Prayer buddy reveal

It was my great privilege to pray for Sew during Advent prayer buddies.  I know my prayers for her were accompanied by many, many others as she went into early labor.  I am so thankful baby Hannah arrived healthy and didn't have to spend extra time in the hospital. This was my first time doing prayer buddies, so I felt rather humbled to be praying for Sew, as hers was one of the first infertile blogs I found.  Without knowing it, she introduced me to this wonderful community of Catholic women carrying the cross of IF, and I am forever grateful.  :)

Merry Christmas to all of you!!

Hematologist is history

Hooray!  :)  The hematologist Dr. D called me this week and said my repeat heme labs were normal!  He attributes the previous abnormal values to the uterine strep infection that I had at the time my blood was drawn.  That infection is gone now according to these new labs.  He said there is no reason for me to follow up with him anymore.  I don't have a clotting disorder!  Praise the Lord!

So do you know what this means?  (Besides me not having a chronic illness or extra risk for any future surgery...both of which are a relief to me...)

We are back to TTC!!

Now wait just a second.  Before you get too excited, let me remind you...I mean, me (I need this reminder more than you)...that not much has changed since the last time we were TTC, except the elimination of a pesky strep infection in my uterus.  Whether that infection was the only remaining impediment to conception remains to be seen.  Realistically I don't know if that will make the difference for me.  Can you see how I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high?  hahaha  I know infection can definitely be a factor, but is it the factor for me?  If you had to measure it—and I do like numbers—my hope just might be a few percentage points higher than it was the last time we were TTC.  :) 

I want to believe it's possible to conceive now, but it seems like taking an antibiotic to "cure" my infertility is taking the easy way out.  In my head, I think I won't have "earned my stripes" as an IFer unless I have surgery.  Is that a silly thought?  Yes, of course.  It's not a competition who can endure the hardest treatment.  Do I want to have surgery?  Nooooooo.  Is surgery the next step?  Probably.  Or at least that's what Dr. C said the last time I saw him.  When I e-mailed him about these latest heme results, he seemed to have forgotten the plan he told me in September.  (DH said to go easy on him because he probably has tons of patients and didn't remember my case specifically.)  I will be sure to remind him in January when I see him next...  ;)

Since we're back to TTC, this also means resuming HCG!  While I'm not so fond of the injection part, I CANNOT wait to have relief from PMS again.  Seriously, HCG is like liquid gold to me.  This past cycle I wasn't on anything post-peak (not even oral progesterone which I've been taking for years), and I was pretty much a monster.  hahaha  (It's only funny after the fact, of course.)  Poor DH.

So back to the topic of TTC...

These last four cycles where we've been taking a doctor-requested break from TTC have been interesting.  At first it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of the arrival of CD1.  CD1 came, and I didn't bat an eye or shed a tear.  It was nice.  Really nice.  No huge emotional crash with the start of a new cycle.  It was almost like living back in the pre-IF days.  (ahhh, ignorant bliss)  ;)  That lasted maybe the first cycle or two.  Then every once in while (usually at Mass) I would spontaneously think of something IF-related and then...cue the uncontrollable tears.  It was totally unpredictable.  It was also confusing because I reasoned that there was no possible way to be pregnant at that time, so I shouldn't be so emotional.  However, my heart didn't "forget" that we were still IF, even though we stopped TTC for a few cycles.  By the third break cycle, I was getting antsy.  I'd had enough of this "avoiding" pregnancy...we couldn't conceive using the fertile days before...why should it be any different now?  With all the waiting it seemed like we were wasting time and weren't making any progress.  (Granted it's hard to make progress between doctor appointments...)  ;)  I am learning patience...slowly.  hahaha

Now that we're back to TTC I don't know where my emotions are headed...back on the roller coaster, I suppose.  I feel like these past few cycles have been a way to emotionally take a deep breath and relax a bit...kind of like getting rejuvenated for the next stretch.  Now I'm ready to go again!  I don't know if we'll get pregnant anytime soon, but I am excited to at least try.  :)  This cycle will be a challenge since the entire fertile time will occur while traveling...and the bedroom we're staying in has a squeaky mattress and a door that doesn't close completely.  This bedroom is also sandwiched between two other bedrooms whose doors will not be closed as the occupants sleep.  Hmmm...I'm not sure how we're going to pull this off.  I guess there's always next cycle...  ;)

In addition to our TTC break, I think Advent has been really helpful for restoring some emotional sanity.  Praying for my first-ever prayer buddy has been a wonderful experience...it definitely moved the focus off of me and my desires.

I need to say though that whoever is praying for me must have some powerful prayers.  Let me tell you what happened a few days ago.  I had a breakthrough of sorts.  I was reflecting on what lessons infertility has taught me, and I could not fathom how else I would have learned them.  And I was filled with a deep sense of gratitude at having my eyes opened to those lessons...how privileged I was to learn them...how lots of other people don't have this opportunity...so I prayed:  "Thank you, God, for my infertility.  Thank you so much."  And I meant it.  Am I crazy?  (Wait, don't answer that.)  In a brief moment, I felt "free" of my infertility—like it didn't matter at all if God chose to take it away or let me keep it.  Total peace.  For a second...maybe two.  :)  That is not to say I still don't desire to have children with my whole heart—I definitely do.  But I got a tiny glimpse of peace...now how do I make that come back?  :)  So, thank you in advance, dear prayer buddy, for all your prayers this Advent.  And thank you to all of you who have also have prayed for me.  Please know I am praying for you, too.  :)

"When are you going to have kids?" (your advice, please)

All right, ladies. I need some advice. With Christmas and New Year’s Eve fast approaching, we have several family & friend gatherings on the calendar. I know the dreaded question is coming....

So...when are you going to have kids?

Here's where you ladies come in...how do you answer that question? I want a list of options. Give me anything you can think of or anything you've said or anything you've heard someone else say. I need to feel prepared (if that is possible). hahaha

Here's where I'm at: We’ve been TTC for a year and a half. No one in my family knows that, not even my parents. I had this crazy dream of surprising them with news of a pregnancy out of the blue but obviously that hasn't happened so months and months have passed but I still want to surprise them with good news not bad news. (“Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad, we're infertile. Let me tell you the tests we’ve had done and the treatments we’ve tried…" Not a fun conversation.) Maybe I'll consider having that conversation if/when I have surgery, but not today. Thankfully my parents are not the type to ask about us having kids...

A few of my friends know we've been "having trouble" but all the friends we will see in the next few weeks (except maybe one) don't have a clue, like all my relatives. What the world (i.e. people who know me IRL) sees is this: We have been married for a few years but we have had some major "crosses" during our marriage and sometimes more than one at a time. I won't give specifics but it's the kind of stuff that makes people stop and say, "Wow. I'm sorry!" while secretly thinking, “Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that.” This summer was the first time all of those major crosses were gone. And everyone knows it. So now here we are, several months after the last big cross is lifted... If you had a friend/relative who was a faithful Catholic and NFP teacher, wouldn't you start to think, “Hmmm. I wonder when the babies will start to arrive…” Fair enough assumption. :) But I’m not sure everyone will be keeping that happy little thought where it belongs—in their heads. :) I bet the temptation to say it must be enormous but is it really asking too much to resist? It does seem like an innocent little question and obviously if someone suspected difficulty in achieving or sustaining a pregnancy they would never dream of asking a potentially hurtful question like that. But who really considers IF (or miscarriage for that matter) as a possibility for someone you know? I know it's not my default assumption...well it wasn't until we couldn't conceive...now it is definitely on my radar. Even while working with couples struggling to have a child, I still assumed normal fertility for anyone I knew...maybe I was just hoping that they wouldn't have to deal with the hardships of IF or miscarriage. Anyway, my point is: Who has IF in the back of her mind when thinking about another couple’s fertility? Probably not many people.

Case in point: A friend I last saw in the summer patted my tummy and said, “The next time I see you, there better be a baby in there.” She is the sweetest girl, and if she had any idea of our experience, she would never have said that. But she is super fertile (and is surrounded by others who haven't had trouble conceiving) so I'm guessing she just assumed we wouldn't have any trouble TTC either.

I guess the reason I'm asking for advice on what to say is that I am pretty sensitive. I have heard the stories of what other IF ladies have had to listen to (unsolicited advice on how to have a baby, insensitive remarks, etc.), and I'm not sure I can handle that emotionally...which is why only a few super trustworthy friends IRL know. This doesn't apply to my immediate family...I really just want to surprise them, and it’s not so much of a surprise if they know you're TTC. (So if I haven’t told my family, it must mean I still have hope…right? Right!) ;) There has been plenty of grief and tears with IF already...I'm just trying to protect my heart from some more (avoidable?) pain.

So any responses you can share to the question above would be most appreciated. :) Especially kind-sounding, please-don’t-ever-bring-up-the-topic-with-me-again responses would be great. You ladies are the best. Thanks in advance. :)

DH, Jane Austen, and antibiotics

One of the consolations I have appreciated with IF is the fact that I'm not going through it alone—it affects us a couple not just me as an individual.  Granted I am taking it a lot harder than DH, he is hurting too, even though he is reluctant to show it most of the time or doesn't know how to express it.  I've heard the saying that with IF, the woman grieves, and the man watches her grieve (or he grieves because she is grieving).  This is definitely true for us to an extent.  Even though he doesn't show his sadness or disappointment often, he has been trying to support me in any way he can.  DH has been incredibly sweet recently.  He sees that I have been having a hard time as of late (e.g. crying more), which is kind of hard to miss.  ;)  So yesterday when we had planned to watch a nice Christmas-related movie, he surprised me by putting "Pride and Prejudice" (the six-hour BBC version!!) in the DVD player.  Let's be honest.  This movie is not his cup of tea.  ;)  He has watched it with me twice (not in one sitting, of course) in the past.  I assumed that whenever I would watch from then on would be by myself or with my girlfriends...and he knew I was fine with that.  So for him to choose it without me asking for it and volunteer to watch it with me meant he only did it to comfort me and make me happy.  He is such a sweetheart.  (He has also been known to tell the husbands of my Jane Austen-movie-loving friends that it's their "duty" to watch the entire thing once with their wife...he takes the whole "laying down your life" or sacrificing for your wife seriously...)  I'm not going to complain if that's how he interprets Ephesians 5. hahaha  ;)

On a totally unrelated note...

I finished the second antibiotic (cephalexin) this cycle.  I started it on CD1, and it didn't clear up any TEBB; on the contrary, I had TEBB to CD12.  However, I wonder if its effects on TEBB would only be seen in subsequent cycles and not this one because whatever "remnants" of the uterine infection can't just disappear instantaneously upon starting an antibiotic...right?  The remnants would have to be expelled with my period this cycle in the hopes that they are gone in the next cycle or two.  That is complete speculation on my part but it makes sense to me, so I wasn't expecting TEBB to disappear already this cycle.  Feel free to correct me...  Of course, this is all assuming that the infection is the cause of the TEBB...

I had zero adverse effects with the cephalexin, which is fabulous.  I did take a probiotic and will continue until the bottle is gone, so that may have helped.  I need all the good bacteria I can get to replenish the ones killed by the antibiotic.  :)  One thing I am SUPER excited about is a positive side effect of the drug—my face and back have never looked better!!!!  I totally did not know that cephalexin is also used to treat acne!!  Woohoo!!  I hope this lasts.  I love clear skin!!  (I have battled acne since high school, and it's been worse in my 20s than it was in my teens...)

Since the antibiotic was supposed to clear up the Group B strep, I will be having my second round of hematology labs this Friday.  I don't know what labs Dr. D ordered, but he said I have to be (mostly) fasting when my blood is drawn—only juice, toast, and jelly are acceptable that morning.  Since I'm intolerant to gluten, there will be no toast...  (I'm not a huge fan of the gluten-free varieties.)  And he said "no relations" the night before.  That was his phrase, not mine.  "Relations" seems a little old fashioned to me, but I thought it was a cute way to say it and very respectful.  :)  (Dr. D appears to be close to retirement, so maybe it's a generational thing...?)   I guess I'm just used to more straightforward terms.  I use "intercourse" when talking with CrMS clients.  To each his own, I suppose.

Homily insights and hope

A couple lines from recent homilies have given me a lot to think about, so I thought I'd share them here.

1.  Thanksgiving Day:  "If you're constantly thinking about what you don't have, you'll end up in misery."

The priest spoke about gratitude and focusing on the blessings you have in your life before he said this line I quoted.  When I first heard it, I was tempted to think it doesn't apply to me.  After all, it's natural and good to desire children, so when you're infertile, it makes sense that you would be thinking a lot about what you don't have (i.e. a child)...especially with the constant focus on diagnosis, treatment, timing of the cycle, etc.  Oh, how quickly I forget that this can be an all-consuming endeavor...which can lead to misery.  So the priest was right, and infertility is a prime example of his point.  I don't want to be miserable, but it's so hard not to think about my infertility when everywhere I look is another easily-achieved pregnancy or another baby.  As attractive as avoidance seems some days, I don't think it would be so practical to only associate with non-married people or those beyond their child-bearing years...as much as I want to right now.  Perhaps some convent or monastery would let us move in there?  ;)  Obviously I have to learn how to cope somehow without being completely consumed by the thought that we don't have children...  If only I could limit my infertility thoughts to x minutes per day.  Once I reach x minutes, then I wouldn't be allowed to think about it any more that day.  HA.  Imagine that.  What probably needs to change is how I think about infertility, which leads me to the next quote...

2.  First Sunday of Advent: "Advent is a season of hope.  How are you growing in the virtue of hope?"

Hearing that was a wake up call.  Or more a like a kick in the pants to get moving.  I had realized a while ago I was really struggling (failing) to have hope, but I haven't done anything about it.  Specifically I mean hope related to infertility.  It feels so vulnerable to put my desire for children before God and ask, "Please, God?"  On my braver days, thoughts may cross my mind like, "I know God will give us children one day," accompanied by an optimistic type of confidence.  But the reality is that He may say no...and that thought tends to stifle any optimism I had.  The thought of a future without children is not something I like contemplating.  I admit I don't dwell on it deeply—just enough to say to God, "Fine!  That's how you want my life (with this pain of infertility)?"  :<  [that's supposed to be an angry pout, complete with arms crossed]  I swear sometimes I have the spiritual maturity of a three year old.  hahaha ;)  When I think about it more, it leads to despair, the opposite of hope, and a constant fixation on the fact that I'm not getting what I think will make me happy.  Me. Me. Me.  This sounds like a recipe for misery (see quote #1).

So how do you cultivate hope, especially in the present circumstance of infertility?  (If anyone has ideas, please share them.)  My first thought is to try to focus less on the end result (baby vs. no baby) and more on what God is asking of me right now with this cross.  That's definitely easier said than done.  Have I mentioned that it doesn't take much to turn me into a crying mess this days?  I realize I have redefined hope to mean the end of my infertility.  How narrow is that??  But I suppose it's not surprising.  It's so easy to become self-absorbed with the situation in front of me which allows me to ignore the bigger picture.  Jesus didn't come into the world so I could be cured of my infertility...He came so we could spend forever with Him.  Okay, so I need to broaden my definition of hope.  That would be a good start.  Here are some excerpts from the Catechism:

"Hope is the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ's promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit." (1817)

"The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man; it takes up the hopes that inspire men's activities and purifies them so as to order them to the Kingdom of heaven; it keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment; it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude. Buoyed up by hope, he is preserved from selfishness and led to the happiness that flows from charity." (1818)

Don't you just love the Catechism?  :)

In a little prayer book I have, I found an examination of conscience on hope, which I think was exactly what I needed.  Right before the list of questions, it says, "...in God's providence, He allows us to fail in those areas in which He especially wants us to grow in virtue."  Okay, so it's really time to do something about this.  And what better time to work on hope than Advent.  Here is the examination:

• Do I immediately say a short prayer when I find myself getting discouraged?
• Do I daily say a short act of hope?
• Do I dwell on my worries instead of dismissing them from my mind?
• Do I fail in the virtue of hope by my attachment to the things of this world?
• Do I try to see God's providence in everything that "happens" in my life?
• Do I try to see everything from the viewpoint of eternity?
• Am I confident that, with God's grace, I will be saved?
• Do I allow myself to worry about my past life, and thus weaken my hope in God's mercy?
• Do I try to combine every fully deliberate action with at least a momentary prayer for divine help?
• How often today have I complained, even internally?

From Father Hardon's Catholic Prayer Book by Fr. John A. Hardon, S.J.>

shift my perspective, but I think it's going to take a lot of tiny, tiny steps.  When the waves of grief hit, they hit hard, and it's so difficult to look past the pain.  But I'm going to try.  :)  I have a feeling I will be referring back to this list of questions often...