Stations and IF

I wrote reflections on a few of the Stations of the Cross.  The text in italics is from a booklet used at our parish (author unknown).

Station 7:  Jesus falls the second time

Jesus, our brother, you must have been discouraged by your second fall. We too, know discouragement. Our best efforts end in failure. Those we love, do not seem to love us. Regardless of our efforts, life does not bring peace. What shall we do? We will imitate your example and try again, even in the face of futility.

How many times do I fall because of IF?  Doubt, despair, envy, pride...the list goes on.  It's discouraging enough to fall once, but when it happens multiple times, it gets harder to want to get up again.  Every new pregnancy announcement around me is a new chance to stumble.  I should be able to handle each one gracefully by now—I've had plenty of opportunities to practice this—yet still I fall into envy.  But if Jesus can get up again while still under the weight of the Cross, so will I try harder next time.

~*~

Station 8:  Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem

"Weep not for me, but for you and for your children."  ~Luke 23:28

Jesus, our brother, in the midst of your sufferings you had compassion for others and their pain. We are often so self-centered.  We do not see the suffering of others.  We want pity, kindness, and understanding.  We are willing to give so little in return.  Help us forget ourselves.  Awaken us to the pain in the lives of others.

How often with IF do I look inward and only see my own pain?  It's so easy to slip into thinking that my suffering is worse than everyone else's around me; others can't possibly be hurting as much as I am.  The challenge is to acknowledge the pain in someone else and respond in love, even when it's hard, like listening to a friend complain about how little sleep she's getting because she has a newborn.  I thought I was doing well by biting my tongue—I would gladly get no sleep if it meant I had a baby, and I was itching to tell my friend that—but maybe imitating Christ would mean going a step further and showing her some understanding while forgetting my pain for a second.

~*~

Station 13: Jesus is taken down from the cross

Jesus, our brother, you are laid in the arms of your mother. The agony is over. But the resurrection is not yet.  Your Father's plan requires patience. So it is with us. We reach moments when only patience can carry us on. We know that something better will come. But when? Help us share your patience and the patience of your mother.

We know the ending—Jesus triumphs.  But that doesn't mean our life looks like Easter all the time.  Much of IF looks like Good Friday.  We've been TTC for so long.  How many cycles will it take to conceive?  Will we conceive ever?  How long will we have the cross of childlessness?  Will it be life-long?  Patience is so important in learning to accept this cross.  I have to trust God that his plans for me are for my ultimate good, even if it doesn't look like what I had in mind.

Post-surgery outlook

I'm in the middle of my first new cycle since surgery.  I'm kind of glad that we're avoiding this cycle--I'm not sure my body knows what it's doing.  First there was a "peak day" on day 11, which is quite early for me.  The mucus buildup was six days, a normal length, but it wasn't great quality.  So I thought, okay, short cycles happen.  I've never had one, but I suppose there's a first time for everything.  Now I'm a few days past where I normally peak, and I've had three days of spotting.  I'm waiting for either a double peak, which would make this my longest cycle ever, or for my period to come soon, which would make this my shortest cycle ever.  It's all rather bizarre.  On the plus side, I only had four days of TEBB this cycle, so that's a mild improvement from pre-surgery cycles.

Dr. K prescribed Flagyl for DH and me.  We've both taken it before, and it didn't help the TEBB.  I was about to call and ask why we should take it again, but I decided to just take it because it is supposed to be good for treating the bacteria I have (Gram positive rods).  At this point I'm ready to go down the list of reasonable antibiotics that work against Gram positive rods until I'm pregnant or we exhaust the list.  I'm all cleaned out inside (endo, adhesion, and fibroid-wise) so this may be the best chance we've had to conceive, and I want to make the most of this time.  DH still doesn't want to do an IV so that's not on the table at this point.

I'm also trying to eliminate sugar from my diet.  Dr. K had recommended that several months ago, but I dragged my feet starting it because I didn't think I could do it right before Thanksgiving and Christmas.  (I first started eating gluten-free and dairy-free the week before Thanksgiving that year, and it wasn't a very wise decision.)  I really don't eat that much sugar on a regular basis, but the few times I do (my favorite peanut butter, for example) are proving very difficult to give up.  I figure that if I write it here, maybe it'll keep me more accountable or motivate me.  I did manage to wean myself off of sweetened almond milk before Christmas, and now I don't mind the taste of the unsweetened stuff, so that's some progress.  I don't know if I'll be able to survive Easter without anything sweet (besides fruit), but I guess I'll try.  There may be a brief consumption of the two gluten-free/dairy-free dark chocolate candy bars that are in our pantry now, but otherwise I'll try really hard.  :)

I was looking back at the time after my first surgery two years ago, and I realized I wasn't taking very many meds (naltrexone, fish oil, HCG, and B6).  Since then quite a bit has been added (see my right side bar if you're curious).  Obviously the uterine infection still needs to be treated, but I'm hoping the rest of my current meds and supplements are pushing me closer toward a healthy reproductive system that could be able to conceive.

I guess I'm hopeful in the sense that we're doing what we can medically to optimize our chances, and if God wills it, we'll get pregnant.  But if He has some other plan for us, I'm going to trust that it will be for our good.  Do I expect that I'll get pregnant?  Honestly, no.  But thankfully God doesn't need me to expect to get pregnant in order to make it happen.  I will gladly be shocked if it happens.  I'm going to do my best to take this one day or one cycle at time and not try to look too far ahead.  I know our TTC clock is being reset to zero after surgery, and with NaPro they would encourage trying for 12-18 effective cycles.  An effective cycle is a cycle that looks like a normal fertility cycle.  I don't think having TEBB counts as an effective cycle, so we may be at zero for a while until the TEBB and infection are treated.  I'm okay with that.

Maybe because it's been over 3.5 years of TTC, but I'm really not in a rush or anxious to conceive.  Yes, I wish that we had conceived already, but being impatient isn't going to make it happen any faster.  Maybe it's just one of those IF survival skills you learn after you've tried the opposite tactic for so long.  Maybe it's saying to God, "I'm tired and my way of handling things isn't bringing any peace."  Maybe it's acceptance of the cross after carrying it for so long.  Maybe it's giving up the illusion that I have (any) control enough to let God's grace in.  Maybe it's all of the above.

Nearly normal

It's been four weeks since surgery.  I'm feeling good.  I'd say I'm 95% back to normal.  I can't bend forward all the way to touch my toes but I can pick something up off the ground if I lower myself to a squat first.  It's nice not to have to use my feet to pick up things I drop.  I do recommend practicing that with your feet; it's a good skill to have.  :)  I never realized how often I drop things, especially socks, until it became a challenge to get my hand to the floor.  Cell phones are a bit tricky to pick up with feet, but manageable.  Pill bottles and water bottles are a lost cause.

I haven't taken any pain medicine since last Friday.  Yay!  My "big" scar does still ache on and off, but it's not too bad.  It protests quite a bit when I try to lie flat on my stomach but I can get by without doing that for now and just sleep on my side.

I am happy to report that my toenails are now a lovely shade of bright pink.  I thought that for my surgery two years ago I remember them saying that I couldn't have any nail polish on, so I went into this surgery with naked toenails even though I didn't see that in my instructions.  Painted toenails make me happy even if no one else sees them (and even if I'm wearing socks all day), so mine are pretty much always red or pink.  For the first two and a half weeks after surgery there was no way I could reach my toes, so it's sort of a recovery milestone that I can do that again.  :)

I'm somewhat disappointed that my first period after surgery was almost as painful as it was just before surgery.  It wasn't bad enough to require ibuprofen, but after almost three weeks of prescription-strength ibuprofen I preferred to tough it out rather than subject my stomach to more abuse.  I'm hoping the pain was at least a little related to being post-surgery and that next cycle will be better.