large pillow.  It kept me from rolling onto my stomach.  I still sleep with the extra pillow because I don't think I'm ready to sleep on my stomach.

Something else new I realized this time around is that a straw is a really useful thing to have, especially during the part of recovery where it's difficult to sit up when you're lying down.  If you have a bendy straw in your cup or water bottle, you don't have to sit up to drink.  It will come in handy more when I have my next surgery.

I experienced a new and unpleasant symptom during this recovery that I didn't have after my previous surgeries.  Involuntary, quick deep breaths started about four days after my lap.  At that point, taking a deep breath was not really enjoyable because it increased the pressure on my incisions, but it was possible if I did it slowly.  I know most breathing is involuntary, but this was strange because they were little gasps for air when I thought I was breathing just fine.  They would happen quickly like hiccups and last a second or less, but they didn't happen as often as hiccups. Oh, did they hurt.  :(  Dr. Google told me it was common after abdominal surgeries.  They lasted 4 or 5 days, but became gradually less painful because my abdomen could tolerate the pressure better.

About the same time the weird hiccup breaths began, I started sneezing quite a bit, which hurt more than a deep breath.  I should have read the discharge directions that said I should hug a pillow tightly against my stomach whenever I had to cough or sneeze to minimize the pain.  Next time I'll have a pillow ready.  :)

Even though I had been told you can expect to go back to work within a few days of a lap, I was happy that I took the week off through Thanksgiving.  Being able to nap whenever I wanted was really nice.

I ended up spotting for eight days after surgery.  My urge to urinate disappeared for two or three days after surgery, so I had to remember to go to the bathroom those days.  I was very happy when it returned.  I guess you don't appreciate things so much until they're gone.  ;)

My incisions still ache a bit on and off.  Sneezing is still a bit painful.  I can bend forward most of the way without pain and pick up things from the floor.  I probably could drive (the prospect of slamming on the brake doesn't scare me like it did last week), but I've preferred not to drive since DH can.  I've been really grateful that this surgery's recovery is so much easier and quicker than the robotic lap.

I haven't heard back from Dr. E yet about scheduling my next surgery.  I assume she's going to consult with Dr. K first to better plan the surgery.  It will be January at the earliest.  I have a post-op appointment in two weeks.  I don't know if it will be in person or virtual (phone or Skype).

Here's a little summary of what I've learned:

What to bring to the hospital when you have surgery

• yoga pants or any clothing that isn't snug at the waist
• underwear that sits either really high (granny-style) or really low
• pads
• all prescription medications in their original containers
• small pillow to put between you and the seatbelt
• large pillow to make napping in the car more comfortable
• plastic bags or bucket for car in case of vomiting (if you don't get the anti-nausea meds)
• food for the ride home

Nice things to have at home during recovery

• straw for drinking when lying down
• large pillow to hug during sneezing/coughing and sleeping (to prevent rolling onto stomach)
• heating pad

St. Andrew novena

I just wanted to post a reminder that the St. Andrew novena starts today, the feast of St. Andrew.  The prayer to the right is prayed 15 times each day from November 30 through Christmas.  DH and I usually pray all 15 prayers right before bed during our normal prayer time.  I've found it to be a nice way to quiet my mind and really reflect on the birth of Christ as we prepare to celebrate Christmas.  Even though it's a short prayer, I find myself focusing on a different phrase each day (like "in piercing cold"), which helps me imagine what it would have been like to be there.  I thought the timing this year is perfect because it's also the beginning of Advent, so we'll be praying by candlelight (from the Advent wreath).

DH and I have prayed the St. Andrew novena for the past few years.  I know some IFers have conceived after praying it, and I still pray that it might happen for us and others who are still waiting, but even if we don't conceive, it has become one of my favorite prayers and a family tradition.  (Family=DH+me)  :)

Two years ago I made a chaplet with 15 beads so I wouldn't have to count while we prayed.  If you'd like to make one, it's pretty easy to do.  I have no prior jewelry making experience...just taught myself from an online tutorial.  And the supplies aren't too expensive.

Happy Advent!

Surgery's done

Dr. E found stage I endo in a few spots, and at least one of them is in a tricky place to reach, so I'll need another bigger surgery with the robot to remove it.  There were no new fibroids.  She also did endometrial cultures.  We're heading home shortly, and I'm looking forward to a nice long nap.  I'm offering up the pain for all of you.

Surgery tomorrow

My laparoscopy to (hopefully) remove endo is first thing tomorrow morning.  We have to be at the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m.  I'm thankful that I'm not feeling nervous yet.  I received the Anointing of the Sick last weekend at the retreat, so I'm sure that has been helping me stay calm.

Somehow I lucked out and don't have to do a bowel prep today.  (I'm glad you can only throw virtual tomatoes at me right now...)  I'm offering up my day today on a clear liquid diet for all of you.  :)

DH will post an update here tomorrow when I'm out of surgery.

There's a hole in my soul

The retreat center.  St. John XXIII, pray for us!

The IF retreat that Rebecca organized was this past weekend.  It was just what I needed. I've been having a pretty rough past month or so, and the retreat was able to put a lot into perspective.  More people attended than last year, and something about seeing all of them in one room together was healing in itself.  In real life, I've only ever been in the same room as a handful of other IF ladies.  Having a whole room full of others carrying the same cross was a huge reminder that I am not alone.  It really hit home when one of the presenters (who was infertile) asked everyone whose life had been impacted by infertility to raise his/her hand; everyone's hand went up.  That visual alone was powerful.  Being able to see their reactions (i.e., tears) during the presentations was reassuring that I'm not just being too sensitive when I feel the pain of IF.  The pain is real and profound and even though everyone has a slightly different perspective, it is very much a shared experience.

very comfortable room where I did not spend much time

The presentations were excellent, but like last year, I got the most out of talking to the other retreatants.  It's rare to have time for fellowship with others who can relate to what I'm going through.  The IF blogs and the IF Fac.ebook group are great, but it's just so nice to sit and chat with people in person (says the shy phlegmatic).  Not having to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine with people I just met was rather refreshing.  Several of us stayed up rather late talking.  I figured I could sleep when I got home.  :)

One priest gave us a blessing with
a relic of Sts. Joachim and Anne.

While the retreat did shine a big spotlight on the pain of IF, it also encouraged me to try to move beyond the pain.  Often, when you're sitting at home on CD1, for example, the sadness is so great that all you do is turn inward.  That is the big problem with pain of any kind.  When your focus is only on yourself and what is making you miserable, it's harder to attempt to see the bigger picture of what God might want for you or your life.  The priests who attended the retreat struck a good balance between acknowledging the suffering of IF and challenging us to accept this cross and discern how to move forward in the circumstances we find ourselves.  They also reminded us that if we pray for very specific things, we run the risk of expecting God's will to match our will, a lesson that has been hard for me to learn over the past few years.

The retreat did help me to have an epiphany of sorts.  For a long time, I have had a question swimming around in my head that I could not answer.  I had studied St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body (beginner level) before I met DH.  It definitely deepened my desire for children.  There is so much more to TOB than having children, but that's a practical part of what I took away from it.  Since we started experiencing IF, I could never really mesh TOB with IF.  Granted, it has been a long time since I delved into the specifics of TOB, it kind of bothered me that I couldn't answer this question:  In light of TOB, how do you view IF?  No answer anyone gave me satisfied me, including my stab at an answer (that IF is a tragedy).

Here's my train of thought as a non-theologian:  The Trinity is a communion of persons.  God loves the Son, and the love between them is so powerful that it becomes a third person, the Holy Spirit. Marriage images the Trinity.  But if the marriage experiences IF, there is no third person.  According to that analogy I described, marriage with IF seems to not image the Trinity, at least in the physical sense, and that's why I came to the conclusion that IF is a tragedy.  I realize all analogies of the Trinity fall short in some way, but it doesn't feel so good to think of your marriage as some broken image of the Trinity.

But finally I think I have an answer that satisfies me:  The main way marriage images the Trinity is in the self-gift of the spouses.  Yes, in the majority of marriages that self-gift results in (biological) children.  But focusing on the presence (or absence in our case) of children as the main sign misses the foundation of self-gift that all marriages are built on.  I might be the only person that was hung up on this, but I'm really glad going to the retreat was able to shed light on this.

One of the presenting couples played the song below for us.  While it's not about IF. there were two parts of the song that really hit me.

"There's a hole in my soul. I can't fill it. I can't fill it.
There's a hole in my soul. Can you fill it? Can you fill it?"

For a long time, there has been a child-sized hole in my soul.  It's still there, but I'm slowly learning to fill it with God and all the other blessings in my life.  It's definitely a work in progress.  :)

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground."

This describes DH and me in regard to emotions about IF.  I don't hide what I'm feeling, and he is more likely to keep his hidden inside.  I think going through IF is helping both of us understand the other better in this area.

"Flaws" by Bastille

I've been listening to it almost non-stop since the weekend.  Such a good song.  :)

There will be the same IF retreat in Omaha in March.  I highly recommend going if you're in the area...or even if you're not.  Quite a few of the retreatants from this past weekend drove five or six or more hours in order to attend, and I'm guessing they would all say it was worth the drive.  :)

If you test, she will come

I had heard of this phenomenon that if you (an IFer) take a home pregnancy test (HPT), AF will arrive shortly after.  I can say now that it happened to me.

I took my first ever HPT a cycle ago.  In over five years of TTC, I had never made it long enough to test.  I broke my rule of waiting until P+17 this time because it was a crazy cycle, and I needed to rule out things. I was pretty sick during the "fertile" time of the cycle and had pathetic mucus, so all signs pointed toward a double peak (assuming ovulation had not actually happened yet).  I've been charting for a looooong time and have never double peaked even amid significant stress, but there's a first time for everything.  :)  So I waited for the second mucus build up to start and did not take my HCG, which I normally take after peak day.

Ten days after the first peak, I had good mucus for two days.  I thought it was my second peak. That was followed by spotting...which didn't make any sense.  Another interpretation could have been that I did ovulate during the first peak, and this second patch of mucus was implantation mucus.  We had used P+2, so it was a possibility.  When the spotting continued for the third day, I was scratching my head.  I needed to rule out something.  Anything.  Taking my temperature wouldn't have helped at that point because I was post-peak regardless (either P+3 or P+14).  So I did the only other thing that I could think of that might shed some light on things—take a HPT.  DH came along to the store for moral support.  I found one of the $0.88 ones that I had heard about from NFP circles.

The before picture.  Prior to opening the box, I didn't even know
what the test would look like.  This was foreign territory.

I read the directions about twenty times because I didn't want to mess it up.  I was nervous, even though I was 99% sure it would be negative.  It was.

My first ever real BFN.

AF started the next day.  What a messed up cycle.  Dr. K thought the two days of good mucus post-peak was just premenstrual mucus/fluid that some women have.  I didn't know you could all of a sudden develop premenstrual mucus, but I guess you can...?

In that same cycle review, I mentioned that I have pain again during my period.  Boo.  :(  I've had a couple cycles lately with premenstrual spotting (three or more days of spotting before AF), and Dr. K had thought that was due to inflammation because my hormone levels were above normal. Does pain + inflammation = endo??

Well, we're going to find out.  In a week.  It all came together really quickly.

Next Friday, I'm having a laparoscopy with Dr. E, who did my last surgery 21 months ago.  Surgery #3.  Honestly, I hope it IS endo and that it can be cleaned out with just a regular laparoscopy.  Last time Dr. E had the option to switch to the robot during my surgery if she needed it (and she did). This time there will be no switching, so if there is too much endo or it's too hard to reach, I'll need a second bigger surgery with the robot (and a two week recovery).  If this is endo again, I must have some crazy aggressive form that it keeps coming back.  :(

I really don't expect this surgery to help us get pregnant.  DH is more optimistic.  I feel like we're fighting an uphill, losing battle against endo and infection/inflammation.  It seems like we can never fix both at the same time. The infection/inflammation had been taken care of for several months, but who knows if I had endo sneakily growing back during that time.  And now if we remove the endo again, I don't know that the antibiotic that used to work will still be strong enough to beat the TEBB.  Dr. E will be doing cultures of my uterus during my surgery, so we'll see what the bug status is in there.  I hope I haven't picked up any new bacteria like last time I was cultured.  :(

I'm disappointed to be having surgery again.  Being pain-free would be really nice.  Maybe the third time's the charm and this will keep the endo away longer?  A girl can dream...  :)

Tomorrow I'm headed to the IF retreat Rebecca is running this weekend, so hopefully that will take my mind off of surgery.  I'm looking forward to some IRL conversations with other IFers.  :)

I almost wish I would have tested

Does IF ever make you feel like you want to crawl in bed, bury your head under your pillow, and not come out?  That's kind of how I've been feeling lately, hence the lack of posting around here.  Maybe it's an introvert thing or an attempt to hide from my problems.

DH had ample opportunity to think
this while I was PMSing...

A few weeks ago I wrote about the previous cycle where I experienced some unique symptoms in the 2WW which had me convinced I was pregnant when in fact I was not.   So I vowed the next cycle I would try to ignore everything in the 2WW until I hit P+17, the day I could theoretically take a pregnancy test (via blood test).  When that next 2WW arrived, my plan was going well because I didn't have anything that mimicked pregnancy symptoms.  Great.  :)  I did however have some of the worst PMS DH has ever seen, the kind which includes the Mrs. Hyde-esque if-you-disagree-with-polkadot-you're-wrong-so-prepare-to-face-her-hormonal-wrath" attitude. Why?  I only had enough HCG for one day's shot, which I took on P+4. I tried to order my refill three weeks before I needed it, but the pharmacy said it was on back order. They didn't call me to say they had a new supply in until P+13, but by then it was too late. I survived (and so did DH) but it wasn't pretty.

So there were no fake pregnancy symptoms.  Then I had brown spotting on P+12, and it lasted five days.  That was new for me.  I have never ever had that many days of spotting before AF, and I have only had a 16-day post-peak phase twice since starting TTC five years ago.  So where does my mind go?  That I must be pregnant. Or (far more likely) my progesterone is close to zero since I didn't take all my HCG.  I tried really hard to assume it was low progesterone.  As it turns out, it was neither, but that's a story for another paragraph.

Since my doctor was not going to be available on P+17, I thought I should ask for the necessary blood draw requisition form ahead of time.  I had the e-mail to Dr. K's nurse all typed up right before bedtime on P+15 (figuring they would send it on P+16 so I'd have it ready for P+17).  I hovered my mouse over the "send" button, but didn't click.  I had this feeling like it was a waste.  I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf and got their hopes up.  I closed the e-mail and left it in my drafts folder.  (It has since been deleted.)

On what would have been P+17, AF showed up for real.  It was definitely AF because it was moderate flow. The next two days I had light flow, and it tapered off from there.  I've never ever had that light of a period before. Usually I have at least two moderate or heavy days, not one.  I thought it was strange but was just planning to move on until I was doing a little light Fac.ebook reading.   One girl commented that her NaPro doctor considered early miscarriage to be a possibility whenever AF is unusual in any way for a couple TTC.  She also mentioned having a post-peak phase even just one day longer than usual adds to the suspicion.

Both of those were true for me...

I lost it. The tears were instantaneous.  The thought that I had possibly conceived and miscarried was totally overwhelming.  In the moment, I prayed something like, "Baby, if you exist in heaven, pray for me."  Of course it can never be proven one way or another so I won't know this side of heaven.  At that moment I started wishing I had taken a home pregnancy test.   I admit, the thought did cross my mind by the fourth day of spotting (P+15).  I figured that the HCG from P+4 would have been out of my system by then, so it actually may have been accurate (and not a false positive caused by the HCG injection).  If I'm being honest though, I'm not sure I would have truly believed whatever the result of the home pregnancy test would have been (either way), so maybe it's better that I didn't test.  Until proven otherwise, I go forward assuming that I have never conceived.

I thought Dr. K's cycle review might shed some light on things. It was definitely not what I expected.  My P+7 estradiol and progesterone values were above normal like they've been since eliminating the TEBB months ago.  In fact, my estradiol was higher than last cycle when I took all of my HCG on schedule.  I was scratching my head because I only took one dose of HCG this cycle and I had five days of premenstrual spotting.  But there was no way my progesterone could have gone from above 50 (normal P+7 is >13) to under 10 in just a few days (to cause the premenstrual spotting).  Dr. K's thought was that the premenstrual spotting was due to inflammation and is having me increase the turmeric from 2 times a day to 3 times a day.  I have never heard that premenstrual spotting could be caused by inflammation, but I guess you learn something new everyday in the NaPro world.

Dr. K also wants to repeat a semen analysis with culture.  That came as a shock and a disappointment.  I guess it has been 14 months since we did the culture that identified the bug we've been fighting since then.  I wonder if she thinks we have a new bug?  DH's sperm counts have always been normal.  I knew DH would not be thrilled to hear this, and he wasn't.  Last year's drama requiring two attempts just to get the culture done was no fun.  I decided to let his reaction guide what we would do next.  If he was not willing to repeat the test, we wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't ask again.  He was upset when I told him about it, but he didn't refuse it outright.  Perhaps part of that reason is that there is no lab within 60 minutes from here that is capable of doing a semen culture (and I don't even know if the nearest big city an hour away has a lab that could do it); the lab that successfully did the culture last year is in the city where my parents live, a plane ride away.  We're not visiting them again until Christmas, so that is the earliest we could do the test, giving DH some time to consider it.  He seems willing, which surprises me a bit, since we'd have to do the collection at my parents' house again.  We'll see how he feels as Christmas gets closer.

Given what happened this new cycle, I think the culture could prove to be very informative.  My TEBB returned.  Four days of it.  :(  (Dr. K doesn't know this yet.)  In the cycle review about a month ago, I had asked if we could take a break from the antibiotics that DH and I have been on the first 10 days of each cycle to see if it was the turmeric (and lemon water) that was responsible for eliminating the TEBB.  Dr. K was out of the office, so one of the fellows responded and said it was fine to skip a month.  Because I don't get the results of the cycle review until after CD1, I couldn't implement this until a month later (this cycle).  So we didn't take the antibiotics this cycle, and the TEBB returned.

I'm wondering if this is some sort of coincidence that the lack of antibiotics has nothing to do with TEBB's reappearance.  The first month we took the antibiotics:  no TEBB.  The second and subsequent months:  TEBB increased little by little.  When we added the turmeric (and lemon water and bromocriptine, if I'm listing everything) to the antibiotics:  no TEBB for five cycles.  Now turmeric et al. without antibiotics:  TEBB in full force.  The math just doesn't make sense, so I wonder if the TEBB was going to return this cycle regardless of antibiotic use...OR there's some synergistic effect going on that the antibiotics work together with turmeric et al. to prevent TEBB.  I'm really curious what is going to happen next cycle (and clearly there will be a "next cycle" because I have some raging infection/inflammation going on) when we add back the antibiotics.

There's never a dull day around here.  :P

Prayers about IF, miscarriage, and pregnancy

A friend of mind showed me this prayer book (more like a little booklet) that she had.  She thought I would appreciate the prayer about infertility.  When I paged through the book, I found several prayers that others might be interested in.  They might not appeal to everyone though.

-Prayer to Conceive
-Prayer after a Miscarriage
-Prayer at the Death of a Child
-Prayer to a Child in Heaven
-Miscarriage Prayer (Mother Angelica)

There were two about pregnancy that could also be for those anticipating adoption.  I didn't include them in this post, but if you click on the two titles, it will take you to a separate page with the full text of the prayers.
-Prayer for an Unborn Child
-Thanksgiving for Conceiving

This one has been floating around online. I don't know
who wrote it, but I gave it a pretty background. :)

Prayer to Conceive

Dear Mother Mary, you received from God the treasured blessing of divine motherhood.  In the name of the joys you knew when you pressed your beloved Baby to your breast, please hear and bless my petition!  You are the Mother of Mothers and you hold Motherhood very dear.  You know the great and real dignity of motherhood.  You know the great privilege of bringing into this world a new soul destined to praise God forever in heaven.  Dear Mother, I ask that through your intercession God would grant to me and my husband the grace to conceive a child.

Heavenly Father, for You all things are possible.  In Your Word You tell us: "Children too are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, His reward." -Psalm 127:3

O Father, I trust in You and in Your unconditional love for us.  I believe that You will hear my prayer, offered through the intercession of your Mother Mary.  I believe that you You will answer me according to Your Divine Will, for You have promised to give us the desires of our heart as we delight in You.  O Lord, increase in us always the presence and power of Your Divine Life.  Thank You for Your mercy, grace, peace, and provision.  In Jesus's name.  Amen.

Mother of mothers, pray for us!


Prayer after a Miscarriage

Dear Mother Mary, I come before you today with a heavy heart.  I have lost the beautiful child from within my womb, the child God gave me.  I do not want to accept this, yet I bring my sorrow to you, O Mother of Sorrows, because you understand.  I am filled with a deep sadness, O Mary, and I cry sometimes silently for this my beloved little one, now with you.  O Mary, I feel so alone, although my family and friends do their best to comfort me.  Still, I trust God, even when I don't understand.

O heavenly Father, You know what is best for us always.  Perhaps my child would have suffered greatly in life, or wasn't ready yet to come into the world.  I ask you, dear God, to please send Your mercy on all parents who are experiencing the loss and pain of a miscarriage and console them with the sure certainty that they will see their little treasure again.

I admit I feel some fear for the future, an apprehension that this could happen again.  Nevertheless, O Lord, I put my trust in You.  You are the God who heals me; You are the Good Shepherd who will neither leave me nor forsake me, so I am at peace.  Please kiss my little angel, and tell my child I yearn for the day we will be together again, with You, in the Kingdom of heaven.

O Lord, grant my husband and me the grace according to Your Will to conceive again.  Help us continue to make our home a welcoming place for all life.

Jesus, Comforter of all who mourn, we put our trust in You.  Amen.


Prayer at the Death of a Child

O most sorrowful Mother, my child is gone, and what can I say?  I feel so lonely, so sad; I miss my child so very much.  O dear Mother, I just want to run into your arms and your consoling embrace.  I need the comfort of your sorrowful heart.  I have lost my child, the light of my eyes, just as you lost your Son, Jesus, when He died on the cross for us.

O Mary, I don't understand why God has allowed this sorrow to come into my life.  However, I trust Him as my loving Father Who knows what is best for me.  O Mother Mary, help me put all my trust in Him.  Please take my child now under your mantle, and hold him/her close to your heart.  Please pray that God will give my family and me His grace and strength to carry on.  May I, like you, O Mother, be faithful to the end.  Amen.


Prayer to a Child in Heaven

My dear (name), you are no longer with us here on earth.  I miss you very much, and I long to see you.  Still, my faith tells me you are now with Jesus, Mother Mary, St. Joseph, and all the angels and saints.  It is hard for me understand why you were taken from my arms, but you can never be taken from my heart.  I love you and I will love you forever, until time is no more.

I find a certain peace in knowing I had a part in bringing you this great joy, the joy of heaven.  I also find strength in my hope to be someday reunited with you, never to be parted again.  Please pray for me, my dear child, that I may be faithful to my duties here below and thereby come to hold you again in my waiting arms in heaven.  Amen.

From Mothers' Manual by Bart Tesoriero

Miscarriage Prayer by Mother M. Angelica  (source)

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

I went there

Last cycle I went there.

I entertained thoughts that I really, really might be pregnant.

Normally I don't do this.  I realized whenever I'd enter into this quasi daydream of, "Oh, this could be the month!  Maybe this breast tenderness means there's a baby growing!" I found that it really didn't help my sanity and often made things worse, especially when CD1 inevitably came.  The anxiety it caused plus the mind games when I would get to peak+13/14/15 were enough to make me go crazy.  ("Am I pregnant?  No, I can't be.  Oh, but AF hasn't arrived so it's possible..."  Ad nauseam.  Pun intended.  haha)

I've posted this picture before...

Believe me, I know how tempting it is to analyze every little post-peak symptom and google them until I assume that I have to be pregnant because there is no other explanation.  But I decided a long time ago I would stop paying attention to post-peak symptoms—especially breast tenderness because I have that practically every cycle—unless I reach peak+17 because I just don't need all that drama.  I think it's saved a lot of mental anguish.  :)  In that respect, I daresay my usual 2WW is almost peaceful.  (Almost.)  ;)

So, why, you may ask, did I have myself practically convinced that I was pregnant last cycle?

This:

Peak+8 is most definitely the wrong time to have the stomach flu (gastroenteritis).  It started at 3 a.m. with nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea.  Repeat several hours later.  Then I was back to normal.  I honestly can't remember the last time I had any of those three symptoms.  You just can't ignore nausea and vomiting.

According to Dr. Google, diarrhea is actually a more common pregnancy symptom about eight days after ovulation (my estimate) than vomiting.  Did you know that?  I didn't.  Since I had eaten 95% of the same food as DH the two days prior to getting sick, it surely couldn't be the stomach flu.  And what kind of stomach flu lasts for five hours total?  When DH had the stomach flu a few months ago (probably from unwashed spinach), it lasted a solid 36 hours.

Dr. Google also told me about some women who had just a single day of morning sickness and nothing more.  I was drawn into the illusion of pregnancy hook, line, and sinker.  I started thinking of my favorite baby names and how I would tell DH.  There were a few more strange symptoms in the days after the stomach flu incident that I've never had before during the post-peak phase.  All of this really had me convinced.  A 15-day post-peak phase plus just a tiny bit of spotting in the morning on CD1 (and nothing the rest of the day) wasn't much help in the let's-bring-polkadot-back-to-reality department either.

When AF did arrive in full force on CD2, my little dream world came crashing down.  I didn't take her arrival well at all:  tears, more tears, a little anger, a one-sided dialogue of "but God, I thought I was pregnant..." and even more tears.

Dear body, please don't do that again post-peak unless it's the real deal.  None of this imitation stuff that just messes with my head.  :P

Hopefully this cycle I'll be able to go back to happily ignoring any and all symptoms during the 2WW...  :)

Fun questions

For a little change of pace around here, below are my answers to Stephanie's questions:

1.) Why do you blog?  to connect with others in the Catholic IF world

2.) What is your favorite smell?  coffee

3.) What would you have as your last meal? Include appetizer, main course, and dessert.
Croissants and Caesar salad, chicken piccata, tiramisu

4.) If you could master any skill overnight, what would it be?  photography

5.) Who's your favorite Disney character?  Belle

6.) What movie did you most recently watch?  "Emma" (with Gwyneth Paltrow)

7.) What song are you currently listening to on repeat?  “One Thing” by Finger 11

8.) Cupcake or slice of pie?  pie

9.) If you could have a miniaturized animal as a pet, what would you pick? (For example, John tells me he wants a mini-bear.)  Panda bear

10.) If you just found out company was coming over in a few hours, what dish would you whip up for them?   chicken tortilla soup

I gave in

I succumbed to the temptation.  I joined Pinterest.  :)

plumpolkadot1

If you want to see my boards, click on the icon above.

These are the boards I started:

1. Encouragement from the Bible - any Bible verse that addresses suffering or provides encouragement (and was the cutest image I could find)
   
2. Christian encouragement - other quotes or sayings that could lift you up if you're feeling down
3. Saints quotes on suffering - mostly from saints but does include other famous Catholics
4. Catholic infertility - quotes related to the Catholic view of marriage and infertility (I'm really hoping to find more pins to add to this one, so if you know of any, please tell me where to find them.)
5. NFP Natural Family Planning - images, quotes, and articles on NFP (including the Creighton Model and NaProTechnology)
6. GF DF SF recipes - gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free recipes (or those that could be easily made that way) that I've tried
7. Infertility humor - memes, cartoons, etc.

I'm trying to limit my time on there, but I can see how people spend hours and hours looking for fun things to pin.  :)

Mixed messages

DH and I like to take day trips on Saturdays when the weather is nice.  On one such trip, we traveled several hours to reach our destination, so we saw a lot of cars that day.  All of the pictures below except the last one were taken on the same trip.

I didn't add them, but I see AF license plates just about weekly. They are everywhere!

It still hurts

We've been TTC for five years now.  That "anniversary" was earlier this summer.  My first thought is that IF still hurts.  Maybe you're thinking, "Well, duh."  The tears still catch me off guard from time to time.  Almost anything that reminds me of the joy of children and our lack thereof has the potential to trigger the waterworks and re-open the deep pain of longing and grief.  Even though the emotional pain hasn't gone away, I dwell on it less often than the earlier days of IF, so in that way it's not as all-encompassing as it used to be.  The number of days in a month that I shed tears related to IF is significantly decreased from previous years.  Whether this is a natural progression over time or not, there has been a lot of God's grace bringing me to this point because the "please-God-give-me-babies" crying tantrums were much more frequent in the past, and yet the desire for children is still as strong as ever.  Now it's tempered with an outlook that I am not in control, I don't get to know ahead of time when/if our family will grow, and it's possible it may be a long time before it happens.  And many days out of the month, I find there's peace knowing that's a possibility.  If God can bring me to some level of peace—me, the girl who added a prayer intention during her wedding Mass specifically asking God to bless her marriage with children because there weren't enough other places in the Mass where that same prayer was offered and surely God would listen to the prayers of everyone in attendance—God can bring anyone to that same peace. :)  (I distinctly remember my thought process in adding that intention.  It's as if I subconsciously knew we would face infertility, but I needed to feel in control that my dreams of children would come true.)

I still do have this fear of long-term childlessness, and I can't quite put my finger on why it bothers me from time to time (it comes and goes like the tears).  Maybe it's the fear that I'm going to spend many more years in a state of grief?  When the waves of grief come, the emotional pain can be intense.  But like I said above, those feelings happen less often these days.  Maybe I still can't let go of the desire for children.  Complete abandonment to God's will is really hard, especially when your dreams are involved.  I know I need to trust God that if He's asking us to live a childless life for a while longer or indefinitely, that it will be okay.  Maybe it's a good thing I don't know today how long we'll be childless—that could send me into despair quickly.  If I know God's in charge of my future, I'll just work on getting through today.  :)

Today's Gospel was quite fitting:  the story of Peter getting out of the boat and walking on the water to Jesus (Matthew 14:22-33).  Peter takes his eyes off Jesus for a second to look at the storm around him and fear sets in.  The same thing happens to me.  I take my eyes off Jesus to look around at all the happy families having babies and wish I could have that too.  Then I become sad (or any number of negative emotions) and start to whine to God about my life.  One look at a crucifix is usually enough to realign my gaze (and my emotions), but it's almost as if I can hear God saying to me (as Jesus did to Peter), "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I've been wondering this lately:  do I have to never get what I want? (i.e. children)  Is that what it is going to take for me to really trust God?  It reminds me of the story from Exodus of the Israelites in the desert after they had been freed from slavery in Egypt (Exodus 16-17).  Even though they should have been grateful to God for their freedom, they grumbled and complained.  God sent them manna and told them only to collect enough for one day.  He was testing them to see if they would trust Him that He was faithful and would give them more manna the next day.  They found other things to complain about, like being thirsty.  God gave them water.  They stayed in the desert for forty years, and God provided them manna for every day.  Is it going to take forty years for me to learn to trust God that life will be okay if my dream of children goes unfulfilled?  On the flip side, if He does bless us with children, will I rely on Him as much as I do now, because I have no other choice than to cling to Him in my suffering?

Even though we've been TTC for five years and during that time there have been plenty of people around us get pregnant, I still struggle with how I react to their news.  I mean, I'm better than I used to be, but there's still room to grow.  Sometimes when others announce a pregnancy or give birth, I feel joy for them.  I have managed (with plenty of grace of course) 100% joy/0% jealousy for some formerly IF ladies.  Sometimes I still struggle with jealousy and even envy and not just with my fertile acquaintances.  What kind of horrible person is ever envious, even a little bit, of an IFer getting pregnant?  I don't blame you if you want to run far away from this blog and never come back.  Sometimes the bitterness that has come with IF and tends to linger under the surface just brings me to tears because I hate that I feel that way.  I don't remember feeling bitterness in my pre-IF days.

Usually there's a protective layer around my heart.  The thickness of that layer changes along with my hormone levels.  It's much thicker during the "fertile" time (so far I'm only fertile on paper) and most of the post-peak phase.  It gets rather thin a few days before AF arrives and remains that way until AF has stayed for a couple days.

There are of course exceptions to this pattern.  I've had pregnancy announcements from fertile friends on CD1 that don't make me cry.  And sometimes the tears will come when I thought I was feeling pretty emotionally stable.  Take a Sunday from last cycle, for example.  It was mid-post-peak so I should have been fine.  But I was not fine.  I cried on and off during Mass as if it were CD1.  Maybe knowing we've been TTC for five years was the reason.  The music director played an instrumental version of a very fitting song too—I sort of think of it as my IF theme song.  I've posted it here before.

"Be Still My Soul" - Jean Sibelius

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears.
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and wind still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

(this version has verses 1, 3, and 4)


(this version by a boys' choir has verses 1, 2, and 4)

Still tweaking

1.  I would have thought that doing NaPro treatments for over four years would mean that we would be done with finding new problems and just be on maintenance treatment for the "old" problems.  That doesn't seem to be the case yet.  In NaPro there are usually three stages: find, fix, count (find the problems, try treatments to fix them, and then start counting good ("effective") cycles (up to 12-18) where your chart is pretty and everything seems to be normal).  In my experience, I've bounced back and forth between find and fix for a while, and then stayed in "fix" because the treatments weren't working (e.g. to eliminate TEBB) or the problem came back after having been fixed (endo—resulting in my second surgery last year).

I thought (naively?) that saying goodbye to TEBB and lowering my prolactin were the last things that needed fixing.  Apparently not, at least if you look at my chart.  I had one picture perfect cycle the first cycle without TEBB a few months ago.  Effective cycle count: 1.  The next cycle I had three days of premenstrual spotting at the end.  Boo.  Where did that come from??  Premenstrual spotting is usually caused by low progesterone after ovulation.  But that doesn't make any sense.  I'm on low-dose Clomid and post-peak HCG.  My P+7 hormone levels have been great for months and months and got even better when the TEBB disappeared.  But just in case my hormones drop too low too soon before AF arrives, Dr. K thought I could try taking more HCG.  So the following cycle I took HCG on four days post-peak (adding in P+3) instead of the three days post-peak (P+5, P+7, P+9) which I have done for the last four years.  Guess what happened to my P+7 hormones that cycle?  They were through the roof.  Like way too high.  And I didn't take my P+7 HCG before the blood draw.  Estradiol was 57 (goal >12; my previous high: 53), and progesterone was 96 (goal >13; my previous high: 73).  96!!  Yikes!  Dr. K was on vacation for that cycle review, so I had a substitute doctor review my chart.  He said to try P+3 HCG for one more cycle and see what the next P+7 values were before changing anything.  But the third cycle without TEBB looked good otherwise, so effective cycle count is at 2.  Or maybe it's back to 1 because of the premenstrual spotting the cycle prior?  Not sure if the effective cycles have to be consecutive...

2.  Now I'm in the fourth cycle in a row without TEBB.  Am I dreaming?  Is this possible?  :)  I love it!  But this cycle won't count as an effective cycle either, and it's not even over yet.  Why?  I had three days of random brown spotting around the time my mucus started.  On two of those days it lasted all day.  Gross.  Disappointing.  And bizarre—the brown showed up days after my period ended.  I'm hoping it's not a sign my endo is back.  Looking back on old charts, I noticed that, for the most part, I would have the occasional mid-cycle spotting about every three months or so...prior to my first surgery for endo.  After surgery?  Spotting disappeared for a long time.  It reappeared about when my pain returned 15 months later.  Again after my second endo surgery I had very rare mid-cycle spotting.  It's becoming a little more frequent lately.  I might have had a little pain during my last period, but it happened so fast that I really wasn't paying attention to see how bad it was.  I hope that I imagined it.  I really don't want my endo to be back.  :(

3.  My vitamin D is much better.  In May when I had it tested during my endocrinologist visit it was 79, a significant improvement from 39 last November.  I've been taking 8000 IU of liquid vitamin D daily since November, and I'm glad it's helping.

4.  Oh, and speaking of the blood work the endocrinologist ordered...  I called her office and asked the nurse to send me copies of all the results.  When I received them in the mail, I was rather surprised.  I wish I would have looked more closely at the order sheet that I dutifully carried from the exam room to the lab after finishing the appointment.  You will never guess what additional test she ordered without telling me?  A pregnancy test!!!  Ugh!!!  Talk about sneaking behind a patient's back.  :P  That day was CD6, and AF was completely normal (including a heavy day and a moderate day), so I had zero reason to think I was pregnant.  Did she ask me if it was a normal period?  No.  Charting didn't even come up.  I probably even had my chart with me.  (Gotta be prepared!)  ;)  So now in the time we've been TTC, I've had three blood pregnancy tests done, all three of which I was 110% confident would have been negative.  The first two were prior to each surgery...I understand they want to be extra careful so they check anyway.  I really hope I don't have to do any more fake blood pregnancy tests.

5.  And in completely unrelated news, there was an article floating around Facebook about the unhealthy things used to make disposable menstrual pads, which led me to search out more on the topic.  I wonder if any of those chemicals in the pads have a hand in the development or regrowth of endo...?  Even if they don't, all those chemicals near such a vascular area can't be a good thing.  The pads I buy are just the mainstream brands, nothing organic.  I mentioned a while ago that I haven't used tampons since my second surgery a year and a half ago because I heard stories from a couple ladies that their TEBB stayed away after ditching tampons.  While using only pads didn't make my TEBB go away, I didn't want to make things worse if I could help it so I have continued avoiding tampons.  I have noticed my periods are lighter (the heaviest days are not nearly so heavy) than when I used tampons, so that is a welcome change.  I have heard others make that observation as well.

Someone commented on the article that she makes her own cloth pads.  I was immediately intrigued.  If you had suggested cloth pads to me last year, I probably would have been like, "Eww.  No way."  I'm not sure what changed, but the idea sounds great to me now.  (DH's first reaction was, "Eww.  I am NOT washing those.")  I've searched a bit for fabrics online but I haven't decided on anything yet.  I do know I want organic fabric.  Cotton flannel or bamboo?  That is the question!  If I'm going to make pads to avoid the chemicals in the disposable ones, I'm going to go all out on these and make sure there are no chemicals.  I'm also debating between all white pads (boring but no dyes) vs. super cute patterns and colors.  I haven't found anything that says dyes are bad, and I do love cute things so I might be leaning that way...  Anyone else use cloth pads?

6. One of my favorite hobbies is sewing.  When I sew something for the first time, I usually create a Word document with step by step instructions and pictures on how to make it so I can use it for future projects.  For a change of pace, I've sometimes considered posting little sewing tutorials here on my blog for the different projects I've done, but I always decided against it because they were mostly baby-related gifts (burp cloths, breastfeeding wrap, etc.) and didn't really seem to fit on an IF blog.  I know all IFers have fertile friends and family that they might want to sew for, but I just decided not to post them.  A cloth pad tutorial would be much more appropriate for an IF blog, now wouldn't it?  ;)

IF womb blessing

You may have heard about the blessing of a child in the womb for pregnant women that the USCCB approved two years ago.  But did you know you can ask a priest for a womb blessing as an infertile woman?

Here's the story of what happened when I asked for a womb blessing.  I hope you are comfy because it's not exactly short.

Years ago a good friend of ours was ordained to the priesthood, and DH and I attended his ordination.  I had never been to an ordination before.  It was probably the most beautiful Mass I have ever witnessed.  It is just so moving to watch as someone gives his entire life to serving God and His Church.  I love our priests.  :)  In the years that followed I longed to attend another ordination, but it just never worked out.  Then two years ago in April I saw the announcement for our diocese's ordination so I put it on the calendar.  I was looking forward to it a lot.

The ordination was just as beautiful as I remember the last one, even though I didn't know this new priest personally.  If you've never been to an ordination, you are missing out.  They usually take place in May or June, so you can plan ahead for next year...way ahead.  :)

Since we didn't receive an invitation to the reception afterwards, we weren't planning on going to that...unless there was a general announcement at ordination inviting everyone.  And there was!  There were even printed driving directions for everyone.  I guess it was more of a diocesan event than a personal reception for the priest's friends and family.  (When my friend had his ordination reception years ago, we had received a formal invitation, but I can't remember if it was a joint reception with the other new priest ordained at the same time.  I suppose different dioceses do it differently.)

At the reception a line quickly formed so people could receive a blessing from the new priest.  Just like at a wedding where the newlyweds often don't get a chance to eat because they're busy greeting their guests, the priest didn't get much more than a bottle of water before the line formed.  This was expected of course, and they had a small kneeler set up in a corner where the priest was standing for this purpose.  I watched as people greeted the priest and kissed the palm of each of his hands.  How beautiful the hands of priests because they give us Jesus in the Eucharist.

When DH and I got to the front of the line, we could see that the priest had several different blessings spread out in front of him—one for individuals, one for couples, etc. Before we knelt down, I asked if he would bless my womb because of our infertility.  I thought he could just add a spontaneous sentence or two to the blessing he was already going to give us.  I had heard that you can ask any priest for a womb blessing if you're infertile—which is why I asked—and I assumed that meant the priest would just come up with some appropriate words on the spot.  He said he didn't have a womb blessing in front of him, but if we waited until everyone else had gone, then he would find one for us.  I was surprised and pleased that he would do that for us, given that there were a lot of people in line, and he probably wanted to spend time visiting with family and friends after finishing up the individual blessings.  He offered to give us the married couple blessing that he had on front of him, so we knelt down.  It was all in Latin, and I know only a handful of words, so I had no idea what he said.  It sounded nice though.  Everything sounds nice in Latin.  :)

We sat down on some nearby chairs to wait.  About an hour later the line was nearing its end, and most of the people had gone home.  Someone finally brought the new priest a plate of food.  A seminarian came over and started talking to the priest.  He stayed close to the priest and was doing something on his phone.  In between blessings, he would show the phone to the priest.  I thought maybe someone had sent a congratulatory message to the priest that he wanted to see...maybe on Facebook or something.  When the last person was blessed, I assumed the priest would sit down to eat, so we remained where we were.  I didn't really want to bother the priest since we could get a womb blessing from any priest...I just thought it would be extra special to receive it from a brand new priest.  Instead of sitting down to eat with his friends who had brought him the plate of food, the priest took the cell phone from the seminarian and walked directly over to where we were sitting.

He smiled and said they found a womb blessing for infertile couples.  (Apparently it was the seminarian on his phone who found it.)

I was shocked and really touched that he'd go through the effort of finding one for us!  I had no idea that one already existed.

He raised his hand and started to pray over us.  Again it was all in Latin.  I tried to listen for words I knew, which is not very many.  The only thing relevant I could think of was "fructus" from the Hail Mary:  "and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus" (et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus).  I think I heard the word fructus.  I do remember Abraham's name mentioned.  DH knows more Latin than me and thought part of it was about Israel.  For all I know, he could have recounted all the couples in the Old Testament that faced infertility in addition to the entire history of Israel's relationship with God.  It was a long blessing.  Really long.  It took five minutes maybe?  Maybe a bit shorter, but not much.  I was expecting a paragragh at most, so this was quite extensive.

I sincerely thanked the priest after he finished and asked on what website he found the blessing because I would love to see the English translation of it.  He said it was a PDF file, and he had the hard copy of the book elsewhere.  So I couldn't get a copy of it from him...  I knew some of you might want to see it as well, so my inquiry wasn't just for me.  :)  The priest then asked our names and promised to continue to pray for us.  I was so touched by his kindness that I could feel the tears coming.  I held them in until we left.  Since not very many (non-IF) people acknowledge the suffering that accompanies IF, it means a lot to me when someone does.

My plan was to ask a priest I knew if he would give me the text of the womb blessing.  I thought it wouldn't be too difficult of a request.  I was wrong.  I have asked multiple (I've lost track how many) priests if they can find the text of the blessing we received, and no one has had any success in finding it.  Apparently this blessing is not in the book of blessings that most priests have.  Unfortunately I can't contact the priest who gave us the blessing because he is taking time away from parish life to do some studying.

It recently dawned on me that it was the seminarian who found it, so maybe I should ask a seminarian.  I contacted a seminarian that I've met before, and I am waiting to hear back.

If any of you happen to have a copy of this blessing, please send it to me so I can post it here for everyone.  I am on a mission here!

The reason I did not post this earlier (say, two years ago when we received the blessing) is because I really wanted to include the text of the blessing here.  Even though I still don't have it, I have something else!  :)  There is a blessing for infertile couples that is approved for use in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Australia, and I acquired the text.  I put a link at the top of my blog with the entire text.  I also saved it as a PDF if you want to download it.

Here's a link to the IF blessing.

Ladies, I encourage you to ask your priest for a womb blessing!  It's not any kind of guarantee of course but we need all the blessing and prayers and spiritual help we can get!  You all know that IF is a such tough cross to carry, and this might make carrying that cross just a bit easier.

Novena to Sts. Joachim and Anne

The feast day of Saints Joachim and Anne, the parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary and grandparents of Jesus, is coming up on July 26th.  They experienced infertility and were childless for twenty years.  (Twenty!  That certainly puts my five years in perspective...)  Their community snubbed them because they thought barrenness was a punishment from God.  As if infertility isn't isolating enough already!  One day Joachim went to the temple with the desire to offer sacrifice but he was not allowed to because he had no children.  Filled with shame and grief, he went off to the wilderness for forty days to fast and pray (and complain to God about being childless) where an angel visited him and told him he would have a daughter.  Back at home, Anne was begging God for a child when an angel visited her too and gave her the same news.  She was forty years old when the Virgin Mary was born.

If you'd like to pray the novena below, it starts tomorrow and goes through the day before their feast day.  All those struggling with IF or miscarriage are in my prayers.

Good parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary,
grandparents of our Savior, Jesus Christ,

When life seems barren,
   help us to trust in God’s mercy.

When we are confused,
   help us to find the way to God.

When we are lost in the desert,
   lead us to those whom God has called us to love.

When our marriage seems lifeless,
   show us the eternal youth of the Lord.

When we are selfish,
   teach us to cling only to that which lasts.

When we are afraid,
   help us to trust in God.

When we are ashamed,
   remind us that we are God’s children.

When we sin,
   lead us to do God’s will.

You who know God’s will for husband and wife,
   help us to live chastely.

You who know God’s will for the family,
   keep all families close to you.

You who suffered without children,
   intercede for all infertile couples.

You who trusted in God’s will,
   help us to respect God’s gift of fertility.

You who gave birth to the Blessed Mother,
   inspire couples to be co-creators with God.

You who taught the Mother of God,
   teach us to nurture children in holy instruction.

You whose hearts trusted in God,
   hear our prayers for . . . (mention your requests here)

Pray with us for the ministry of Catholic family life.
Pray with us for the ministry of Natural Family Planning.
Pray with us for all who give their time, talent and treasure to this good work.

Hail Mary. . . Our Father. . . Glory Be to the Father. . .

God of our fathers, you gave Saints Anne and Joachim the privilege of being the parents of Mary, the mother of your incarnate Son. May their prayers help us to attain the salvation you have promised to your people. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Source:  USCCB website

Songs for rough days

Because I wanted them all in one place, I compiled a bunch of songs that can give a little comfort, encouragement, or perspective on the hard days, especially CD1 or any other day you're feeling down.

"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"


"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North
"Life just won’t let up and I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left."


"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North
"Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?"


"You Were on the Cross" by Matt Maher
"And where were You when all that I've hoped for, where You when all that
I've dreamed came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross."


"Blessings" by Laura Story
"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"


"Even If" by Kutless
"You are God and we will bless You even if the healing doesn’t come."


"What Faith Can Do" by Kutless
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end
even when the sky is falling."


"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
"I'm waiting on You, Lord though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait."


"If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens
"I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
and I will go through the darkness if You want me to."


"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns
"And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side."


"Already There" by Casting Crowns
"From where I'm standing, Lord it's so hard for me to see where this is going
and where You're leading me."


"No One Else Knows" by Building 429
"When all I am is crying out, I hold it in and fake a smile, still I'm broken."


"Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets
"If there’s a road I should walk help me find it. If I need to be still give me peace for the moment."


"The Hurt and the Healer" by Mercy Me
"Pain so deep that I can hardly move; just keep my eyes completely fixed on You"


"Lay It Down" by Jaci Velasquez
"I know that you know that my heart is aching. I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking.
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore."


"No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts
"I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,
if not, I'll trust You, no matter what."


"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson
"...'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming"


"All I Can Say" by David Crowder Band
"I didn't know that that was You holding me. I didn't notice You were crying too."


"Need You Now" by Plumb
"How many times have you heard me cry out 'God please take this'?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?"


"Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me
"I am Yours regardless of the dark clouds that may loom above
because You are much greater than my pain."


"Carry Me" by Audrey Assad
"So, I choose to believe as I carry this cross, You'll carry me."


"Your Hands" by JJ Heller
"When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands."


"I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin
"As I pour out my heart, these things I remember. You are faithful, God, forever."


"Tunnel" by Third Day
"You've got your disappointments and sorrows. You ought to share the weight of that load with me."


"Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day
"When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you,
you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus."


"Never Alone" by Barlow Girl
"I cried out with no reply, and I can't feel You by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I know: 
You're here and I'm never alone."


"Blessed Be Your Name" by Tree63
"Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering.  Though there's pain in the offering, 
blessed be Your name."


"For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K
"Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles, He will be strong."


"Safe" by Phil Wickham
"When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms."


"Strong Enough" by Matthew West
"'Cause I'm broken down to nothing but I'm still holding on to the one thing.
You are God and you are strong when I am weak."


"Where I Belong" by Building 429
"So when the walls come falling down on me and when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea, 
I have this blessed assurance holding me."