Reflections on four years

So it's getting to be the end of the cycle, and I'm trying not to think too much about it or worry, but you all know how that goes...much easier said than done.  I haven’t had any post-peak symptoms that are different from any other previous cycle, just some breast tenderness which I almost always have.  PMS was super mild this month.  Sometimes it rears its ugly head a day or two before I start the HCG, but not this cycle, which was nice.  I took my waking temperature two days ago for my monthly T3 monitoring, and it was kind of low, so I estimated I was about two days from AF arriving.  Also two days ago I had my usual what I call “cloud of sadness.”  Fairly often 24-48 hours before AF starts I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I can’t shake.  I wasn’t even thinking about IF or AF or DH’s continued unemployment or anything sad; I was just going about my day and then like with a snap of the fingers I felt instant sadness.  I feel like I did most of my crying already in the last two days, so if/when AF comes, I might be all cried out. (if that’s possible)  ;)  Right now I sort of dread going to the bathroom because I just don’t want to know if AF has started.  I guess I still have hope because it’s not over until the fat lady (AF) sings.  I wouldn’t mind taking a three-day nap so I could wake up and find out what happens and bypass all this time of limbo that is doing nothing good for my sanity.  :)

I do think I could win an award for the most delusional in-hopes-of-pregnancy moment.  It happened five days after my good mucus started. (Normally this would be prime time for ovulation.)  Almost exactly 24 hours after writing an i on the chart, I developed a headache, upset stomach, and fatigue to the point of falling asleep on a chair in the living room.  I couldn't really explain what caused any of the three or especially why they all happened at the same time, so where does my mind go?  I must be pregnant, of course!  But then I thought it has to be impossible to have any symptoms that early...right?  I consulted Dr. Google.  Unfortunately I found anecdotes from women who had symptoms a day after conception.  My delusional thinking didn't need any more support, but I had found it.  Now looking back at my chart, since I had another week of good mucus after that day, the chances that I actually ovulated that early are pretty much nonexistent.  You'd think after TTC for this long, I'd have learned to be a bit more rational in my thinking.  Or maybe I'm in complete denial of how crazy I've become and I need to be locked up somewhere...  ;)

I've been thinking recently about how we've been TTC for four years.  When the actual "anniversary" happened earlier this summer, I didn't realize it had come (and gone) until weeks later.  It was sort of an afterthought, "Oh, we've been TTC for four years now.  Hmmm.  That's a long time."  That's quite a different reaction than I had to the first and second TTC anniversaries where I watched the date approach for weeks ahead of time and when the actual day arrived I moped around sad and depressed.  Maybe over time has come more acceptance that this is how it is for us, so the milestones don't play as significant a role anymore.  That's not to say that the grief isn't still there--it definitely is--but that the sad times where I'm dwelling on IF and what it means to not have children seem to occur less frequently.  If it's possible though, I think the pain has gotten deeper over time, either because each cycle compounds the pain from before or because the longer we go it seems the less likely we may ever conceive (ignoring the fact that medically we have our best chance now).  I still struggle with the weight of this cross, and I still ask God to remove it if it be His will.  I know this is my path to heaven, but the human side of me wishes things were different.  I trust God that He's looking out for me though.  :) 

It's still hit or miss when others announce a pregnancy if I'll be able to share in their joy or just want to go cry in a corner somewhere because it's a reminder of my own wounds.  A friend recently shared her pregnancy news with me, and I was 90% happy and 10% sad.  She was extremely sensitive in the way she shared it because she remembered what it was like to be on the receiving end of BFP news that was not her own.  It took them ten months to conceive, which may not sound like that long, but she had been given a diagnosis years ago which meant she might not be able to conceive and if she did, she'd be at very high risk of miscarriage.  I remember her wedding last year distinctly because she's the only person I know who included most of the saints who are considered patrons of infertility in the litany of saints sung during the wedding Mass.  Most are not included in typical litany lists, so they stuck out to me:  St. Anne & St. Joachim, St. Elizabeth & Zechariah, St. Gianna, St. Gerard, and St. Anthony.  It just broke my heart to hear them asking for their intercessions as they were beginning their marriage, so I'm not surprised that I was able to (mostly) rejoice with her.  I don't handle all pregnancy announcements that well.  I think a lot of it depends on where in the cycle I am and when the last announcement was.  I can handle one BFP every once in a while much better than three in a week.

And speaking of BFPs...

Remember earlier this year I saw a BFP license plate and then saw an AF one in the same week?  Lately I've been seeing AF license plates rather frequently.  It's like they are following me around or something.  I knew there was someone at our parish who had one, but this past Sunday, there was not one, not two, but three (three!!) AF license plates all parked in the same vicinity.  Two were parked next to each other.  Seriously, what are the chances??  I just rolled my eyes...


But then I came home to see this sitting on the floor: 

Just some random letters on the flap of a box...

So that made me feel a little better...  If this end-of-the-cycle limbo doesn't drive me certifiably crazy, these random messages just might.  ;)

Saturday update:  AF is here.