Giveaway winner

The winner of a copy of The Infertility Companion for Catholics is...

BlessedBeLord!

For those of you who don't have the book yet, check out the other blogs on the blog tour for a chance to win.  Each blogger has a copy to give away!

Sneak peek inside "The Infertility Companion for Catholics"

I am excited to be part of the blog tour helping to spread the word about this great book!

Book description from Ave Maria Press:

"One in every six United States couples experiences infertility but Catholic couples face additional confusion, worry, and frustration as they explore the medical options available to them. Filling a major void in Catholic resources, The Infertility Companion for Catholics is the first book to address not only the medical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of infertility, but also the particular needs of Catholic couples who desire to understand and follow Church teaching on the use of assisted reproductive technology.

Authors Angelique Ruhi-López and Carmen Santamaría offer the support and wisdom gained in their own struggles with infertility. They describe the options that Catholic couples can pursue in seeking to conceive, many of which are not ordinarily presented by the medical community. In an encouraging and non-judgmental tone, they address both husbands and wives and help them recognize the emotional impact of infertility on their relationship.

The Infertility Companion for Catholics presents a variety of spiritual resources including prayers, devotions, and the wisdom of the saints and provides suggestions for further reading of reference materials, Catholic documents, and Catholic blogs about infertility."

Now for the sneak peek!  Here is an excerpt from Chapter 7:  "Bearing the Cross:  A Spirituality of Infertility."

Saying Yes to the Cross

Before Jesus literally took up his own cross, he prayed on the Mount of Olives: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done” (Lk 22:42).

So often, I prayed to God to take away the cup of infertility and send us a baby.  Unlike Jesus, however, I tended to omit the “not my will but yours be done” part.  After all, wasn’t my will superior to his?

That veil of self-deception was lifted from my eyes when I started praying St. Ignatius’s Principle and Foundation, found in chapter 2. The call to be passionately indifferent is what struck me the most when I first encountered Ignatius’s Principle and Foundation while coming to terms with infertility. I was drawn to the invitation to establish order in our lives to enable the transforming love of God to penetrate us.

Being indifferent, then, is having the freedom to constantly love and serve, to go beyond our comfort zones and allow God to weave his will into our lives. A priest I know, Fr. Manuel Maza, S.J., says it’s not about making plans and then asking God to conform his plans to ours; it’s about praying, “God, give me plans.”

Just as it is important to be indifferent in discernment, it is equally important to strive for indifference in our struggle with infertility. Indifference evolves toward openness and commitment. It means putting God’s will above all else and seeking to love whatever God wants us to love. It also requires that we not prefer “riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life” (SE 23). The same concept can be applied to infertility in that God calls us to not prefer sickness to health or infertility to fertility.

To be indifferent to the outcome is not to be indifferent to God’s will. To the contrary, it means to be so passionately in love with God that one says yes to his will, even if that means taking up a heavy cross. Being indifferent is a grace from God, and it is necessary to ask God for it. However, saying yes to the cross of infertility is not something that happens overnight, nor do we have to carry this cross alone. We must be patient with ourselves and realize that it is a decision we make daily, with God’s help.

I can’t say that I ever achieved the complete indifference to which we’re called, and I probably didn’t relinquish as much control as I would have liked, but prayer did help me surrender a lot (okay, some) of the control to God. Praying for the grace of indifference and making the effort to trust in God’s will is a part of the journey of infertility.

It is important to acknowledge the suffering associated with infertility, since one way of managing the pain is to face it. In time we can learn to embrace the cross—otherwise, how do we carry something if we don’t fully embrace it? It is so much hard to carry something if we are not putting all of our effort into it. Pray for the courage and strength; remember that the Bible tells us not be afraid 365 times—enough to remind us every day of the year!

As with continuous exercise, carrying our cross helps us build endurance and makes bearing the cross somewhat easier. There are some days when we feel weak and the load doesn’t seem so light, but as we accept God’s will and grow in his grace, the load doesn’t seem as heavy. It may simply be that we become used to carrying it around, but the very act of accepting and carrying the cross helps us on our journey.

SE=Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius

I have a copy of the book to give away!  Please leave a comment to be entered.  You are seriously going to love this book.  It's like having the best of the IF blog community in a single resource.  Consider buying it for yourself if you don't win a copy.  I am definitely going to start recommending it to my Catholic IF clients.

Visit the other blogs on the tour!

Emotional battlefield

I'm normally an optimistic, look-on-the-bright-side-of-things sort of person, but life with IF is not always sunshine and roses.  While I'd rather write about hopeful things, I wanted to touch on some of what I've been going through that is not so pleasant.  I had written about grief and the emotions that go along with it a while ago, but that didn't cover all of the negative emotions related to IF that I've experienced.  The main three that I find myself battling most often are numbness, apathy, and shame.

Numbness

I usually feel numb when it comes to others' children.  It's a defense mechanism, I presume, so that I can survive in public where other people's children exist.  Sometimes it seems the only way I can face babies or children is if I bundle up all the sorrow and heartache of IF and hide it behind a wall of numbness.  It's how I make it through Mass if we're sitting behind a family with a baby without falling to pieces in the pew.  I sometimes even manage to smile at the baby, but usually I stare with a blank expression and almost marvel at the fact that other people can have babies...so much has to go right in order to conceive that it sometimes boggles my mind at how many people are able to have kids.

When a good friend with several children shared news of her latest pregnancy, my first reaction was numbness, a complete absence of any emotion.  I gave an automatic congratulatory response, but I did not (or could not) share in her joy (and jealousy wasn't involved...this time, anyway).  I wish I could have mustered up a little happiness inside, but I was pretty much mostly just numb. 

Other people have kids.  Four pregnancy announcements in two weeks.  That's how it goes right now.

One way I've tried to deal with this numbness is to make a point to remind myself that all children are blessings from God and that I should be rejoicing with my friends for this new life, apart from what is going on with our fertility (or lack thereof).  Sometimes I'll think, "Thank you, God, for this child."  Making that conscious effort does seem to help.  Maybe if I think it enough in my head my heart will feel like cooperating at some point...and maybe I need to pray for more grace because I am certainly not capable of making this change on my own.

I should note that I do experience genuine happiness and joy when an IFer becomes pregnant or adopts.  So I just need to figure out how to be less restrictive in the happy emotions.  :)

Apathy

"I just don't care anymore." 

I find myself feeling this from time to time.  I try to fight against it and tell myself it's not true and that I do care, but it's tiresome.  It's a lie and an easy temptation for me to fall into.  Usually the thought comes to mind when I look back at all the medical tests and treatments we've done and how long we've been TTC.  It can get overwhelming when looking at everything on our IF journey as a whole.  It's common when AF arrives, and it's hard to have hope when what you've tried so far hasn't worked.  It really is tempting to say, "Let's just stop all treatments because they're never going to work anyway." When you continue treatments, the fear of disappointment and failure is always there. I know it's always an option to stop treatments, but I don't want the reason for us stopping to be that I don't care anymore.  (I want more thought to go into it than just a sense of giving up.)  The truth is—and I have to remind myself of this—is that I do care; I care a great deal, and that's why we're doing the best we can to maximize our chances of conceiving right now.

The bad part about apathy is that it doesn't seem to be limited to IF-related things; it has this tendency to creep into my perspective on other things.  I'm not sure what the opposing virtue would be, but I think giving purpose to my daily activities ("God, I'm doing this task for you.") helps keep the apathetic feelings away.  It is a constant struggle though.

I will say that since recognizing I was slipping into apathy, making an effort to fight against it seems to be working pretty well.  It also could be that I’m more prone to apathy when AF arrives because I’m at my emotional low point, and when the black cloud lifts after a couple days, it’s easier to fight against it.

Shame

I am embarrassed when people ask me how long we've been married and then ask if we have kids.  I am especially embarrassed when a new non-IF CrMS client asks if we have kids.  I am embarrassed when we go to Mass because we've been going to our parish for a while.  We stick out because we're one of the only "young" couples, and we don't have kids, and I'm obviously not sporting a baby bump.  (I am small so it would be readily apparent. I have seen people sneak a quick look...hello, my face is up here, not at my belly button.)  I hate that it appears that we're not open to life or that we're contracepting.  Sometimes we get comments from older married people we know at our parish like, "Oh, when you have kids..." or worse "Oh, when you decide to have kids..." and I cringe inside.  A while ago I was in a small group who read and studied Humanae Vitae.  I remember talking about the concept of being open to life and being open to having a large family, and I felt like (others could easily view me as) a hypocrite because we don't have kids.  I didn't feel comfortable sharing that we were IF, and I also didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation about our current childlessness.

I know it doesn't matter what people think.  Sometimes I just wish that our witness of being open to life actually portrayed that instead of appearing to be the opposite.  And not necessarily for my sake so that I feel better—the world needs more visible witnesses to being open to life, since there seemingly are so few.

I know this is probably good for me to be mildly humiliated about our appearance of being not open to children because it's teaching me that only God's opinion matters and that I shouldn't be attached to the thought that others think well of me.

I saw this phrase on a sign in front of a church a while ago, and it has stuck with me ever since.  I wish I would have taken a picture.

Man sees the what
God sees the why

So true, especially for us IFers.

Prayer buddy reveal

This Lent I had the privilege of praying for Isaiah 55:8-9 as she waits to grow her family through pregnancy or adoption.  She found out that her profile will be shown to a birthmother this week.  I hope and pray she will have good news to share soon!!

Happy Easter!  Christ is Risen!

(Feel free to turn up the volume really loud and sing along.  That's what I do...)   ;) 

Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?
~1 Corinthians 15:55

He has been raised; he is not here.
~Mark 16:6

The saints on suffering

I thought I’d gather some words of wisdom from the saints on suffering for some inspiration and a reminder of the value of suffering, especially relevant during Holy Week.

“If we only knew the precious treasure hidden in infirmities, we would receive them with the same joy with which we receive the greatest benefits, and we would bear them without ever complaining or showing signs of weariness.”  ~St. Vincent de Paul

“When it is all over you will not regret having suffered; rather you will regret having suffered so little, and suffered that little so badly.”  ~St. Sebastian Valfre

“It is You, Jesus, stretched out on the cross, who gives me strength and are always close to the suffering soul. Creatures will abandon a person in his suffering, but You, O Lord, are faithful.” 
~St. Faustina

“Oh if only the suffering soul knew how it is loved by God, it would die of happiness! Some day we will know the value of suffering, but then we will no longer be able to suffer. The present moment is ours.”  ~St. Faustina

"...if God sends such great suffering to a soul, He upholds it with an even greater grace, although we are not aware of it. One act of trust at such moments gives greater glory to God than whole hours passed in prayer filled with consolations."  ~St. Faustina

"Only Jesus knows how burdensome and difficult it is to accomplish one's duties when the soul is so interiorly tortured, the physical powers so weakened and the mind darkened. In the silence of my heart I kept saying to myself, "O Christ, may delights, honor and glory be Yours, and suffering be mine. I will not lag one step behind as I follow You, though thorns wound my feet." 
~St. Faustina

"O my Jesus, despite the deep night that is all around me and the dark clouds which hide the horizon, I know that the sun never goes out. O Lord, though I cannot comprehend You and do not understand Your ways, I nonetheless trust in Your mercy. If it is Your will, Lord, that I live always in such darkness, may You be blessed. I ask You only one thing, Jesus: do not allow me to offend You in any way. O my Jesus, You alone know the longings and the sufferings of my heart. I am glad I can suffer for You, however little. When I feel that the suffering is more than I can bear, I take refuge in the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, and I speak to Him with profound silence." 
~St. Faustina

“The cross: it is the cross he must carry for there is nothing more necessary, more useful, more agreeable and more glorious than suffering for Jesus Christ.”  ~St. Louis de Montfort

“Say to him, ‘My God, in Thee are all my hopes; I offer to Thee this affliction and resign myself to Thy will; but do Thou take pity on me—either deliver me out of it, or give me strength to bear it.’  And He will truly keep with you that promise He made in the Gospel to all those who are in trouble, to console and comfort them as often as they have recourse to Him: ‘Come to Me, all you that labor and are burdened, and I will refresh you.’ (Mt 11:28)”  ~St. Alphonsus Liguori

“In this consists all our security and perfection: in suffering with resignation all things that are contrary to our inclinations, as they happen to us day by day, whether they are small or great.  And we must suffer them for those purposes for which the Lord desires that we should endure them: a) to purify ourselves from the sins we have committed; b) to merit eternal life; and c) to please God, which is the chief and most noble and at which we can aim in all our doings.”  ~St. Alphonsus Liguori

“…if we wish our hearts to become inflamed with divine love, we must permit ourselves to be purified by suffering, humbly and resignedly, temptations, trials, persecutions, tribulations.  Oh, being then well cleansed, divine love will possess us.”  ~St. Paul of the Cross

“The more deeply the cross penetrates, the better; the more deprived suffering is of consolation the purer it will be; the more creatures oppose us, the more closely shall we be united to God.”
~St. Paul of the Cross

“Have you ever noticed rocks in the sea, beaten by the tempest?  A furious wave dashes against the rock, another and yet another does likewise, yet the rock is unmoved.  But look at it after the storm has subsided, and you will see that the flood has but served to wash and purify it of the defilement it had contracted during the calm.  Hereafter I wish you to be as a rock.  A wave dashes against you?  Silence!  It assails you ten, a hundred, a thousand times?  Silence!  Say, at most, in the midst of the storm, ‘My Father, my Father, I am all Thine!  O dear, O sweet will of God, I adore Thee!’”  ~St. Paul of the Cross

“I must die to myself continually and accept trials without complaining. I work, I suffer and I love with no other witness than his heart. Anyone who is not prepared to suffer all for the Beloved and to do his will in all things is not worthy of the sweet name of Friend, for here below, Love without suffering does not exist.”  ~St. Bernadette Soubirous

“I shall spend every moment loving. One who loves does not notice her trials; or perhaps more accurately, she is able to love them.”  ~St. Bernadette Soubirous

"I understood that to become a saint one had to suffer much, seek out always the most perfect thing to do, and forget self. I understood, too, that there are many degrees of perfection and each soul was free to respond to the advances of the Our Lord, to do little or much for Him, in a word, to choose among the sacrifices He was asking. Then, as in the days of my childhood, I cried out: 'My God, I choose all!' I do not want to be a saint by halves, I'm not afraid to suffer for You, I fear only one thing: to keep my own will; so take it, for I choose all that You will!"  ~St. Therese of Lisieux

“As iron is fashioned by fire and on the anvil, so in the fire of suffering and under the weight of trials, our souls receive that form which our Lord desires them to have.”  ~St. Madeline Sophie Barat

“If God causes you to suffer much, it is a sign that He has great designs for you, and that He certainly intends to make you a saint.”  ~St. Ignatius Loyola

“We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials.”  ~St. Teresa of Avila

“The remedy is to look at Christ, if when faced with suffering, you at some time feel that your soul is wavering. The scene of Calvary proclaims to everyone that afflictions have to be sanctified, that we are to live united to the cross.  If we bear our difficulties as Christians, they are turned into reparation and atonement. They give us a share in Jesus’ destiny and in his life.”  ~St. Josemaria Escriva

“Accept whatever He gives—and give whatever He takes with a big smile.”  ~Bl. Mother Teresa

“Like all gifts, it depends on how we receive it. And that is why we need a pure heart to see the hand of God, to feel the hand of God, to recognize the gift of God in our suffering. He allows us to share in his suffering and to make up for the sins of the world.”  ~Bl. Mother Teresa

“The important thing is not to waste suffering.  Join it to the suffering of Christ; offer it up with His suffering.  Don't waste suffering.”  ~Bl. Mother Teresa

"Never let anything so fill with you pain or sorrow, so as to make you forget the joy of Christ risen."
~Bl. Mother Teresa

That last one so beautifully captures what I’ve been thinking about the past few days.  With AF due during the Triduum, I’ve been reflecting on how that will affect me during both Good Friday and the Easter Vigil.  (I’m still hoping for a miracle, of course.)  It’s easier to relate more deeply to the passion and death of Christ while I’m in the midst of great personal suffering, but I’ve been wondering (or worried?) how much I’ll be able to share in the joy of Christ’s resurrection with such sorrow on my heart.  I don’t want IF to distract me, but I can’t necessarily just shut off that emotional part of my brain and completely replace it with the joy of Easter.  I am hoping for a middle ground between the two extremes…

And while on the subject of suffering, here is a music video of a rapping Catholic priest.  Who doesn’t love a rapping priest?  I don’t usually listen to rap, but this song is great.  :)

*Note:  I found most of these quotes from internet searches.