A letter to my uterus

It's a sad state of things when you feel inspired to address one of your organs, as if it would change anything.  Perhaps this is just one of the more strange effects of IF.

Dear uterus,

Your most recent behavior has me rather concerned.  Yes, I understand you have been through a lot with the septum removal.  And I know that balloon which kept you stretched out for four days afterward wasn't pleasant either.  (But it was for your own good—adhesions are the last thing either you or I want.)  On top of that, you were bombarded with high levels of estrogen for three weeks followed by a week and a half of progesterone.  It's enough to make anyone crazy, I know.  Really, I know.

However, all I needed you to do was cooperate like a good little end organ.  In response to the estrogen, you were supposed to produce a nice, thick endometrial lining and then wait for further instruction.  I will concede that you partially obeyed in the growth respect; this last week has made that rather obvious.  But you just couldn't wait until the end of the estrogen prescription—you decided to ramp up the bleeding so it mimicked a period.  Funny, it was right at the time my normal period would have come.  Was that your way of rebelling?  Trying to prove you can dominate over the artificial estrogen?  Was it revenge for how you were treated during and after surgery?

Then when I started progesterone, it appeared you were willing to cooperate after all—the bleeding stopped for a few days.  Perhaps you were temporarily forced into submission.  At that point I was ready to forgive you for jumping the gun during the estrogen treatment.  But that short reprieve from bleeding was just a teaser, right?  You still had to prove you were in charge.  Instead of waiting until AFTER the tenth day of progesterone to start the withdrawal bleed like the doctor said, you decided to start after just the sixth day.  Of course that coincided with date night when I was wearing my favorite skirt—the white one.  You are lucky—very lucky—that I am always prepared with supplies.  (Your behavior during my teenage years has made me forever paranoid.)  I naively assumed that it would be just a little spotting.  But, no, by the next day it was equivalent to period-type flow.  So was the next day.  And the two days after that.  I have to ask:  what is going on?  Why have you chosen to ignore the progesterone?  Did you get sick of being told what to do and decided you had enough?  Must I remind you that you are not the brain, and you don't get to call the shots?

This is really making me question your capabilities.  If I can't trust you to respond appropriately to simple hormone treatments, how can I trust you with bigger, more important functions?  It's time to shape up and take your job seriously.  (Please.)

Sincerely,
polkadot

New TTC timeline

I had my post-op appointment with Dr. C last week.  He went over the pathology report from surgery and told me that he had found stage II endometriosis.  Now I'm totally endo free.  :)

I learned that I misunderstood one of the discharge instructions...  When Dr. C went to look at my incisions, he was surprised to see all three of them covered with gauze and clear tape—just like he had left them on the day of surgery.  He asked if I had recovered them since then.  Umm, no...the nurse told us (so I thought) that I was not to touch the bandages; they would fall off over time.  I wasn't in any rush to see my new scars, so I obeyed.  Apparently, I was supposed to take the bandages off the day after surgery.  Oops.  Dr. C laughed a little and then proceeded to peel off the tape.  Ouch.  It would have been better if I had done that at home...  Everything is healing nicely though.  Instead of a visible scar for the middle incision, I pretty much have a new belly button.  It's sort of funny looking, in my opinion, because I was used to my old one, but I guess it will have to do.  ;)

Now I am to expect a withdrawal bleed (quasi period) after finishing the Provera.  I think my body started the withdrawal bleed early, but that's another story.  After my first normal cycle, which is projected to end about a month after the withdrawal bleed, we can TTC again.  That is assuming, of course, that my body goes back to normal cycles right away.  If we're not pregnant after six cycles, we'll recheck my hormone levels and go from there.  Sounds like a plan.  I like to have a plan.

I asked Dr. C if we could check my vitamin D and thyroid levels while we're waiting.  I've never had my vitamin D checked, and it's been over three years since my last thyroid level.  He agreed, but he wants it to be done when I'm back to normal cycles.  Fair enough.  I had been curious about my vitamin D since hearing a presentation on it at the FertilityCare conference last summer and figured now was as a good a time as any to have it checked.  :)  I've seen several articles that say most of the population is deficient, so we'll see how bad my level is.  I just might have to prescribe myself some time in the sun!

Unplanned Lenten sacrifice

Happy Lent!  The last few years I have really looked forward to the beginning of Lent.  I need the discipline.  I need to sacrifice.  I need to become less attached to material things.  This year is no different.  My Lenten resolutions are definitely challenging me so far, but I'm hopeful for the spiritual growth that might result.  :)  DH and I are sharing one (prayer-related) resolution, so it's nice to be able to do it together as a couple.

As for my post-surgery recovery, I think I finally stopped bleeding.  (I'm sure you all wanted to know that.)  ;)  It's been three weeks of mostly light with the occasional moderate day.  One of the nurses said some women bleed for four weeks after surgery, so I guess this is in the normal range.  I think starting Provera on Sunday may have something to do with it.  Starting the Provera means I'm done with the Premarin.  Hooray!!  DH and I were counting down the days until I finished that prescription.  The effects it had on my mood were not pretty.  I think in my last post I said it made me "slightly more irritable."  That was putting it mildly.  Things definitely got worse after that.  It was like I was looking in on myself, seeing rather intense negative emotions but feeling powerless to make them go away.  The smallest things would make me fuming mad.  I was aware that I was being completely irrational but couldn't do anything about it.  I'm sure the insomnia I had didn't help matters either.  Hopefully that is all behind me!  I do look forward to being done with these medications, but I suppose an infertile girl is never too far from more medications...  ;)

By the time I'm finished with the Provera, it will be four weeks since my surgery.  I had wondered back before surgery how long the doctor would want us to wait before TTC again.  I had hoped maybe it would be as soon as the Provera was done.  We weren't told on the day of surgery what our TTC timeline would be, but the discharge instructions did include this: no intercourse for six weeks.  That was a surprise.  It makes sense that my uterus needs to heal for a while after the "remodeling" (as I call it) that was done, but I wasn't expecting six weeks.  It's doesn't completely coincide with Lent, but the length of time is the same...would you call it fasting even if the doctor is making us do it?  ;)  In reality, I don't think it will be as hard as it sounds.  I suppose it's easy for me to say that now, right?  Only 2.5 weeks to go!  ;)

On the mend

Recovery from my surgery has been going well.  The incisions ache off and on, but it's pretty minor.  I can bend over (creatively) and pick something up from the floor.  I can get in and out of the car nearly pain-free.  Sneezing and coughing scare me (because they make me feel like my incisions are going to burst open), so I try to avoid those if possible.  ;)  After a doctor-ordered week in the passenger seat, it's nice to be able to drive again.  I still cringe a little driving over bumps in the road.  Maybe it's just that the seat belt is positioned right over my incisions...  I have a newfound love for recently paved roads.  :)

Somehow I managed by myself to take out the stent (balloon) that was keeping my uterus open (without passing out!).  It turned out to be no larger than a half-dollar in its deflated state.  Of course my uterus protested quite a bit at having to shrink back to its usual size requiring me to take both pain medications again.  It was very similar to what I felt after the endometrial biopsy, but it lasted a lot longer.  I should have known and premedicated!  Oh well.  Instead of going to a church-sponsored social event that night, we stayed in a watched a movie.  I love staying in—don't get me wrong—but I was a bit bummed to miss the event.  On the bright side, I woke up the next morning feeling FABULOUS.  Seriously, fabulous.

My ability to walk normally is improving.  We stopped at the grocery store after Mass on Sunday, and DH grabbed a shopping cart in the parking lot.  He said I could use it as a walker.  hahaha  I had been joking a few days prior that I needed a cane the way I was hobbling everywhere.

I am down to taking just one medication—Premarin (estrogen).  It seems to be making me slightly more irritable that usual, so I'm glad I only have a week and half left of it.  I also seem to be more aware of how DH smells, which is an odd observation, I know.  More precisely, I have been more repulsed than normal by how he smells when he comes home from work.  His workplace has an odd smell, so his clothes absorb whatever that smell is, and it's not so pleasant.  Yesterday when DH came home I couldn't stand to be near him as he greeted me because of his smell.  I immediately sent him away so he could change his clothes, which in retrospect is not the nicest thing a wife can do when her husband comes home after a long day.  Maybe it's similar to the phenomenon that when you take the bi.rth cont.rol pill, it changes the pheromones you're attracted to in a man—so much so that you become attracted to the opposite pheromones than you would have been when you are not on the pill.  It's fascinating stuff.  See this article for more info.  Is the estrogen changing my pheromone preferences??  I am trying to be extra affectionate with DH in an attempt to counteract this whole smell issue.  I've also been telling him that I love him, but not his pheromones.  ;)