Post-surgery outlook

I'm in the middle of my first new cycle since surgery.  I'm kind of glad that we're avoiding this cycle--I'm not sure my body knows what it's doing.  First there was a "peak day" on day 11, which is quite early for me.  The mucus buildup was six days, a normal length, but it wasn't great quality.  So I thought, okay, short cycles happen.  I've never had one, but I suppose there's a first time for everything.  Now I'm a few days past where I normally peak, and I've had three days of spotting.  I'm waiting for either a double peak, which would make this my longest cycle ever, or for my period to come soon, which would make this my shortest cycle ever.  It's all rather bizarre.  On the plus side, I only had four days of TEBB this cycle, so that's a mild improvement from pre-surgery cycles.

Dr. K prescribed Flagyl for DH and me.  We've both taken it before, and it didn't help the TEBB.  I was about to call and ask why we should take it again, but I decided to just take it because it is supposed to be good for treating the bacteria I have (Gram positive rods).  At this point I'm ready to go down the list of reasonable antibiotics that work against Gram positive rods until I'm pregnant or we exhaust the list.  I'm all cleaned out inside (endo, adhesion, and fibroid-wise) so this may be the best chance we've had to conceive, and I want to make the most of this time.  DH still doesn't want to do an IV so that's not on the table at this point.

I'm also trying to eliminate sugar from my diet.  Dr. K had recommended that several months ago, but I dragged my feet starting it because I didn't think I could do it right before Thanksgiving and Christmas.  (I first started eating gluten-free and dairy-free the week before Thanksgiving that year, and it wasn't a very wise decision.)  I really don't eat that much sugar on a regular basis, but the few times I do (my favorite peanut butter, for example) are proving very difficult to give up.  I figure that if I write it here, maybe it'll keep me more accountable or motivate me.  I did manage to wean myself off of sweetened almond milk before Christmas, and now I don't mind the taste of the unsweetened stuff, so that's some progress.  I don't know if I'll be able to survive Easter without anything sweet (besides fruit), but I guess I'll try.  There may be a brief consumption of the two gluten-free/dairy-free dark chocolate candy bars that are in our pantry now, but otherwise I'll try really hard.  :)

I was looking back at the time after my first surgery two years ago, and I realized I wasn't taking very many meds (naltrexone, fish oil, HCG, and B6).  Since then quite a bit has been added (see my right side bar if you're curious).  Obviously the uterine infection still needs to be treated, but I'm hoping the rest of my current meds and supplements are pushing me closer toward a healthy reproductive system that could be able to conceive.

I guess I'm hopeful in the sense that we're doing what we can medically to optimize our chances, and if God wills it, we'll get pregnant.  But if He has some other plan for us, I'm going to trust that it will be for our good.  Do I expect that I'll get pregnant?  Honestly, no.  But thankfully God doesn't need me to expect to get pregnant in order to make it happen.  I will gladly be shocked if it happens.  I'm going to do my best to take this one day or one cycle at time and not try to look too far ahead.  I know our TTC clock is being reset to zero after surgery, and with NaPro they would encourage trying for 12-18 effective cycles.  An effective cycle is a cycle that looks like a normal fertility cycle.  I don't think having TEBB counts as an effective cycle, so we may be at zero for a while until the TEBB and infection are treated.  I'm okay with that.

Maybe because it's been over 3.5 years of TTC, but I'm really not in a rush or anxious to conceive.  Yes, I wish that we had conceived already, but being impatient isn't going to make it happen any faster.  Maybe it's just one of those IF survival skills you learn after you've tried the opposite tactic for so long.  Maybe it's saying to God, "I'm tired and my way of handling things isn't bringing any peace."  Maybe it's acceptance of the cross after carrying it for so long.  Maybe it's giving up the illusion that I have (any) control enough to let God's grace in.  Maybe it's all of the above.