Ask the IFers

I mentioned in a previous post that I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to take advantage of the mucus-enhancing effects of the antibiotic ampicillin because I started taking it on peak day last cycle.  Well, it turns out that I didn't miss out on the mucus-enhancing effects.  I started having what looked like fertile mucus on CD6 this cycle, right when I was finishing up the ampicillin.  At first I thought, "Oh, maybe I'm ovulating early."  The good mucus continued almost every day until my peak day, which was CD17.  That's a long mucus cycle...too long actually.  (I already have pre-peak yellow stamps; this was just way out of the ordinary.)  So I'm hoping that all that extra good-looking mucus was the residual effects of the ampicillin and it doesn't mean I've developed a new problem with ovulation...

Anyway, having twelve days of good mucus is a lot when you're TTC.  It's easy to get burned out even with a regular length mucus cycle when you're trying to maximize your chances of pregnancy.  Now that everything is treated medically (and the fact that I'm on Clomid) it really would be best if we tried pretty hard to use the best mucus days.  But nothing says romantic more than, "Hey honey, I had 10KL today.  We should use today."  (Can you hear my sarcasm?  I promise you it's dripping.)  The last thing I want to do is use DH for his sperm.  (I have asked him multiple times over the past few years if he feels used, and good discussion followed.  Thankfully he's never felt used, but I do worry sometimes.)  I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

So I had a thought.  I wanted to share some strategies I've learned for how to get those i's* on the chart, and I wanted to ask for your suggestions and tips on the topic as well.

Then I had another thought...this would make a good series of posts.  Each post would be a different topic where we (me in the post and you in the comments) share our collective wisdom.  Okay, maybe this is already what happens with some blog posts, but now I'm going to group them together under a common heading.  :)  It might be a good reference to go back to later.  If you have ideas for topics, please tell me!  What things have you been dying to ask a group of IFers?  (anonymously, even)
 
And because a series needs a fun image...

The question of the day:  How do you manage to get an adequate frequency of acts of intercourse during the fertile days each cycle?

So here's what I've learned along the way...  I'm trying to keep these points as "generic" as possible because this is a very sensitive and personal issue.

First a note about how I word things.  With Creighton, we talk about choosing days for intercourse or "using" days.  That's what I mean below when I say "use a day."  We also talk about the i's written on the chart (i = intercourse that day).

1. The first piece of advice comes from the back of the Creighton chart:  "Abstain until good mucus is present."  This is especially recommended if there is a low sperm count, but I've found it helpful for any IF couple.  By abstaining for a certain number of days before the good mucus starts (for example, seven days or the entire pre-peak phase starting on CD1), it can build up some anticipation making it easier to use the fertile days (and more of them).  When you're using NFP to avoid a pregnancy, you'll hear about a mini "honeymoon phase" that supposedly happens on peak+4 in each cycle because it's the beginning of the infertile phase of the cycle.  So it's like that but at a different time of the cycle.  Personally, following this instruction has helped us a lot.

2.  Keep your husband updated during the day if you see good mucus.  Let him know as soon as possible after you observe it.  That way he has more time to mentally prepare.  If he has a stressful job, long hours, or comes home tired, he might want to know ahead of time (before he gets home from work) that he should save a little energy for later.  And it also means you're not springing, "I had 10KL today," on him when he's going to bed and is completely exhausted.  The plus side of using Creighton is that if an e-mail or text message of "10KL" is accidentally seen by a coworker, they won't have a clue what it means.  Or if you're at work and on the phone with him at lunch and you say, "Hey, it's 10KL today," the person overhearing you doesn't know what you're talking about.  (unless of course you work with other Creighton users...then you obviously need a different code)  :)

3.  Another piece of advice from the back of the Creighton chart:  "Use the days of best quality and quantity [of mucus] and the first two days after."  If you see mucus that fits that description, make an extra effort to use that day.  If you can use more than one day in a row, great.  If not, try to make it a goal to aim for every other day.  That takes the pressure off of both of you to use every good mucus day.  That "break" day in between can be really helpful...knowing that you get the night off, so to speak, ahead of time can relieve some stress that can build up over getting i's on the chart.  If there are cycles where you don't get to every other day, try not to beat yourself up too much.  (I've done that.)  Just try again next time.

A little story...  When I was first learning to be a Creighton practitioner, I had a supervisor review all my client cases.  I had an IF client.  Most cycles there was only one act of intercourse during the fertile time, and it wasn't often on one of the best mucus days.  My supervisor asked me if I had discussed the instruction on the back of the chart (about using the best quality/quantity mucus days) with the client.  I told her I had, but the client gave many excuses why they couldn't manage more than one i per (mucus) cycle.  My supervisor told me to ask the client, "How badly do you want to get pregnant?"  I told her I knew the answer would be, "We want it more than anything!"  The client had cried in front of me during a follow up because she was so frustrated that they weren't pregnant.  My supervisor told me to point out to the client, "Your actions don't match your desire.  If you tell me you really really really want to be pregnant, then your actions had better indicate that.  You need to work harder if you want to reach your goal of pregnancy--meaning you need to plan multiple acts of intercourse during the fertile time.  Waiting until the conditions are perfect and you're both well-rested and in the mood is not good enough.  You can't rely on spontaneity anymore.  You need to put in the effort."

What my supervisor said made sense.  She had many years of experience working with IF couples under her belt, so I knew the advice was trustworthy.  I am also pretty sure she had to personally use her own advice because she faced quite a few years of secondary infertility herself.

4.  Go on a date or do something romantic on the fertile days.  Turn off all the lights and eat dinner by candlelight.  Do something not in your normal routine to create a romantic atmosphere.  Show your husband you love him in his love language.  Ask him to do the same for you.  (Are you familiar with the five love languages?)  If he appreciates acts of service, do a chore for him you know he hates doing.  If he likes gifts, get him something.  If he likes quality time, carve out part of the evening to do something together or just sit on the couch and talk.  Start as early in the day as possible with these gestures if you can. 

If you need more ideas, google "Moxie Wife."  It's a Catholic blog, and she often has ideas to spice up marriage and increase the romance.

5.  Use different times of the day.  Ask your husband what time of day he prefers.  Tell him what you prefer.  Sometimes switching up what time you use (morning vs. afternoon/dinner time vs. bedtime) can help, either because it's different from your usual routine or because it's a more preferred time of day.  I remember one client I had where the wife worked a night shift and the husband worked first shift.  They just couldn't find the time where they were both awake and not exhausted.  I asked the husband if it would be okay if his wife woke him up when she got home (in the middle of the night).  He said he had never thought about it, but was open to the idea.  It ended up working well for them.

6.  Minimize or eliminate obstacles.  What are your "excuses" for not having more i's on the chart?  Identify them and see if you can overcome them.  If it's related to being too busy, can you keep your schedule clear during the fertile time?  If it's related to being too tired, can you try to go to bed earlier?  If there's other stress in your life, figure out how to reduce it or manage it better.

7.  I went back and forth on this one--should I include it or not?  Is it too scandalous?  Tell me if it is and I'll delete it.  I think it's helpful advice though...

For those days you know you really should try to use...

This piece of advice is from a very perceptive friend of mine when she was engaged (and chaste).  We were talking about IF and NaPro.  (She was very familiar with CrMS and NaPro since she charted and had surgery for endo prior to this conversation.)  She paused for a moment and then out of the blue said, "It must be hard sometimes to use the best days, especially if you're being treated with NaPro and you know you really should but you might not be in the mood."  I nodded in agreement.  Unprompted, she continued, "I guess on those days you just have to completely focus on your husband and do everything that pleases him.  Like you have to try to be really unselfish and focus all your attention on him."  I'm pretty sure she had read "Love and Responsibility" by Pope John Paul II before he was pope, so I think that helped her come to that conclusion.  I'm still impressed that she said that.  I think she's absolutely right.

8.  If the stress of TTC is getting to be too much, consider and pray about taking a break for a cycle or more.  When you're taking meds for TTC, especially those to induce ovulation or that are expensive, it's best to discuss this before taking those meds for the cycle.  I take my Clomid on CD3, so if we were going to take a break for a cycle, we would want to decide that before CD3, not on the first good mucus day on CD11.  If you're not on those kinds of meds, then you could make a decision to take a break closer to when the fertile time begins.


Okay, your turn.  What's your best advice?  I'm ready to soak up your wisdom.  :)





*In case the misplacement of apostrophes drives you up the wall too, I learned that it's correct to write the plural of a lowercase letter with an apostrophe, at least according to a certain major manual of style.  When you're trying to write the plural of i you also need the apostrophe to prevent ambiguity..." 'is' on the chart" just doesn't work when I mean more than one i.