IF girl goes to confession

I brace myself a bit before going to confession. Not because I dislike going (though there is the usual internal wince beforehand at the thought of telling my major faults to someone else), but because I'm going to bring up my infertility in context, and I don't know how the priest will respond. Priests are people too. They may or may not have more experience than the average person with an infertile girl. I have heard quite a range of comments in the confessional from pearls of wisdom to platitudes to comments that leave me speechless with my mouth hanging open. ("Did he really just say THAT?")

I usually go in hoping the priest decides to focus his counsel on my sins (and that fact that some of them stem from this suffering I am going through) and not try to give me advice specifically about infertility. I assume a priest would have a lot of experience in counseling someone who is suffering and sinning at the same time. The majority of the time, I am grateful for the advice and direction the priest gives me, but there have been a couple times that were not so edifying.

Here are some of the more memorable things priests have said to me during confession over the past few years.

Priest:  I bet by this time next year you'll have a child.

At that point we had not conceived in nine cycles of TTC.  (I could pinpoint the date because it's a parish we go to once a year, and I remember the priest specifically.)  Since it was early in our IF days, the priest might have been thinking that the odds were on his side (well, DH and my side) that we'd get pregnant within the next year.  Although if he meant that we'd be holding a child within a year, that only left three months to get pregnant, and that's a pretty small window.  Anyway...the priest was very kind and had a gentle tone, so I remember giving him a half smile and nodding along with him.  He just sounded so reassuring that this would be a very temporary situation.  As soon as I left, I snapped out of the happy daze I was in.  I wondered what had come over me that I believed him or that him saying that was in any way helpful...  It wasn't helpful.  He had no way of knowing the medical issues that were (and are still) preventing us from conceiving or how difficult they would be to treat.

Priest:  You just have to be patient.

Ah, patience.  That seems to the be the default answer for everything.  Oh, you're suffering?  Just be patient, and it'll go away eventually.  For many things, that might be true, but what if we never conceive?  Is the priest implying I should be patient until death?  He probably said that because he didn't know what else to say and wanted to say something of comfort.  I really dislike platitudes about IF...

I guess it was the way it was phrased that rubbed me the wrong way.  I know patience is so important in general and for IF specifically.  I have had other priests tell me to pray for patience, which I have been doing for a while, and it didn't bother me when they gave me that advice.

Priest: Would you describe yourself as an uptight person?
Me: ?
Priest:  I think you just need to relax [and then you'll get pregnant].

First, let me say that after hearing a list of a person's sins, I can see how it might be a bit difficult to see the good side of a person.  Hi, we've never met before three minutes ago, you can't see my face because I'm behind a screen, and I just told you the worst things about me.  That's going to leave a positive and accurate impression of me as an entire person, isn't it?  Anyway, if I am uptight, which I never considered myself to be before that day but now I'm wondering if I am (but who wants to admit they're uptight?), it's probably related to my personality or temperament, which would be very difficult to change.  Relax?  Oh, okay.  I hadn't thought of that.  What a logical solution!  I'll just ignore all the stress and pain related to IF and act like I don't have a worry or care in the world.  I'll become a different person overnight.  And then I will miraculously get pregnant right away.  (Because obviously we weren't relaxed when we started TTC and we didn't know we were IF...)

If there hadn't been a line of people behind me an hour long, I would have tried to tell the priest that this "relaxing will cure infertility" myth is just that, a myth.  I'm not sure how charitable I would have been because as soon as he said the word relax, inside my head was screaming, "DO YOU HAVE A CLUE OF WHAT CAUSES INFERTILITY?  RELAXING DOES NOT CURE ENDOMETRIOSIS OR THE INFECTION IN MY UTERUS OR ANY OTHER HOST OF GYNECOLOGIC PROBLEMS THAT CAUSE INFERTILITY."  But I bit my tongue and let him talk.  I was mad.  (not a good way to leave confession)  :(  I was very glad to be behind the screen.  I was also glad this was a visiting priest from another state; I would not be revisiting his confessional ever.

Priest: I don't understand why you're not pregnant yet.  God must have a really good reason for this.

My pastor said this to me recently.  He has known about our infertility since my first surgery two years ago and has told me periodically that he has been praying for us.  (He said it again after the confession.)  He doesn't know any of the medical issues specifically.  I could have told him, "Well, I've never had all of my problems fixed at the same time.  Surgery two years ago removed the endo, but the uterine infection wasn't treated until last summer, and by then my endo had most likely returned..."  But I didn't think he needed all the details.

After he said this, he told me a story from his past about a time where he faced a difficult situation he wished were different (his mom was in the hospital for over a month at the end of her life).  He said everyday he asked God to allow her to go home from the hospital so she could die at home but that if it was His will for her to remain, he would humbly accept it.  He said he knew how much we wanted a child, but if God was going to allow us to continue on childless, He would want our humble submission as well.  I guess I'll just trust that God does have a really good reason.  :)

Priest: God always gives us what we need...and sometimes what we want.

I like how simple this statement is and how well it sums up how God answers prayer.  I really appreciate the reminder.  I know that praying for children is a good thing and that they should be the natural product of marriage (assuming healthy reproductive systems), but ultimately I am praying for what I want.  It feels freeing to admit that I don't need a child.  I recently heard this, "If you need someone, you can't truly love them."  I've been thinking about this a lot and hoping that it would help me love a child better, if we were so blessed.

Priest: We have to trust God like a little child.  A child doesn't worry if his dad is going to be able to pay the rent; he just trusts that his dad will take care of him no matter what.

This is an important reminder for when I'm going through any kind of suffering or waiting, but I think it is so key for approaching infertility.  I may not get what I want or have things happen on my timeline, but I know that no matter what God is always with me and will bring me through anything.

Priest: Look to Mary.  She understands what it's like not to have things go according to human plans.  She became pregnant before she was married.  Soon after Jesus was born she had to flee to Egypt, a foreign land where she knew no one.  She watched her son be crucified.  Yet she still trusted God.  Ask her to pray for you.

I've never had a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother.  Before TTC, I thought that devotion might increase once I became a mother because then I'd be able to relate to her more closely having that in common.  It was always something I thought I'd do later.  Yet this priest reminded me that I don't need to wait until I'm a mother.  There is plenty about her life to ponder and be inspired by now. 



These have been the IF-related comments that stand out most in my memory.  What has your experience been in bringing up infertility during confession?