I asked for an egg

It was that gospel reading this past Sunday.  The one that if you’re infertile (or have any unanswered prayer) it makes you feel really uneasy if you listen to it at face value—like you’re doing something wrong or not praying enough or just not worthy of having your prayer answered.  I’ve asked God a thousand times to heal our infertility and allow us to conceive, yet He hasn’t said yes to that particular prayer.

So this was my brain during the second half of the gospel reading…

Luke 11:9-13	polkadot
And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.	Okay, I’ve been asking to conceive for a long time.  Why isn’t the door opening for me?
For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.	Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.
What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish?	Shoot.  Can’t stop the tears.  Just don’t make a sound.  Deep breath.  Calm down.  No sobbing in church.  Don’t make a scene.  Your parents are sitting on the other side of DH.  Thank goodness the pew is empty to your right.
Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg?	But I asked for an egg (baby).  Wow, that’s a lot of tears.  They just keep coming.  Don’t move.  Don’t draw attention to yourself.  You can grab a tissue when you sit for the homily.
If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children,	This homily better be good.  I hope he addresses this point.  I know this gospel isn’t about getting everything you want, but I still want to conceive.  It’s just my human desires talking here.  Why does it feel like I’ve been given a scorpion instead of an egg?
how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?	The “egg” is the Holy Spirit.  See??  It’s not about getting what you want.  It’s about getting the Holy Spirit.  But I still want a baby.  Lots of babies.  I hope the priest clarifies this.

Note there were two voices in my head competing for space and dominance…one in purple (human/emotional side) and one in red (rational/faithful side) above.

The priest’s homily was precisely what I needed to hear.  I’m sure he wrote it just for me.  A minute or so into it, it struck me how good it was, and I was very close to turning on my cell phone so I could record it.  I decided not to because my phone takes a while to turn on.  I probably wouldn’t have been able to record much because the homily was very short.

His main point was: God’s will is exactly what we would choose for ourselves if we had all the facts.  We don’t have all the facts.  Therefore, we have to trust that what God wills for us and gives us is what we need in order to increase our holiness to ultimately end up in heaven for all eternity.  Even when life is difficult and we face suffering or pain, we have to remember that God sees the whole picture and can see the fruits that will come from each trial.  He wants us in heaven.  The road to heaven may not be easy.  In fact it probably won’t be easy.  But He wants us to keep persevering through all the hardships we face.

It reminds me of something a favorite priest of mine used to say, “God didn’t create us so that we’d have a great, happy time here on earth.  He created us so we’d have a great, happy time with Him in heaven.”  That’s not to say He wants us to be miserable during our lifetime, but rather that this life’s purpose is directed toward eternity and should be viewed in light of it.

I know in my heart that God is not Santa Claus.  He doesn’t give me everything I ask for, even if I make a nice list and keep reminding Him of said list.  He gives me what I need.  He will gladly answer any prayer that would help me become more holy.  As much as I would like to think that I know what would fit that criteria (e.g. I think having a child would make me more holy), I don’t get the final say.  I will still continue to ask, but always with the caveat of “if it is Your will, God.”

“My Lord and my God, you created me to praise, reverence, and serve You, and by this means to save my soul.  The other things on the face of the earth You created for me, to help me in attaining the end for which I was created.  Help me, therefore, to make use of them insofar as they lead me to my end, and to rid myself of them insofar as they prove a hindrance to me.  Aid me by Your grace to make myself indifferent to all created things, as far as I am allowed free choice and under no prohibition.  May I not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, or a long life to a short life.  But let my one desire and choice ever be what is more conducive to the end for which I was created.”

~St. Ignatius of Loyola, whose feast day was July 31