Advent and IF

I know Advent is almost over, but I came across these words of Pope Benedict from a sermon he gave to college students in 1964 and wanted to share them.

"That is why daring to talk to God out of the trial of our darkness, as Job did, is a part of the Christian life. It is not part of that life for us to suppose that we can present only half of our existence to God and have to spare him the rest because we might annoy him. No, it is precisely to him that we can and we must bring, in complete honesty, the whole burden of our life. We are rather too inclined to forget that in the Book of Job, handed down to us in Holy Scripture, at the end of the drama God declares Job to be righteous–Job, who has hurled the most outrageous accusations at God–while he rejects Job’s friends as speakers of falsehood, those friends who had defended God and had found some kind of good sense and answer for everything.

Observing Advent simply means talking with God the way Job did. It means just seeing the whole reality and burden of our Christian life without fear and bringing it before the face of God, as judge and savior, even if, like Job, we have no answer to give about it all, and the only thing left is to leave it to God himself to answer and to tell him how we are standing here in our darkness with no answers."

~from What It Means to Be a Christian by Joseph Ratzinger

To me this describes life with infertility quite well, not just during Advent.  I feel like my whole journey with IF has been learning how to show God all the ugly sides that I wish weren't there.  But I can see that it's especially relevant during Advent because while the Church is telling me to rejoice and prepare for the Lord's coming and have hope, I'm looking at my life wondering if I'm just supposed to ignore all the suffering in my life, at least until after Christmas, so as not to put a damper on the season.  So I really appreciate what the pope said above about not having to ignore the burdens we're facing in order to observe Advent.  Our priest on Sunday reminded us that our reason for rejoicing (especially on Gaudete Sunday) is not based on what's going on in our lives as tempting as that is (e.g. my world is falling apart so I don't feel like rejoicing); it's based totally on Christ, and it doesn't matter if we "feel" like rejoicing or not.

In some ways I do feel like Job--the part about telling God that I'm standing here in my darkness without answers, not the part about hurling outrageous accusations (I have questions, maybe, but not accusations).  I thought infertility and a cycle that seems to be getting worse rather than better was plenty cross for me, but then DH's job loss happened.  It made IF alone look a lot better; at least it's a familiar cross.  Then a few days later my favorite and only living grandparent went into the hospital because she was tired.  Grandma left with a heart diagnosis (estimated up to two years left) and cancer.  She noticed the mass (tumor) years ago but didn't tell her doctor because it wasn't bothering her.  Now it's too big to remove with surgery.  She's electing not to do chemo or radiation because of her heart condition.  I know my grandma won't live forever, but the thought of her being that sick breaks my heart.  She is the glue that holds the family together.  I look forward to seeing her at Christmas, but I imagine it just won't be the same.  Needless to say it's been a very hard Advent.  God, I'm standing here in my darkness.  Light of Christ, please come.  Dear prayer buddy, this is all offered up for you.