Goodbye PMS, hello desperation

I didn’t have PMS this cycle!!  Praise God!!  DH thinks I’m a completely different person.  The naltrexone (32 mg/day) not only got rid of the ugly mood symptoms I used to have consistently post-peak (irritability, anger, depression, etc.) but it actually made my mood better than a normal non-PMS day.  It’s like a weight has been lifted, and I feel free to be happy.  I think I’m actually happier and more perky than usual.  This is the part that DH is still getting used to.  (He tends to be on the serious side.)  :) 

At least with PMS he knew exactly what to expect.  I would feel my mood turn sour and tell him I’m PMSing.  He would leave me alone.  Sometimes giving me extra compliments or hugs helped defuse my short fuse but often it was best if we just sat in different rooms.  (Sounds not so healthy for marriage, I know.)  But DH reassured me every month that he was not taking it personally, and he knew that he didn’t do anything wrong.  We learned very quickly that nothing important could be discussed on my PMS days, especially anything where we might disagree.  I was not capable of much rational thought those days; I was pretty much pure (negative) emotion.  But this cycle that was totally gone.  This is seriously amazing.

DH says this isn’t real; this is just polkadot on drugs.  Hahahahahaha  

It has me wondering though:  Is this my true normal (healthy) state that naltrexone has restored?   Were my endorphins so deficient before which caused the PMS and now they are back to normal levels?

It took me a while to get up to the 32 mg dose.  PPVI had me start at 4 mg/day, and every 10 days the dose doubled.  After I survived 10 days of 32 mg/day (divided up into four doses throughout the day), I could start taking the whole dose at night.  The final dose will now be 50 mg at night.

Since I “graduated” from 32 mg (compounded) to 50 mg, I can now get the prescription filled at a local, non-compounding pharmacy.  Apparently 50 mg is a typical dose for someone being treated for alcohol or opioid addictions, which is why normal pharmacies carry it.  (Did you know that’s what the rest of the world uses it for outside of NaPro?  I had to convince my doctor during my health scare in October that I did not have an addiction to drugs… haha)  The nurse from PPVI said I can either take 50 mg or 25 mg (by cutting the pill in half).  Since my mood has been too so good, I think I’ll try taking 25 mg daily to see if that’s enough to keep PMS at bay.  I don’t mind being extra smiley all the time, but DH is a little weary of it, so maybe 25 mg will be the perfect dose.

Months ago I had called around town to find a pharmacy that carries lactose-free naltrexone.  I found one pharmacy that had it.  When I called them on Friday afternoon to see if my new prescription was ready, they said they didn’t have any in stock and couldn’t order it until Monday.  Boo.  I'm not sure why they couldn't tell me that in one of the previous three times I called them last week...  :P

Unfortunately I ran out of naltrexone, and it was two days before my cycle ended…  Very poor timing.  I don’t know if it was naltrexone withdrawal or just normal plummeting hormone levels that come with a new cycle, but I cried uncontrollably on and off all day for two days—on both the day before CD1 and CD1.  It hasn’t been that bad in a long time.  When DH tried to comfort me, my tears soaked his shirt so much he had to change it.  :(  I knew CD1 was coming the day before it happened because my temperature dropped, so that was part of the reason for tears.  (I still have to monitor my temperature occasionally while on T3, and I know when my temperature drops, AF will arrive 24 hours later.  Long ago before I met DH I charted sympto-thermal for my own knowledge.)  I hope I’m more stable this cycle...

Because of the arrival of AF, Mass for Gaudete Sunday wasn’t the joyful occasion it’s supposed to be.  Do you know how many times words like “brokenhearted” or “sorrow(ful)” were mentioned during Mass?  At least six times at our parish.  I know because I cried after hearing each one because it reminded me of our IF.  With all the exhortations to rejoice, I tried but I told God I could not.  Instead I told Him this cross is crushing me.  Prayer Buddy, I offered it all up for you.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry in admitting this.  DH and I went out Sunday afternoon to finish Christmas shopping.  I saw a woman holding a baby.  I had the urge to take the baby.  Bad, polkadot.  Bad idea.  I know I’m not the first IF girl with this thought.  Maybe the second, but definitely not the first!  It kind of shocked me to have that thought.  It happened again while we were out.  Twice in one day.  Yikes.  I promise I will never take anyone’s baby, but wow, did I feel desperate! 

I’m kind of feeling like Rachel in the Old Testament when she says, “Give me children or I shall die!”  (Genesis 30:1)   I understand the desperation.  I hate feeling this desperate, but it is what it is right now.

*sigh*  

God, will you send us a baby soon?  Please?  Thanks in advance.  :)