Infertility Awareness: A Catholic Perspective

Note: I know I've been absent from this space for quite a while, but I wanted to put up this post from last year since it's National Infertility Awareness Week. Just pretend the pretty graphic says "2016" instead. :)

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One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past (regardless of the outcome) but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 24-30, 2016, is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile.”

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility;” by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our small families, whether childless (primary infertility) or with fewer children than we hoped for (secondary infertility), make us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins—with cramps and bleeding and tears—we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Some will experience infertility with a complete lack of cycles. Some couples won't even get to experience the benefit of being able to really try to conceive because of this harsh reality, which is a constant reminder of brokenness for those experiencing it. The pain and anxiety that comes from a lack of reproductive health can be crippling.

And yet others, despite hormonal dysfunction and health issues, will experience the cyclical nature of infertility through conception itself (or recurring conception). These couples go on to lose their children (early, full term, or shortly after birth, and anywhere in between) either once or many times. If you know that we've experienced a loss (something we may or may not have the courage to share), know that we are grieving. It wasn't "just" a pregnancy or "just another" pregnancy that was lost; it was our living baby that died. And we are more likely to be traumatized by the cyclical nature of our infertility because of our losses. We do not get to choose that our cycles will mimic our losses. We are at the mercy of hope.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass every year will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please…

• Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.


• Do not make assumptions about anything—not the size of a family or whether a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.


• Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option”—or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.


• Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a separate calling and should be discerned by every married couple irrespective of their ability to conceive biological children. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.


• Do not assume that if we try to adopt that the process will be successful. Many adoption attempts fail and don't result in a couple receiving a child placement (temporarily or permanently). Some couples are flat out rejected from attempting to adopt by different agencies and governments. Just like adoption is an incredibly intrusive and emotionally charged issue that is part of a separate calling in the journey to "parenthood", it isn't always a possibility for infertile parents. Do not assume we can. And be gentle if we are trying. It's extra painful to be infertile and not be able to adopt. And we are likely so hurt that we can't bear to share the details with everyone.


• Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.


• Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.


• Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.


• Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.


• Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.


• Do not exclude us from your life because you think we may be uncomfortable. It is actually more painful to be left out because of the cross we're carrying, and we know that doesn't make a lot of sense to our families and friends. We will excuse ourselves from events or situations if we must, and please let us do so gracefully if the circumstance arises.


• Do not ask when we are going to “start a family.” (We started one the day we got married).


• Do not ask which one of us is the “problem”—we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.


• Do grieve with us if you know that we've experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death (or many). You may not know what to say to comfort us, and that's ok. Let us grieve at our own pace and on our own schedule without guilt or explanations, even if we have living children. Do not offer platitudes for why you think it happened, how you think it's part of God's plan for us to suffer, or any number of things you think might have been wrong with the child. It was our living baby that died. Let us grieve, pray for us, and if you can, let us know you care by being there for us in our grief. Let us know that you remember that our baby lived, no matter how short of a life.


• Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.


• Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

Because this topic is so difficult for so many women and men, the best thing our friends and family can do (and indeed strangers we encounter who may be aware of our struggles) is pray for us. We are grateful for those who offer their prayers and support in a gentle way. Your support is invaluable to us.

Lastly, remember that compassion means "to suffer with." We didn't sign up for this to happen. We can't control whether we overcome this. And we're doing our best to navigate the murky waters and maintain our sanity and our faith and our relationships with our family and friends through it all. We truly need your support and love to accomplish that. Please, please suffer with us and be Christ to us. No other understanding of our cross will be more merciful or more loving than if you put yourself in a situation to sympathize or empathize with us. The pain of infertility is exacerbated by the fact that it draws us into ourselves. We need your help to remind us in the most difficult moments that we aren't alone, God didn't forget us, and that we have something precious to offer through the fruitfulness of our marriage even when it isn't manifesting in the children we so desperately want to hold. Together, we can offer up our shared suffering for Christ. It's a powerful witness to both of our faiths to travel this road together and we'll manage it better with your help than if we have to travel it all alone.

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This post was made possible through the collaboration of 400+ members of a "secret" Facebook group of Catholic women and men struggling with the pains of infertility in all of its forms. Together we are stronger. And in having the conversation, we are breaking the silence.

If you are Catholic and experiencing the pains of infertility and would like to join a "secret" Facebook support group, please visit this page and send a message to the page owner.

Infertility Awareness: A Catholic Perspective

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past (regardless of the outcome) but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 19-25, 2015, is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile.”

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility;” by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our small families, whether childless (primary infertility) or with fewer children than we hoped for (secondary infertility), make us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins—with cramps and bleeding and tears—we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Some will experience infertility with a complete lack of cycles. Some couples won't even get to experience the benefit of being able to really try to conceive because of this harsh reality, which is a constant reminder of brokenness for those experiencing it. The pain and anxiety that comes from a lack of reproductive health can be crippling.

And yet others, despite hormonal dysfunction and health issues, will experience the cyclical nature of infertility through conception itself (or recurring conception). These couples go on to lose their children (early, full term, or shortly after birth, and anywhere in between) either once or many times. If you know that we've experienced a loss (something we may or may not have the courage to share), know that we are grieving. It wasn't "just" a pregnancy or "just another" pregnancy that was lost; it was our living baby that died. And we are more likely to be traumatized by the cyclical nature of our infertility because of our losses. We do not get to choose that our cycles will mimic our losses. We are at the mercy of hope.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass every year will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please…

• Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.


• Do not make assumptions about anything—not the size of a family or whether a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.


• Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option”—or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.


• Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a separate calling and should be discerned by every married couple irrespective of their ability to conceive biological children. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.


• Do not assume that if we try to adopt that the process will be successful. Many adoption attempts fail and don't result in a couple receiving a child placement (temporarily or permanently). Some couples are flat out rejected from attempting to adopt by different agencies and governments. Just like adoption is an incredibly intrusive and emotionally charged issue that is part of a separate calling in the journey to "parenthood", it isn't always a possibility for infertile parents. Do not assume we can. And be gentle if we are trying. It's extra painful to be infertile and not be able to adopt. And we are likely so hurt that we can't bear to share the details with everyone.


• Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.


• Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.


• Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.


• Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.


• Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.


• Do not exclude us from your life because you think we may be uncomfortable. It is actually more painful to be left out because of the cross we're carrying, and we know that doesn't make a lot of sense to our families and friends. We will excuse ourselves from events or situations if we must, and please let us do so gracefully if the circumstance arises.


• Do not ask when we are going to “start a family.” (We started one the day we got married).


• Do not ask which one of us is the “problem”—we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.


• Do grieve with us if you know that we've experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death (or many). You may not know what to say to comfort us, and that's ok. Let us grieve at our own pace and on our own schedule without guilt or explanations, even if we have living children. Do not offer platitudes for why you think it happened, how you think it's part of God's plan for us to suffer, or any number of things you think might have been wrong with the child. It was our living baby that died. Let us grieve, pray for us, and if you can, let us know you care by being there for us in our grief. Let us know that you remember that our baby lived, no matter how short of a life.


• Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.


• Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

Because this topic is so difficult for so many women and men, the best thing our friends and family can do (and indeed strangers we encounter who may be aware of our struggles) is pray for us. We are grateful for those who offer their prayers and support in a gentle way. Your support is invaluable to us.

Lastly, remember that compassion means "to suffer with." We didn't sign up for this to happen. We can't control whether we overcome this. And we're doing our best to navigate the murky waters and maintain our sanity and our faith and our relationships with our family and friends through it all. We truly need your support and love to accomplish that. Please, please suffer with us and be Christ to us. No other understanding of our cross will be more merciful or more loving than if you put yourself in a situation to sympathize or empathize with us. The pain of infertility is exacerbated by the fact that it draws us into ourselves. We need your help to remind us in the most difficult moments that we aren't alone, God didn't forget us, and that we have something precious to offer through the fruitfulness of our marriage even when it isn't manifesting in the children we so desperately want to hold. Together, we can offer up our shared suffering for Christ. It's a powerful witness to both of our faiths to travel this road together and we'll manage it better with your help than if we have to travel it all alone.

***************************************************************************************

This post was made possible through the collaboration of 430 members of a "secret" Facebook group of Catholic women and men struggling with the pains of infertility in all of its forms. Together we are stronger. And in having the conversation, we are breaking the silence.

If you are Catholic and experiencing the pains of infertility and would like to join a "secret" Facebook support group, please let me know and I will happily add you.

There's a hole in my soul

The retreat center.  St. John XXIII, pray for us!

The IF retreat that Rebecca organized was this past weekend.  It was just what I needed. I've been having a pretty rough past month or so, and the retreat was able to put a lot into perspective.  More people attended than last year, and something about seeing all of them in one room together was healing in itself.  In real life, I've only ever been in the same room as a handful of other IF ladies.  Having a whole room full of others carrying the same cross was a huge reminder that I am not alone.  It really hit home when one of the presenters (who was infertile) asked everyone whose life had been impacted by infertility to raise his/her hand; everyone's hand went up.  That visual alone was powerful.  Being able to see their reactions (i.e., tears) during the presentations was reassuring that I'm not just being too sensitive when I feel the pain of IF.  The pain is real and profound and even though everyone has a slightly different perspective, it is very much a shared experience.

very comfortable room where I did not spend much time

The presentations were excellent, but like last year, I got the most out of talking to the other retreatants.  It's rare to have time for fellowship with others who can relate to what I'm going through.  The IF blogs and the IF Fac.ebook group are great, but it's just so nice to sit and chat with people in person (says the shy phlegmatic).  Not having to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine with people I just met was rather refreshing.  Several of us stayed up rather late talking.  I figured I could sleep when I got home.  :)

One priest gave us a blessing with
a relic of Sts. Joachim and Anne.

While the retreat did shine a big spotlight on the pain of IF, it also encouraged me to try to move beyond the pain.  Often, when you're sitting at home on CD1, for example, the sadness is so great that all you do is turn inward.  That is the big problem with pain of any kind.  When your focus is only on yourself and what is making you miserable, it's harder to attempt to see the bigger picture of what God might want for you or your life.  The priests who attended the retreat struck a good balance between acknowledging the suffering of IF and challenging us to accept this cross and discern how to move forward in the circumstances we find ourselves.  They also reminded us that if we pray for very specific things, we run the risk of expecting God's will to match our will, a lesson that has been hard for me to learn over the past few years.

The retreat did help me to have an epiphany of sorts.  For a long time, I have had a question swimming around in my head that I could not answer.  I had studied St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body (beginner level) before I met DH.  It definitely deepened my desire for children.  There is so much more to TOB than having children, but that's a practical part of what I took away from it.  Since we started experiencing IF, I could never really mesh TOB with IF.  Granted, it has been a long time since I delved into the specifics of TOB, it kind of bothered me that I couldn't answer this question:  In light of TOB, how do you view IF?  No answer anyone gave me satisfied me, including my stab at an answer (that IF is a tragedy).

Here's my train of thought as a non-theologian:  The Trinity is a communion of persons.  God loves the Son, and the love between them is so powerful that it becomes a third person, the Holy Spirit. Marriage images the Trinity.  But if the marriage experiences IF, there is no third person.  According to that analogy I described, marriage with IF seems to not image the Trinity, at least in the physical sense, and that's why I came to the conclusion that IF is a tragedy.  I realize all analogies of the Trinity fall short in some way, but it doesn't feel so good to think of your marriage as some broken image of the Trinity.

But finally I think I have an answer that satisfies me:  The main way marriage images the Trinity is in the self-gift of the spouses.  Yes, in the majority of marriages that self-gift results in (biological) children.  But focusing on the presence (or absence in our case) of children as the main sign misses the foundation of self-gift that all marriages are built on.  I might be the only person that was hung up on this, but I'm really glad going to the retreat was able to shed light on this.

One of the presenting couples played the song below for us.  While it's not about IF. there were two parts of the song that really hit me.

"There's a hole in my soul. I can't fill it. I can't fill it.
There's a hole in my soul. Can you fill it? Can you fill it?"

For a long time, there has been a child-sized hole in my soul.  It's still there, but I'm slowly learning to fill it with God and all the other blessings in my life.  It's definitely a work in progress.  :)

"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground."

This describes DH and me in regard to emotions about IF.  I don't hide what I'm feeling, and he is more likely to keep his hidden inside.  I think going through IF is helping both of us understand the other better in this area.

"Flaws" by Bastille

I've been listening to it almost non-stop since the weekend.  Such a good song.  :)

There will be the same IF retreat in Omaha in March.  I highly recommend going if you're in the area...or even if you're not.  Quite a few of the retreatants from this past weekend drove five or six or more hours in order to attend, and I'm guessing they would all say it was worth the drive.  :)

Songs for rough days

Because I wanted them all in one place, I compiled a bunch of songs that can give a little comfort, encouragement, or perspective on the hard days, especially CD1 or any other day you're feeling down.

"By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North
"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"


"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North
"Life just won’t let up and I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left."


"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North
"Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?"


"You Were on the Cross" by Matt Maher
"And where were You when all that I've hoped for, where You when all that
I've dreamed came crashing down in shambles around me? You were on the cross."


"Blessings" by Laura Story
"What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"


"Even If" by Kutless
"You are God and we will bless You even if the healing doesn’t come."


"What Faith Can Do" by Kutless
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end
even when the sky is falling."


"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
"I'm waiting on You, Lord though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait."


"If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens
"I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
and I will go through the darkness if You want me to."


"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns
"And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side."


"Already There" by Casting Crowns
"From where I'm standing, Lord it's so hard for me to see where this is going
and where You're leading me."


"No One Else Knows" by Building 429
"When all I am is crying out, I hold it in and fake a smile, still I'm broken."


"Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets
"If there’s a road I should walk help me find it. If I need to be still give me peace for the moment."


"The Hurt and the Healer" by Mercy Me
"Pain so deep that I can hardly move; just keep my eyes completely fixed on You"


"Lay It Down" by Jaci Velasquez
"I know that you know that my heart is aching. I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking.
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore."


"No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts
"I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,
if not, I'll trust You, no matter what."


"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson
"...'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming"


"All I Can Say" by David Crowder Band
"I didn't know that that was You holding me. I didn't notice You were crying too."


"Need You Now" by Plumb
"How many times have you heard me cry out 'God please take this'?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?"


"Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me
"I am Yours regardless of the dark clouds that may loom above
because You are much greater than my pain."


"Carry Me" by Audrey Assad
"So, I choose to believe as I carry this cross, You'll carry me."


"Your Hands" by JJ Heller
"When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands."


"I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin
"As I pour out my heart, these things I remember. You are faithful, God, forever."


"Tunnel" by Third Day
"You've got your disappointments and sorrows. You ought to share the weight of that load with me."


"Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day
"When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you,
you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus."


"Never Alone" by Barlow Girl
"I cried out with no reply, and I can't feel You by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I know: 
You're here and I'm never alone."


"Blessed Be Your Name" by Tree63
"Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering.  Though there's pain in the offering, 
blessed be Your name."


"For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K
"Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles, He will be strong."


"Safe" by Phil Wickham
"When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms."


"Strong Enough" by Matthew West
"'Cause I'm broken down to nothing but I'm still holding on to the one thing.
You are God and you are strong when I am weak."


"Where I Belong" by Building 429
"So when the walls come falling down on me and when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea, 
I have this blessed assurance holding me."

Infertility Awareness Week

The post below is being published on multiple blogs this week. It was written by a group of ladies in the Catholic IF Facebook group.  It's a wonderful group, and if you'd like to join it, see the end of this post for information.

Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey.

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility. At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please…

• Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.
• Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.
• Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.
• Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.
• Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.
• Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.
• Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.
• Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.
• Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.
• Do not ask when we are going to “start a family.” (we started one the day we got married)
• Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.
• Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds; please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.
• Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

Resources:
Infertility Companion for Catholics
Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach
Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)

Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace
DM & AM @ Snapshots
K @ Lucky as Sunshine
L @ Infertile in Minnesota
Lora @ Abounding Love
Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption
Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12
Polkadot @ Making God Laugh
Rebecca @ The Road Home
Stephanie @ Blessed to Be
Stephanie @ Chateau d’IF
*A. @ All in His Perfect Timing
*Alison @ Matching Moonheads 
*E. @ God’s Plan is My Joy
*Jenny @ All Things
*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things
*M. @ Joy Beyond the Cross
*Morgan @ Life as We Know It
*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace

There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.

God enters through the wound

Enough sitting on this post.  Time to press publish...

So it's been weeks since the IF retreat, and I've sort of been waiting for a big epiphany to hit me or some kind of mental breakthrough in how I see infertility or understand it.  But there hasn't been any big epiphany, at least up until this point.  Maybe something will hit me sometime down the road, but for now, my main reaction is that I'm happy I attended the retreat.

It was a nice-sized group--just under twenty people.  A handful of us wives came alone; others attended as a couple.

The best way I could describe the retreat is if you think of infertility like a wound, the wound was open, exposed, and raw the entire weekend.  Because the environment was so safe--everyone had personal experience living with IF--there was no need to try to put on a brave face or stuff your feelings down so others don't see.  There's really never (well, rarely) a chance to be so open and honest with your emotions and your pain in regular life, unless you have a very understanding or sympathetic friend, and even then it's limited because, let's face it, even the best of friends can't handle constant pain and sorrow from you all the time.  Perhaps I'm just speaking from my personal experience though.

A side story...

My most understanding friend whom I see only a couple times a year always asks me sincerely how I'm doing--meaning she wants to hear about IF and my struggles with it.  The last time I saw her, she let me share my pain with her for a while.  Just when I thought she might be starting to grasp (a little) of how deep IF pain is, she changed the topic, indicating she had reached her tolerance level of depressing topics.  I wasn't intending to go on much longer about IF, but it did surprise me that she essentially cut me off.  I realized it's not really accepted in polite company that you dwell on sad things for too long.  You can be a little sad, but not a lot sad, or if you're going to be a lot sad, you had better keep it short.  (Obviously you can do that with your husband, but I'm talking in a public setting.)

Back to the retreat...

These were strategically placed around the room. 
And they were passed around frequently.

I was not in a particularly emotionally vulnerable time in my cycle, but tears were just below the surface at all times, and it did not take much to start them flowing.  And flow they did.  Flood might be a better word.  I have not cried so much in a short period of time in a while.  Sometimes I cried because the intensity of the pain of IF would just hit me in waves.  Even though I think about IF often, I don't necessarily dwell on it for hours at a time...but the retreat kept IF in the center of my thoughts for much longer than I'm used to (hence the frequent tears).  Other times I cried when hearing another woman's IF story, realizing how deeply she was hurting.  I am the queen of sympathetic crying.  What was so nice was that I didn't feel embarrassed to be crying like I would if I were anywhere else besides home.  I think most of the ladies cried at some point during the retreat, but I tried hard to keep my gaze on the speaker and not the attendees (although it was easy to see out of the corner of my eye when a box of tissues was handed to another person).

One of the best parts about the retreat was the fellowship.  A small group of us ladies stayed up chatting until 4 a.m. and if we didn't need to be up a few hours later, we probably would have talked longer.  I figured I could sleep when I was back home, but I would only get to see other (real-life!) IFers for a short while, and I wanted to make the most of it.

The weekend was definitely not all serious.  I haven't laughed so much in a long time.

To me these represent the tension I face with IF:  hoping for that
miracle child knowing God could heal our infertility if He chose to
vs. knowing that true satisfaction and joy in this life comes from
God alone and trying to find contentment in that no matter what
happens with our IF.

One of my favorite parts of the weekend was a panel discussion with four couples who had different outcomes from their initial infertility:  one remained childless, one adopted an infant, one had two biological children, and one adopted through foster care.  So often adoption is presented as the solution to IF (usually by people who are not IF); I was glad the theme of the weekend was not, "Just adopt."  While it was great to hear from the couples who adopted (or had biological children), I was most interested to listen to the childless couple.  They were probably close in age to my parents.  This was the first time they were sharing their story publicly.  It was very emotional for them.  They brought up things they had long buried or maybe had never voiced aloud.  It really reaffirmed for me how deep the pain of IF is--that even though they had done meaningful work and ministry throughout their adult lives and had a loving marriage, the pain from IF never goes away. 

One part of their story really touched me.  They attended a Marriage Encounter (ME) weekend years after they knew they would never have children, and it was during that weekend that they were first able to really talk to each other about their emotions surrounding their IF.  That was the same way it happened for DH and me.  I remember before going to the ME, I would try to explain how I was feeling to DH, but I felt like I wasn't getting through to him--like he saw my feelings as some typical female over-the-top emotional (over)reaction.  But it was through the dialogues of that ME weekend that allowed us to break through whatever communication barrier we had before so that he could finally hear and understand where I was coming from. 

(Side note about ME:  When we were engaged, it was recommended to us that we attend a ME weekend after four years of marriage because at that point (sometime between four and seven years of marriage), the chemicals of attraction change.  Before that point, spouses would get a natural "high" (lovey-dovey feeling?) just by being in the same room with each other; after that point, the only way to get that "high" is through physical touch between the spouses.  Often couples will reach this point and feel like they "fell out of love" because they don't have the same warm, fuzzy feelings toward each other.  So the antidote was to attend a ME weekend to learn new tools of communicating and relating to each other to combat the change in feelings that would be coming soon.  It was recommended not to go earlier in marriage because you get the most benefit from the ME weekend by having plenty of marriage experience to draw on (at least four years).  I definitely see how that was true.  Newlyweds just wouldn't have much concrete to talk about--they would be discussing hypotheticals of how they would react in certain situations.  Neither of us really enjoyed the weekend or the style of communication that was taught, but for the major breakthrough we had about IF and our very different emotional reactions to it (if only because we were forced to discuss the subject (of our choosing) for a defined period of time) the entire weekend was worth it.)

Back to the retreat...

These are some of the things I took from the retreat:

• Marriage is all about self-gift.  Self-gift is the most important first step in our relationship with God and with others.
  
• Whenever we face suffering, we're told to "offer it up."  Sometimes instead we'd rather hear, "Yeah, that suffering is awful."  But offer it up doesn't mean suck it up and deal with it.  It has profound theological meaning (to unite the suffering with Christ on the cross) but sometimes you don't realize its significance until later.
  
• St. Henry II and his wife St. Cunigunde were childless, so they could be a good patron saint couple for IF couples.  (It's hard to find a saint who was permanently infertile.)  Most likely their childlessness is due to a vow of celibacy in their marriage...  BUT...according to the super accurate and always trustworthy wikip.edia, historians may have mistakenly assumed that their lack of children meant celibacy, implying that there's a chance they could have been infertile!  (I stopped reading after the wik.ipedia entry so maybe there's a better source out there, but with multiple spellings of Cunigunde, I wasn't up for the searches.)
  
• The (hard but necessary) question to ask is:  "Lord, how else (besides children) do you want to bless the world (not just me)?"
  
• God enters through the wound.
  
• Grace flows through wounds.  Look at the crucifix.
  
• Suffering always does something.  It's not a void.  It forms us.  It shapes us.  It teaches us.
  
• "Infertility is my stigmata." -RD  (It is a physical reminder of Christ's suffering.)
  
• God exults us when it would bring about our sanctification.  He humbles us when it would bring about our sanctification.

Aside from the wonderful theological truths that were discussed, I think the most significant mark the retreat left on me was that it acknowledged that infertility is really, really painful.  That probably sounds too simple or obvious.  Subconsciously I already knew that, but I needed someone else to affirm it.  (Not that the blogs don't affirm it--they do--I just needed it in person for some reason.)  When every discussion about my infertility with an IRL friend results in downplaying the pain or having the friend liken it to "just another of life's disappointments, like not getting the job you want, etc.", I start to wonder if I really am overreacting or over-doing my sadness.  But no, I'm not.  IF really does hurt that much.  And there are others feeling the same way.  Oh, how I wish we all lived closer and could hang out more often.  Live fellowship with other IFers is so great.  :)

God knows your name

Once upon a time years ago I went to a seminar put on by the diocese.  I don’t remember the overall topic for the day, but there was going to be some discussion about infertility, so I decided to go. At the time of the seminar it was either a couple months before or a couple months after our wedding. (I don’t remember when exactly.)  I do know that at the time I didn’t know that we were infertile.  I thought the seminar would help me in my capacity as FCP working with infertile clients.  The seminar presenter was Jeannie Hannemann, the founder of the Elizabeth Ministry.

A little background…  The Elizabeth Ministry provides support to women during their childbearing years.  It connects women who have previously gone through difficulties such as infertility, miscarriage, death of a (born) child, bed rest during pregnancy, etc. with a woman who is currently facing the same issue.  The idea is that a woman who’s been through the same thing can best support another during her time of need.  It’s modeled after Mary’s visit to Elizabeth during the latter part of Elizabeth’s pregnancy.  Any parish can start their own Elizabeth Ministry chapter.  Growing up, my parish had a chapter.  I remember my mom would occasionally get a phone call asking her to make a meal for someone—usually a pregnant woman on bed rest—and then she’d load us up in the car and drop off the meal.  We always stayed in the car and hoped she wouldn’t talk too long.  ;)  My mom wasn’t paired up with anyone; she was a general volunteer who provided food support when needed.

Back to the seminar…  There was one talk on infertility/miscarriage.  I remember only one thing Mrs. Hannemann said.  (It was also the only note(s) I took during the talk…remember I was listening for advice on how to be more sensitive to IF clients.)  She said if you could say just one thing to a woman who’s infertile or had a miscarriage, it would be this:

“God knows your name.”

She went on to explain what she meant.  In the Bible, very few women are mentioned by name, at least in comparison to how often men are named.  That means the women who are named specifically are important.  Think of the genealogy of Jesus in the first chapter of Matthew.  Only four women are mentioned by name (technically five are cited, the fifth being “the wife of Uriah”).  It’s kind of surprising that any women are named at all since genealogies were usually based on the male line.  But the four who were named had significant roles to play, so much so that Matthew thought it was necessary to include them.

Now think of all the women you can who are named in the Bible.  Among the main ones named, how many of them dealt with infertility?  A fair number of them—a much higher proportion than you’d expect.  Mrs. Hannemann explained that this shows that God thought their lives were important and that He knew them by name…and He knows your* name too.   (*and my name and all IFers)

I’ve thought about this from time to time after we learned about our infertility.  I see it as a little love note from God as if He were saying, “See I would never forget about you.  Even if the world does, I will not forget you.”

Here are a few of the infertile women in the Bible along with excerpts and some of my thoughts.  Note that none of these was permanently infertile…each eventually gave birth to a child.  But they are still worth reflecting on nonetheless.

Sarah

Sarah was post-menopausal and childless.  I wonder if the childless part had anything to do with her being married to her half-brother…just a random thought. ;)

Genesis 15:1-6
Some time after these events, this word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: "Fear not, Abram! I am your shield; I will make your reward very great." But Abram said, "O Lord God, what good will your gifts be, if I keep on being childless and have as my heir the steward of my house, Eliezer?" Abram continued, "See, you have given me no offspring, and so one of my servants will be my heir." Then the word of the Lord came to him: "No, that one shall not be your heir; your own issue shall be your heir." He took him outside and said: "Look up at the sky and count the stars, if you can. Just so," he added, "shall your descendants be." Abram put his faith in the Lord, who credited it to him as an act of righteousness.

Abram had to put a lot of faith in the Lord because when he looked up at the sky to count the stars, it was DAYTIME.  He couldn’t see any stars, unless you count the sun.  So either he counted to zero or one...

Sarai (still had her old name) was frustrated that she was infertile, so she gave her servant to Abram as a concubine.  (I’m so glad we don’t do this anymore.) The servant became pregnant and had a son named Ishmael.  Then God appeared to Abram, made a covenant with him complete with name changes, and promised him that his wife would bear a son.  Abraham laughed.  Later he had some heavenly visitors.

Genesis 18:10-15
One of them said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah will then have a son." Sarah was listening at the entrance of the tent, just behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in years, and Sarah had stopped having her womanly periods. So Sarah laughed to herself and said, "Now that I am so withered and my husband is so old, am I still to have sexual pleasure?" But the Lord said to Abraham: "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Shall I really bear a child, old as I am?' Is anything too marvelous for the Lord to do? At the appointed time, about this time next year, I will return to you, and Sarah will have a son." Because she was afraid, Sarah dissembled, saying, "I didn't laugh." But he said, "Yes you did."

I would have laughed too, if I were her.  :)

Genesis 21:1-7
The Lord took note of Sarah as he had said he would; he did for her as he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time that God had stated. Abraham gave the name Isaac to this son of his whom Sarah bore him. When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God had commanded. Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him. Sarah then said, "God has given me cause to laugh, and all who hear of it will laugh with me. Who would have told Abraham," she added, "that Sarah would nurse children! Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."

Rebekah

Genesis 25:20-21
Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah, the daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Paddan-aram and the sister of Laban the Aramean.  Isaac entreated the Lord on behalf of his wife, since she was sterile. The Lord heard his entreaty, and Rebekah became pregnant.

The husband prayed, and the wife ended up pregnant with twins.  Too bad that’s not a common precedent…although it did take 20 years for God to answer the prayer.  ;)

Rachel

Jacob fell in love with Rachel and asked her father (aka Uncle Laban) if he could marry her.  Laban agreed, but only after Jacob served him for seven years.  After the seven years, Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah, Rachel’s older sister.  (sounds like some shady undertakings…Laban sneaked Leah into Jacob’s tent when it was dark)  Laban claimed it wasn’t their custom to marry off the younger sibling before the older one.  Laban promised Jacob he could marry Rachel after an additional seven years of service.  Jacob agreed, but I bet he was really mad.  Finally he married Rachel.  Was it happy ever after?  No.  Leah was superfertile, and Rachel was infertile.  Leah wasn’t happy either because she knew Jacob loved Rachel more than her.

Genesis 30:1-2
When Rachel saw that she failed to bear children to Jacob, she became envious of her sister. She said to Jacob, "Give me children or I shall die!" In anger Jacob retorted, "Can I take the place of God, who has denied you the fruit of the womb?"

Rachel gave her maidservant to Jacob to impregnate in place of her.  Rachel counted the two maidservant’s sons as her own.  (I’m not sure this really cured her infertility, but it seemed to satisfy her...)  Then Leah experienced a little secondary infertility, so she did the same with her maidservant, who had two sons.  Leah did conceive again three times, and she attributed the return of her fertility to the fact that she let her maidservant sleep with Jacob.  (strange logic…)

Genesis 30:22-24
Then God remembered Rachel; he heard her prayer and made her fruitful. She conceived and bore a son, and she said, "God has removed my disgrace." So she named him Joseph, meaning, "May the Lord add another son to this one for me!"

Rachel was not afraid to ask a lot from God; she gave birth to a baby and immediately asked God for another one.  She did become pregnant again, but died during childbirth.

Hannah

1 Samuel 1:2,4-6
[Elkanah] had two wives, one named Hannah, the other Peninnah; Peninnah had children, but Hannah was childless.  . . .  When the day came for Elkanah to offer sacrifice, he used to give a portion each to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters, but a double portion to Hannah because he loved her, though the Lord had made her barren. Her rival, to upset her, turned it into a constant reproach to her that the Lord had left her barren.

Can you imagine that?  Constantly ridiculed by your husband’s other wife because you’re infertile.  Talk about miserable.

1 Samuel 1:7-8
This went on year after year; each time they made their pilgrimage to the sanctuary of the Lord, Peninnah would approach her, and Hannah would weep and refuse to eat. Her husband Elkanah used to ask her: "Hannah, why do you weep, and why do you refuse to eat? Why do you grieve? Am I not more to you than ten sons?"

I like Elkanah.  That last line sounds like something DH would say to me.  :)

1 Samuel 1:9-16
Hannah rose after one such meal at Shiloh, and presented herself before the Lord; at the time, Eli the priest was sitting on a chair near the doorpost of the Lord’s temple. In her bitterness she prayed to the Lord, weeping copiously, and she made a vow, promising: "O Lord of hosts, if you look with pity on the misery of your handmaid, if you remember me and do not forget me, if you give your handmaid a male child, I will give him to the Lord for as long as he lives; neither wine nor liquor shall he drink, and no razor shall ever touch his head." As she remained long at prayer before the Lord, Eli watched her mouth, for Hannah was praying silently; though her lips were moving, her voice could not be heard. Eli, thinking her drunk, said to her, "How long will you make a drunken show of yourself? Sober up from your wine!"  "It isn't that, my lord," Hannah answered. "I am an unhappy woman. I have had neither wine nor liquor; I was only pouring out my troubles to the Lord. Do not think your handmaid a ne'er-do-well; my prayer has been prompted by my deep sorrow and misery."

Drunk woman or just sad woman who is praying?  I know I would confuse the two also.  Common mistake.  ;)

1 Samuel 1:19-20
When Elkanah had relations with his wife Hannah, the Lord remembered her.  She conceived, and at the end of her term bore a son whom she called Samuel, since she had asked the Lord for him.

Elizabeth

Luke 1:5-7
In the days of Herod, King of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah of the priestly division of Abijah; his wife was from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. Both were righteous in the eyes of God, observing all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blamelessly. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren and both were advanced in years.

Note how they’re described as righteous…a great example for us childless couples.

Luke 1:12-20
Zechariah was troubled by what he saw, and fear came upon him. But the angel said to him, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, because your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall name him John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the sight of (the) Lord. He will drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will be filled with the holy Spirit even from his mother's womb, and he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God. He will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah to turn the hearts of fathers toward children and the disobedient to the understanding of the righteous, to prepare a people fit for the Lord." Then Zechariah said to the angel, "How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is advanced in years." And the angel said to him in reply, "I am Gabriel, who stand before God. I was sent to speak to you and to announce to you this good news. But now you will be speechless and unable to talk until the day these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled at their proper time."

Gabriel either was having a bad day or needs to lighten up.  When God told Abraham that Sarah would conceive, he laughed and asked how it could be possible…and God didn’t strike him mute.  :)

Luke 1:24-25
After this time his wife Elizabeth conceived, and she went into seclusion for five months, saying, "So has the Lord done for me at a time when he has seen fit to take away my disgrace before others."

Disgrace before others…yeah, I can relate to that.  It was probably worse for Elizabeth, but there are definitely parallels today.

Wishing for greener pastures

When I interviewed for my current job, I remember my boss asking me the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"  I immediately thought, "I hope to be a stay-at-home mom by then."  Realizing that's not the best thing to say on a job interview, I answered with something more relevant for the situation.  Now it's almost five years later.  How I answered the question has since come true, even though I'd had other plans at the time.  I truly remember thinking that this job would just be temporary until DH got established in his job and we had kids.  I guess that could still be true but this "temporary" is lasting a lot longer than I anticipated...  ;)  My job is a good fit for me, I like what I do, and my boss is great.  But in the end, it's just a job.  It's challenging and has a positive impact on the world, but it doesn't fulfill me.  I am content with it and also with being an FCP, but I would drop it all in a second to stay at home.  (I'd even be a stay-at-home wife without kids...)  I've felt for a long time a strong call to motherhood.  I have what seems like an insatiable desire for children...lots of children.  It started before we were married, and IF certainly hasn't diminished it.  ;)  I remember spending time with a family with five small children and wondered how could that ever be enough children... How could you not want to add #6, #7, #8, etc.?  More kids meant more joyful faces and more souls for God.  Of course parenting is hard work, but what could be more fulfilling than raising souls to get to heaven?  Those were my plans.  God seems to have other plans, at least so far.  

So for the foreseeable future, my time is spent at my job...which was never in my mind supposed to be the be-all and end-all for me, but now becomes the main focus because what else is there?  The temporary, back-up plan is now the front-and-center plan.  The thought of spending the next five or more years at my job just doesn't sound all that appealing because my heart wishes it were elsewhere.  It's not a question of finding a different job; I think the one I have is great, and it fits my skills well.  (It also happens to provide very decent health insurance without which most of our IF treatments would not be possible.)  It's just that in my heart no job can compete with motherhood.  I know it doesn't help to always think the grass is greener somewhere else, especially when the chance to become a mother seems elusive right now, and there are no guarantees it will ever happen, but it's hard—so hard—to give up a dream or put it on the shelf for an unknown period of time.  I know working on being more grateful for my job (and everything else good in my life, especially my marriage) would be a better focus for now.  And maybe asking God what He wants for me today would be better than trying to look at things long term...

Beyond that, I probably need to reread the book Life Shouldn't Look Like This: Dealing with Disappointment in the Light of Faith by Dr. Gregory Popcak.  He's a Catholic psychologist who does telephone counseling.  I used to listen to his show on Catholic radio all the time.  From what I remember from the book, he talks about how to deal with big disappointments in life.  He gives brief examples from his clients, including a woman longing her whole life for motherhood, only to marry later in life and then learn she's IF.  He doesn't expand on that particular scenario—though I remember wishing he wrote a whole chapter on what advice he gave her, especially knowing that he and his wife faced fertility problems in their own marriage (miscarriage and secondary infertility)—but the whole book is written to address any major situation like that.  Other anecdotes he gives are a single person who longed to marry but never found a spouse, a woman whose husband died not long after their wedding, a man who feels stuck in a dead-end job but has to support his family, and someone whose spouse had an affair and left.  The main advice he gives is that we have to pursue meaning, intimacy, and virtue in our lives no matter what crosses we face.  The book goes into detail how to do that in order to find joy in any situation.  I definitely recommend it. (I have no incentive for writing this! haha)  Just thought I'd mention it if other IFers would find that kind of advice useful.  Time to go pull out my copy from the bookshelf...

Note:  It seems that the book I mentioned above is out of print, but there are used copies available.  Dr. Popcak has a newer book that sounds very similar called The Life God Wants You to Have: Discovering the Divine Plan When Human Plans Fail.  I haven't read that one, but it looks good.

Sneak peek inside "The Infertility Companion for Catholics"

I am excited to be part of the blog tour helping to spread the word about this great book!

Book description from Ave Maria Press:

"One in every six United States couples experiences infertility but Catholic couples face additional confusion, worry, and frustration as they explore the medical options available to them. Filling a major void in Catholic resources, The Infertility Companion for Catholics is the first book to address not only the medical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of infertility, but also the particular needs of Catholic couples who desire to understand and follow Church teaching on the use of assisted reproductive technology.

Authors Angelique Ruhi-López and Carmen Santamaría offer the support and wisdom gained in their own struggles with infertility. They describe the options that Catholic couples can pursue in seeking to conceive, many of which are not ordinarily presented by the medical community. In an encouraging and non-judgmental tone, they address both husbands and wives and help them recognize the emotional impact of infertility on their relationship.

The Infertility Companion for Catholics presents a variety of spiritual resources including prayers, devotions, and the wisdom of the saints and provides suggestions for further reading of reference materials, Catholic documents, and Catholic blogs about infertility."

Now for the sneak peek!  Here is an excerpt from Chapter 7:  "Bearing the Cross:  A Spirituality of Infertility."

Saying Yes to the Cross

Before Jesus literally took up his own cross, he prayed on the Mount of Olives: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done” (Lk 22:42).

So often, I prayed to God to take away the cup of infertility and send us a baby.  Unlike Jesus, however, I tended to omit the “not my will but yours be done” part.  After all, wasn’t my will superior to his?

That veil of self-deception was lifted from my eyes when I started praying St. Ignatius’s Principle and Foundation, found in chapter 2. The call to be passionately indifferent is what struck me the most when I first encountered Ignatius’s Principle and Foundation while coming to terms with infertility. I was drawn to the invitation to establish order in our lives to enable the transforming love of God to penetrate us.

Being indifferent, then, is having the freedom to constantly love and serve, to go beyond our comfort zones and allow God to weave his will into our lives. A priest I know, Fr. Manuel Maza, S.J., says it’s not about making plans and then asking God to conform his plans to ours; it’s about praying, “God, give me plans.”

Just as it is important to be indifferent in discernment, it is equally important to strive for indifference in our struggle with infertility. Indifference evolves toward openness and commitment. It means putting God’s will above all else and seeking to love whatever God wants us to love. It also requires that we not prefer “riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life” (SE 23). The same concept can be applied to infertility in that God calls us to not prefer sickness to health or infertility to fertility.

To be indifferent to the outcome is not to be indifferent to God’s will. To the contrary, it means to be so passionately in love with God that one says yes to his will, even if that means taking up a heavy cross. Being indifferent is a grace from God, and it is necessary to ask God for it. However, saying yes to the cross of infertility is not something that happens overnight, nor do we have to carry this cross alone. We must be patient with ourselves and realize that it is a decision we make daily, with God’s help.

I can’t say that I ever achieved the complete indifference to which we’re called, and I probably didn’t relinquish as much control as I would have liked, but prayer did help me surrender a lot (okay, some) of the control to God. Praying for the grace of indifference and making the effort to trust in God’s will is a part of the journey of infertility.

It is important to acknowledge the suffering associated with infertility, since one way of managing the pain is to face it. In time we can learn to embrace the cross—otherwise, how do we carry something if we don’t fully embrace it? It is so much hard to carry something if we are not putting all of our effort into it. Pray for the courage and strength; remember that the Bible tells us not be afraid 365 times—enough to remind us every day of the year!

As with continuous exercise, carrying our cross helps us build endurance and makes bearing the cross somewhat easier. There are some days when we feel weak and the load doesn’t seem so light, but as we accept God’s will and grow in his grace, the load doesn’t seem as heavy. It may simply be that we become used to carrying it around, but the very act of accepting and carrying the cross helps us on our journey.

SE=Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius

I have a copy of the book to give away!  Please leave a comment to be entered.  You are seriously going to love this book.  It's like having the best of the IF blog community in a single resource.  Consider buying it for yourself if you don't win a copy.  I am definitely going to start recommending it to my Catholic IF clients.

Visit the other blogs on the tour!